Crumbs
Sooyoung (SNSD) x Jessica (SNSD)
PG-13; 2041w
Sooyoung can't help wanting to help others, even if that means having to love Jessica Jung.
A/N: For
unnideul Post 4 Part 1
이 밤 지나고 나면은
날 깨울 그대 올테죠
한 방울 씩 흘려 놓은
눈물 즈려 밟으며
When this night passes
You will come to wake me
By stepping on the tears
I shed one by one
-IU, 잔혹동화 “Cruel Fairy Tale”
The sound is faint and very very ugly. Hiccups and raspy breathing mingles with the sobs, overpowered only by a strangled sort of choking, as if whoever’s crying doesn’t want anyone to hear, as if thin hands struggle over lips and throat to keep the grief from leaking through the spaces.
It's the kind of sound that creeps into your ears and settles in your chest, smacking and tugging at the pulpy red mess that lies there in a hopes of stirring feelings. It's the kind of sound that screams “help” without a need of a “please.”
It really shouldn’t be any of Sooyoung’s business and some would accuse her of being a nosy busybody but she finds herself leaving her table and textbooks at the very back of the school’s library to investigate, anyways.
Yoona always does say her heart is too big sometimes.
The school’s library is usually near empty this far into the evening and in the areas housing the more obscure topics, one could hardly expect to see anyone at all. It's the perfect place for naps and studying and, as Sooyoung now learns, crying.
There, sitting in the aisle of ancient Latin dictionaries is a crying girl. Even though her eyes are red and puffy and her hair slightly frazzled and there is what looks to be snot dribbling out of her nose, she’s still pretty, and it’s a beauty that Sooyoung recognizes.
Jessica Jung.
Sooyoung doesn’t know her personally, has never spoken to or with her and as far as she can assume, probably never even existed in Jessica’s mind. But she knows about her, much like everyone else does.
Jessica Jung, the Ice Princess. Rich, beautiful and completely unapproachable, fitting for her title. A girl who’s reputation is made up of 40% sensational rumors, 50% malicious gossip and 10% first hand accounts. People say that even the teachers are wary of her, going as far to avoid waking her when she sleeps in class and that she never shows any emotion except for annoyance, arrogance and a poised neutrality.
Jessica Jung, everyone’s wet dream and nobody’s friend (with one exception).
For Sooyoung, it’s all amusing small talk, these buzzing rumors about the girl and she’s rarely one to care about gossip regarding someone she doesn't think she'll ever talk to.
Her entrance into the aisle alerts Jessica from her grieving and she raises her head to peer from between her thin arms which are wrapped around her head. Her teary eyes harden into a challenging glare, cold and defiant, readying to take on mockery and pity. Arrogance still manages to find a way to her features, despite her distress, as she sneers.
Sooyoung ignores it to the best of her ability and walks towards this seemingly fragile huddled jumble of limbs in the corner. For a moment the two stare at each other, appraising the situation. Jessica’s glare only seems to freeze further and further and Sooyoung is quite certain the girl has absolutely no idea who she is. She raises her arms and spreads them wide, giving Jessica a small smile. “Would you like a hug?”
Jessica immediately scoffs, the hardness in her eyes shifting slightly. “What is this, some cheesy chick flick? You don’t really think that would work do you?”
Sooyoung shrugs, undeterred. “It got you to stop glaring at me didn’t it? Besides, asking you if everything’s alright is kind of stupid seeing as how you’re obviously not.”
Jessica starts to rub at her face with the sleeve of her jacket and Sooyoung takes that moment to sit down next to her. Jessica pauses mid rub to stare at Sooyoung's sudden proximity.
“What do you want?” Jessica manages to steel her eyes once more but Sooyoung barely feels the bite this time around.
“That’s what I should be asking you. You end up crying in public you should expect people to want to help you.”
Jessica gives Sooyoung a measured look, disbelief clear across her pretty features. “You think too highly of people.” A weary truth rings in her voice and Sooyoung's already piecing together pieces of this unfinished story in her mind.
“Maybe,” Sooyoung agrees with a casual shrug. “Let me rephrase that. You end up crying near me, you should expect me to want to help you. That's how I am.”
“You can't help me.” Jessica laughs then, and it's nothing like laughter should sound. It's so mocking and so very sad. Her small hands clench tightly around the cellphone in her hand, something Sooyoung doesn't miss.
She gestures towards the device with her chin. “Did you receive a bad text from someone?”
Jessica slides the phone in her pocket, and ignores the question, head turned away stubbornly.
“I can do this all night, you know. So let me help you. What is it? Boyfriend problems?”
Sooyoung's light teasing causes an uncomfortable stiffness in Jessica's spine and when the other girl finally faces her, a murderous spark flares briefly in her eyes.
“You don’t know me.”
And just like that, Jessica freezes up completely, face blank and solid. It’s a sobering reminder for Sooyoung, that just because she got to witness a small moment of weakness from the famed Jessica Jung doesn’t mean they can suddenly be friends.
Because who is Sooyoung really? To Jessica? To the world that Jessica lives in? Nobody.
A heavy sigh escapes her and she ruffles her hair in irritation. Nobody said helping people would be easy and Sooyoung suddenly feels more tired than she should be at six in the evening. Jessica's unapproachable nature seems to be more self enforced than implied and Sooyoung wonders if she's really committed to breaking down the layers. She stands up and decides to test a theory. “Well, I’m sorry to have taken up your time, then. At least you're no longer crying. Good bye.” She turns and makes a show of her steps, walking well paced and slow but not nearly fast enough.
“Wait.” Jessica commands rather than pleads but Sooyoung is starting to read between the lines.
“What is it?”
“If I really needed your help, would you give it?”
Sooyoung kneels in front of Jessica and keeps her voice sincere. “If I can, then yeah.”
“Love me.” There is no hesitation in Jessica's order. Neither is there in Sooyoung's response.
“You’re crazy.”
Sooyoung has no idea what could have possibly compelled Jessica to ask such a thing and the words themselves seemed laden with a million different possibilities.
“It’s not unreasonable,” Jessica retorts. “Besides, you said you’d help.”
“You can’t just expect a stranger to be able to love you that easily.”
“You don’t know me.” This time she says it so naturally that Sooyoung can only treat it as fact. The sentence is stripped of malice and accusations; it’s the cold hard truth.
Jessica grabs her hand and places it over her chest. The sudden act of intimacy stuns Sooyoung and she almost can't believe her hand is where it is.
“You don’t know me,” Jessica repeats, “so what does it matter if you break me?”
Sooyoung snatches her hand away. “Because I’m not like that.”
“You said you’d help.”
“If I could.” Sooyoung's opinion of Jessica is starting to change more and more and she's not particularly sure how she feels about it. “Love isn’t always a one sided deal, in this case it involves you.”
“And?”
“Do you even like girls?” Sooyoung asks, exasperated.
“I'm not against the idea. Are you?”
Sooyoung snorts. “ I'm a lesbian. And that's not the point. How can I know how to love you if I don’t know how you would feel in return?”
Jessica looks thoughtful. “If I didn’t love you?”
Sooyoung ponders for a bit and then replies truthfully. “Then I’d find a way to change your feelings.”
“And if I did?”
“I would never leave your side.”
Sooyoung's dating history may not be all that extensive and she may not have to deal with suitors daily but she knows what she wants when it comes to romance. Yoona likes to call her a sap but Sooyoung sees no problem with that.
“So you'll do it?”
Sooyoung sighs. “Only if you tell me why you were crying.”
Jessica looks away at the request before nodding slightly. Sooyoung sits down and waits.
For a moment it seems like Jessica isn't going to say anything and she seems content to stare at the ground. Her long hair falls over her face and her hands plays with the phone in her pocket.
“I’m a terrible friend,” Jessica finally mumbles, words soft and weak as if she didn't want to believe them.
Sooyoung can only guess what the confession means. “Is this about Tiffany?”
“You know Tiffany?”
Tiffany Hwang is Jessica’s only best friend and just as famous if not for other reasons. While just as pretty and perhaps just as rich, Tiffany’s fame mainly came from her approachability and kindness. Constantly volunteering, helping out and donating, the other girl easily attracted other’s admiration. Her words are kind and warm and everyone feels like they could be her friend.
“She's as popular as you are.”
“She's much more popular than I am. Tiffany is lovable and easy to talk to. I’m just an unapproachable bitch. Once you get that out of the way, what’s left? The mystery is gone and no one cares anymore. All of my boyfriends end up breaking up with me whereas Tiffany can actually keep a stable relationship.”
“So you're jealous.”
“ No,” Jessica denies instinctively, only to pause. “ Yes.”
“Have you talked to her about this?”
“If I did that I'd end up hating her. She'd be all understanding and nice and it doesn't matter if I were hate her she'd still be my friend. Seeing that side of her would only make me hate myself more.”
“You really think me loving you is a solution?”
“I haven't met anyone else who looks like they'd be willing to try. You came to help me, didn't you?”
There's nothing Sooyoung can say to that so she nods wearily. Yoona is going to laugh herself hoarse when she hears about this.
Big heart indeed.
---
They exchange numbers but neither call each other that night or in the morning. They don't know each other's schedules or their lunch plans or how Jessica plans to deal with her peers' reactions to Sooyoung sudden presence in her midst.
Jessica doesn't seem to care about any of that. She had given Sooyoung the command and all of the responsibility now lay with her; Jessica is now the receiver.
So Sooyoung doesn't call and tries not to think about it because her homework and tests seem more important for her brain at the moment and when he sees Jessica on campus the next day surrounded by her friends she almost walks by like she would have usually done. But then she remembers the crying girl from last night, the stubborn girl who had parted with a piece of herself and actually reached out for help. The girl who may be surrounded by people and fame but really felt alone.
It was a mistake not to call Jessica that night, because if Sooyoung really loves her, there would be no hesitation. She would not care about the judging looks or the curious gazes, she'd just want to be next to Jessica at all times. She'd want to text her and talk to her and meet up with her in the mornings and walk her to and from class and just be there for her.
So she walks, determined and steadfast towards the small group.
Jessica’s back is to her and it is Tiffany who sees her first, Tiffany whose eyes become a lit with question.
Sooyoung wraps her arms around Jessica and rests her chin on her head, letting the feminine yet pleasant scent surround her. Jessica is warm and soft and Sooyoung resists the urge to sigh at how relaxed she suddenly feels. Jessica however, tenses up quickly in a short burst, unused to the sudden invasion of her personal space. But then, the tenseness subsides and Jessica leans into her, their bodies melding into one.