In Search of Speed
Title: In Search of Speed
Author: weird_number
Genre: Humor
Ratings/Warnings: PG13/Everyone is pretty technically savvy in this. Lots of random (and critical) current events.
Summary: England intends to take full advantage of their upcoming trip to South Korea. Semi-sequel to Classified Pornography.
Pairings: Hints of FrUK.
England, for reasons that France did not understand, had been very excited at the prospect of holding their next meeting in South Korea. So excited, in fact, that he'd come with his laptop and eight external hard drives in tow.
"It looks quite like you're a waging war," France had commented, "but...with hard drives?"
England made a dismissive sound and told France to mind his own damn business, for he was making a very sweet trade deal with South Korea and France was going to miss out because of his own stupidity. Or something like that, France wasn't sure if he cared.
During their first speech (courtesy of South Korea), France was surprised to discover that England had decided to switch over to note-taking with his laptop. What had prompted the sudden change? Was England really getting tired of good ol' pen and paper? Then he noticed further oddities-England wasn't actually typing anything on the laptop. Instead, every half hour or so, England would glance at the screen, make a few clicks here and there, and then turn his attention back to South Korea.
"...the recent attacks have been quite disturbing, so I've been holding military drills near the border," South Korea continued on the podium, looking exceptionally serious this time. "If they attack us again, we fully expect to retaliate."
France was only half-listening to South Korea, for he felt very distracted by the misplaced grin on England's face. He didn't understand exactly how England could be grinning at this point in the speech, especially since China, Russia and America were shooting each other tense, worried stares and communicating their concern through subtle eyebrow movements (France had no idea when America had learned this level of subtlety). In fact, England was the only nation in the room with a smile plastered to his face, entirely oblivious to the tension everywhere.
What the hell was England doing?
France was sitting too far from England to see the nation's laptop, which left only one other maneuver...
America had showed him this particular method a few years ago, though he quickly gave the disclaimer that he "rarely ever found a use for it", and that this was just "a demo to demonstrate how great I am". Well, France would certainly find a use for it today. He opened up his own laptop, connected to their wireless hub (someone had thoughtfully named their network 'maporgy') and fired up Wireshark, a network sniffer.
As soon as he began the capture process on Wireshark, an immediate three thousand packets showed up on the interface. France quickly did a filter for DNS queries and saw that most of the packets were requests to the same host, x15qz . com. It was obvious that someone was downloading massive amounts of data, and from a very suspicious-looking host to boot. Time for some detective work, France decided, glancing around the room.
Only three people were actively using an electronic device-Greece, England, and Estonia. Greece was probably using it to desperately keep from falling asleep in the middle of South Korea's speech (he did not look to be succeeding). Estonia was typing rapidly on his netbook, likely a sign that the nation was actually taking notes. England was still smirking, though it was no longer quite as pronounced.
France sighed dramatically. Possibly the only way to figure this out was to just see what the fuss was at this site. He copied the url into his browser.
And had to quickly close it before he laughed out loud.
Someone was looking at quite...graphical videos in the middle of the meeting room. His thoughts quickly turned to that lovely discovery on England's laptop a few years back...
But then, France realized, the massive amount of packets being transferred over the network did not actually point to anyone looking at anything. No one could possibly look at anything that fast, unless they possessed a set of inhuman, hawk-like eyes. So whoever was accessing this site was clearly not actually looking at anything, but just retrieving the files, perhaps as safekeeping for later use. And that satisfied smirk on England's face-it was probably the result of a series of highly successful downloads.
Oh England...
When they adjourned for lunch, France quickly slid over to the table England was at. He noticed that England had in hand a spam fritter, one of his own making, and winced with sympathy. Perhaps he could offer some of his own food as a consolation to his poor neighbor later.
"So," he began, seating himself uninvited, "I am quite surprised, England. You seemed quite happy about the situation with South Korea. Planning something?"
"Whatever would make you think that?" England grumbled, taking a bite out of his spam fritter.
"Well," France grinned, "I couldn't help but notice that you were so very happy in the meeting today. Certainly no one else in the room looked excited about the prospect of war on the Korean peninsula. You must be gaining something. A prospective arms deal, perhaps?"
"Hardly," England stated, trying to keep his voice as even as possible, "I simply don't see how the matter concerns me in any way. America-"
"-is your close ally, correct? Surely you would be more active in supporting him and his alliance with South Korea?"
England made an annoyed noise and said, "You know I am not the most involved in this matter! And if that idiot gets himself involved in yet another war, I...You know what, goddamnit France, I don't see why you insist on disturbing my lunch hour with your useless banter."
"Oh, England," France said brightly, placing an arm around England's shoulder. "This is about a matter of grave importance! There must be a good reason you came armed with eight hard drives, right? Surely one is more than enough to handle any notes you might need to take."
"What?" England spluttered, attempting to shrug off the offending arm. "What I choose to take with me to a meeting is hardly any of your business!"
"No it certainly isn't," France agreed, "But England, I know you have always been a most practical person. So clearly you need those hard drives for something, or you would not have taken them with you, right?"
"Of course I need them," England ground out, "but what I need them for is hardly your business!"
France chuckled. "I guess that means you were the one massively hogging the network with your downloading spree, huh? I wonder, England, did you get your fill today from the world's fastest internet?"
"What?" England shouted, glaring at France, "How the hell did you-you bastard!"
"What about me?" France asked, feigning innocence, "South Korea has the world's fastest internet, does he not? So I suppose it would be perfectly understandable if you were excited because of the prospects of being able to download massive amounts of-"
"Goddamnit, France! What the fuck have you been doing? I should report you for undue spying! And I'll have you know that I wasn't looking at anything at all graphic!"
"Wait, graphic?" France asked, chuckling at England's slip. "I was about to say 'massive amounts of pirated movies', but apparently dear England is up to something else, eh?"
England shot him an incensed glare, and ripped at the remains of his spam fritter.
France was about to open his mouth again, when he realized that England's demeanor had changed, and the nation was now shooting him a challenging look. "And so what if I am, France? I'm merely preparing for the future."
"Preparing for the future?" France asked, incredulous. "Ah, I see. You aren't happy about having to go back home to your subpar connection speed, is that the problem?"
"No," England snapped, annoyed. "You damn bastard, what would you know anyway! I..." England trailed off, and France just knew that England had some secret he was unwilling to reveal. A possibly highly embarrassing secret, and one that France was not about to lose to the abyss...
"You what?" he prompted.
"It's none of your damn business!" England groused, turning away.
"You know," France began, affectionately patting his own laptop, "I have quite a bit evidence of your...activities...in the meeting room today. Perhaps you'd like it if I informed South Korea of your transgressions-"
"So now you're blackmailing me?" England breathed out, incensed. Then, after a moment's consideration, he acquiesced. "Fine, France, fine! Just look at the news-my news-ahh, forget it, it's not as if I expect you to be able to find anything for yourself!" England pulled out his laptop and alt-tabbed to the appropriate browser, gesturing for France to read.
A distinctly tabloid-like blog lit the screen. And there, on the left, in blue serif font, was an article titled: 'British government wants all porn filtered out of the web'. France had to read the headline twice to be sure of its existence. Then the article...apparently England's government was asking for porn to be blocked by default, and for users to be allowed to opt in should they wish to view it.
So this was why England had gone to such an extent, this...
"Satisfied now?" England barked sharply, voice barely repressing his anger.
Under normal situations, France would've had a good laugh at England's expense. After this unfortunate turn of events, however-"I... offer my sympathies, Angleterre. I know what a horrific thing it is, when your government turns against your people, oh it is very tragic indeed!"
"You think I want your sympathies now?" England snapped back, "You would be much more sympathetic if you hadn't pushed your goddamn nosy self into my business-"
France ignored England's unhappy ranting and said, "This is a most unfortunate matter for your people, I fully understand. After all, first they come for your porn, then who knows what they'll come for? You should protest-they haven't enacted it yet, have they?"
England shook his head.
France disregarded the ominous look brewing on England's face and continued, "You are certainly very right to stock up on your collection. After all, opting in for porn would mean giving them a nice list of names, and judging by your numerous attempts at repressing your needs, it would be highly embarrassing to find your name broadcasted on such a list, right?"
England shot him a dark glare in response, which France promptly ignored. "But really, why so worried? If it comes down to it and you are too embarrassed to opt in, you can always drop by my place. Certainly I have no problems sharing my bandwidth with someone who is performing such a useful task for the world! And besides-"
"France!" England protested, clearly reaching his limit, "I told you I don't need your sympathies! If you don't have anything useful to discuss-"
"Actually," France cut in, "I do have something useful. I just remembered-America was bragging about this some months back-the fastest internet in the world, the one that will probably allow you to augment your currently limited collection in the shortest amount of time...it is in America." France grinned, waiting for England's reaction.
England gave him an unreadable look (was that hope?), lifted the remains of his spam fritters in a single swoop and promptly left the table, leaving a mildly peeved France behind. Could England have at least thanked him for the tip?
Later, a very confused America told France that England had wanted him to arrange for a week-long stay in Berkeley, California. "He said he just needed a one-room apartment," America explained, "as close to the campus as possible. I mean, I even offered him a more spacious place in the hills where he could get a nice view of the bay, but all he wanted was this one-room apartment next to campus! Kinda odd..."
France shook his head in amusement and said, "Oh, you know England. He's certainly a very odd nation. And I almost forgot-" France pulled out a short note he'd scribbled the day before from his pocket. "If you don't mind, hand this to England for me, will you?"
America nodded his agreement, and France waved him away affably.
England unfurled the note a few days later-
If all else fails, tell your people to lie back and think of England. ;)
P.S. I would appreciate it if you stopped cursing my smiley faces.
-and the first thing he did was curse France's crooked winking face.
notes
- http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/dec/19/broadband-sex-safeguard-children-vaizey and http://www.engadget.com/2010/12/20/british-government-wants-all-porn-filtered-out-of-the-web-all-f/ for various articles on the porn blocking
- Wireshark is a packet analyzer with a nice frontend, and like America, I totally have not done anything specific with it. Nope, nada!
- South Korea and Japan have the fastest average internet in the world, but specific American cities do better. These cities are all college towns (Berkeley, Stanford and Chapel Hill), and it’s only the universities themselves that have the fast connections. Hence why England needs to stay close to campus: http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2010/04/your-fastest-internet-in-the-world-is-found-in-berkeley-ca.ars
- Recently South Korea staged a very large military drill: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-12065267 and “promised immediate retalation to any further Northern attack”.
Author: weird_number
Genre: Humor
Ratings/Warnings: PG13/Everyone is pretty technically savvy in this. Lots of random (and critical) current events.
Summary: England intends to take full advantage of their upcoming trip to South Korea. Semi-sequel to Classified Pornography.
Pairings: Hints of FrUK.
England, for reasons that France did not understand, had been very excited at the prospect of holding their next meeting in South Korea. So excited, in fact, that he'd come with his laptop and eight external hard drives in tow.
"It looks quite like you're a waging war," France had commented, "but...with hard drives?"
England made a dismissive sound and told France to mind his own damn business, for he was making a very sweet trade deal with South Korea and France was going to miss out because of his own stupidity. Or something like that, France wasn't sure if he cared.
During their first speech (courtesy of South Korea), France was surprised to discover that England had decided to switch over to note-taking with his laptop. What had prompted the sudden change? Was England really getting tired of good ol' pen and paper? Then he noticed further oddities-England wasn't actually typing anything on the laptop. Instead, every half hour or so, England would glance at the screen, make a few clicks here and there, and then turn his attention back to South Korea.
"...the recent attacks have been quite disturbing, so I've been holding military drills near the border," South Korea continued on the podium, looking exceptionally serious this time. "If they attack us again, we fully expect to retaliate."
France was only half-listening to South Korea, for he felt very distracted by the misplaced grin on England's face. He didn't understand exactly how England could be grinning at this point in the speech, especially since China, Russia and America were shooting each other tense, worried stares and communicating their concern through subtle eyebrow movements (France had no idea when America had learned this level of subtlety). In fact, England was the only nation in the room with a smile plastered to his face, entirely oblivious to the tension everywhere.
What the hell was England doing?
France was sitting too far from England to see the nation's laptop, which left only one other maneuver...
America had showed him this particular method a few years ago, though he quickly gave the disclaimer that he "rarely ever found a use for it", and that this was just "a demo to demonstrate how great I am". Well, France would certainly find a use for it today. He opened up his own laptop, connected to their wireless hub (someone had thoughtfully named their network 'maporgy') and fired up Wireshark, a network sniffer.
As soon as he began the capture process on Wireshark, an immediate three thousand packets showed up on the interface. France quickly did a filter for DNS queries and saw that most of the packets were requests to the same host, x15qz . com. It was obvious that someone was downloading massive amounts of data, and from a very suspicious-looking host to boot. Time for some detective work, France decided, glancing around the room.
Only three people were actively using an electronic device-Greece, England, and Estonia. Greece was probably using it to desperately keep from falling asleep in the middle of South Korea's speech (he did not look to be succeeding). Estonia was typing rapidly on his netbook, likely a sign that the nation was actually taking notes. England was still smirking, though it was no longer quite as pronounced.
France sighed dramatically. Possibly the only way to figure this out was to just see what the fuss was at this site. He copied the url into his browser.
And had to quickly close it before he laughed out loud.
Someone was looking at quite...graphical videos in the middle of the meeting room. His thoughts quickly turned to that lovely discovery on England's laptop a few years back...
But then, France realized, the massive amount of packets being transferred over the network did not actually point to anyone looking at anything. No one could possibly look at anything that fast, unless they possessed a set of inhuman, hawk-like eyes. So whoever was accessing this site was clearly not actually looking at anything, but just retrieving the files, perhaps as safekeeping for later use. And that satisfied smirk on England's face-it was probably the result of a series of highly successful downloads.
Oh England...
When they adjourned for lunch, France quickly slid over to the table England was at. He noticed that England had in hand a spam fritter, one of his own making, and winced with sympathy. Perhaps he could offer some of his own food as a consolation to his poor neighbor later.
"So," he began, seating himself uninvited, "I am quite surprised, England. You seemed quite happy about the situation with South Korea. Planning something?"
"Whatever would make you think that?" England grumbled, taking a bite out of his spam fritter.
"Well," France grinned, "I couldn't help but notice that you were so very happy in the meeting today. Certainly no one else in the room looked excited about the prospect of war on the Korean peninsula. You must be gaining something. A prospective arms deal, perhaps?"
"Hardly," England stated, trying to keep his voice as even as possible, "I simply don't see how the matter concerns me in any way. America-"
"-is your close ally, correct? Surely you would be more active in supporting him and his alliance with South Korea?"
England made an annoyed noise and said, "You know I am not the most involved in this matter! And if that idiot gets himself involved in yet another war, I...You know what, goddamnit France, I don't see why you insist on disturbing my lunch hour with your useless banter."
"Oh, England," France said brightly, placing an arm around England's shoulder. "This is about a matter of grave importance! There must be a good reason you came armed with eight hard drives, right? Surely one is more than enough to handle any notes you might need to take."
"What?" England spluttered, attempting to shrug off the offending arm. "What I choose to take with me to a meeting is hardly any of your business!"
"No it certainly isn't," France agreed, "But England, I know you have always been a most practical person. So clearly you need those hard drives for something, or you would not have taken them with you, right?"
"Of course I need them," England ground out, "but what I need them for is hardly your business!"
France chuckled. "I guess that means you were the one massively hogging the network with your downloading spree, huh? I wonder, England, did you get your fill today from the world's fastest internet?"
"What?" England shouted, glaring at France, "How the hell did you-you bastard!"
"What about me?" France asked, feigning innocence, "South Korea has the world's fastest internet, does he not? So I suppose it would be perfectly understandable if you were excited because of the prospects of being able to download massive amounts of-"
"Goddamnit, France! What the fuck have you been doing? I should report you for undue spying! And I'll have you know that I wasn't looking at anything at all graphic!"
"Wait, graphic?" France asked, chuckling at England's slip. "I was about to say 'massive amounts of pirated movies', but apparently dear England is up to something else, eh?"
England shot him an incensed glare, and ripped at the remains of his spam fritter.
France was about to open his mouth again, when he realized that England's demeanor had changed, and the nation was now shooting him a challenging look. "And so what if I am, France? I'm merely preparing for the future."
"Preparing for the future?" France asked, incredulous. "Ah, I see. You aren't happy about having to go back home to your subpar connection speed, is that the problem?"
"No," England snapped, annoyed. "You damn bastard, what would you know anyway! I..." England trailed off, and France just knew that England had some secret he was unwilling to reveal. A possibly highly embarrassing secret, and one that France was not about to lose to the abyss...
"You what?" he prompted.
"It's none of your damn business!" England groused, turning away.
"You know," France began, affectionately patting his own laptop, "I have quite a bit evidence of your...activities...in the meeting room today. Perhaps you'd like it if I informed South Korea of your transgressions-"
"So now you're blackmailing me?" England breathed out, incensed. Then, after a moment's consideration, he acquiesced. "Fine, France, fine! Just look at the news-my news-ahh, forget it, it's not as if I expect you to be able to find anything for yourself!" England pulled out his laptop and alt-tabbed to the appropriate browser, gesturing for France to read.
A distinctly tabloid-like blog lit the screen. And there, on the left, in blue serif font, was an article titled: 'British government wants all porn filtered out of the web'. France had to read the headline twice to be sure of its existence. Then the article...apparently England's government was asking for porn to be blocked by default, and for users to be allowed to opt in should they wish to view it.
So this was why England had gone to such an extent, this...
"Satisfied now?" England barked sharply, voice barely repressing his anger.
Under normal situations, France would've had a good laugh at England's expense. After this unfortunate turn of events, however-"I... offer my sympathies, Angleterre. I know what a horrific thing it is, when your government turns against your people, oh it is very tragic indeed!"
"You think I want your sympathies now?" England snapped back, "You would be much more sympathetic if you hadn't pushed your goddamn nosy self into my business-"
France ignored England's unhappy ranting and said, "This is a most unfortunate matter for your people, I fully understand. After all, first they come for your porn, then who knows what they'll come for? You should protest-they haven't enacted it yet, have they?"
England shook his head.
France disregarded the ominous look brewing on England's face and continued, "You are certainly very right to stock up on your collection. After all, opting in for porn would mean giving them a nice list of names, and judging by your numerous attempts at repressing your needs, it would be highly embarrassing to find your name broadcasted on such a list, right?"
England shot him a dark glare in response, which France promptly ignored. "But really, why so worried? If it comes down to it and you are too embarrassed to opt in, you can always drop by my place. Certainly I have no problems sharing my bandwidth with someone who is performing such a useful task for the world! And besides-"
"France!" England protested, clearly reaching his limit, "I told you I don't need your sympathies! If you don't have anything useful to discuss-"
"Actually," France cut in, "I do have something useful. I just remembered-America was bragging about this some months back-the fastest internet in the world, the one that will probably allow you to augment your currently limited collection in the shortest amount of time...it is in America." France grinned, waiting for England's reaction.
England gave him an unreadable look (was that hope?), lifted the remains of his spam fritters in a single swoop and promptly left the table, leaving a mildly peeved France behind. Could England have at least thanked him for the tip?
Later, a very confused America told France that England had wanted him to arrange for a week-long stay in Berkeley, California. "He said he just needed a one-room apartment," America explained, "as close to the campus as possible. I mean, I even offered him a more spacious place in the hills where he could get a nice view of the bay, but all he wanted was this one-room apartment next to campus! Kinda odd..."
France shook his head in amusement and said, "Oh, you know England. He's certainly a very odd nation. And I almost forgot-" France pulled out a short note he'd scribbled the day before from his pocket. "If you don't mind, hand this to England for me, will you?"
America nodded his agreement, and France waved him away affably.
England unfurled the note a few days later-
If all else fails, tell your people to lie back and think of England. ;)
P.S. I would appreciate it if you stopped cursing my smiley faces.
-and the first thing he did was curse France's crooked winking face.
notes
- http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/dec/19/broadband-sex-safeguard-children-vaizey and http://www.engadget.com/2010/12/20/british-government-wants-all-porn-filtered-out-of-the-web-all-f/ for various articles on the porn blocking
- Wireshark is a packet analyzer with a nice frontend, and like America, I totally have not done anything specific with it. Nope, nada!
- South Korea and Japan have the fastest average internet in the world, but specific American cities do better. These cities are all college towns (Berkeley, Stanford and Chapel Hill), and it’s only the universities themselves that have the fast connections. Hence why England needs to stay close to campus: http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2010/04/your-fastest-internet-in-the-world-is-found-in-berkeley-ca.ars
- Recently South Korea staged a very large military drill: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-12065267 and “promised immediate retalation to any further Northern attack”.