MOH Woes / Am I Being a Jerk?

[champagnexdream]

Hi WPers! I’m having an issue with one of my Maids of Honor (I have two because I have two best friends and they live on different sides of the country, so the one I’m having the issue with is one I expected to help me with a lot of the in-town stuff, and she agreed) and I was wondering how you all would handle it.

Comments

[oh_muffy]

She sounds kind of immature about the helping with small details & not wanting to discuss things about your wedding. How old are you guys? Be straight up & tell her it hurts your feelings when she seems to brush aside conversations you'd like to have; maybe she doesn't even realize how she's reacting.

But I would let the Vegas thing go. Paying for your bridal shower & spending money on a flight & hotel to Vegas is a bit much. I abhor destination weddings & bachelor/ette parties, though, so maybe my opinion is unpopular, I just think it's presumptuous to assume people have that kind of time & money. Weddings shouldn't be a competition, for all you know she has something really neat planned for you as a gift that she isn't doing for the girl she's attending two showers for. Don't always assume people are trying to dick you over!

[blergeatkitty]

Look, different people are comfortable in different situations. As long as she's been there for you in other ways (and it sounds like she has), you shouldn't feel slighted. It's okay to feel disappointed and even a little hurt that she can't make it to Vegas, but it's not okay to make it a potential friendship-ender (or bridal-party-ender). One of my three bridesmaids begged off of my own Vegas bachelorette party because it wasn't her "thing" (also, because she was on a budget and I was already making her travel for a destination wedding) but she was a champ at throwing a shower and super-organized in ways the rest of us weren't at the event itself, and while I know she'd have had more fun than she predicted if she'd sucked it up and gone on the trip, I don't feel like it made her less of a bridesmaid because she didn't

[neko038]

Agreed with the above. I am also someone who does not drink etc and have been aked to be MOH and bridesmaids in other weddings and going out drinking with friends and to a show etc in a destination is completely different than going out on the town. In Vegas or other non-hometown destinations, you are out of your element and have less control if your friends get to wasted and it makes you stress out alot being a non-drinker partier. Also, prices rack up faster when out of town as you have no choice but to go out to eat and drink and you don't know the reasonable places. It is always nice to think people can afford things but you never know until you either ask them straight out or are in their shoes.
Crys

[blueirisheyez]

Agreed.

[lalanav]

Very much this. And I'll add this, myself: I wouldn't spend money on a bachelorette party in Vegas, either - I'm not going to spend an excessive amount of money on something I won't enjoy, even if I could afford it. A local bachelorette party with similar events doesn't require me to pack, possibly take time off from work depending on the schedule, buy a plane ticket, rent an expensive hotel room, pay for outrageously expensive drinks/meals, and pay a premium for everything just because I'm in Vegas - Vegas is not my 'thing' and any friend I'm close enough with to be in the bridal party will not only know that, but understand that I shouldn't be expected to shell out a significant amount of money to not enjoy myself.

[miauminx]

you do realize the only people who truly care about your wedding are you and your partner.
also paying to fly to Vegas for someone in 2 weddings CAN be expensive.

[cpb1220]

Being in a wedding is expensive. Being in two in the same year sucks. If Vegas isn't her thing, she shouldn't feel forced to go. You say she can afford it, but how do you actually know that?

Honestly, the only thing I expected of my bridesmaids was that they buy the dress and show up on the wedding day. Anything else was gravy.

[evilnel]

"Honestly, the only thing I expected of my bridesmaids was that they buy the dress and show up on the wedding day. Anything else was gravy."

THIS.

[enjoyliving]

And even if she can afford it, you don't dictate how she spends her money

[unboundvoice]

The fact that she threw/paid for your bridal shower is a HUGE deal. Having done that several times for weddings/babies myself, I know that it is expensive, stressful and time consuming. Honestly, I'd be really annoyed with you if I were her and you were giving me a hard time about not going to Vegas. I'm not a huge fan of big expensive bachelorette parties to start with, and most definitely would not go to one in Vegas (I'm in CA if that matters) even if I could afford it. I do not see bachelorette parties as mandatory. It almost sounds more like you are jealous of the role she is taking with the other friend and that's unflattering.