your smile is a drug I can't afford anymore
He called her on a roadside payphone, in the rain (the elements were never on his side) in the middle of the night, on a number he was never meant to ring.
She doesn’t want to speak to you; the voice of Celia van der Woodsen snapped, it’s over. So go write a song about it or whatever it is you musicians do.
He didn’t. Instead, he wrote an album worth of songs about love and devotion and her that would never be heard.
And one song about her evil mother that would eventually end up on their album.
He always had to have the last word when it came to Cece.
Never her.
---
He’d warned Allison before she met her. But like anything, no amount of forewarning can actually prepare you enough to withstand the blast.
But he’s always had a thing for ‘fierce’ women, and as his prim and proper ex and his paint-splattered fiancé share a moment of stone cold politeness he can’t help but wonder if anyone’s been killed with courtesy.
An artist, huh?
Don’t start this, Lil.
I’m not starting anything. I just think it’s all quite fitting.
Bull.
She’s not a groupie.
No. (pause) She’s not.
She’s idealistic.
You both lost that a long time ago. Sometime between her fucking the drummer of Jane’s Addiction and you getting bear bottles pelted at you in God knows where, it abandoned you both.
She’s an artist.
She’s a dreamer, Rufus.
We all have dreams.
What’s she going to do when she finds out you still love me.
Don’t flatter yourself, van der Woodsen.
Yet you don’t deny it.
I love her.
No need to convince me. We wouldn’t have worked anyway. A rock star and a groupie.
I won’t be a rock star forever.
What, you would give it away, get married, start a family? Maybe you’re the dreamer.
And you’re full of it.
I’ll be hearing you.
He married Allison a month later. A year later, she had Dan. Two years after that, a month before Jenny was born, he gave it all away.
He was always trying to prove her wrong.
---
When his son took to writing instead of the guitar, he was slightly devastated. But he was proud.
He’d take a tortured writer over a struggling musician any day.
Besides, he already knows how that story ends.
---
His wife leaves him to work on her art; but he knows better.
He left her a long time ago.
But he plays pretend, for the sake of his dreamer-daughter and idealistic son, that everything’s fine, everyone’s happy. Everything’s alright.
He’s never been a big fan of ‘alright’. There’s good and there’s bad. Anything in between is just a lie.
He learnt that from her.
---
At 17 she’s her mother’s daughter, with wild blonde hair minus the disdain.
It will only end in heart ache, but this is one mistake his son will have to learn for himself.
He watches his son rent tuxes, plan elaborate romantic schemes, as does she and they silently reminisce together but apart.
They’re constantly thrown together these days. It would be sign, if he believed in them.
She’s busy moulding his dreamer-daughter; screamingly obvious in a way that’s subtle to everyone else. Debutants and Balls and high society functions and he secretly has to remind himself that she’s Allison’s daughter.
Not hers.
---
The inevitable break up is messy and tragic and heartbreaking and this time it’s his son on the payphone at the side of the road, speaking to Lily.
I truly am sorry, Dan.
He spends the week doing what writers do. He hides away and writes tales of angst and heartache and lost love and files them away under ‘the end’. He does what his father could not.
He lets go.
---
She’s her father’s daughter with her mother’s determinism and when she brings the youngest van der Woodsen home one winter night, he’s not surprised.
The van der Woodsen’s are quite susceptible to the Humphrey charm, after all.
But he’s blonde and polite and very much not like his mother or his sister that he’s relieved. He shakes his hand with a firm grip and a soft smile and they make small talk while his little girl gets ready for her first date.
It won’t end in heartbreak; he knows that much.
She slots into their world like she was born into it; handmade dresses and all.
She’s just a beautiful dreamer.
---
Her marriage to Bart Bass ends in tragedy and she arrives on his doorstep to help her pick up the pieces.
Because a leopard never changes its spots; just like Bart Bass can’t stop cheating and Lily van der Woodsen can’t stop running to his door and he can’t stop opening it up wide with open arms.
But they drink cheap scotch and listen to 90's rock on vinyl and she lists every rock star she ever slept with, the ones who made it big, the ones who thanked her in the album notes and the ones who still send her Christmas cards.
They reminisce about dirty tour buses, drunken tattoos and talk about their children. She wants Serena to be less reckless and he wants Dan to be less cynical. She wants Eric to be happy and he wants Jenny to remain innocent.
They have new dreams now.
---
Their reunion is a long time coming in the unlikeliest of places. In an empty classroom at the school’s annual parent night, it’s a blur of kisses and touches and memories of awkward encounters in uncomfortable places that happened a lifetime ago.
t’s the same, but different. Maybe they’re the ones that are different.
Instead of disdain and payphones he’s met with happier memories of ranches and cameras. New songs are written, about discovery and ancient love. It’s private and it’s tender and it’s vulnerable and lord knows she shouldn’t still be able to make him feel like this, after 20 years, but she’s always been so incredibly fierce.
And he wonders if, like the hole in the ozone, it’s possible for his idealism to rebuild.
Probably not, but he likes to dream.
She doesn’t want to speak to you; the voice of Celia van der Woodsen snapped, it’s over. So go write a song about it or whatever it is you musicians do.
He didn’t. Instead, he wrote an album worth of songs about love and devotion and her that would never be heard.
And one song about her evil mother that would eventually end up on their album.
He always had to have the last word when it came to Cece.
Never her.
---
He’d warned Allison before she met her. But like anything, no amount of forewarning can actually prepare you enough to withstand the blast.
But he’s always had a thing for ‘fierce’ women, and as his prim and proper ex and his paint-splattered fiancé share a moment of stone cold politeness he can’t help but wonder if anyone’s been killed with courtesy.
An artist, huh?
Don’t start this, Lil.
I’m not starting anything. I just think it’s all quite fitting.
Bull.
She’s not a groupie.
No. (pause) She’s not.
She’s idealistic.
You both lost that a long time ago. Sometime between her fucking the drummer of Jane’s Addiction and you getting bear bottles pelted at you in God knows where, it abandoned you both.
She’s an artist.
She’s a dreamer, Rufus.
We all have dreams.
What’s she going to do when she finds out you still love me.
Don’t flatter yourself, van der Woodsen.
Yet you don’t deny it.
I love her.
No need to convince me. We wouldn’t have worked anyway. A rock star and a groupie.
I won’t be a rock star forever.
What, you would give it away, get married, start a family? Maybe you’re the dreamer.
And you’re full of it.
I’ll be hearing you.
He married Allison a month later. A year later, she had Dan. Two years after that, a month before Jenny was born, he gave it all away.
He was always trying to prove her wrong.
---
When his son took to writing instead of the guitar, he was slightly devastated. But he was proud.
He’d take a tortured writer over a struggling musician any day.
Besides, he already knows how that story ends.
---
His wife leaves him to work on her art; but he knows better.
He left her a long time ago.
But he plays pretend, for the sake of his dreamer-daughter and idealistic son, that everything’s fine, everyone’s happy. Everything’s alright.
He’s never been a big fan of ‘alright’. There’s good and there’s bad. Anything in between is just a lie.
He learnt that from her.
---
At 17 she’s her mother’s daughter, with wild blonde hair minus the disdain.
It will only end in heart ache, but this is one mistake his son will have to learn for himself.
He watches his son rent tuxes, plan elaborate romantic schemes, as does she and they silently reminisce together but apart.
They’re constantly thrown together these days. It would be sign, if he believed in them.
She’s busy moulding his dreamer-daughter; screamingly obvious in a way that’s subtle to everyone else. Debutants and Balls and high society functions and he secretly has to remind himself that she’s Allison’s daughter.
Not hers.
---
The inevitable break up is messy and tragic and heartbreaking and this time it’s his son on the payphone at the side of the road, speaking to Lily.
I truly am sorry, Dan.
He spends the week doing what writers do. He hides away and writes tales of angst and heartache and lost love and files them away under ‘the end’. He does what his father could not.
He lets go.
---
She’s her father’s daughter with her mother’s determinism and when she brings the youngest van der Woodsen home one winter night, he’s not surprised.
The van der Woodsen’s are quite susceptible to the Humphrey charm, after all.
But he’s blonde and polite and very much not like his mother or his sister that he’s relieved. He shakes his hand with a firm grip and a soft smile and they make small talk while his little girl gets ready for her first date.
It won’t end in heartbreak; he knows that much.
She slots into their world like she was born into it; handmade dresses and all.
She’s just a beautiful dreamer.
---
Her marriage to Bart Bass ends in tragedy and she arrives on his doorstep to help her pick up the pieces.
Because a leopard never changes its spots; just like Bart Bass can’t stop cheating and Lily van der Woodsen can’t stop running to his door and he can’t stop opening it up wide with open arms.
But they drink cheap scotch and listen to 90's rock on vinyl and she lists every rock star she ever slept with, the ones who made it big, the ones who thanked her in the album notes and the ones who still send her Christmas cards.
They reminisce about dirty tour buses, drunken tattoos and talk about their children. She wants Serena to be less reckless and he wants Dan to be less cynical. She wants Eric to be happy and he wants Jenny to remain innocent.
They have new dreams now.
---
Their reunion is a long time coming in the unlikeliest of places. In an empty classroom at the school’s annual parent night, it’s a blur of kisses and touches and memories of awkward encounters in uncomfortable places that happened a lifetime ago.
t’s the same, but different. Maybe they’re the ones that are different.
Instead of disdain and payphones he’s met with happier memories of ranches and cameras. New songs are written, about discovery and ancient love. It’s private and it’s tender and it’s vulnerable and lord knows she shouldn’t still be able to make him feel like this, after 20 years, but she’s always been so incredibly fierce.
And he wonders if, like the hole in the ozone, it’s possible for his idealism to rebuild.
Probably not, but he likes to dream.