FIC: Deep Into That Darkness Peering (PG) for andmydog
Author: athena8
Recipient: andmydog
Title: Deep Into That Darkness Peering
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairing(s): Ken, OC
Summary: Based on the prompt, “Ken knows he's going mad. He just doesn't care.”
Warnings/Content: Psychosis, mentions of murder
Word Count: ~3,800
Author's Notes: The title comes from Edgar Allen Poe’s poem “The Raven.” The story is loosely based on the drama CD “Sleepless Night.” This fic isn’t written in a very conventional manner, but I hope it’s enjoyable and gets its point across! Thanks for reading. Special thanks to my best friend M.L. for her beta.
Deep Into that Darkness Peering
”First, do no harm.”
So they told us on the first day of medical school, and I have tried to live up to that precept ever since. And yet, as I look back upon my days in practice, I wonder. Where did that high philosophy go when I was facing down the nights of endless puzzlement, the strange and twisted paths I took through the underworld of Persia’s making? My onetime savior and subsequent boss, he had a vision that couldn’t help but fascinate. His mission was most singular. I for one, felt taken in by that charisma, the sure and deft hand with which he could change the very landscape of our nation. I had wanted to be a part of that mission, in any way I could.
Still, somewhere along the way, I began to question. Was there such a thing as going too far? The collateral damage was so obvious to me, and yet held little consequence to him. To any of them apparently, though my own connection to that organization was quite insular. From what I understand, this was by design. No one part could know too much of another. If I think about it, terrorist cells work in similar fashion. Perhaps every shadow syndicate shares the need for secrecy and deceit. My domain was of a particular kind, the deception of self.
No other patient of mine exemplified this concept better than the young man I was charged to ‘treat’ that summer in Kyoto. He must’ve been a charming and likeable youth in happier times, which was evident even in the damaged state I’d found him in by the time he crossed my threshold. Back then, I naively thought I could do this man some good.
I tried in good faith, but to little avail. I was expected to fail, at least when measuring success by my own ideals. In the end, my sessions had taken on a farcical tone. I felt as though I were a character in Alice in Wonderland, speaking riddles and nonsense, creating meanings for words at my whim. And for what? Persia's vision? The promise of a new world? How empty those words feel when looking upon the evils of your own creation.
Perhaps we have destroyed the very things we were trying to save.
Only time will tell.
Patient: "K.H."
Session #2
Partial transcript:
Dr.: How are you feeling today, [KH]?
KH: ...what kind of question is that?
Dr.: I was going to say a simple one, but I suppose that wouldn't be entirely accurate.
KH: It's never really simple with us, is it?
Dr.: And by 'us' you mean - your team?
KH: What else would I mean?
Dr.: Of course.
KH: Look, I know this is your job and all, and you've gotta ask me these questions. But why don't we just cut to the chase, okay? It's not like l'm stupid or anything. Just diagnose me with something, gimme whatever drugs you think I need, and we can all go our ways. It's a nice day out. We don't have to be in here.
Dr.: What would you rather be doing?
KH: I dunno, what kinda hobbies should an assassin have, right? [laughs awkwardly]
Dr.: I understand you used to play soccer.
KH: … sometimes.
Dr.: You used to coach some of the kids in the neighborhood.
KH: That was a long time ago.
Dr.: Not really. Does it seem that way to you?
KH: It's hard to say. It's kind of a blur.
Dr.: Your memories are?
KH: The Kitten House … the soccer. The kids. I haven't thought about them in a while.
Dr.: What's been on your mind?
KH: Not much. I guess I haven't been able to focus on any one thing.
Dr.: Are you feeling distracted all the time?
KH: Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Distracted. Like the other day, this lady put in an order for three dahlias and I had to ask her to repeat the order twice. Something that simple, and I forgot what she said the moment she said it. I thought [redacted] was going to kill me, haha. He says I've been really absentminded lately.
Dr.: He's worried about you.
KH: He worries too much.
Dr.: Meaning?
KH: Meaning nothing. I'm fine.
Dr.: Your missions have been going smoothly.
KH: More or less. [snorts]
Dr.: I see no external injuries.
KH: Nope. It's not your outsides that get fucked up.
Dr.: … I see.
KH: Are you sure you wanna know all about it?
Dr.: I'm here to help you, [KH]. I'd like to know whatever is on your mind.
KH: Help. Heh. Well, have you ever had a patient you couldn't help?
Dr.: … occasionally. But I try my best.
KH: I dunno. It's like I can't stop thinking about it. [[ notes: contradicts earlier statement or is he pretending to be unaware? ]]
Dr.: The mission?
KH: The mission. The targets. The kill. Their faces don't even matter much anymore. They all begin to look the same. The last guy we did...I could've sworn we'd done him last month, you know? Haha... But hey, maybe these corporate dirtbags all begin to warp in the same way, after they've messed around in muck and politics for long enough. It's a cesspool out there. And most of the world, they have no idea...
Dr.: No idea?
KH: What's going on. Who's screwing who. How the world goes round and round, and someone's always behind the scenes, pulling the strings. There are always winners and losers.
Dr.: And what's your role in all of this?
KH: I take out the trash.
-- /// --
Patient: "K.H."
Session #3
Partial transcript:
Dr.: So in the last session, we left off with-
KH: Hey, aren't you gonna ask me how I'm feeling today?
Dr.: Oh. Sure, okay.
KH: Cuz you know, you probably wanna get through the niceties first.
Dr.: I apologize. How are you feeling?
KH: Hehe. Not tryin' to give you a hard time or anything. I'm all right, I guess. Not too different.
Dr.: From our last session?
KH: Yeah. It feels like I was just in here.
Dr.: I think it would be helpful, to meet regularly. This is a safe space.
KH: Safe space … not a lot of those left anymore.
Dr.: In this city?
KH: Anywhere.
Dr.: Do you feel like you're in danger?
KH: I don't mean it like that. I guess more like, bad shit can happen to anyone, anywhere. Maybe you deserve it, or maybe you don't. Fact is, it's gonna happen to you, eventually. [[ notes: possible paranoia? monitor for further signs ]]
Dr.: Hm. And how well prepared do you think you are for this perceived - inevitability?
KH: You think I'm paranoid, don't you?
Dr.: Er.
KH: [laughs] It's okay, you're not the one sitting in the patient chair, here.
Dr.: [awkward chuckle] Quite.
KH: Honestly, I don't think I'm paranoid. Open the newspaper and you'll see what I mean. I read that a 7-year-old girl was kidnapped from outside her school the other day. In broad daylight, even. There wasn't even a ransom demand. Who knows what sick bastard has her now? And that's just the stuff that's deemed worthy of reporting. People disappear every day and no one's around to notice. Maybe we've all been desensitized to this sort of thing now.
Dr.: Are you?
KH: Yeah. No. Maybe, I dunno.
Dr.: What did you think when you read the story about the little girl?
KH: I was mad. I was mad, but -
Dr.: Well, that's a reasonable reaction.
KH: - but you know what else? I was waiting for that call. I was hoping that in a day or two, we'd get a summons and be told to mount up, and track the perp down and do our thing.
Dr.: You wanted to save her.
KH: … [sighs] I just wanted to kill a son-of-a-bitch.
-- /// --
Patient: "K.H."
Session #4
Partial transcript:
Dr.: How are you feeling today, [KH]? [chuckles]
KH: Good, good. [laughs]
Dr.: I'm glad to hear it.
KH: And you?
Dr.: Ah. I'm doing well, thank you. Somewhat stuffy. But no worries, it's allergies. Nothing contagious.
KH: Haha. That's all right. I never get sick anyway.
Dr.: That's good to hear. You've been in good health?
KH: Pretty much.
Dr.: You seem in good spirits today.
KH: Heh.
Dr.: Did you have a good week?
KH: Well. Let's just say I met someone.
Dr.: A woman?
KH: Uh.
Dr.: It's fine, you don't need to give me any details.
KH: But you'll ask for them anyway.
Dr.: [chuckles] Well, why don't you just tell me a little about her?
KH: She was … in trouble. I helped her out, and we've been talking on and off since then.
Dr.: I'm sure she was very grateful.
KH: I'm not sure. In a way, I think she wanted to be in trouble.
Dr.: Why would you say that?
KH: She just has that look, you know? In her eyes. Something dark, and secret. She says she's seen terrible things. She feels responsible. Maybe she's punishing herself. ...heh. And here I am, psychoanalyzing her, and you're the doc.
Dr.: Well, it's good that you're thinking in this way. Do you think she's responsible?
KH: Who knows. We don't really talk about specifics.
Dr.: I imagine not.
KH: Whatever it is … it's something bad. All I could think was … I feel that, right? I've seen things. I've done things, too. And maybe it was because it had to be done, but nowadays … it's almost like I wanted it to happen.
Dr.: The bad things?
KH: I dunno. Something. I just want something to happen.
Dr.: You're still having problems concentrating?
KH: A little.
Dr.: Have you thought about keeping a journal?
KH: What? No. Why would I?
Dr.: Some people find it useful, to keep track of how they're doing, what they’re feeling. I think you could benefit from it.
KH: Are you going to read it?
Dr.: Not unless you want me to.
KH: Hm.
Dr.: That can be a safe space, too. Maybe even safer than here, because it's for your eyes only. Try to be honest with yourself.
KH: That's what I'm afraid of.
-- /// --
Entry #1
Never kept one of these before. Doc says it might be useful, whatever that means. It almost feels like a homework assignment … not that he's gonna check it or anything.
… maybe he will.
It's been weeks since the last mission. It's seriously making me a little antsy. Aya is worried, but fuck that. Some of us don't have the luxury to worry about other folks.
My hands shake. I get headaches, too. Maybe it’s related to the concentration thing. Or lack of it. Guess I should tell doc about it, but then …
"What do YOU think it is?" he'll probably ask.
Gee, Doc, I was hoping you'd tell me!
Between the two of us, I thought you’d be the one to know better. And while you're at it, gimme a few pills to stop the shaking, so I can do my damn job.
Job, right.
When did it start becoming my job?
Patient: "K.H."
Session #5
Partial transcript:
-- /// --
Dr.: So how are things going with the young woman?
KH: You mean [redacted]?
Dr.: Is that what her name is?
KH: That's what she calls herself. Guess I forgot to mention last time. It's all right, I think. We still meet up.
Dr.: What do you talk about?
KH: Nothing … specific, if that’s what you’re thinking.
Dr.: Not at all.
KH: You do work for Persia.
Dr.: Well, yes. But I’m also a doctor, and you’re my patient. My first obligation is to you.
KH: What’s it like?
Dr.: Excuse me?
KH: You know, listening to me, people like me.
Dr.: You mean …
KH: Killers, murderers. Bad people. Do you help them feel better about themselves? Justify what they’re doing? Or is it more about getting them to a stable place so they can keep doing what they do efficiently?
Dr.: Well …
KH: Sorry, that was a weird question.
Dr.: Not necessarily. Do you consider yourself a bad person?
KH: [sharp laughter] I’m definitely not a good person, at least. [sighs] I dunno. I used to think it was something good I was doing, you know? There are people in the world that are despicable, barely human. They don’t deserve to be walking around, living comfortable lives. It’s not right.
Dr.: Are you saying that’s not what you believe anymore?
KH: I don’t really know what I believe anymore.
Dr.: This woman you’ve been seeing, [redacted]. Is she giving you a new perspective on things?
KH: Not really. More like, she’s me. I’m seeing myself.
Dr.: How so?
KH: She’s made a lot of choices in her life. Some of them not so smart. But none of them can be taken back. And she’s gotta live with that.
Dr.: Like you?
KH: Pretty much.
Dr.: How is your journal coming along?
KH: I started. That’s about it. It feels weird.
Dr.: It can be a little uncomfortable at first. That’s normal.
KH: Heh. At least something’s normal about me.
-- /// --
Entry #2
“It’s normal.”
Wow, how long has it been since I’ve heard that? Sometimes I think he’s only telling me what he thinks I wanna hear. But I know the truth. Nothing’s been normal about me since the first time I
[rest of the page deliberately left blank]
Mission orders came down last night. It’s about time.
Hand still shakes, but it’s not so bad anymore. I think once I’m out there, the adrenalin will carry me through the rest. It usually does.
But seriously, what’s up with this? It can’t be fear. That’s impossible. Not after all this time. I haven’t been scared in a long time. Probably
I just know I can’t let the others see. If they bench me … I dunno what I might do.
Patient: "K.H."
Session #6
Partial transcript:
Dr.: Are you all right? You look a little pale today.
KH: Do I? Uh. I haven’t really been sleeping.
Dr.: Is something bothering you?
KH: [laughs nervously] You’re funny, doc.
Dr.: How do you mean?
KH: You make it sound like nothing should be bothering me. You should be worried if it was the other way around.
Dr.: You’re probably right.
KH: You don’t always have to agree with me.
Dr.: I know. Tell me about this sleeplessness. How long has it been going on?
KH: Can’t say I’ve slept soundly in a long while, but it’s getting worse.
Dr.: Are you having bad dreams?
KH: You have to be sleeping to have dreams.
Dr.: True.
KH: It’s that distraction thing. I feel like I should be doing something. Every minute of every day. I feel …
Dr.: Restless?
KH: Yeah, restless.
Dr.: What do you do when you can’t sleep?
KH: I walk around. The city doesn’t sleep either, so why should I, right? People stumbling from bar to bar every night. I’m not much of a bar guy, though.
Dr.: How are things on the - work front?
KH: … better.
Dr.: In what way?
KH: In that we have a mission.
Dr.: I see. How do you feel about that?
KH: [snorts] How should I feel?
Dr.: Are you prepared for it?
KH: You mean will I fuck it up? I don’t think so.
Dr.: [sighs] That’s not what I meant.
KH: Sorry.
Dr.: Not a problem. Why don’t you tell me about your work?
KH: [laughs] Um. I get told who to do. And then I do ‘em. That’s it. One or two jabs, that’s all it takes. Sometimes there’s resistance.
Dr.: Jabs. Have you always used the same weapon?
KH: Yeah.
Dr.: What made you choose that one?
KH: I’m good at it, I dunno.
Dr.: Have you ever thought about using something else? Something with more reach, for example.
KH: What, like a gun? Heh. I think … there’s too much distance. It’s not my style.
Dr.: What is your style?
KH: …I have to be sure.
Dr.: Sure…?
KH: Yeah. That I did it. I gotta be sure.
-- /// --
Entry #3
might’ve said too much. he’s probably reporting every word of it to persia. stupid
honestly, i’m not sure what these questions are trying to get at. guns, swords, bagh nakh … it’s all the same. they do the job, that’s it. who cares how you do it as long you finish the mission?
mission went off without a hitch. target acquired at the alley between first and matsushima like planned. he was unarmed. useless. i had him in a minute. could’ve kept up a little more fight. bled like a stuck pig though. need new boots. omi says i’m getting sloppy in the cleanup.
nobody’s perfect.
Patient: "K.H."
Session #7
Doctor’s notes:
Patient “K.H.” was a no-show for today’s session. Poor health was cited as the reason for absence, but suspect this is a fabrication. KH has been exhibiting elevated amounts of anxiety and lack of coping mechanisms. He is struggling to dissociate himself from his work, but is paradoxically drawn to it as well. Shows signs similar to addiction - withdrawal, restlessness, fatigue, lack of outside interests, and constant need for unnamed ‘something.’ This ‘something’ that he seeks, he knows what it is but refuses to acknowledge it. Projects himself onto another individual, who is possibly self-harming or self-destructive. Patient on the verge of being a danger to self or others.
Recommend temporary psych hold, two weeks.
Memo via Persia
To: Dr. Hayato Tachibana
Re: Patient “K.H.”
Message received. Recommendation under advisement. Continue sessions as directed. Keep us appraised.
Patient: "K.H."
Session #7
Partial transcript:
Dr.: I’m glad to see you are better.
KH: Huh?
Dr.: You’ve recovered from your illness, I take it?
KH: Oh, that. Hah. Well … actually it was more like a mental block.
Dr.: I understand.
KH: Do you?
Dr.: It’s been a difficult time for you. I understand you’re coming off a recent mission?
KH: … yeah.
Dr.: Would you like to talk about it?
KH: It was fine. We went in, we did them, we got out.
Dr.: What did you do afterward?
KH: … why?
Dr.: I think it might be important.
KH: I washed my boots.
Dr.: Your boots?
KH: Yeah. But it was no use. I had to throw them away.
Dr.: Do you find yourself thinking about the mission much, afterward?
KH: Sometimes.
Dr.: Which part?
KH: … the smell. The heartbeat.
Dr.: The …?
KH: In my head, I mean. I hear it in my head.
Dr.: Your heartbeat?
KH: …
Dr.: Have you ever thought about taking a break from missions for a while?
KH: Why? Is that what you’re telling Persia?
Dr.: Er … no. It’s just a suggestion.
KH: It’s not like we’re getting missions all the time anymore these days. I think I can handle it.
Dr.: I don’t know if the frequency of the missions have as much bearing, here.
KH: Then what does?
Dr.: I’m concerned about your state of mind.
KH: [laughs] Don’t worry, doc. Tell Persia I might be a little distracted sometimes, but my aim is just fine.
Dr.: I see.
KH: To tell you the truth, the only time that I can focus is out there. In the field.
Dr.: Have you ever thought about what you would do afterward?
KH: After the mission?
Dr.: I mean after everything. When it’s time to walk away for good.
KH: I wouldn’t … I don’t know.
Dr.: Maybe it’s something you ought to consider. Not that I’m suggesting anything immediately. Just a thought.
KH: … yeah.
-- /// --
Entry #4
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
im getting benched i know it
he had that look in his eye like aya he knows
he fucking knows and hes gonna tell persia and shit its fucking over what the hell am i supposed to do now
this goddamn h and it wo nts top shaki ng
shouldve known better than to trust a head doctor they make you say things you dont want to force you to admit and then screw you over
he works for him i shouldve known damnit damnit
youre reading this arent you youre reading this
keep a journal
its useful
useful for shit
be honest with yourself
will only read if you want me to
well doc here i am and whats the diagnosis
just tell me what
i already know
Patient: “K.H.”
Emergency session
via telephone
KH: Hey, doc.
Dr.: Yes, hello. I am so glad you called. How are you feeling?
KH: I’m okay, thanks.
Dr.: Listen. I’d like for you come in. You missed our last session again. I can’t stress to you enough how important it is for you to attend. We were making some great progress.
KH: It’s not happening.
Dr.: What’s not?
KH: These sessions, talking to me, keeping me on this side of reason. It’s not gonna work, doc.
Dr.: Why do you think so?
KH: Because. There are some things you can’t fix. I’m not normal. I don’t think I ever will be.
Dr.: Then maybe we need to talk about what ‘normal’ means to you.
KH: What, you mean making up a meaning?
Dr.: Not exactly. Just readjusting your perspective. Your normal doesn’t have to be the same as someone else’s. If you find your own equilibrium, a way to keep your feelings in balance, then that’s your own sense of normality.
KH: … okay.
Dr.: Will you come in tomorrow?
KH: Maybe. I have a mission tonight.
Dr.: [inaudible sigh] I see.
KH: [soft snort] I’m sorry.
Dr.: About?
KH: Ditching. I just thought, you know, you were against me.
Dr.: Not at all. Your well-being is my main concern. Do you believe me now?
KH: I do. Thanks.
Dr.: Good luck.
Entry #5
Saw her last night for the last time. We met by the river. I shoved my bagh nakh into her stomach. She smiled at me, and I could hear her heartbeat in my head. Like a slow dub dub, I could feel it flowing down through my head all the way to my arm. It felt so warm. My hands don’t shake anymore.
It’s funny how it goes. I’m sure doc gave me the red light. I wouldn’t have been out there, if he had his say so. He was right - he was looking out for me. In the end though, it really doesn’t matter. I realize now that it’s not doc I should’ve been worried about, but Persia.
I’ll play along then, if you want me to. It’s the only thing I know how to do. The only way I know how to be. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
Point me where you will.
Let’s see how far the rabbit hole goes.
Recipient: andmydog
Title: Deep Into That Darkness Peering
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairing(s): Ken, OC
Summary: Based on the prompt, “Ken knows he's going mad. He just doesn't care.”
Warnings/Content: Psychosis, mentions of murder
Word Count: ~3,800
Author's Notes: The title comes from Edgar Allen Poe’s poem “The Raven.” The story is loosely based on the drama CD “Sleepless Night.” This fic isn’t written in a very conventional manner, but I hope it’s enjoyable and gets its point across! Thanks for reading. Special thanks to my best friend M.L. for her beta.
Deep Into that Darkness Peering
”First, do no harm.”
So they told us on the first day of medical school, and I have tried to live up to that precept ever since. And yet, as I look back upon my days in practice, I wonder. Where did that high philosophy go when I was facing down the nights of endless puzzlement, the strange and twisted paths I took through the underworld of Persia’s making? My onetime savior and subsequent boss, he had a vision that couldn’t help but fascinate. His mission was most singular. I for one, felt taken in by that charisma, the sure and deft hand with which he could change the very landscape of our nation. I had wanted to be a part of that mission, in any way I could.
Still, somewhere along the way, I began to question. Was there such a thing as going too far? The collateral damage was so obvious to me, and yet held little consequence to him. To any of them apparently, though my own connection to that organization was quite insular. From what I understand, this was by design. No one part could know too much of another. If I think about it, terrorist cells work in similar fashion. Perhaps every shadow syndicate shares the need for secrecy and deceit. My domain was of a particular kind, the deception of self.
No other patient of mine exemplified this concept better than the young man I was charged to ‘treat’ that summer in Kyoto. He must’ve been a charming and likeable youth in happier times, which was evident even in the damaged state I’d found him in by the time he crossed my threshold. Back then, I naively thought I could do this man some good.
I tried in good faith, but to little avail. I was expected to fail, at least when measuring success by my own ideals. In the end, my sessions had taken on a farcical tone. I felt as though I were a character in Alice in Wonderland, speaking riddles and nonsense, creating meanings for words at my whim. And for what? Persia's vision? The promise of a new world? How empty those words feel when looking upon the evils of your own creation.
Perhaps we have destroyed the very things we were trying to save.
Only time will tell.
Patient: "K.H."
Session #2
Partial transcript:
Dr.: How are you feeling today, [KH]?
KH: ...what kind of question is that?
Dr.: I was going to say a simple one, but I suppose that wouldn't be entirely accurate.
KH: It's never really simple with us, is it?
Dr.: And by 'us' you mean - your team?
KH: What else would I mean?
Dr.: Of course.
KH: Look, I know this is your job and all, and you've gotta ask me these questions. But why don't we just cut to the chase, okay? It's not like l'm stupid or anything. Just diagnose me with something, gimme whatever drugs you think I need, and we can all go our ways. It's a nice day out. We don't have to be in here.
Dr.: What would you rather be doing?
KH: I dunno, what kinda hobbies should an assassin have, right? [laughs awkwardly]
Dr.: I understand you used to play soccer.
KH: … sometimes.
Dr.: You used to coach some of the kids in the neighborhood.
KH: That was a long time ago.
Dr.: Not really. Does it seem that way to you?
KH: It's hard to say. It's kind of a blur.
Dr.: Your memories are?
KH: The Kitten House … the soccer. The kids. I haven't thought about them in a while.
Dr.: What's been on your mind?
KH: Not much. I guess I haven't been able to focus on any one thing.
Dr.: Are you feeling distracted all the time?
KH: Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Distracted. Like the other day, this lady put in an order for three dahlias and I had to ask her to repeat the order twice. Something that simple, and I forgot what she said the moment she said it. I thought [redacted] was going to kill me, haha. He says I've been really absentminded lately.
Dr.: He's worried about you.
KH: He worries too much.
Dr.: Meaning?
KH: Meaning nothing. I'm fine.
Dr.: Your missions have been going smoothly.
KH: More or less. [snorts]
Dr.: I see no external injuries.
KH: Nope. It's not your outsides that get fucked up.
Dr.: … I see.
KH: Are you sure you wanna know all about it?
Dr.: I'm here to help you, [KH]. I'd like to know whatever is on your mind.
KH: Help. Heh. Well, have you ever had a patient you couldn't help?
Dr.: … occasionally. But I try my best.
KH: I dunno. It's like I can't stop thinking about it. [[ notes: contradicts earlier statement or is he pretending to be unaware? ]]
Dr.: The mission?
KH: The mission. The targets. The kill. Their faces don't even matter much anymore. They all begin to look the same. The last guy we did...I could've sworn we'd done him last month, you know? Haha... But hey, maybe these corporate dirtbags all begin to warp in the same way, after they've messed around in muck and politics for long enough. It's a cesspool out there. And most of the world, they have no idea...
Dr.: No idea?
KH: What's going on. Who's screwing who. How the world goes round and round, and someone's always behind the scenes, pulling the strings. There are always winners and losers.
Dr.: And what's your role in all of this?
KH: I take out the trash.
-- /// --
Patient: "K.H."
Session #3
Partial transcript:
Dr.: So in the last session, we left off with-
KH: Hey, aren't you gonna ask me how I'm feeling today?
Dr.: Oh. Sure, okay.
KH: Cuz you know, you probably wanna get through the niceties first.
Dr.: I apologize. How are you feeling?
KH: Hehe. Not tryin' to give you a hard time or anything. I'm all right, I guess. Not too different.
Dr.: From our last session?
KH: Yeah. It feels like I was just in here.
Dr.: I think it would be helpful, to meet regularly. This is a safe space.
KH: Safe space … not a lot of those left anymore.
Dr.: In this city?
KH: Anywhere.
Dr.: Do you feel like you're in danger?
KH: I don't mean it like that. I guess more like, bad shit can happen to anyone, anywhere. Maybe you deserve it, or maybe you don't. Fact is, it's gonna happen to you, eventually. [[ notes: possible paranoia? monitor for further signs ]]
Dr.: Hm. And how well prepared do you think you are for this perceived - inevitability?
KH: You think I'm paranoid, don't you?
Dr.: Er.
KH: [laughs] It's okay, you're not the one sitting in the patient chair, here.
Dr.: [awkward chuckle] Quite.
KH: Honestly, I don't think I'm paranoid. Open the newspaper and you'll see what I mean. I read that a 7-year-old girl was kidnapped from outside her school the other day. In broad daylight, even. There wasn't even a ransom demand. Who knows what sick bastard has her now? And that's just the stuff that's deemed worthy of reporting. People disappear every day and no one's around to notice. Maybe we've all been desensitized to this sort of thing now.
Dr.: Are you?
KH: Yeah. No. Maybe, I dunno.
Dr.: What did you think when you read the story about the little girl?
KH: I was mad. I was mad, but -
Dr.: Well, that's a reasonable reaction.
KH: - but you know what else? I was waiting for that call. I was hoping that in a day or two, we'd get a summons and be told to mount up, and track the perp down and do our thing.
Dr.: You wanted to save her.
KH: … [sighs] I just wanted to kill a son-of-a-bitch.
-- /// --
Patient: "K.H."
Session #4
Partial transcript:
Dr.: How are you feeling today, [KH]? [chuckles]
KH: Good, good. [laughs]
Dr.: I'm glad to hear it.
KH: And you?
Dr.: Ah. I'm doing well, thank you. Somewhat stuffy. But no worries, it's allergies. Nothing contagious.
KH: Haha. That's all right. I never get sick anyway.
Dr.: That's good to hear. You've been in good health?
KH: Pretty much.
Dr.: You seem in good spirits today.
KH: Heh.
Dr.: Did you have a good week?
KH: Well. Let's just say I met someone.
Dr.: A woman?
KH: Uh.
Dr.: It's fine, you don't need to give me any details.
KH: But you'll ask for them anyway.
Dr.: [chuckles] Well, why don't you just tell me a little about her?
KH: She was … in trouble. I helped her out, and we've been talking on and off since then.
Dr.: I'm sure she was very grateful.
KH: I'm not sure. In a way, I think she wanted to be in trouble.
Dr.: Why would you say that?
KH: She just has that look, you know? In her eyes. Something dark, and secret. She says she's seen terrible things. She feels responsible. Maybe she's punishing herself. ...heh. And here I am, psychoanalyzing her, and you're the doc.
Dr.: Well, it's good that you're thinking in this way. Do you think she's responsible?
KH: Who knows. We don't really talk about specifics.
Dr.: I imagine not.
KH: Whatever it is … it's something bad. All I could think was … I feel that, right? I've seen things. I've done things, too. And maybe it was because it had to be done, but nowadays … it's almost like I wanted it to happen.
Dr.: The bad things?
KH: I dunno. Something. I just want something to happen.
Dr.: You're still having problems concentrating?
KH: A little.
Dr.: Have you thought about keeping a journal?
KH: What? No. Why would I?
Dr.: Some people find it useful, to keep track of how they're doing, what they’re feeling. I think you could benefit from it.
KH: Are you going to read it?
Dr.: Not unless you want me to.
KH: Hm.
Dr.: That can be a safe space, too. Maybe even safer than here, because it's for your eyes only. Try to be honest with yourself.
KH: That's what I'm afraid of.
-- /// --
Entry #1
Never kept one of these before. Doc says it might be useful, whatever that means. It almost feels like a homework assignment … not that he's gonna check it or anything.
… maybe he will.
It's been weeks since the last mission. It's seriously making me a little antsy. Aya is worried, but fuck that. Some of us don't have the luxury to worry about other folks.
My hands shake. I get headaches, too. Maybe it’s related to the concentration thing. Or lack of it. Guess I should tell doc about it, but then …
"What do YOU think it is?" he'll probably ask.
Gee, Doc, I was hoping you'd tell me!
Between the two of us, I thought you’d be the one to know better. And while you're at it, gimme a few pills to stop the shaking, so I can do my damn job.
Job, right.
When did it start becoming my job?
Patient: "K.H."
Session #5
Partial transcript:
-- /// --
Dr.: So how are things going with the young woman?
KH: You mean [redacted]?
Dr.: Is that what her name is?
KH: That's what she calls herself. Guess I forgot to mention last time. It's all right, I think. We still meet up.
Dr.: What do you talk about?
KH: Nothing … specific, if that’s what you’re thinking.
Dr.: Not at all.
KH: You do work for Persia.
Dr.: Well, yes. But I’m also a doctor, and you’re my patient. My first obligation is to you.
KH: What’s it like?
Dr.: Excuse me?
KH: You know, listening to me, people like me.
Dr.: You mean …
KH: Killers, murderers. Bad people. Do you help them feel better about themselves? Justify what they’re doing? Or is it more about getting them to a stable place so they can keep doing what they do efficiently?
Dr.: Well …
KH: Sorry, that was a weird question.
Dr.: Not necessarily. Do you consider yourself a bad person?
KH: [sharp laughter] I’m definitely not a good person, at least. [sighs] I dunno. I used to think it was something good I was doing, you know? There are people in the world that are despicable, barely human. They don’t deserve to be walking around, living comfortable lives. It’s not right.
Dr.: Are you saying that’s not what you believe anymore?
KH: I don’t really know what I believe anymore.
Dr.: This woman you’ve been seeing, [redacted]. Is she giving you a new perspective on things?
KH: Not really. More like, she’s me. I’m seeing myself.
Dr.: How so?
KH: She’s made a lot of choices in her life. Some of them not so smart. But none of them can be taken back. And she’s gotta live with that.
Dr.: Like you?
KH: Pretty much.
Dr.: How is your journal coming along?
KH: I started. That’s about it. It feels weird.
Dr.: It can be a little uncomfortable at first. That’s normal.
KH: Heh. At least something’s normal about me.
-- /// --
Entry #2
“It’s normal.”
Wow, how long has it been since I’ve heard that? Sometimes I think he’s only telling me what he thinks I wanna hear. But I know the truth. Nothing’s been normal about me since the first time I
[rest of the page deliberately left blank]
Mission orders came down last night. It’s about time.
Hand still shakes, but it’s not so bad anymore. I think once I’m out there, the adrenalin will carry me through the rest. It usually does.
But seriously, what’s up with this? It can’t be fear. That’s impossible. Not after all this time. I haven’t been scared in a long time. Probably
I just know I can’t let the others see. If they bench me … I dunno what I might do.
Patient: "K.H."
Session #6
Partial transcript:
Dr.: Are you all right? You look a little pale today.
KH: Do I? Uh. I haven’t really been sleeping.
Dr.: Is something bothering you?
KH: [laughs nervously] You’re funny, doc.
Dr.: How do you mean?
KH: You make it sound like nothing should be bothering me. You should be worried if it was the other way around.
Dr.: You’re probably right.
KH: You don’t always have to agree with me.
Dr.: I know. Tell me about this sleeplessness. How long has it been going on?
KH: Can’t say I’ve slept soundly in a long while, but it’s getting worse.
Dr.: Are you having bad dreams?
KH: You have to be sleeping to have dreams.
Dr.: True.
KH: It’s that distraction thing. I feel like I should be doing something. Every minute of every day. I feel …
Dr.: Restless?
KH: Yeah, restless.
Dr.: What do you do when you can’t sleep?
KH: I walk around. The city doesn’t sleep either, so why should I, right? People stumbling from bar to bar every night. I’m not much of a bar guy, though.
Dr.: How are things on the - work front?
KH: … better.
Dr.: In what way?
KH: In that we have a mission.
Dr.: I see. How do you feel about that?
KH: [snorts] How should I feel?
Dr.: Are you prepared for it?
KH: You mean will I fuck it up? I don’t think so.
Dr.: [sighs] That’s not what I meant.
KH: Sorry.
Dr.: Not a problem. Why don’t you tell me about your work?
KH: [laughs] Um. I get told who to do. And then I do ‘em. That’s it. One or two jabs, that’s all it takes. Sometimes there’s resistance.
Dr.: Jabs. Have you always used the same weapon?
KH: Yeah.
Dr.: What made you choose that one?
KH: I’m good at it, I dunno.
Dr.: Have you ever thought about using something else? Something with more reach, for example.
KH: What, like a gun? Heh. I think … there’s too much distance. It’s not my style.
Dr.: What is your style?
KH: …I have to be sure.
Dr.: Sure…?
KH: Yeah. That I did it. I gotta be sure.
-- /// --
Entry #3
might’ve said too much. he’s probably reporting every word of it to persia. stupid
honestly, i’m not sure what these questions are trying to get at. guns, swords, bagh nakh … it’s all the same. they do the job, that’s it. who cares how you do it as long you finish the mission?
mission went off without a hitch. target acquired at the alley between first and matsushima like planned. he was unarmed. useless. i had him in a minute. could’ve kept up a little more fight. bled like a stuck pig though. need new boots. omi says i’m getting sloppy in the cleanup.
nobody’s perfect.
Patient: "K.H."
Session #7
Doctor’s notes:
Patient “K.H.” was a no-show for today’s session. Poor health was cited as the reason for absence, but suspect this is a fabrication. KH has been exhibiting elevated amounts of anxiety and lack of coping mechanisms. He is struggling to dissociate himself from his work, but is paradoxically drawn to it as well. Shows signs similar to addiction - withdrawal, restlessness, fatigue, lack of outside interests, and constant need for unnamed ‘something.’ This ‘something’ that he seeks, he knows what it is but refuses to acknowledge it. Projects himself onto another individual, who is possibly self-harming or self-destructive. Patient on the verge of being a danger to self or others.
Recommend temporary psych hold, two weeks.
Memo via Persia
To: Dr. Hayato Tachibana
Re: Patient “K.H.”
Message received. Recommendation under advisement. Continue sessions as directed. Keep us appraised.
Patient: "K.H."
Session #7
Partial transcript:
Dr.: I’m glad to see you are better.
KH: Huh?
Dr.: You’ve recovered from your illness, I take it?
KH: Oh, that. Hah. Well … actually it was more like a mental block.
Dr.: I understand.
KH: Do you?
Dr.: It’s been a difficult time for you. I understand you’re coming off a recent mission?
KH: … yeah.
Dr.: Would you like to talk about it?
KH: It was fine. We went in, we did them, we got out.
Dr.: What did you do afterward?
KH: … why?
Dr.: I think it might be important.
KH: I washed my boots.
Dr.: Your boots?
KH: Yeah. But it was no use. I had to throw them away.
Dr.: Do you find yourself thinking about the mission much, afterward?
KH: Sometimes.
Dr.: Which part?
KH: … the smell. The heartbeat.
Dr.: The …?
KH: In my head, I mean. I hear it in my head.
Dr.: Your heartbeat?
KH: …
Dr.: Have you ever thought about taking a break from missions for a while?
KH: Why? Is that what you’re telling Persia?
Dr.: Er … no. It’s just a suggestion.
KH: It’s not like we’re getting missions all the time anymore these days. I think I can handle it.
Dr.: I don’t know if the frequency of the missions have as much bearing, here.
KH: Then what does?
Dr.: I’m concerned about your state of mind.
KH: [laughs] Don’t worry, doc. Tell Persia I might be a little distracted sometimes, but my aim is just fine.
Dr.: I see.
KH: To tell you the truth, the only time that I can focus is out there. In the field.
Dr.: Have you ever thought about what you would do afterward?
KH: After the mission?
Dr.: I mean after everything. When it’s time to walk away for good.
KH: I wouldn’t … I don’t know.
Dr.: Maybe it’s something you ought to consider. Not that I’m suggesting anything immediately. Just a thought.
KH: … yeah.
-- /// --
Entry #4
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
im getting benched i know it
he had that look in his eye like aya he knows
he fucking knows and hes gonna tell persia and shit its fucking over what the hell am i supposed to do now
this goddamn h and it wo nts top shaki ng
shouldve known better than to trust a head doctor they make you say things you dont want to force you to admit and then screw you over
he works for him i shouldve known damnit damnit
youre reading this arent you youre reading this
keep a journal
its useful
useful for shit
be honest with yourself
will only read if you want me to
well doc here i am and whats the diagnosis
just tell me what
i already know
Patient: “K.H.”
Emergency session
via telephone
KH: Hey, doc.
Dr.: Yes, hello. I am so glad you called. How are you feeling?
KH: I’m okay, thanks.
Dr.: Listen. I’d like for you come in. You missed our last session again. I can’t stress to you enough how important it is for you to attend. We were making some great progress.
KH: It’s not happening.
Dr.: What’s not?
KH: These sessions, talking to me, keeping me on this side of reason. It’s not gonna work, doc.
Dr.: Why do you think so?
KH: Because. There are some things you can’t fix. I’m not normal. I don’t think I ever will be.
Dr.: Then maybe we need to talk about what ‘normal’ means to you.
KH: What, you mean making up a meaning?
Dr.: Not exactly. Just readjusting your perspective. Your normal doesn’t have to be the same as someone else’s. If you find your own equilibrium, a way to keep your feelings in balance, then that’s your own sense of normality.
KH: … okay.
Dr.: Will you come in tomorrow?
KH: Maybe. I have a mission tonight.
Dr.: [inaudible sigh] I see.
KH: [soft snort] I’m sorry.
Dr.: About?
KH: Ditching. I just thought, you know, you were against me.
Dr.: Not at all. Your well-being is my main concern. Do you believe me now?
KH: I do. Thanks.
Dr.: Good luck.
Entry #5
Saw her last night for the last time. We met by the river. I shoved my bagh nakh into her stomach. She smiled at me, and I could hear her heartbeat in my head. Like a slow dub dub, I could feel it flowing down through my head all the way to my arm. It felt so warm. My hands don’t shake anymore.
It’s funny how it goes. I’m sure doc gave me the red light. I wouldn’t have been out there, if he had his say so. He was right - he was looking out for me. In the end though, it really doesn’t matter. I realize now that it’s not doc I should’ve been worried about, but Persia.
I’ll play along then, if you want me to. It’s the only thing I know how to do. The only way I know how to be. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
Point me where you will.
Let’s see how far the rabbit hole goes.