Future prospects
I haven't said anything to too many people, but there's one more thing that's been going on since I left. Over the last month or so, I've been considering joining the military. It's not that I feel a strong urge to support my country or government. It's just that I feel like I should be doing more with my life.
Right now, I'm a custodian for the school board. All things considered, it's a great job. Decent pay. Awesome benefits. Tons of days paid holidays off. And every month I get one paid vacation day and one paid sick day that I can save up. Great health benefits too. Plus several benefits. Easily the best job I've ever had.
And then I take a step back and I realize: "Hey, man, I'm 26 years old and I've peaked as a frigging janitor!"
I took it as a temporary thing so I could apply for something else in the school board. Something with better pay. Something that's viewed a little more respectable. But what else would I do? Maintenance? A desk job?
When my step-father gets out of prison, of course, he's going to start up another business. He's a genius when it comes to business. He wants me to be part of it with him because after what happened last time, he wants to hire people that he trusts in the more key positions. It's a great opportunity. I'd probably make tons of money and have a pretty exciting job where I'd be traveling, talking to clients, making big decisions, etc.
But... is that really okay? Living my life by hanging from his coattail? Or struggling along with a mundane desk job where I'd live my life in mediocrity?
My fellow custodians are very depressing people. When I talk to them, they have no desire to do anything with their lives. They've simply accepted that this is their place in the world. Most of them are devout Christians believe that they're getting their reward in heaven. But that's not a life I could ever live. The fact that I'm not religious at all aside, I can't imagine living my life simply waiting to die.
This may sound melodramatic, but my entire life, somewhere deep inside, I've always felt that I'm meant to do more with my life.
Years ago, my life was pretty simple and sheltered. One day, I had a premonition that my life was about to change. I didn't know how it would change but I was really excited about it. Over the next few years, I started taking up martial arts, I met my first girlfriend, my family lost their business, my stepfather lost his freedom, I gave up on the religion I'd spent my life serving, moved out of my parents' house, and a ton of other things. That was over the course of maybe three or four years. I believed my life would change and not a single thing has been the same.
But I've also always had another premonition. I've always felt that I was supposed to do something great with my life. Something exciting. Something that might not necessarily change the world, but it would affect people's lives for the better. Maybe that's egotistical, but it's almost like a need. I just can't grow old this way.
I tell people that I'm old and they laugh at me. I think the truth is that I'm still relatively young and I'm not doing anything with it. The years are passing me by and I still have nothing to show for it.
I spoke with my Sensei not too long ago about my premonition and he told me that nothing great will ever happen to me that I don't make happen. And like most older people, he gave me his advice for how I should live my life. He said that if he was my age, he'd find that one thing he wanted to do with his life and he would pursue it, no matter the costs or how hard it would be.
But I think that thought scared me. I mean, if you have a dream, how far do you chase it? We build up these comfort zones in our lives where we feel safe that we can get by day to day. But sometimes they prevent us from ever progressing. We have to leave our safety and take a chance to do anything significant, unless our goal is to move up some corporate ladder or we just get lucky and something falls in our lap.
But there's no guarantee that we'll succeed in our goals. I think I was afraid to take a chance and fail and find myself another 10 years older, but no further ahead. But then again, I've always wanted to do something, but I was always afraid of making the wrong choice. But while I'm debating what the right choice is, years are still ticking by.
The truth is, I've always wanted to see the world. I've always wanted to be a martial artist. Those were my dreams. As for a career, I'd like to be part of something that would allow me to do both. I would like to be able to do something that would allow me to use my training for more than tournaments. I'd like to be able to use it for something good.
I haven't really told many people about this because most would think it's silly or wouldn't take me seriously, but this is my journal, and the reason I started this is so that I could look back one day and recall what I was thinking at different stages in my life. So... at least right now, I've decided I'd like to get into bodyguard work.
So considering my Sensei's advice, I thought that if this was really what I wanted to do, what would I have to do to get there? Well, that's a long story in itself, but I decided that the best way to get the training I needed for it would be through the military. It'd cost me thousands to go to a good school for maybe a few weeks of training, or I could be paid to do it in the military. Plus, I'd learn a lot more about discipline, facing my fears, overcoming challenges, and bravery.
This brings me back to the start of this entry. Joining the military. When I decided that this was the best course of action for me to take to get into bodyguarding, it I had a LOT of doubts. I know my father will never approve. His religion is opposed to being part of worldly governments, let alone fighting for them. I don't know what his reaction will be. But it probably won't be good. Of course, with both bodyguarding and the military, I was afraid of getting killed. I'm not naive. This was a very risky path I was considering. And years ago, Sensei had suggested the military to me, but I didn't want to go because I wanted to continue my training.
Well, now Sensei is in another state, and my training is seriously lacking. At least there, I'll get some great physical training. And since Sensei's been gone, one thing I've learned is that I can teach myself. He's shown me enough that I know how to analyze and break down my techniques and kata. I have a good idea of how the body works, how power is generated, what hurts when it's bent a certain way, and concepts of body mechanics. Just by going over what I already know, I can apply new and more effective uses to older and more simple techniques.
As for the fear of being hurt... well, one day I woke up, and for reasons that I don't know, I was okay with the risks. I'm sure if bullets are flying over my head, I'll crap myself like everyone else, but it's not paralyzing me anymore.
And I've decided that my father is going to have to learn to deal with the choices I make. I don't resent him. I used to. Because of him, I've been held back from a lot my entire life. Because of a religious faith that really was never my own. Whenever I wanted to do something that was against our religion, he could always guilt me out of it. Or guilt me into participating in certain things that I wasn't really interested in. But ultimately, he did those things because they worked. And I let him do it. So I suppose that I really can't blame him entirely for that. The truth is that he loves his kids more than anything and I didn't want to break his heart. That's why guilt worked. I just didn't want to hurt him. Because in his beliefs, if I don't come around, I'm doomed to die at Armageddon along with all the other sinners. And unfortunately, my brother and sister have also turned away from that faith. So I really felt bad that he felt all his children were going to die. In his mind, he’s just trying to save our lives.
I won’t say I believe or don’t believe in God. But I decided years ago that it just wasn’t want I wanted for myself. And if my soul is doomed or whatever the case may be, I’m prepared to accept that. I just don’t want to have to tell him that... But it’s time.
I've told my mother and step-father. My step-father is very supportive. He asked me several questions about it, probably to see if I really knew what I was getting into. But once I satisfied his questions, he's been very encouraging. I talk to him when I go to visit him at the prison he's being held at. It's a minimum security camp so we can go in a big room to talk with him along with other prisoners and their families. So he introduced me to an old Vietnam vet and I talked with him for a long while.
I've been talking with my friend who is in the Army right now and he's been giving me some more current information. I've been discussing it with my Sensei since he used to be in bodyguarding too and knows a lot about the military so he's been giving me a lot of ideas. And of course, I've been doing a lot of reading.
My mother doesn't seem too interested to discuss it when I bring it up, so I don't talk about it anymore with her. I don't think it's that she doesn't care. I think she's either worried I'll be killed or doesn't think I'm seriously going to do it.
Anyway, there's a lot more I want to say on the matter, since it's been consuming my life for the last month and it'll change the direction of my life, but I'll save it for another day. I could use a break (and I'm sure anyone who has been good-hearted enough to read this can too).
Right now, I'm a custodian for the school board. All things considered, it's a great job. Decent pay. Awesome benefits. Tons of days paid holidays off. And every month I get one paid vacation day and one paid sick day that I can save up. Great health benefits too. Plus several benefits. Easily the best job I've ever had.
And then I take a step back and I realize: "Hey, man, I'm 26 years old and I've peaked as a frigging janitor!"
I took it as a temporary thing so I could apply for something else in the school board. Something with better pay. Something that's viewed a little more respectable. But what else would I do? Maintenance? A desk job?
When my step-father gets out of prison, of course, he's going to start up another business. He's a genius when it comes to business. He wants me to be part of it with him because after what happened last time, he wants to hire people that he trusts in the more key positions. It's a great opportunity. I'd probably make tons of money and have a pretty exciting job where I'd be traveling, talking to clients, making big decisions, etc.
But... is that really okay? Living my life by hanging from his coattail? Or struggling along with a mundane desk job where I'd live my life in mediocrity?
My fellow custodians are very depressing people. When I talk to them, they have no desire to do anything with their lives. They've simply accepted that this is their place in the world. Most of them are devout Christians believe that they're getting their reward in heaven. But that's not a life I could ever live. The fact that I'm not religious at all aside, I can't imagine living my life simply waiting to die.
This may sound melodramatic, but my entire life, somewhere deep inside, I've always felt that I'm meant to do more with my life.
Years ago, my life was pretty simple and sheltered. One day, I had a premonition that my life was about to change. I didn't know how it would change but I was really excited about it. Over the next few years, I started taking up martial arts, I met my first girlfriend, my family lost their business, my stepfather lost his freedom, I gave up on the religion I'd spent my life serving, moved out of my parents' house, and a ton of other things. That was over the course of maybe three or four years. I believed my life would change and not a single thing has been the same.
But I've also always had another premonition. I've always felt that I was supposed to do something great with my life. Something exciting. Something that might not necessarily change the world, but it would affect people's lives for the better. Maybe that's egotistical, but it's almost like a need. I just can't grow old this way.
I tell people that I'm old and they laugh at me. I think the truth is that I'm still relatively young and I'm not doing anything with it. The years are passing me by and I still have nothing to show for it.
I spoke with my Sensei not too long ago about my premonition and he told me that nothing great will ever happen to me that I don't make happen. And like most older people, he gave me his advice for how I should live my life. He said that if he was my age, he'd find that one thing he wanted to do with his life and he would pursue it, no matter the costs or how hard it would be.
But I think that thought scared me. I mean, if you have a dream, how far do you chase it? We build up these comfort zones in our lives where we feel safe that we can get by day to day. But sometimes they prevent us from ever progressing. We have to leave our safety and take a chance to do anything significant, unless our goal is to move up some corporate ladder or we just get lucky and something falls in our lap.
But there's no guarantee that we'll succeed in our goals. I think I was afraid to take a chance and fail and find myself another 10 years older, but no further ahead. But then again, I've always wanted to do something, but I was always afraid of making the wrong choice. But while I'm debating what the right choice is, years are still ticking by.
The truth is, I've always wanted to see the world. I've always wanted to be a martial artist. Those were my dreams. As for a career, I'd like to be part of something that would allow me to do both. I would like to be able to do something that would allow me to use my training for more than tournaments. I'd like to be able to use it for something good.
I haven't really told many people about this because most would think it's silly or wouldn't take me seriously, but this is my journal, and the reason I started this is so that I could look back one day and recall what I was thinking at different stages in my life. So... at least right now, I've decided I'd like to get into bodyguard work.
So considering my Sensei's advice, I thought that if this was really what I wanted to do, what would I have to do to get there? Well, that's a long story in itself, but I decided that the best way to get the training I needed for it would be through the military. It'd cost me thousands to go to a good school for maybe a few weeks of training, or I could be paid to do it in the military. Plus, I'd learn a lot more about discipline, facing my fears, overcoming challenges, and bravery.
This brings me back to the start of this entry. Joining the military. When I decided that this was the best course of action for me to take to get into bodyguarding, it I had a LOT of doubts. I know my father will never approve. His religion is opposed to being part of worldly governments, let alone fighting for them. I don't know what his reaction will be. But it probably won't be good. Of course, with both bodyguarding and the military, I was afraid of getting killed. I'm not naive. This was a very risky path I was considering. And years ago, Sensei had suggested the military to me, but I didn't want to go because I wanted to continue my training.
Well, now Sensei is in another state, and my training is seriously lacking. At least there, I'll get some great physical training. And since Sensei's been gone, one thing I've learned is that I can teach myself. He's shown me enough that I know how to analyze and break down my techniques and kata. I have a good idea of how the body works, how power is generated, what hurts when it's bent a certain way, and concepts of body mechanics. Just by going over what I already know, I can apply new and more effective uses to older and more simple techniques.
As for the fear of being hurt... well, one day I woke up, and for reasons that I don't know, I was okay with the risks. I'm sure if bullets are flying over my head, I'll crap myself like everyone else, but it's not paralyzing me anymore.
And I've decided that my father is going to have to learn to deal with the choices I make. I don't resent him. I used to. Because of him, I've been held back from a lot my entire life. Because of a religious faith that really was never my own. Whenever I wanted to do something that was against our religion, he could always guilt me out of it. Or guilt me into participating in certain things that I wasn't really interested in. But ultimately, he did those things because they worked. And I let him do it. So I suppose that I really can't blame him entirely for that. The truth is that he loves his kids more than anything and I didn't want to break his heart. That's why guilt worked. I just didn't want to hurt him. Because in his beliefs, if I don't come around, I'm doomed to die at Armageddon along with all the other sinners. And unfortunately, my brother and sister have also turned away from that faith. So I really felt bad that he felt all his children were going to die. In his mind, he’s just trying to save our lives.
I won’t say I believe or don’t believe in God. But I decided years ago that it just wasn’t want I wanted for myself. And if my soul is doomed or whatever the case may be, I’m prepared to accept that. I just don’t want to have to tell him that... But it’s time.
I've told my mother and step-father. My step-father is very supportive. He asked me several questions about it, probably to see if I really knew what I was getting into. But once I satisfied his questions, he's been very encouraging. I talk to him when I go to visit him at the prison he's being held at. It's a minimum security camp so we can go in a big room to talk with him along with other prisoners and their families. So he introduced me to an old Vietnam vet and I talked with him for a long while.
I've been talking with my friend who is in the Army right now and he's been giving me some more current information. I've been discussing it with my Sensei since he used to be in bodyguarding too and knows a lot about the military so he's been giving me a lot of ideas. And of course, I've been doing a lot of reading.
My mother doesn't seem too interested to discuss it when I bring it up, so I don't talk about it anymore with her. I don't think it's that she doesn't care. I think she's either worried I'll be killed or doesn't think I'm seriously going to do it.
Anyway, there's a lot more I want to say on the matter, since it's been consuming my life for the last month and it'll change the direction of my life, but I'll save it for another day. I could use a break (and I'm sure anyone who has been good-hearted enough to read this can too).