A UNT Theatre Major's Lament
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A BA IN THEATRE
ISN'T WHERE YOU WANT TO BE?
TWO YEARS OF CLASS TIME, OF BUSTING MY ASS TIME
AND NOW I CAN'T GET MY DEGREE
SO I HAVE TO SEE HOW, TO CHANGE MY DEGREE NOW
OR WAIT SIX YEARS TO GRADUATE
BUT SOMEHOW I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING I MIGHT MAKE
A TRANSFER TO SAM HOUSTON STATE...
lights up on Nathan Autrey and Fran Wyant
Fran: Morning, Nathan.
Nathan: Hi, Fran.
Fran: How's life?
Nathan: Disappointing!
Fran: What's the matter?
Nathan: The department just changed all their rules and told us at the last minute.
Fran: Oh, I know! I hate it!
Nathan: Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm four years into college, and I always thought -
Fran: What?
Nathan:No, it sounds stupid.
Fran: Aww, come on!
Nathan:
WHEN I ARRIVED HERE, I PLANNED IT THIS WAY
Fran: What?
Nathan: I’D BE AN ACTOR! GET MY BFA!
BUT I STILL HAVEN’T TAKEN COSTUME, SO HEY, I’M SCREWED
Fran: Yep.
Nathan: OH WELL… IT SUCKS TO BE ME.
Fran: Nooo.
Nathan: IT SUCKS TO BE ME.
Fran: No!
Nathan: AND NOW I WON’T GRADUATE UNTIL I’M PUSHING TWENTY-THREE
IT SUCKS TO BE ME.
Fran: Oh, you think your life sucks?
Nathan: I think so.
Fran: Your problems aren't so bad!
MY CLOTHES ARE WELL-MADE, AND PRETTY DAMN HOT
Nathan:They are.
Fran: Thanks!
EVERY DESIGN’S CHOCK FULL OF FEELING AND THOUGHT
AND AS YOU’VE PROB’LY HEARD AN ACTRESS I’M NOT!
SO WHY ARE WE THE SAME THING NOW?
FUCK! IT SUCKS TO BE ME!
Nathan: Me too.
Fran: IT SUCKS TO BE ME.
Nathan: IT SUCKS TO BE ME.
IT SUCKS TO BE NATHAN
Fran: AND FRAN
Nathan: TO NOT HAVE A SAY
Fran: IN OUR DEGREE PLAN
Both: IT SUCKS TO BE ME.
John Martone and Wes Bourland enter
Nathan: Hey, Wes, John, can you settle something for us? Do you have a second?
John: Ah, certainly.
Fran: Whose life sucks more? Nathan's or mine?
John and Wes: Ours!
John: SO WE’RE BOTH ACTORS
Wes: BUT SING AND DANCE REAL GREAT
John: WE WORSHIP SONDHEIM
Wes: AND SOMEHOW ARE BOTH STRAIGHT
John: AND NOW NO SINGING OR DANCING IS OUR FATE…
AND I’M JUST COMING BACK NOW!
IT SUCKS TO BE ME!
Wes: NO, IT SUCKS TO BE ME!
Fran: IT SUCKS TO BE ME!
Nathan: IT SUCKS TO BE ME!
All: IS THERE ANYBODY HERE IT DOESN'T SUCK TO BE?
IT SUCKS TO BE ME!