(no subject)
I thought love was fake, unreal, and I had simply fallen out of the concept completely. I couldn't figure out how it works or why it works and who you pick and how you know. I didn't want to be apart of it. I couldn't understand people or mankind, I was apart of it the whole, but it broke apart for me and different parts or groups emerged in which I couldn't be apart of. I couldn't understand. I don't think I could and as much as I wanted to understand people I couldn't because I kept getting lost in trying to find the answer. The answer to why people do things and how do you love? I dissattached myself from everyone, people, and tried to not feel love or fall out it. Not care for others because what was it to me, I'd get hurt in the end. And besides do people ever really care about someone else. maybe everyone just uses everyone else for their own personal sick needs. and i thought about leaving soon and didn't want to feel that feeling of attachment because I knew the feeling of dissattachment would be worse in the end.
Friday I was waiting for some people so I could play taxi. I wondered off into the halls of my high school. my second home. the place i detest waking up to every morning and when im not there feel kind of out of place. sick and strange and twisted all in its own sick way. i sat alone in the senior hall. The place i still to this day hate sitting in because i can still hear the voices of the alumni past and still see them laughing and dancing there. Together. united. carrying on about life, about being the eldes tin the school. and now we take their place and it still doesn't feel right. i sat there. came to copes with it. i sat where my friends sit and saw liz indian style working on physics smiling and drinking her coffee, calm and collected as always. I saw karen laughing and goofying around with her beautiful clothes and bouncy curls. I saw perla studying being beautiful in her own way intellegent and strong. and I saw others that i grew up with and who now are like my family. i sat there in their spot and looked outside at the cloudy sky. it must have known how i felt but not quiet because it didn't thunderstorm. i prayed for it not to. i might have broken down too. i sat there and thought how i wanted to sit there when i was younger and wondered how the seniors had so much strenght and when i would be like them. now i am and i sat there and just dazzed off. it killed me. the smile faded and i thought i had used up my last smile....i asked the girls at lunch one time do you think we'll ever see each other again after we graduate. one said i'm going to stay here, another said i'm going to the east cost, i'm going to the west coast, and i'm staying central. we got the us covered. that didn't answer my question. then liz said well propably not, we'll still keep in contact maybe even get web cams and see each over christmas break but besides that probalby not. we then thought about studying abroad and how we could plan going together at the right time and dreamed off. but i know that's all it is...a dream. maybe i'll see them again, and maybe i won't. but ill always have a good memory of them b/c they've become the friends i thought didn't exist. the kind you laugh and cry with. sisters..and my brothers, my loves, the boys that make me smile on even the worst of days ricky and mishally...i sat there. thinking about all this. the tears didn't come. thank God. I didn't want them to. I wanted to leave, go running out, but i sat there in a little ball. small. unsure. weak. then i thought of my friends who did leave. i saw them again. because those people that you meet along the way help build you somehow. they affect each of us to build us. so we really do use each other but only to better ourselves and bring out the best in us. the need to leave was only an escape to not have to face those goodbyes because i had found why saying goodbye was so hard. saying goodbye ever was so hard. even if it was for a second. because saying goodbye meant not being there physically. not hearing their voice, or their laughter, or seeing their eyes, and character. but when you stop thinking about it as goodbye and more as a memory then it's okay.but when you truly love or care for someone someone you don't need those things because you just remeber and feel their presence, hear their voice, and know their with you somehow creeping in the depths of your heart, cheering you on, laughing with you, and being apart of that inner voice. you'll survive and life will continue on after high school. Things change but you can't stop it. these are beautiful people. and im apart of that. and that's a miracle in itself. it's a blessing. not a heartache. getting to know everyone whether i got to know them on an intense level or as an associate i learned about them. i learned how to love and respect them. and the harder it is to say goodbye just means all that much more you love them. so don't turn away as i have been. because im not the same. you only hurt yourself and them. and that's why when you say hello and goodbye with a hug mean it. and when you say i love you feel it. because you don't know the next time you'll see them, but no matter what you'll have that memory to hold on to. i learned the way you cope is to make a memory stick it in your pocket, cherishing it, and keeping it for later, for a comfort. til next time that was get to say goodbye. let's instead say see ya later not goodbye. just know wherever you are and whoever you meet you'll cross paths again and they've already affected you more than you know. you've essentially given a little part of yourself to them and them you. beauty.
In regards to love. I saw an old couple running together. She had her hair pinned, he had strong legs. She kept putting along. He could have sprinted. He'd just slow it on down to let her catch up. They didn't touch each other. They supported each other and cheered each other on. Without ever saying a word. They were there for each other. They supported each other. They were in love. So maybe I don't know what love is. The exact definiton anyways, but I'm starting to belive that's not such a bad thing. Things don't always have answers and I think sometimes you just have to have faith and belive that things work out. And that answers will find you and not the other way around. I found love in my friends and family. I found what I had been looking for all along. It hurts so much but it's a good kind of hurt that you can help and make a memory of. Cherish it til next time. And when you look towards the sunshine starlight know that i'll be there and i'll think of you....morning sunshine. goodnight sunset.