The Measure of a Man (9/9)
It was the pounding headache that finally dragged Ianto into wakefulness; however, it took a further few minutes for the blurry objects to turn into solid shapes. He was in a small, dark room that was not his own. He was in a warm, comfortable bed which again, wasn’t his own.
In the silence that followed, he became increasingly aware of the solid, male body spooned up behind him; Jack his subconscious helpfully supplied. Jack. The shock was enough to jolt him into full coherency, sending ripples of pain down his stiff and aching body as he turned to face his employer.
“Hey, you’re safe,” murmured Jack, reaching out a hand to stroke Ianto’s cheek and letting it drop when the boy shrunk away from him.
“Ianto, what’s wrong?” asked Jack, worried by the young man’s reaction.
“I… I…I don’t remember,” whispered Ianto, almost inaudibly. Mentally, Jack kicked himself; he should’ve thought about this; he’d known Ianto was in deep shock, of course, there was a high chance he’d lose his memory. Waking up in pain with the body of the person he used to hate spooned up behind him was only going to confuse him further. Jack should’ve left him and watched from afar, but then, he’d never been very good at looking but not touching. It had been almost unbearable from Jack’s point of view to watch as the young man who was so clearly exhausted suffered a seemingly never ending stream of nightmares, he’d just wanted Ianto to know he wasn’t alone.
“What do you remember?” asked Jack gently, trying to placate the panicked man.
Ianto tried to focus and think beyond the blurred images and rush of sounds, “Cannibals…they…they tried to kill me,” he stammered as the memory of the steel blade pressed against his throat became nauseatingly clear.
“But you’re safe now,” murmured Jack, reaching out to soothe him, only to be pushed away as Ianto sat up.
“Don’t you dare, Jack. Just… don’t you dare,” he pleaded as he spiralled into further turmoil.
“Okay. I’m sorry. Just calm down, you’ll hurt yourself,” said Jack, also sitting up, trying to root the Welshman in reality as he became more and more hysterical.
“Leave me alone, Jack,” begged Ianto on the brink of tears as he turned and fled.
“Ianto!” called Jack, sinking back against the pillows in desperation.
By the time Ianto reached the locker room the world was spinning and his head felt like it was going to explode. Leaning against the wall, he rested his head against the cool tiles, his arms crossed above him trying to calm himself down. He remembered very little about the previous day but he did remember Jack. He remembered trusting him. Trusting him without knowing why.
He didn’t know what was happening, he was usually so good at remaining stoic even when he was in turmoil and the whole world and its cat were going to hell in a hand basket. However, yesterday had left him feeling frighteningly vulnerable. He no longer felt in control any more; every emotion he’d suppressed over the last few months felt like it was coming to a head; not caring if they contradicted each other.
“Ianto,” came Jack’s calming voice as he entered the room though Ianto was grateful that he kept his distance; he couldn’t cope as it was; adding Jack to the mix would confuse him further.
“Leave me alone,” he pleaded quietly, keeping his back to the Immortal. If he saw those clear, blue eyes filled with love and concern he’d break and he didn’t want to do that in front of Jack. Not again.
“Ianto, you know I can’t. You’re hurt and Owen would kill me if you collapsed on your own and… we need to talk; properly,” said Jack gently, keeping his voice and body neutral despite all he really wanted o do was hold the Welshman close and tell him everything would be alright. However, given Ianto’s current state, he knew that would do more harm than good.
Ianto stayed silent, concentrating on his breathing for fear of saying the wrong thing. He was so scared of Jack, of his feelings.
“Ianto let me in. I’ll wait all day if I have to but I’m not leaving you; not when you’re like this,” murmured Jack soothingly, sitting on the bench. He’d wait. For Ianto he’d wait forever.
Ianto stayed silent, bowing his head in acknowledgement. He’d known Jack wouldn’t leave him. He hadn’t really wanted Jack to leave, he just…oh he didn’t know; Jack had always done strange things to his emotions. He knew Jack couldn’t help it, it was just they way he was but sometimes he just wished Jack were a nice, normal boss. Nice, normal bosses didn’t stay with their injured and traumatised employees all night, soothing them through relentless nightmares. Nice, normal bosses didn’t forgive their employees for betraying their trust and nearly destroying the world. Nice, normal bosses didn’t understand.
Slowly, he turned and regarded Jack with a carefully crafted expression of indifference, hands in his pockets, head against the wall. Jack looked equally impassive, patiently waiting for when Ianto was ready to speak; not pressing him to say or do things he didn’t want to or wasn’t ready to do; another thing nice, normal bosses didn’t do.
“Why am I here, Jack?” he asked wearily, bypassing the other thoughts which were too complicated to verbalise.
“What do you mean?” asked Jack, frowning at the ambiguity of the question, Ianto wasn’t making it easy for him but then why should he?
“Everything. This why d’you bother?” asked Ianto, softly, keeping his gaze lowered, scuffing his toes non commitally.
Ah, he doesn’t feel deserving thought Jack, noting the insecurity in the young man’s voice and body language.
“Because you’re an important member of the team, a close friend and I care about you,” murmured Jack, resisting the urge to go over for fear of freaking him out again.
“But why? I’d have kicked me out long ago,” whispered Ianto, hesitantly meeting Jack’s gaze and seeing something unidentifiable pass across them.
“Do you want to be kicked out?” asked Jack gently, keeping eye contact despite seeing how uncomfortable the young man was.
“No…I just thought after everything…”Ianto trailed off feeling himself flush red under the Captain’s enquiring gaze.
Jack sighed,” Ianto, that’s all in the past; I forgave you,” he said, no longer able to resist the urge to be close to the shy man as he crossed the room to stand in front of him; tilting his chin up so he could convey his sincerity.
“I hurt you,” whispered Ianto, almost inaudibly, his hands sub consciously resting over Jack’s.
“You did what you thought was best,” murmured Jack, adjusting the hold so their fingers were laced together.
“I’m a liability,” muttered Ianto, looking at where their hands were entwined.
“You’re an asset,” corrected Jack gently, keeping eye contact as he lightly pressed a kiss to Ianto’s bruised knuckles.
Ianto just raised a disbelieving eyebrow in response, “assets don’t get caught,” he muttered.
“You were unlucky. It could’ve happened to any one of us, but you shouldn’t let those bastards affect you; you’re better than them,” said Jack soothingly.
“Yeah and look at the fuss I’m making now,” said Ianto self depreciatingly.
“Ianto, you’re not making a fuss. If anything, I’m amazed at how well you’re coping,” murmured Jack, stroking his hair off his face. Ianto let him.
“You’re an amazing man, Ianto Jones who’s been through so much. Maybe that’s partly down to me not being there but I’m here now… If you’ll have me?” he offered, cupping Ianto’s face.
“I don’t know, Jack,” said Ianto, hesitantly, keeping his gaze averted.
“You’ve spent so long putting everyone else’s needs first; ours, Lisa’s, Torchwood One’s that you’ve never really had chance to think about yourself. You’ve always had someone or something else to hide behind but now you don’t, you feel vulnerable so put your own barriers on place to stop yourself getting hurt again.” Ianto stayed quiet because what could he say? Jack knew him so well it was scary.
“I’m right, aren’t I?” murmured Jack, moving his hands down to rest on Ianto’s shoulders.
Ianto nodded, “You confuse me, Jack. I confuse myself with what I feel for you. I feel so torn between what I should and should not feel. Logic dictates that I should hate you but… I can’t. God knows I’ve tried. Even after Lisa, I never truly hated you, not really. If I cant hate you, what should I feel?” he whispered, his tone almost pleading Jack to give him the answer.
“What do you want to feel, Ianto?” asked Jack softly, thumbing a stray tear off the young man’s cheek.
“Safe… In control…Loved…” murmured Ianto, meeting Jack’s gaze.
“I could give you that…If you wanted…” offered Jack softly, moving closer so he was pressed against the Welshman’s body. When he wasn’t pushed away as he’d feared he would be, he cautiously leant in for a kiss, feeling Ianto relax against him as if a huge weight had been lifted.
“Okay.”