I think i'm gonna ramble for a bit.
It's weird how it is really, i don't actually mind people knowing my business even though i may seem reticent; it's just that i find it hard talking about stuff. Stuff that belongs to me, stuff that's really on my heart or bothering me or ideas i'm playing with.
Shall i get on with it?
Yes.... well why the hesitation?! I dunno, i guess things have just been topsy-turvy, contradictory, inside-out, fearful, exciting, corny, predicable, scary and a million other inconsistencies at the same time with me lately. Heck, it's the story of my life. I want in and i want out but i can't get in and i won't get out.
*slaps head on monitor, expecting to feel pain but instead finds that head emerges on the inside of the screen; whole body is thence sucked in and shrunk simultaneously. i cannot look out onto the outside world coz i am now a flattened 2D image with my back facing the matrix but at least i can flit around and amongst the millions of websites there are and never look back.* Coz afterall, looking back is my worst nightmare. That's why i can't look forward. Coz what's behind is clouding my vision. Isn't that ironic. I do have eyes on my back. Wow that's amazing (yeh that was meant to be read totally dead-pan style btw. With no display of meaning or suggestion of feeling. And yeh whatever was said there was sarcasm).
Life is simple when you think about it, really. Just try and point out the one thing that everyone craves or needs or wants in life ultimately. Is it world peace? Social justice? Happiness? Love? Direction in life? A purpose?
For a while, i was sure the answer was love. After all isn't that what everyone seems to crave for in the movies and stuff? But then i thought, well but some people seem to have love and be loved yet they don't seem to have peace for whatever reason. Some people don't seem to be looking for love but for other things. Being on whatever kind of high. Personal, lifelong goals. Or perhaps they're struggling with accepting themselves. And yeah, love covers some of these things, but then it just kinda hit me: people are just looking for God.
You need loving? There's no greater love than the master of the universe dying for you. You're scared of death and want to live forever? This life is just the tip of an giant iceberg of eternity. God's there waiting for you at the other side. You live in fear of anything? God can set you free if you let Him.
Need forgiveness? People may not forgive you perfectly, but you can find peace in that God has forgiven you, even if they don't want to or can't. You need someone to depend on, to rely on? He's not going anywhere.
You crave excitment in your life? God is the inventor of adrenaline! Want direction in life and to count for something in this world? God has a plan for your life if you will walk with Him. Worried about the future? He holds it in His hands baby.
It sounds too good to be true. No more worries in life, no more stresses. No more cravings that you can't control even though you know they are destroying your life. The love of your life with you, all the time. The only One whom nothing is impossible for. Truly there is nothing new under the sun... but His mercies are new everyday because the earth is just His footstool.
I asked God what i needed to be set free from every negative thing in my life. Y'know what He said to me? "Just believe." It is that simple. Just believe that God's word is true. That He died and came back to life again, and snatched the keys of hell back again. Just believe that He loves you. Believe that you are worth so much in His eyes.
But how can i do that, when all around me are screams and tears? How can i know that God is real?
It's coz when i'm near Him, i know i've found my destiny. Everything just falls into place, makes sense even though i don't understand it. He talks with me, and when i live in His love, everything in my life just fits. I don't worry about burdens that He's not given me to bear. I can trust that He knows what He's doing. It's not about morals and judgement and justice anymore, it's just all about God Himself.
Then i was freezing up in fear about all the changes that are going on around me. With people, with things... people going away, moving into my life, more responsibilities for me in some areas, and less in other areas. People pairing off. Getting married. Graduating. Getting jobs. Why does everything have to change? But change is for growth. Change is inevitable coz 1)if everything was always the same it'd be boring, 2)Some changes are for the better. In fact, some changes are made because it is better than if it remains unchanged. And yet i'm still scared. I don't have to tell you how i can get out of that one do i now.
I don't have to be tough on the outside. Actually it's probably better that i'm vulnerable, coz God uses people in their weaknesses. So i should be strong on the inside but gentle and meek on the outside. But not pure girly barbie-dollish or quiet and shy (although you could say i am) or anything like that. It's different. It's definitely different. It'd better be.
And somewhere in there i've been thinking about erotic love and marriage. There you go. Erotic love. And that sex really is a beautiful thing. And coming to terms with the fact that it's ok that i'm a girl (not quite a woman wouldn't go that far yet still freaks me out thinking about that) and it's ok to ...want certain.... things ok i've gone all embarrassed again but why should i coz it's natural and there now that i've written it down it won't be too hard to read over it again or even to talk about it in real life.
So i was thinking about how every girl wants a guy or a boyfriend at least and how intimate a relationship could get and how i'm gradually admitting to myself that i'd want a guy to want me and about *ahem now i really hope no one's stupid enough to have read this* orgasms and that when Jesus just burst in and serenaded me with a love song. Do you know that he's the perfect lover? A gentleman who makes it known that you're worth everything to him, yet he doesn't force anything on you. He loves without ceasing, even when you don't love Him back. Do you have any idea how much that must hurt? I don't.
Do you think you can get spiritual orgasms? I was thinking about that and round about that time i read a bit of this book called "I'll have what she's having" by Bobbie Huston (wife of the pastor of Hillsong Australia). She'd looked up the word "orgasm" in the dictionary and apparently it's a height or peak or point of intensity. I was totally shocked coz 1)I rarely think about the word orgasm and 2)she'd actually looked it up in the dictionary as is the sensible thing to do. I don't think i've ever reached that point yet. In both senses of the word i'm trying to put across. Don't think?! What?! No, definitely not. DUH.
Is it too much to ask God that i won't fall in love or even be attracted to anyone and vice versa until i meet the one guy He's got planned for me? Coz i asked. I've not had any experiences with having a boyfriend, but i look around and see the pain and time wasted in courtship, realizing my own mistakes and the mistakes of others, and i cringe and scream and cry inside. Why why why? Why can some things not be taken back? And i don't it ever happening to me or anyone. What's the "it"? It's called heartbreak. And i can't deal with it. Unforgiveness when there's nothing to be forgiven, misunderstandings, actions and words that can't be taken back. Fair enough you learn things from situations, but why "learn" something when you already know it? I don't want to. I know what i want. I want purity for Christ, purity in love. Is that too much to ask?
What else do i want? What else do i dream about?
I dream about people passionately worshipping God. I cry inside when i think about clubs and dancing, i don't know why. I hope i'm not judgemental in any way. But i cry because i wonder what they are dancing for, and why we can be loud and unabashed in plenty of things but so self-concious when we worship God. Like come on guys He's God! Give Him all you've got!!!! Make noise so frickin' louds that it's all rock n roll in heaven! But i guess it's gotta be a combination of the leaders beginning to influence and inspire people, and people beginning to actually wake up and see the amazingness of God. It's so sad. But i'm hopeful at the same time.
I dream about people (myself included) being set free from all sorts of addictions and being healed from sicknesses. Coz God has the power to y'know. Guess it starts in me though. Please, please start in me!
I dream about people knowing their worth in Christ. For girls to love themselves because God made them and loves each and every one. Coz when He made us He was pleased. I dream about us laughing in the face of hardship and turmoil. Insecurities? I claim that we will one day have none because His grace is sufficient for us.
I want to learn how to love. Without limit.
But i can't just dream. It's not just a dream coz all things are possible through Christ who gives me strength. May i never boast in anything except in the cross of Christ, through whom the world has been crucified to me, and i to the world. At the moment i'm all talk. But things are changing. I'm changing - i can feel it. And i see it too coz i'm so not the same person i was a year ago. Yah. Just need consistency =( Where will i find it?
Anyway i'm hoping that all this writing will prepare me for essay/report writing in uni... less than a month to go. Argh. I don't mind it all that much if it's an interesting/applicable i'm working on really, just that my brain is predisposed with an affinity for knocking itself off neural brick walls. Don't even know if that makes sense but i'm not gonna bother looking back on it now coz if it's good i'll feel smart but if it's bad i can just go "oh well, s'not like i thought about it for ages."
I think i'll leave this post up here for a while. Meanwhile if you ever think of me or of visiting this site again for whatever reason, can i ask a favour that you read it again, digest what i'm saying, pose your own questions, challenge my opinions - i just wanna know what you think and to fine tune my thoughts or change my mindset about whatever. If i know you in real life and you wanna discuss anything face to face just ask. Especially if i don't know that you've read this coz well it is a bit weird not knowing who's reading these things.
Ta.