The opening stanza has a breathless quality, like you're speaking quickly, or are a bit flustered. I like that style much more than the style the second stanza is written in.
"Did you carelessly think at all with any hesitation spent? That I'd be left here distracted while off you went?" These lines have a very artificial construction because you wanted them to rhyme. There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself, but it clashes with the preceding, natural-sounding lines.
I don't know why you've separated the last 2 stanzas - i think they belong together.
"Ripe with promise untouched by mortal's care--" Who's the mortal? You? It's ok to be vague, but don't be tooo vague.
You are so right-- I did decide to rhyme those in an afterthought, and it may have only worked as a temporary solution.
The mortal'd be anyone with earthly cares, like, a broken dryer-- assuming, of course, that this dreamy long-haired person could not possibly have to deal with such cares.
I'm soo glad you wrote in-- I've not had close attention like this to my writing in, well, never.
Comments 2
"Did you carelessly think at all with any hesitation spent?
That I'd be left here distracted while off you went?"
These lines have a very artificial construction because you wanted them to rhyme. There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself, but it clashes with the preceding, natural-sounding lines.
I don't know why you've separated the last 2 stanzas - i think they belong together.
"Ripe with promise untouched by mortal's care--"
Who's the mortal? You? It's ok to be vague, but don't be tooo vague.
Reply
The mortal'd be anyone with earthly cares, like, a broken dryer-- assuming, of course, that this dreamy long-haired person could not possibly have to deal with such cares.
I'm soo glad you wrote in-- I've not had close attention like this to my writing in, well, never.
Reply
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