Sorry, I can't take your call right now, I'm stuffing my face with homemade corn turds slathered in pinto bean paste and cottage cheese.

My co-worker is always at least an hour and a half late for work on Sundays. My neck is so stiff that if sloppy-kiss man from Dance Cave gave me meningitis I'm going to have to cut someone. God I feel like someone kicked me in the back of my head. I hate waking up with alcohol-related injuries.

My shit never floats, Mr. Cocker. I hate this job. I hate this job. I hate myself for wasting all this free time at work! I'm not even living anymore.

I'm going to get bed sores from this job.

The world sure is a nice place after an americano.

...
I am a double short, if you think about it. Also, I kind of feel weird tipping Coffee Guy. Also, my eyes are doing that thing where I have to hold them in a certain way or my contacts will just pop right out. Also, I always miss it, but June 9th was my five-year LJ anniversary. I just ( Read more... )

After honest introspection, I have come to the realization that my sexuality is decidedly 'homosexual male'. Despite having gotten myself into so many sexual situations involving women, my devout heterosexuality can only be explained by the fact that I'm a flaming homo stuck in a juicy girl's body. I know that's why I almost exclusively fall for ( Read more... )

I spent the evening with Kendra, sitting on the kitchen floor, eating canned tuna, talking about awkward sexual situations and farting/laughing uncontrollably. I'm not sure if the staccato flatuence caused the pained laughter or vice versa. It hurts the spot between my eyebrows to think about how much I love her ( Read more... )

When I say it, I mean it and I mean it and oh, do I mean it. I say it with my lips and fingers. No one else means it. No one else can touch the words that sprout from one's mouth like I can. You keep leaving out the important bits and forgetting all the lovely parts ( Read more... )

Facebook ate my brain . I must admit, I've been living it up like a fourteen-year-old. I've been drinking in alleys and dancing like a hooker for the past few weeks non-stop. I saw my boss a couple of hours ago at a trashy bar and he bought me a drink. Fuck I am drunk right now. FUCK ( Read more... )

Sleep leaves me so filthy.