Crackfic: Hardly Used
Warning: crack pairing here. Serious crack pairing. Don't read if you don't want your eyes to bleed!
This is for
christn7. Hope it might at least raise a smile :) With much thanks to
shabella for BRing and very kindly laughing at the right moments and not telling me I'm insane.
Hardly Used
She’s just settled in for the EastEnders omnibus when there’s a knock at the door. Well, bugger. So much for finding out who killed Dirty Den. Again.
Can’t be Howard. He’s off at that market traders’ conference thingy, that he swears is all about marketing strategy and how to weigh in kilos and she’s convinced is just an excuse to get boozy and watch football. Mickey’s working today, and Rose - well, she’s probably half a universe away.
She’s not expecting the lanky figure in the brown pin-stripe suit who’s lounging against the railing opposite.
“What you doin’ here?” She looks around. “Where’s Rose?”
He rolls his eyes. “Not even a hello? Thought I’d at least rate a hello by now. No? Saving your planet at Christmas not enough for you?”
What’s he on about? “Hello, if you insist. Where’s Rose?”
He pulls a face this time. “She made me take her to a Spice Girls concert. Sometimes, her taste in popular culture leaves a lot to be desired, you know.” He strides forward, almost pushing past her, into the flat. “I told her, I did, if you think you’re getting me into that arena you’ve got another think coming, Rose Tyler. I’ll do a lot of things for you, I told her, but a Spice Girls concert - no.” He shudders. “No, no, no, no, no, no. I’d rather sit through twenty hours of Mroxellian country music.” He spins suddenly, staring directly at her, finger pointing at her. “You think Earth country music is bad? This stuff’s a million times worse. Scientifically proven.”
“Right.” Her head’s spinning now. “Okay. So Rose is at a Spice Girls concert. And you came here because...?”
It doesn’t make sense. What’s he doing here? With her?
“Well...” He zooms into the living-room and, by the time she’s caught up with him, has discarded that long brown coat of his. “I have a sort of... well, not a problem, as such. Nah, I wouldn’t call it a problem. No, definitely not. Not at all.” He gives her a winning smile. “More of a... well, a challenge, maybe. A... gap?”
“A gap?” He’s making no sense at all. “What are you on about?”
One hand goes to the back of his head, rubs his neck and then tugs at his ear. “Well... it’s like this. We - Rose and me - met an old... well, I s’pose old enemy, really, on our last trip. And this person said something. Well, makes sense, really. New body, this. Haven’t had a lot of time to break it in. So it’s not surprising. Only to be expected. Nothing to be ashamed of. Not at all. Is it?”
He’s fixing her with those deep brown eyes again, and she’s staring back at him in confusion. “What isn’t?”
“What?” He shakes his head. “What isn’t what?”
“What you just said. Nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Oh. That.” The hand’s rumpling his hair again. Oh, shit. Why does he have to be so bloody attractive in this body too? Bad enough that she fancied the last one. He’s Rose’s, and off-limits. Besides, she’s got Howard.
Okay. Focus on finding out whatever the bloody hell he’s talking about. “What?”
“Well, she said something, this person we met.”
“Yeah, you said.”
“Oh. Right. Yes. Um. So many parts, and hardly used. And I realised, you know, she’s right.”
Parts? Hardly used?
Oh.
And she can’t stop her gaze from trailing down, down, to the precise area the parts she’s thinking of are located.
Right. Those parts. Hardly used?
Well, Rose obviously doesn’t have the sense she was born with, then, does she?
“Really? But I thought you an’ Rose...” The question’s out before she can stop herself.
“No!” He’s shaking his head vigorously. “No, we’re not... I mean, not that I wouldn’t want to - blimey, what am I doing telling that to her mum? But - no. Wouldn’t be right. Travelling together and everything. I mean, start having sex with a travelling companion and before long it’s not about Tab A and Slot B any more, but they’re wanting wardrobe space in your bedroom and putting female stuff all over your bathroom and using the sonic screwdriver for all sorts of things it was never designed for, and they’re getting all domestic and dropping hints about biological clocks and have I ever thought about the patter of tiny Time Lords? And before you know it there’re nappies everywhere and I can’t get near the console for rattles and teddy-bears and Baby’s First TARDIS, and I’m getting domestic!” He shudders, sounding horrified.
“You’re mad, you are,” she says, but there’s secret relief there that he’s not shagging Rose. And she’s not entirely convinced it’s because she’s being protective of Rose.
“Oh, I’m insane. But you knew that.” He grins at her. “So, how about it?”
“How about what?” Has she missed something here? Did he ask a question and she didn’t hear it?
“Keep up, Jackie! Those hardly-used parts. Not really a good idea to leave them like that, hmm? I might need to use them some day. Might not get any warning, either. You know, meet someone, fall in love, get dragged off to dance, all in one day. And it’d be just embarrassing if the... parts didn’t work like they’re supposed to, wouldn’t it? Or if I didn’t know how these parts work. I mean, what do I like in this body? I don’t know, do I?”
The penny’s dropping. “You want to... use them on me?”
“Well, it’d be practice, wouldn’t it? And you know what you’re doing, all right. No hardly-used parts with you.”
She gives him a glare.
“Oh, was that rude?” He stares back, wide-eyed. “It was rude? Sorry. Don’t have Rose here to warn me. She usually tells me, you know, when I’ve been rude. Though...” He blinks. “Maybe not right now.”
“Maybe not,” she says. So he doesn’t want Rose to know that his parts are hardly-used, does he? Well, there’s a surprise.
His mood changing again, he winks at her. “And don’t think I didn’t notice you feeling me up when you put me in those pyjamas, Jackie Tyler. You’ve been looking.” He takes a step towards her.
Okay, she has. Not a crime, is it? Well, if it is she’s going to get her money’s worth. So she looks again.
He takes another step towards her, and sheds his jacket. “It’s a bit like new shoes, really, I s’pose.”
“New shoes?” Yeah. Barking.
“Yeah! You know, they seem all nice in the shop, all shiny and smooth and lovely, and then you get them home and you don’t know if they’ll really do the job. And you have to wear them around the house to break them in before you can risk wearing them outside, in case you get blisters or they fall apart or something.”
Well, that’s the first time she’s heard a bloke’s equipment compared to a pair of shoes. But then, it’s the first time she’s been propositioned by an alien, too. Not that some of the blokes she’s been with didn’t act like they were from another planet.
“So?” he prompts, looking all expectant.
Alien or not, all blokes are the same under the skin, aren’t they? Typical. Not that she’s averse to the idea, even if he is fit to be locked up. Still, doesn’t mean she’s a pushover. Let him work for it. Let him actually ask her.
“What, Doctor?” Wide-eyed, she gives him a baffled look.
“But I just told you! You were listening, weren’t you? New shoes? Breaking in? Wearing them a bit to try them out?”
“But I don’t have any new shoes,” she points out, stifling a laugh.
“Oh, but I do.” He winks. “Hardly used. So, what do you say, Jackie? Put your foot in my new shoe? Though...” He thinks about it for a moment. “Maybe it should be my foot in your shoe. Might make more sense that way. But I’m the one with the new shoes, aren’t I? Oh, bad metaphor!” Impatiently, he tears off his tie and throws it down. “Who cares who’s got the new shoes! Don’t need shoes for what I’ve got in mind, anyway.”
No. They don’t.
“Suppose I could be per - ” she begins. And then halts as he drops his trousers.
That is one hell of a huge... shoe.
A slow smile grows on her face. “Well, I s’pose it wouldn’t be right to let you go out there into space without breaking in those parts of yours. I wouldn’t be doing my bit for inter-species relationships if I let you do that, would I?” And when she puts it like that, she can’t exactly feel guilty about Howard, can she?
“That’s the spirit, Jackie!” Naked, he leans towards her. “And, for the record, I said hardly used.” He winks, clicking his tongue.
And then they done sex. Though she makes sure his shoes stay under the bed.
END
This is for
christn7. Hope it might at least raise a smile :) With much thanks to
shabella for BRing and very kindly laughing at the right moments and not telling me I'm insane.
Hardly Used
She’s just settled in for the EastEnders omnibus when there’s a knock at the door. Well, bugger. So much for finding out who killed Dirty Den. Again.
Can’t be Howard. He’s off at that market traders’ conference thingy, that he swears is all about marketing strategy and how to weigh in kilos and she’s convinced is just an excuse to get boozy and watch football. Mickey’s working today, and Rose - well, she’s probably half a universe away.
She’s not expecting the lanky figure in the brown pin-stripe suit who’s lounging against the railing opposite.
“What you doin’ here?” She looks around. “Where’s Rose?”
He rolls his eyes. “Not even a hello? Thought I’d at least rate a hello by now. No? Saving your planet at Christmas not enough for you?”
What’s he on about? “Hello, if you insist. Where’s Rose?”
He pulls a face this time. “She made me take her to a Spice Girls concert. Sometimes, her taste in popular culture leaves a lot to be desired, you know.” He strides forward, almost pushing past her, into the flat. “I told her, I did, if you think you’re getting me into that arena you’ve got another think coming, Rose Tyler. I’ll do a lot of things for you, I told her, but a Spice Girls concert - no.” He shudders. “No, no, no, no, no, no. I’d rather sit through twenty hours of Mroxellian country music.” He spins suddenly, staring directly at her, finger pointing at her. “You think Earth country music is bad? This stuff’s a million times worse. Scientifically proven.”
“Right.” Her head’s spinning now. “Okay. So Rose is at a Spice Girls concert. And you came here because...?”
It doesn’t make sense. What’s he doing here? With her?
“Well...” He zooms into the living-room and, by the time she’s caught up with him, has discarded that long brown coat of his. “I have a sort of... well, not a problem, as such. Nah, I wouldn’t call it a problem. No, definitely not. Not at all.” He gives her a winning smile. “More of a... well, a challenge, maybe. A... gap?”
“A gap?” He’s making no sense at all. “What are you on about?”
One hand goes to the back of his head, rubs his neck and then tugs at his ear. “Well... it’s like this. We - Rose and me - met an old... well, I s’pose old enemy, really, on our last trip. And this person said something. Well, makes sense, really. New body, this. Haven’t had a lot of time to break it in. So it’s not surprising. Only to be expected. Nothing to be ashamed of. Not at all. Is it?”
He’s fixing her with those deep brown eyes again, and she’s staring back at him in confusion. “What isn’t?”
“What?” He shakes his head. “What isn’t what?”
“What you just said. Nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Oh. That.” The hand’s rumpling his hair again. Oh, shit. Why does he have to be so bloody attractive in this body too? Bad enough that she fancied the last one. He’s Rose’s, and off-limits. Besides, she’s got Howard.
Okay. Focus on finding out whatever the bloody hell he’s talking about. “What?”
“Well, she said something, this person we met.”
“Yeah, you said.”
“Oh. Right. Yes. Um. So many parts, and hardly used. And I realised, you know, she’s right.”
Parts? Hardly used?
Oh.
And she can’t stop her gaze from trailing down, down, to the precise area the parts she’s thinking of are located.
Right. Those parts. Hardly used?
Well, Rose obviously doesn’t have the sense she was born with, then, does she?
“Really? But I thought you an’ Rose...” The question’s out before she can stop herself.
“No!” He’s shaking his head vigorously. “No, we’re not... I mean, not that I wouldn’t want to - blimey, what am I doing telling that to her mum? But - no. Wouldn’t be right. Travelling together and everything. I mean, start having sex with a travelling companion and before long it’s not about Tab A and Slot B any more, but they’re wanting wardrobe space in your bedroom and putting female stuff all over your bathroom and using the sonic screwdriver for all sorts of things it was never designed for, and they’re getting all domestic and dropping hints about biological clocks and have I ever thought about the patter of tiny Time Lords? And before you know it there’re nappies everywhere and I can’t get near the console for rattles and teddy-bears and Baby’s First TARDIS, and I’m getting domestic!” He shudders, sounding horrified.
“You’re mad, you are,” she says, but there’s secret relief there that he’s not shagging Rose. And she’s not entirely convinced it’s because she’s being protective of Rose.
“Oh, I’m insane. But you knew that.” He grins at her. “So, how about it?”
“How about what?” Has she missed something here? Did he ask a question and she didn’t hear it?
“Keep up, Jackie! Those hardly-used parts. Not really a good idea to leave them like that, hmm? I might need to use them some day. Might not get any warning, either. You know, meet someone, fall in love, get dragged off to dance, all in one day. And it’d be just embarrassing if the... parts didn’t work like they’re supposed to, wouldn’t it? Or if I didn’t know how these parts work. I mean, what do I like in this body? I don’t know, do I?”
The penny’s dropping. “You want to... use them on me?”
“Well, it’d be practice, wouldn’t it? And you know what you’re doing, all right. No hardly-used parts with you.”
She gives him a glare.
“Oh, was that rude?” He stares back, wide-eyed. “It was rude? Sorry. Don’t have Rose here to warn me. She usually tells me, you know, when I’ve been rude. Though...” He blinks. “Maybe not right now.”
“Maybe not,” she says. So he doesn’t want Rose to know that his parts are hardly-used, does he? Well, there’s a surprise.
His mood changing again, he winks at her. “And don’t think I didn’t notice you feeling me up when you put me in those pyjamas, Jackie Tyler. You’ve been looking.” He takes a step towards her.
Okay, she has. Not a crime, is it? Well, if it is she’s going to get her money’s worth. So she looks again.
He takes another step towards her, and sheds his jacket. “It’s a bit like new shoes, really, I s’pose.”
“New shoes?” Yeah. Barking.
“Yeah! You know, they seem all nice in the shop, all shiny and smooth and lovely, and then you get them home and you don’t know if they’ll really do the job. And you have to wear them around the house to break them in before you can risk wearing them outside, in case you get blisters or they fall apart or something.”
Well, that’s the first time she’s heard a bloke’s equipment compared to a pair of shoes. But then, it’s the first time she’s been propositioned by an alien, too. Not that some of the blokes she’s been with didn’t act like they were from another planet.
“So?” he prompts, looking all expectant.
Alien or not, all blokes are the same under the skin, aren’t they? Typical. Not that she’s averse to the idea, even if he is fit to be locked up. Still, doesn’t mean she’s a pushover. Let him work for it. Let him actually ask her.
“What, Doctor?” Wide-eyed, she gives him a baffled look.
“But I just told you! You were listening, weren’t you? New shoes? Breaking in? Wearing them a bit to try them out?”
“But I don’t have any new shoes,” she points out, stifling a laugh.
“Oh, but I do.” He winks. “Hardly used. So, what do you say, Jackie? Put your foot in my new shoe? Though...” He thinks about it for a moment. “Maybe it should be my foot in your shoe. Might make more sense that way. But I’m the one with the new shoes, aren’t I? Oh, bad metaphor!” Impatiently, he tears off his tie and throws it down. “Who cares who’s got the new shoes! Don’t need shoes for what I’ve got in mind, anyway.”
No. They don’t.
“Suppose I could be per - ” she begins. And then halts as he drops his trousers.
That is one hell of a huge... shoe.
A slow smile grows on her face. “Well, I s’pose it wouldn’t be right to let you go out there into space without breaking in those parts of yours. I wouldn’t be doing my bit for inter-species relationships if I let you do that, would I?” And when she puts it like that, she can’t exactly feel guilty about Howard, can she?
“That’s the spirit, Jackie!” Naked, he leans towards her. “And, for the record, I said hardly used.” He winks, clicking his tongue.
And then they done sex. Though she makes sure his shoes stay under the bed.
END