[FIC] talk it out
"So, how's the boyfriend?"
Alex chokes on his coffee, and Elle helps in her usual way, by grinning as he pounds on his chest and finally manages to clear his lungs, coughing the entire way. His voice is slightly hoarse from the ordeal when he manages to respond, staring at her like she's grown two heads. "He's not my boyfriend, Jesus Elle, are you trying to kill me?"
"Oh c'mon, Alex! Don't even try that with me." She reaches over, punches his shoulder lightly, the amusement not leaving her face. "I've known you forever. The way you get when you talk about him? You've got it bad."
He frowns, opens his mouth to voice another denial, pauses when he takes in Elle's expression and crossed arms. Then, with a new note of tired resignation: "... is it really that obvious?"
Elle's answering is a resounding "yes" and Alex groans, rubs his hands down his face, feels a mixture of embarrassment and panic crop up. What if he's noticed is the one at the forefront of his mind, and he tries not to think about it, shove it back, but the more he tries not to think on it the more he does. It's a self-defeating paradox.
"Hey." Elle's voice is soft, her hand softer as she wraps her fingers around one of his wrists loosely, pulls a hand away from his face, leaves him staring out at her through one eye. The grin's gone, replaced by that familiar comforting smile that's been there since his childhood, getting him through all the rough patches like nothing else he'd known. Despite himself, he feels the tension in his shoulders start to ease. "Relax. C'mon, just talk to me." She takes his hand in both of hers, rubs a thumb over his knuckles, and finally he lets his other hand drop to the table. He fidgets, sighs, wraps his fingers around hers. Starts his usual thoughtless rambling that he does when he wants to get something out that won't come out any other way, habit long familiar for both of them. And Elle just listens.
Listens as he explains that he'd realized it a while ago, a sudden thought that had struck him and nearly sent him into a panic attack, and that he'd spent almost fifteen minutes fumbling for an explanation that couldn't hold water when Henry had given him an alarmed look and then another five to reassure the older man that he was fine, really, and thankfully Henry had let it dropped even though Alex was lying through his teeth and was painfully aware that Henry knew it too. (Elle can't help her giggling at that; Alex glowers at her until she stops, but without much bite behind the look at all.) Tells her that it's wholly unfamiliar ground he's treading on - he'd had crushes in his childhood, sure, but this was different, undeniable and completely clear and "to be honest, as stupid as it sounds, it scares the hell out of me."
Elle doesn't talk about Shepherd's Glen, about the environment they grew up in where it was unhappily married men and women everywhere and how nobody had really talked about these kinds of things, but quietly files it away as a possible factor. At least, if she were in Alex's shoes, it would be for her. Instead she just says, "Tell me about it."
"What?"
"What it's like when you're around him."
Alex fidgets again, eyes flickering everywhere. Elle doesn't press him, knows by now that if she tried she'd just run up against a brick wall, because all Shepherd men are like that, just stays quiet and waits. Finally he lets out a breath, low and slow, and trips over his words in a way Elle's never heard before.
"I-it - I don't know, it just..." He stops, jaw tightening, trying to figure out how to phrase it or trying to get past that one wall of his that keeps him from talking about these things, she's not sure which. "It feels... safe? Comfortable. I don't have to explain everything, but he'll listen when I want to, and I don't get the feeling he's just putting up with me or something, and he's gone out of his way to take care of me when he didn't have to and it - "
He stops again, rubs at his eyes. Elle waits a bit, but when he doesn't say anything else it's clear he's not going to. So she talks instead, laughs a bit because she can't help it. "That's adorable."
"Elle..." Exasperation, but she recognizes the warning underlining it. This isn't something he wants to be teased about, and with anyone else it's likely he would've just gotten up and left then and there. So she pulls it back, tightens her hold on his hand.
"Sorry." She gives him a small, apologetic little smile, presses on when he nods, relaxes a bit. "I don't think you have much to be scared about, though. So what's the problem?"
"I don't want to drive him away." He runs a hand through his hair, pushes on before Elle can comment. "I don't think he'd have a moral issue, I'm just worried if I said something, or if he caught on, it'd kind of - "
"Push things apart, you mean?"
Alex nods, looks a little relieved at her taking the burden of explanation off him, that she gets what he's trying to say. "Yeah. He's socially awkward at best, Elle. I'm not exactly used to the types." It's goes unspoken, but they both know what he means, about home and how everybody knew each other. The silence lasts longer than it should as they think on the place out by the lake, then Alex presses on. "I've been doing okay so far, but - wait, not how I wanna phrase it - "
She laughs again, a soft thing, squeezes his hand. "It's okay. I get it. I dunno, Alex... I get the worry, and I can't make the decision for you. But... I think you should try." She smiles. "Either way, it sounds like you really lucked out, meeting this guy. He's good for you."
And Alex can't help his own smile, the crooked kind of thing that appears when he really means it, voice hushed and almost shy when he responds with a simple "yeah, I did."
They sit in silence like that for a while, a comfortable sort of thing. Elle's the one who breaks it, the grin back on her face. "And I think I'm a little overdue in meeting him, don't you?"
"No, no I don't." It's almost a groan, and he pulls his hand away, shaking his head as he picks up his mug again to drink. "I think that's the last thing I need happening."
"And what does that mean, Shepherd?"
He just grins, bursting into laughter when she punches his shoulder again.
Alex chokes on his coffee, and Elle helps in her usual way, by grinning as he pounds on his chest and finally manages to clear his lungs, coughing the entire way. His voice is slightly hoarse from the ordeal when he manages to respond, staring at her like she's grown two heads. "He's not my boyfriend, Jesus Elle, are you trying to kill me?"
"Oh c'mon, Alex! Don't even try that with me." She reaches over, punches his shoulder lightly, the amusement not leaving her face. "I've known you forever. The way you get when you talk about him? You've got it bad."
He frowns, opens his mouth to voice another denial, pauses when he takes in Elle's expression and crossed arms. Then, with a new note of tired resignation: "... is it really that obvious?"
Elle's answering is a resounding "yes" and Alex groans, rubs his hands down his face, feels a mixture of embarrassment and panic crop up. What if he's noticed is the one at the forefront of his mind, and he tries not to think about it, shove it back, but the more he tries not to think on it the more he does. It's a self-defeating paradox.
"Hey." Elle's voice is soft, her hand softer as she wraps her fingers around one of his wrists loosely, pulls a hand away from his face, leaves him staring out at her through one eye. The grin's gone, replaced by that familiar comforting smile that's been there since his childhood, getting him through all the rough patches like nothing else he'd known. Despite himself, he feels the tension in his shoulders start to ease. "Relax. C'mon, just talk to me." She takes his hand in both of hers, rubs a thumb over his knuckles, and finally he lets his other hand drop to the table. He fidgets, sighs, wraps his fingers around hers. Starts his usual thoughtless rambling that he does when he wants to get something out that won't come out any other way, habit long familiar for both of them. And Elle just listens.
Listens as he explains that he'd realized it a while ago, a sudden thought that had struck him and nearly sent him into a panic attack, and that he'd spent almost fifteen minutes fumbling for an explanation that couldn't hold water when Henry had given him an alarmed look and then another five to reassure the older man that he was fine, really, and thankfully Henry had let it dropped even though Alex was lying through his teeth and was painfully aware that Henry knew it too. (Elle can't help her giggling at that; Alex glowers at her until she stops, but without much bite behind the look at all.) Tells her that it's wholly unfamiliar ground he's treading on - he'd had crushes in his childhood, sure, but this was different, undeniable and completely clear and "to be honest, as stupid as it sounds, it scares the hell out of me."
Elle doesn't talk about Shepherd's Glen, about the environment they grew up in where it was unhappily married men and women everywhere and how nobody had really talked about these kinds of things, but quietly files it away as a possible factor. At least, if she were in Alex's shoes, it would be for her. Instead she just says, "Tell me about it."
"What?"
"What it's like when you're around him."
Alex fidgets again, eyes flickering everywhere. Elle doesn't press him, knows by now that if she tried she'd just run up against a brick wall, because all Shepherd men are like that, just stays quiet and waits. Finally he lets out a breath, low and slow, and trips over his words in a way Elle's never heard before.
"I-it - I don't know, it just..." He stops, jaw tightening, trying to figure out how to phrase it or trying to get past that one wall of his that keeps him from talking about these things, she's not sure which. "It feels... safe? Comfortable. I don't have to explain everything, but he'll listen when I want to, and I don't get the feeling he's just putting up with me or something, and he's gone out of his way to take care of me when he didn't have to and it - "
He stops again, rubs at his eyes. Elle waits a bit, but when he doesn't say anything else it's clear he's not going to. So she talks instead, laughs a bit because she can't help it. "That's adorable."
"Elle..." Exasperation, but she recognizes the warning underlining it. This isn't something he wants to be teased about, and with anyone else it's likely he would've just gotten up and left then and there. So she pulls it back, tightens her hold on his hand.
"Sorry." She gives him a small, apologetic little smile, presses on when he nods, relaxes a bit. "I don't think you have much to be scared about, though. So what's the problem?"
"I don't want to drive him away." He runs a hand through his hair, pushes on before Elle can comment. "I don't think he'd have a moral issue, I'm just worried if I said something, or if he caught on, it'd kind of - "
"Push things apart, you mean?"
Alex nods, looks a little relieved at her taking the burden of explanation off him, that she gets what he's trying to say. "Yeah. He's socially awkward at best, Elle. I'm not exactly used to the types." It's goes unspoken, but they both know what he means, about home and how everybody knew each other. The silence lasts longer than it should as they think on the place out by the lake, then Alex presses on. "I've been doing okay so far, but - wait, not how I wanna phrase it - "
She laughs again, a soft thing, squeezes his hand. "It's okay. I get it. I dunno, Alex... I get the worry, and I can't make the decision for you. But... I think you should try." She smiles. "Either way, it sounds like you really lucked out, meeting this guy. He's good for you."
And Alex can't help his own smile, the crooked kind of thing that appears when he really means it, voice hushed and almost shy when he responds with a simple "yeah, I did."
They sit in silence like that for a while, a comfortable sort of thing. Elle's the one who breaks it, the grin back on her face. "And I think I'm a little overdue in meeting him, don't you?"
"No, no I don't." It's almost a groan, and he pulls his hand away, shaking his head as he picks up his mug again to drink. "I think that's the last thing I need happening."
"And what does that mean, Shepherd?"
He just grins, bursting into laughter when she punches his shoulder again.