“Bait? Why would you need me? You’ve got your friends for that!”
The maniacal sound of Lindsey's voice haunts me in the elevator while I attempt to block out any associations I'm currently having with elevators, Lindsey, or kissing. His taunt is savage though, and continues to ring in my ears the whole ride up to the main floor. I am not using my friends. I'm trying to help them. I'm trying to help everyone. Maybe I should be using Lindsey as bait... Hamilton already thinks it's weird that I've had him out of his cell. He'd probably smell a rat, which would be tough considering he is one, but still, more risky than just being bait. But it's Lindsey...why should I care if he sniffs Lindsey out. Because then he sniffs your plan out, dumbass. Right. Exactly. Not because I care what happens to Lindsey. Right. That's it
( ... )
Illyria had left somewhere in the middle of my research annex drinking binge. Muttering something about me not being entertaining enough and she was going to seek it elsewhere. Which was fine by me. I wasn't here to be everyone's bloody entertainment, no matter how it looked
( ... )
I ignore Wes's little jab about playing and move into the room. I assume he means Lindsey, but we are not going to go there. Brushing past Illyria I leave the door open, hoping she- no, it will take the hint. That isn't Fred, I keep reminding myself. It stays next to the ficus even after Wes suggests she go play with Spike, and I make a face. "Look, Illyria, I don't care what you command, get out." The last bit comes out as almost a growl, because God-king or not it needs to get it through it's head that I'm in charge around here. And none of us need to see Fred's face...like this. If Illyria thinks that Wes is going to stop drinking with that face staring at him all the time, it is pretty damned mistaken. Illyria seems annoyed, but she looks at Wesley and then leaves
( ... )
I didn’t even look up when he started to order Illyria around. Always the boss, always the alpha male. Everyone must take his orders. And fool that I am, I take them as he dishes them out. I just stand there and take it all in, lock it up inside and throw away the key. Because it was Angel. Because I’d do almost anything for him. Would let him do almost anything to me. He’d hurt me many times before, and there would be more. Why was I just going to sit there and take it? It angered me, but there was must something that stopped me from stopping him
( ... )
I stand up, my hand ripped from his body. From his warm, racing body. The loss of contact feels like a gash in time, but I have to move. With Wes it's like being cornered when he gets that look in his eye. I could touch him again and again and never rub that glaring look from his face when I manage to say everything wrong.
Atonement's a bitch.
But I can never atone with Wes. It's not him who needs forgiveness, it's me. Every time I speak, move, touch, anything, it's like I throw razors at him without meaning to.
He tells me not to lie to him and I want to get angry and through it back in his face, make him hurt for what he’s done, but I can’t. He’s right. I’ve lied, we’ve both lied and that should be the end of it. We should start fresh. I do trust him...I just don’t know if I should.
Can I tell him? Can he forgive me for The Circle of the Black Thorn? He's better in the dark, I'm sure. Safer. Maybe. Maybe it's time we both learned from our mistakes. Secrets and lies never helped any of us. Connor...his
( ... )
Startled, I blinked and looked up confused as Angel suddenly pulled away. I stared at the now empty spot on my knee, wishing there was still a lingering feeling of his touch. But there was no heat when there should’ve been. Only the mere memory of the comforting weight there. I slowly reached my hand out, putting it over the spot as though trying to figure out if there really had been a comforting touch. A wave of hurt went through me when I realized that Angel must’ve not realized what he was doing and when he did pulled away so fast…
He must be really disgusted with me.
I tensed my jaw and glanced down to the hands I’d now folded in my lap. Blinking several times to take away the sting in my eyes, that small bit of moist trying to gather there. I wasn’t going to cry. He’s never seen me cry, I needed to be the strong one always. The last time I cried was when I lost….Fred. But what if I lost him too? Don’t fool yourself. You’ve lost him the moment you lied to him in Pylea. The moment you took Connor away. The moment…. You never
( ... )
It feels good to be next to him, but it won't last. I'll manage to kill him somehow. And that light and heat that's Wes will be gone. Sooner than later. I can't keep this distance between us. I think our knees bump or my fingers brush his leg as I twist towards him but I'm not sure. It's too fleeting. It's all too fleeting
( ... )
I frowned when he suddenly turned toward me. Torn between jumping away and pulling him closer. Some part of his body connected with mine, and I had to grit my teeth to stop myself from demanding more. That part was over, I had no right. He had no…. need. He’s moved on, though he never really paused with me now did he? It was I who’d hit the breaks hard when it came to them. I never realized what a chain reaction that would give. What an incredible mess that would create.
Focus here, Pryce, he’s trying to tell you something and we all know how good Angel is with words.
I know I turned about as white as a sheet when he said we were no longer friends. We’d been living a lie. My stomach turned and my hands clenched into fists. It was a lie, it had been a lie. Thank to the changing of memories. “Only because you never gave us a chance,” I muttered, knowing full well that things might’ve not worked out then either. But we didn’t know, did we? And we would never know
( ... )
Nothing to get even about? Now I know he’s not thinking right. A light goes on, finally. He thinks he deserved to be smothered? “Wes, I forgive you. I did a long time ago. Believe me. What you did wasn’t your fault. Clean slate, okay?” He keeps punishing himself even after all this time. I pull him a little tighter to me. This is the last thing he should be worried about. What’s done is done. Connor’s gone, but he’s alive, and if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I miss him, but Wes is right here and I miss him more. He’s right there next to that ache for Cordelia
( ... )
Let it all out, he says. I almost want to laugh bitterly at that. Let it al out. I can hear my fathers voice berating me for allowing me to let it slide this far. Accepting comfort from a bloody vampire of all things. And not just any vampire, no, the scourge of Europe no less. Father would crucify me alive and burn me on a stake just for that. Well, he’ll probably disown me, but only because he can’t get away with the first. I hope. Actually, I don’t really care
( ... )
He looks so young and lost trying desperately to wipe the tears away. I watch the column of his throat as he swallows, and then track his tongue when it darts out suddenly. Kiss him My body is telling me, yes, yes, yes, but I can't help thinking, no, no, no. This is comfort, that's all. I can't help but notice my head moving in closer and I can feel his breath on my face, quick and hot
( ... )
This is pathetic. The last time I cried was when F-Fred died. Was ripped way, burned from the inside out and that blue thing took over. And now all it takes is Angel’s arms to make me nearly break down. I’ll not do it though, I can’t. To much to let go off. Not just Fred, but years and years of build up anger, frustration, pain just begging to be let out. I can’t do that to him. I can’t do that to anyone.
He is so close by, those familiar lips are so close by. There should be a cool breath on my face, but there’s not. There is no steady heartbeat under the hand on his chest. There is no warmth seeping through from his skin. Yet, he’s more alive to me then anyone else in this building. The rest are dead, walking zombies, much like myself I suspect. He is the only thing I’ve left, the only one. I cannot trust Charles any longer. I’ve no idea where Lorne is. I hardly know Spike and then there’s Illyria. There’s only him left.
So what was he doing messing around with that lawyer with then? Answers me boy! I don’t know father, I don’t
( ... )
I was so ready to let him go, push him away, to try to slink away, but when he puts his hands on my face and gives me that sad, wistful smile, my heart breaks. His eyes search mine and I wonder what he's looking for, or what I'm looking for, but all I can see is that blue and the tiny hint of a smile. A smile I've been missing for far too long
( ... )
It's astounding how free and save his kisses make me feel. How his touch makes me feel alive. How his words, his voice makes me feel no longer alone. I'm afraid, so very afraid of doing the wrong thing again. Of saying something that'll make him push me away again. I have this for now, but it's not enough. It won't ever be enough.
I need him. I've always needed him. But I've never needed him more then I need him now. And I know that I shouldn't cling onto him like this. It can't be healthy for either of us, but I'm not about to let go. If anyone is capable of anchoring me into this world again, it's him. Now that Fred no longer is here to do so, I need him. It's always been him, you foolWhen we finally pull back, I can't stop myself from nibbling on his bottom lip for a moment. Prolonging the inevitable of having to pull away for a few mere seconds. Panting hard, I stare into those brown eyes, wondering if there will be any rejection in them. I'd been expecting it from Fred, but she hadn't done it. Oddly enough, I wasn't expecting it
( ... )
I actually gasp when he tugs at my lip, his teeth light on my mouth, and I grip him tighter. I wiggle a little underneath, not sure if I'm trying to get closer or further away from his body melting against me. And when he breaths my name and gives the slightest shiver it feels like my whole body is on fire. This man is mine. I rock my hips against him, unable to hold back. My mouth at his throat and the response he's given to it have set my demon on pins and needles. It's hungry for more, I'm hungry for more. Just the feel of Wes on top of me makes me feel the hunger that's been building all these years
( ... )
Nearly snorting at his words, I resist the urge to roll my eyes. It's just me. Is he kidding? Of course he is. I'm not perfect happiness to him. I'm not perfect happiness for anyone. Everyone I love dies in the end. Cordelia, Lilah....Fred. I guess in some very ironic way, I guess it's someone's idea of a cosmic joke to have me love Angel. He's already dead, I can't really kill him can I
( ... )
I can see his surprise when I pull him back to me, and it stings a little that he would think that I wouldn't want him. But I can see how it might seem that way to him, so I pull him in closer still. Even that short moment he was trying to pull away was too far. It was stupid to think I could stop myself. To think that I wouldn't hurt him when I was trying so hard not to. Hurting Wes is unavoidable, so if giving him this one tiny thing makes both of us happy for even a moment then how can I not? If I can see that smile through all this chaos, then why shouldn't I? Forget the past, the future. Wes is here. Now. And he wants this. I think
( ... )
He seems to think over my words for quite a long time. I can feel the doubt creeping in again. Those little voice that are never really quiet starting to whisper louder. He doesn’t really want me. He knows how much I want him. Maybe he’s always known. And now he’s just humoring me. I’m no one’s charity case. And certainly not his. Not like I have been in the past, no matter how much I tried to make up for that. Give him back what he’s given me
( ... )
His body responds so wantonly, and I know this was the right decision. But I can barely think when runs his fingers over my stomach again while his tongue slides deep into my mouth. When he finally has to pull away for air, my eyes are glued to him. Watching him panting, lips full from our kiss, I wonder how I could have denied myself something so beautiful for so long
( ... )
Right here. Damn straight he is. Well, not so much straight. Come on, Pryce, keep your mind from wandering again. I really need to find that off switch. God, I'd love that, just peace and quiet for a while. No thinking, no pain, no responsibility. And as I look into Angel's eyes, I'm thinking he might just be that off switch, he's just what I need
( ... )
Comments 47
The maniacal sound of Lindsey's voice haunts me in the elevator while I attempt to block out any associations I'm currently having with elevators, Lindsey, or kissing. His taunt is savage though, and continues to ring in my ears the whole ride up to the main floor. I am not using my friends. I'm trying to help them. I'm trying to help everyone. Maybe I should be using Lindsey as bait... Hamilton already thinks it's weird that I've had him out of his cell. He'd probably smell a rat, which would be tough considering he is one, but still, more risky than just being bait. But it's Lindsey...why should I care if he sniffs Lindsey out. Because then he sniffs your plan out, dumbass. Right. Exactly. Not because I care what happens to Lindsey. Right. That's it ( ... )
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Atonement's a bitch.
But I can never atone with Wes. It's not him who needs forgiveness, it's me. Every time I speak, move, touch, anything, it's like I throw razors at him without meaning to.
He tells me not to lie to him and I want to get angry and through it back in his face, make him hurt for what he’s done, but I can’t. He’s right. I’ve lied, we’ve both lied and that should be the end of it. We should start fresh. I do trust him...I just don’t know if I should.
Can I tell him? Can he forgive me for The Circle of the Black Thorn? He's better in the dark, I'm sure. Safer. Maybe. Maybe it's time we both learned from our mistakes. Secrets and lies never helped any of us. Connor...his ( ... )
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He must be really disgusted with me.
I tensed my jaw and glanced down to the hands I’d now folded in my lap. Blinking several times to take away the sting in my eyes, that small bit of moist trying to gather there. I wasn’t going to cry. He’s never seen me cry, I needed to be the strong one always. The last time I cried was when I lost….Fred. But what if I lost him too? Don’t fool yourself. You’ve lost him the moment you lied to him in Pylea. The moment you took Connor away. The moment…. You never ( ... )
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Focus here, Pryce, he’s trying to tell you something and we all know how good Angel is with words.
I know I turned about as white as a sheet when he said we were no longer friends. We’d been living a lie. My stomach turned and my hands clenched into fists. It was a lie, it had been a lie. Thank to the changing of memories. “Only because you never gave us a chance,” I muttered, knowing full well that things might’ve not worked out then either. But we didn’t know, did we? And we would never know ( ... )
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He is so close by, those familiar lips are so close by. There should be a cool breath on my face, but there’s not. There is no steady heartbeat under the hand on his chest. There is no warmth seeping through from his skin. Yet, he’s more alive to me then anyone else in this building. The rest are dead, walking zombies, much like myself I suspect. He is the only thing I’ve left, the only one. I cannot trust Charles any longer. I’ve no idea where Lorne is. I hardly know Spike and then there’s Illyria. There’s only him left.
So what was he doing messing around with that lawyer with then? Answers me boy! I don’t know father, I don’t ( ... )
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I need him. I've always needed him. But I've never needed him more then I need him now. And I know that I shouldn't cling onto him like this. It can't be healthy for either of us, but I'm not about to let go. If anyone is capable of anchoring me into this world again, it's him. Now that Fred no longer is here to do so, I need him. It's always been him, you foolWhen we finally pull back, I can't stop myself from nibbling on his bottom lip for a moment. Prolonging the inevitable of having to pull away for a few mere seconds. Panting hard, I stare into those brown eyes, wondering if there will be any rejection in them. I'd been expecting it from Fred, but she hadn't done it. Oddly enough, I wasn't expecting it ( ... )
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