Therapy
Title: Therapy (1/?)
Author: weird_number
Genre: Humor
Ratings/Warnings: PG13
Summary: Wherein Germany and France become England's marriage counselor and sex therapist, respectively. EU shenanigans in the background.
Pairings: France/Germany/France main, UK -> US?
Also at ff.net.
Yes, this is almost a spinoff of the France/Germany in Blind Carbon Copy, although the USUK may or may not stay. It's a side pairing anyways. :)
-
Hopeless, Germany thought, England was absolutely hopeless.
This was their thirty-first session, and England had brought lukewarm chicken tikka masala as payment. Of course, England would never acknowledge it as 'payment', because he had never agreed to their counseling sessions in the first place. These had spontaneously occurred because France insisted on holding post-World Conference meetings titled "For Unity and Brotherhood vers la Manche" that involved him and France presenting to a peculiarly irritable England.
"So," France began, nudging Germany with a conspiratorial glance, "now that Angleterre has taken off to the restroom, we need a plan of action."
Germany sighed. "What sort of plan? We've already pretty much concluded that he's over-thinking his issues with America. It's up to him now to acknowledge that he's acting much rather like an overzealous drama queen."
"Certainly, he is," France agreed, "but you know England, he is much too proud to admit anything like that. We'll have to force it out of him in a different manner. You know, I was thinking..."
France was thinking. This could never be good, Germany decided, never be good.
-
England returned from the loo a few minutes later, looking disheveled and mildly annoyed.
He sat down in his usual spot by the window, gave the two self-proclaimed therapists a dubious look, and said, "I thought we were meeting up separately. I still need to discuss that military...alliance with...France." Germany thought the way he said 'alliance' and 'France' made the matter sound disgusting, and he felt rather annoyed in France's place.
"Whatever do you mean, Angleterre? If I am your sex therapist and Deutschlandis your marriage counselor,"-Germany thought he could see England visibly cringe when France said 'sex therapist'-"Well, we figured that our help would be doubly potent if we did it together."
'Doubly potent', Germany thought ruefully, made the two of them sound like a pair of Viagra pills, ready to knock down all of England's sexual frustrations at a moment's notice. (This, of course, brought some horrific slogans to the forefront of Germany's mind, which he did his best to suppress.)
"You are not my sex therapist!" England snapped, "I need no help in that department, thank you very much, and I absolutely do not need marriage counseling! I'm not even married, for god's sake!"
"Sure you aren't," France replied smoothly, "In any case, for today, we intend to present something. Think of it as a message from the Eurozone to an uninformed outsider."
"Uninformed outsider?" England grumbled, "What makes you think am I uninformed? I'll have you know that I'm informed enough such that I want absolutely nothing to do with the Eurozone. You can have your little fun bailing out Greece and-"
France coughed, feeling slightly embarrassed. The bailouts had been such a sore spot with Germany lately, and France really would've preferred not touching the subject at all. (At least, he thought ruefully, Deutschland had been open to rational discussion about his problems and wouldn't just scream and rant about how 'unjust' and 'annoying' Eurozone policies were, unlike a certain someone.)
He cast a quick glance at Germany and switched on the projector, gesturing wildly at the screen: "Look, Angleterre!"
England looked up.
And came face to face with an over-sized image of-
"What the fuck does Katy Perry have to do with the Eurozone?"
France grinned and Germany groaned.
"First of all, Angleterre, I promise she is very much related. Why don't you start off by telling me what one of her most successful singles was?"
England gawked, eyebrows furrowed, and finally snapped, "How the hell would I know?" He did, of course, know, but that didn't mean he was interested in acknowledging the fact that he possessed such juvenile taste in music. (It was most distasteful, really, and what would he do if America found out?)
"Buf of course you do!" France said cheerfully, "I seem to recall that this single climbed quite high on your charts. Let us see, what was it called again, ah, yes," France clicked to the next slide, "Hot 'n Cold, a quite lovely song for you Anglophones, don't you think?"
"I don't know what the hell you're talking about!"
"Of course you don't, I haven't even begun my explanation yet. Aren't you supposed to be a gentleman, England? Surely that does not involve interrupting others' presentations every few minutes, does it now?"
"Yours is hardly-"
"Now," France continued, raising his voice so that he could successfully speak over England's complaints, "let us analyze this song on a line-by-line basis, shall we?"
Germany pressed the left arrow for the next slide and said, with an as even voice as he could muster, "France and I have determined..." He glanced at France for moral support (because this sentence was really difficult to say), and continued, "...that we can write an entire dissertation on the hidden messages within this song. Now, this first sentence-"
France finished for him, and Germany was thankful, because only France would be capable of writing a dissertation on this thing America liked to call a 'song'. Germany would surely die of embarrassment.
"-it is clearly talking about how easily you swing from one emotional state to the next. Do you remember that time when you received some gifts from America-a supposedly happy occasion, but what did you turn it into?"
"If you're just here to dissect my faults, I don't see why I should have to listen to either of you!"
"We're not here to dissect your faults! We're here to help you fix them."
"I don't need help in fixing anything!" England protested, annoyed. "Listen, those gifts from America, it was obvious he put no thought into them-they don't even play on my DVD player! How can you expect me to not flare up at him? Especially after I'd put so much effort into-"
"England," Germany cut in, hoping to stem England's incoming rant (even if, as marriage counselors or sex therapists or what have you, they were supposed to be listening to rants, Germany was not interested in following a traditional model for therapy). "Look, England, we understand you are angry, but there are moments when you have to learn to forgive-and especially on the small things. One time, France-"
"Deutschland," France mumbled in a mixture of French and German, "Are you really going to tell that story?"
"Yes," he answered (in much the same manner), "because it will help strengthen relations vers la Manche." Then he gave France a slight grin, because this was one of the few times he'd actually gotten under France's skin. France, he thought, could be quite cute when he was feeling embarrassed, and he vowed to figure out how to do this more often. Perhaps he should ask Italy to write a book-"The Idiot's Guide to Creating Embarrassing Situations"-not that he was an idiot, mind you-but this would certainly be North Italy's area of expertise.
"So," Germany began, clearing his throat, "a while back, France told me he was attempting to recreate Bratwurst for my enjoyment. This I much appreciated, as we are all aware of the quality of France's cooking." France shot England a challenging smirk, and England glared back darkly in response. "For whatever reason," Germany continued, ignoring the the two...children by his side, "France insisted on hunting wild pigs to obtain the pork needed. And of course, he just happened to take home a radioactive pig, which he cut up and cooked."
It was at this moment that England promptly burst out in laughter.
France crossed his arms in annoyance. "Are you laughing at my expense, Angleterre? You-connard-I insist that you stop your feverish mocking this instant!"
England let out another muffled guffaw and managed to choke out, "So, France, radioactive pigs, huh? Looks like you've moved on nicely from frogs and snails. It's quite the wonder that this didn't turn out to be a diplomatic disaster-can you imagine explaining to Germany's boss how you accidentally fed her nation a radioactive pig?"
"It is not funny, Angleterre!"
Germany just patted France on the shoulder, rubbing comfortable circles along the nation's back. Hopefully France wouldn't attempt to strangle England and reignite a millennium-long rivalry. Hopefully. He cleared his throat (there was an awful lot of mucus in there today) and said, "Alright, but the point is, I forgave France for almost feeding me radioactive pig. Whatever transgressions America made, you can forgive him too."
England leaned in, shooting Germany a broad grin, and said, "Let's forget about America for a moment, shall we? I'd quite like to go back to discussing radioactive pigs and France's lovely cooking. Now, tell me again, what type of sausage was France trying to make?"
Germany groaned.
-
notes:
- The reason France says 'Deutschland' instead of 'Allemagne' is to show solidarity between the two countries. It's the same reason Germany says 'France' instead of 'Frankreich' and why the two of them speak each other's languages.
- Eurozone policies: there was a recent blowup in the Eurozone because Germany was unhappy over shouldering most of the bailouts. France did his best to convince Germany to stay with them (and he succeeded). The two of them then defended the euro together, much to the annoyance of other EU nations.
- My headcanon: France and Germany have a healthy relationship. There's no major inbalance of power (ala UK, US in various time periods) and they talk about their problems openly instead of letting it out in (passive-aggressive?) outbursts. They've also reconciled quite well despite the centuries of fighting and takeover behind them (Franco-Prussian war, WWI, WWII).
- There are indeed (an increasing number of) radioactive boars in Germany, which was residue from the Chernobyl incident.
- Speaking of Chernobyl, recent news has been utterly... D: I really hope Japan recovers soon. And Libya too. :( If I include current events, it'll all be EU-related and relatively innocuous.
Author: weird_number
Genre: Humor
Ratings/Warnings: PG13
Summary: Wherein Germany and France become England's marriage counselor and sex therapist, respectively. EU shenanigans in the background.
Pairings: France/Germany/France main, UK -> US?
Also at ff.net.
Yes, this is almost a spinoff of the France/Germany in Blind Carbon Copy, although the USUK may or may not stay. It's a side pairing anyways. :)
-
Hopeless, Germany thought, England was absolutely hopeless.
This was their thirty-first session, and England had brought lukewarm chicken tikka masala as payment. Of course, England would never acknowledge it as 'payment', because he had never agreed to their counseling sessions in the first place. These had spontaneously occurred because France insisted on holding post-World Conference meetings titled "For Unity and Brotherhood vers la Manche" that involved him and France presenting to a peculiarly irritable England.
"So," France began, nudging Germany with a conspiratorial glance, "now that Angleterre has taken off to the restroom, we need a plan of action."
Germany sighed. "What sort of plan? We've already pretty much concluded that he's over-thinking his issues with America. It's up to him now to acknowledge that he's acting much rather like an overzealous drama queen."
"Certainly, he is," France agreed, "but you know England, he is much too proud to admit anything like that. We'll have to force it out of him in a different manner. You know, I was thinking..."
France was thinking. This could never be good, Germany decided, never be good.
-
England returned from the loo a few minutes later, looking disheveled and mildly annoyed.
He sat down in his usual spot by the window, gave the two self-proclaimed therapists a dubious look, and said, "I thought we were meeting up separately. I still need to discuss that military...alliance with...France." Germany thought the way he said 'alliance' and 'France' made the matter sound disgusting, and he felt rather annoyed in France's place.
"Whatever do you mean, Angleterre? If I am your sex therapist and Deutschlandis your marriage counselor,"-Germany thought he could see England visibly cringe when France said 'sex therapist'-"Well, we figured that our help would be doubly potent if we did it together."
'Doubly potent', Germany thought ruefully, made the two of them sound like a pair of Viagra pills, ready to knock down all of England's sexual frustrations at a moment's notice. (This, of course, brought some horrific slogans to the forefront of Germany's mind, which he did his best to suppress.)
"You are not my sex therapist!" England snapped, "I need no help in that department, thank you very much, and I absolutely do not need marriage counseling! I'm not even married, for god's sake!"
"Sure you aren't," France replied smoothly, "In any case, for today, we intend to present something. Think of it as a message from the Eurozone to an uninformed outsider."
"Uninformed outsider?" England grumbled, "What makes you think am I uninformed? I'll have you know that I'm informed enough such that I want absolutely nothing to do with the Eurozone. You can have your little fun bailing out Greece and-"
France coughed, feeling slightly embarrassed. The bailouts had been such a sore spot with Germany lately, and France really would've preferred not touching the subject at all. (At least, he thought ruefully, Deutschland had been open to rational discussion about his problems and wouldn't just scream and rant about how 'unjust' and 'annoying' Eurozone policies were, unlike a certain someone.)
He cast a quick glance at Germany and switched on the projector, gesturing wildly at the screen: "Look, Angleterre!"
England looked up.
And came face to face with an over-sized image of-
"What the fuck does Katy Perry have to do with the Eurozone?"
France grinned and Germany groaned.
"First of all, Angleterre, I promise she is very much related. Why don't you start off by telling me what one of her most successful singles was?"
England gawked, eyebrows furrowed, and finally snapped, "How the hell would I know?" He did, of course, know, but that didn't mean he was interested in acknowledging the fact that he possessed such juvenile taste in music. (It was most distasteful, really, and what would he do if America found out?)
"Buf of course you do!" France said cheerfully, "I seem to recall that this single climbed quite high on your charts. Let us see, what was it called again, ah, yes," France clicked to the next slide, "Hot 'n Cold, a quite lovely song for you Anglophones, don't you think?"
"I don't know what the hell you're talking about!"
"Of course you don't, I haven't even begun my explanation yet. Aren't you supposed to be a gentleman, England? Surely that does not involve interrupting others' presentations every few minutes, does it now?"
"Yours is hardly-"
"Now," France continued, raising his voice so that he could successfully speak over England's complaints, "let us analyze this song on a line-by-line basis, shall we?"
Germany pressed the left arrow for the next slide and said, with an as even voice as he could muster, "France and I have determined..." He glanced at France for moral support (because this sentence was really difficult to say), and continued, "...that we can write an entire dissertation on the hidden messages within this song. Now, this first sentence-"
France finished for him, and Germany was thankful, because only France would be capable of writing a dissertation on this thing America liked to call a 'song'. Germany would surely die of embarrassment.
"-it is clearly talking about how easily you swing from one emotional state to the next. Do you remember that time when you received some gifts from America-a supposedly happy occasion, but what did you turn it into?"
"If you're just here to dissect my faults, I don't see why I should have to listen to either of you!"
"We're not here to dissect your faults! We're here to help you fix them."
"I don't need help in fixing anything!" England protested, annoyed. "Listen, those gifts from America, it was obvious he put no thought into them-they don't even play on my DVD player! How can you expect me to not flare up at him? Especially after I'd put so much effort into-"
"England," Germany cut in, hoping to stem England's incoming rant (even if, as marriage counselors or sex therapists or what have you, they were supposed to be listening to rants, Germany was not interested in following a traditional model for therapy). "Look, England, we understand you are angry, but there are moments when you have to learn to forgive-and especially on the small things. One time, France-"
"Deutschland," France mumbled in a mixture of French and German, "Are you really going to tell that story?"
"Yes," he answered (in much the same manner), "because it will help strengthen relations vers la Manche." Then he gave France a slight grin, because this was one of the few times he'd actually gotten under France's skin. France, he thought, could be quite cute when he was feeling embarrassed, and he vowed to figure out how to do this more often. Perhaps he should ask Italy to write a book-"The Idiot's Guide to Creating Embarrassing Situations"-not that he was an idiot, mind you-but this would certainly be North Italy's area of expertise.
"So," Germany began, clearing his throat, "a while back, France told me he was attempting to recreate Bratwurst for my enjoyment. This I much appreciated, as we are all aware of the quality of France's cooking." France shot England a challenging smirk, and England glared back darkly in response. "For whatever reason," Germany continued, ignoring the the two...children by his side, "France insisted on hunting wild pigs to obtain the pork needed. And of course, he just happened to take home a radioactive pig, which he cut up and cooked."
It was at this moment that England promptly burst out in laughter.
France crossed his arms in annoyance. "Are you laughing at my expense, Angleterre? You-connard-I insist that you stop your feverish mocking this instant!"
England let out another muffled guffaw and managed to choke out, "So, France, radioactive pigs, huh? Looks like you've moved on nicely from frogs and snails. It's quite the wonder that this didn't turn out to be a diplomatic disaster-can you imagine explaining to Germany's boss how you accidentally fed her nation a radioactive pig?"
"It is not funny, Angleterre!"
Germany just patted France on the shoulder, rubbing comfortable circles along the nation's back. Hopefully France wouldn't attempt to strangle England and reignite a millennium-long rivalry. Hopefully. He cleared his throat (there was an awful lot of mucus in there today) and said, "Alright, but the point is, I forgave France for almost feeding me radioactive pig. Whatever transgressions America made, you can forgive him too."
England leaned in, shooting Germany a broad grin, and said, "Let's forget about America for a moment, shall we? I'd quite like to go back to discussing radioactive pigs and France's lovely cooking. Now, tell me again, what type of sausage was France trying to make?"
Germany groaned.
-
notes:
- The reason France says 'Deutschland' instead of 'Allemagne' is to show solidarity between the two countries. It's the same reason Germany says 'France' instead of 'Frankreich' and why the two of them speak each other's languages.
- Eurozone policies: there was a recent blowup in the Eurozone because Germany was unhappy over shouldering most of the bailouts. France did his best to convince Germany to stay with them (and he succeeded). The two of them then defended the euro together, much to the annoyance of other EU nations.
- My headcanon: France and Germany have a healthy relationship. There's no major inbalance of power (ala UK, US in various time periods) and they talk about their problems openly instead of letting it out in (passive-aggressive?) outbursts. They've also reconciled quite well despite the centuries of fighting and takeover behind them (Franco-Prussian war, WWI, WWII).
- There are indeed (an increasing number of) radioactive boars in Germany, which was residue from the Chernobyl incident.
- Speaking of Chernobyl, recent news has been utterly... D: I really hope Japan recovers soon. And Libya too. :( If I include current events, it'll all be EU-related and relatively innocuous.