Atlantis Fic - A Home Far O'er the Deep (Beckett/Zelenka)
Here's my creation for the Carson Beckett Slash Requestathon.
I wrote for icie:
Preferred Partner (or group): Radek
Secondary Partner (or group): Rodney or Rodney/Radek
Genre (dark, humour, etc): romance, angst, dark
Two prompts (single words): water, shine
Many thanks to zortified for the beta and advice.
Beckett/Zelenka, NC-17. 5200 words. Set some time during early S2.
A Home Far O'er the Deep
Carson was eating his breakfast and thinking longingly of home and a proper cup of tea when someone touched his sleeve. He looked up to see Radek Zelenka holding a tray.
"May I join you, Doctor Beckett?" Zelenka asked.
"Aye. But only if you'll call me Carson." Looking around, Carson realized that the cafeteria was as close to full as he'd seen it. "Bit crowded this morning."
"Yes." Zelenka sat and spread his napkin out onto his lap before starting to eat. "I often take my meals in the lab, but today I thought I would try something different. Change my habits."
"I tend to eat here," Carson said.
"But you do not sit with friends?" Zelenka asked. His eyes were surprisingly knowing.
Carson didn't know how to answer that; to tell the truth made him sound like a recluse, which he certainly wasn't, and he didn't want to lie. "I'm not usually here for very long," he said finally, since that was at least honest.
Zelenka watched him thoughtfully over the rim of his cup. "You're a busy man," he said.
"We're all busy here," Carson said. "If I'm not mistaken, I've seen you working long hours on more than one occasion."
"Have you?" Zelenka sounded pleased, and the look he gave Carson was rather blatantly interested.
Carson felt himself flush. It was something he'd always been prone to, and he'd done his best to overcome it when he'd been a schoolboy. There was nothing more embarrassing than turning red and stammering when face to face with someone you had a crush on, and he'd lost more than one opportunity because of his inability to control his reactions. Now, with what he was quite sure was attention being directed toward him -- something that he'd never been aware of before -- he found himself unsure of what to do. "You'll have to excuse me," he said, standing and picking up his tray. "I've just remembered I have something to check on in the infirmary. It... it was very nice to talk with you."
Like a coward, Carson fled.
* * *
Over the next few weeks, Zelenka -- Radek, as he'd asked Carson to call him -- found several excuses to stop by the infirmary when Carson was there. Once, it was with a slice of cake that someone had managed to bake. "I did not want you to miss out," Radek explained, setting the plate down beside Carson's elbow.
"It looks like chocolate," Carson said, sniffing it warily.
"I assure you, it is not." Radek offered Carson a fork. "But it is the closest thing I've had to real cake for some time."
"Thank you," Carson said. "It was very kind of you. To think of me."
"I spend a great deal of time thinking of you," Radek said. Carson's expression must have reflected his surprise and dismay, because Radek immediately took a step back, toward the door. He sounded embarrassed when he said, "I'm sorry. I'll leave you to your work."
The slice of cake did little to remove the bitter taste from Carson's mouth. He was ready with an apology the next time he ran into Radek, even though this time it was in the hallway. "Could I...?" Carson tried, putting out a hand to stop Radek without actually touching him. "I'm sorry. About the other day."
Radek shook his head. "No... it is I who should apologize."
"You already did," Carson pointed out.
"Then I will do so again. I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable."
"You didn't," Carson denied, then felt himself flush. "Well, all right, you did, but it wasn't you; it was me."
Radek looked uncertain. "That... is a joke?"
"No!" Painfully aware that they were standing in a corridor with people passing by and giving them curious glances, Carson tried to think quickly. "I wouldn't joke about something like that."
"No; of course you would not. I am sorry." Radek straightened his glasses in a way that Carson found strangely endearing and nodded.
"Well... I should really..." Carson knew that he should explain further -- that he should reassure Radek that he was interested -- but he seemed incapable of it, which made him feel like a fool.
"Yes, yes. I am sure you have work to do, as do I," Radek said. "Thank you."
Carson was left wondering what the hell had just happened.
* * *
It certainly wasn't that he didn't like Radek. It wasn't even that he was afraid of getting involved with someone in Atlantis, although there was definitely some hesitation because of the fact that they were living in such an insular community; Carson had had more than a few one night stands, but never with anyone he'd known, and the thought of seeing someone with whom he'd been intimate on a regular basis was a bit disconcerting.
But mostly it was that he had no idea where to begin.
He was examining the slides he'd made of the Wraith cells when he sensed more than heard someone standing behind him.
"I am sorry to bother you," Radek said as Carson turned to look at him. Radek was holding one hand in the other, cradling it.
"What happened?" Carson asked, standing up and reaching for Radek's hand, dismissing the intimacy of the gesture because he was a doctor first and everything else fell somewhere further down the line.
"My hand slipped," Radek said. He sounded embarrassed.
There was a thick splinter deep beneath the skin at the base of Radek's thumb. The edges of the wound were rough and bloodied. "Did you try to dig it out with a screwdriver?" Carson asked disapprovingly, sitting Radek down and going to find his tweezers.
"No; a very fine probe. But I do not think they were well suited for the job." Radek held his hand still as Carson dabbed the area with antiseptic, deftly pulled out the splinter -- which appeared to be a sliver of metal rather than wood -- and then disinfected the wound properly.
"That should take care of it," Carson said, taping on a bandage. "Keep it clean, and if you see any signs of infection, be sure to let me know immediately."
"I will," Radek said. He stood up, holding the hand in front of him awkwardly as if he couldn't decide what to do with it. "Thank you."
"It's not a problem." Carson smiled tentatively. "It's what I'm here for."
* * *
He didn't see Radek again for a few days, which seemed strange, as the man had been turning up where Carson was at least twice a day for some time. Then he bumped into him -- literally -- just outside the infirmary, the two of them colliding in a way that probably would have made John Cleese and Graham Chapman proud. "Sorry!" they both said at the same time.
"It was my fault," Radek said.
"No, no, it was mine," Carson said.
Radek gestured with his still-bandaged hand. "I was not certain if I should remove it. I thought, maybe...?"
Carson hesitated for a heartbeat before nodding. "Come inside and I'll take a look at it."
It was late, the infirmary quiet and nearly empty. Carson sat Radek down and untaped the bandage carefully, easing the tape away from the skin. The wound beneath was small and appeared to be healing well; Carson brushed his thumb over it lightly, and Radek exhaled, a little sigh that sounded uncertain.
"Does it hurt?" Carson asked.
"No," Radek said, raising his eyes and meeting Carson's gaze. His expression was yearning and so open that Carson couldn't look at him -- he looked down at Radek's hand again instead. With a trembling finger, Carson traced the lines on Radek's palm. Felt the warmth of the other man's skin, the places where it was calloused.
"I'm not sure what you want from me," Carson whispered.
"You are," Radek murmured. "You know. You may not be ready -- and I will give you as much time as you need to make a decision; I am not going anywhere, am I?" Carson could hear the smile in his voice and glanced up, seeing the warmth there and feeling it reflected in his own chest, like Radek radiated heat. "I would like to spend time with you."
"I'm very busy," Carson said. It wasn't a refusal. "My schedule can be very erratic..."
"I understand," Radek said gently. "I'm not asking for anything you cannot give."
Carson realized that he was still holding Radek's hand, and that doing so felt comforting. "I..."
"You need some time," Radek said, pulling his hand away from Carson's as if reluctant to do so. "I understand."
"It's not -- " Carson said, almost desperately, but it was that he needed more time. Radek was right; he wasn't ready, even though he wasn't even certain what it was he wasn't ready for. "I'm sorry."
"No," Radek said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Do not be sorry. Be sure. I will wait."
Watching Radek leave the infirmary, Carson couldn't help but wonder for how long.
* * *
Carson was asleep in his quarters when he was suddenly jolted awake. "Doctor Beckett! There's been an accident in one of the labs -- there are several injuries, one critical."
He was up and running for the infirmary before he could think. He had to pass the lab in question on the way, and was horrified to realize that it was the one Radek worked in most frequently; the cold, hard clench of fear in his chest told him just how much he cared, and he cursed that it took circumstances like these for him to admit it to himself.
The smoke was thick and bitter in the hallway, but in the infirmary the air was clear; the systems kept it filtered. The first thing Carson saw as he ran through the doorway was Radek, his face smudged and bloodied, sitting on a bed with one of the med techs checking him over. Their eyes met, and Carson breathed.
"It's Doctor McKay, sir," someone else said to him, and the momentary relief Carson had felt at seeing Radek alive was lost in the frantic rush to save Rodney's life.
The unexpected explosion that had rocked the lab had sent a thick piece of metal into Rodney's abdomen, severing dozens of blood vessels and causing serious damage to a number of major organs. The surgery to piece him back together again took more than ten hours, and by the time it was over, Carson was shaking with fatigue and the emotional hit of having to work on a friend. He stripped off his filthy scrubs and sank down onto a chair, cradling his head in his arms, grateful for a moment of quiet after the long hours in the operating room.
Someone came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. "How is he?" Radek asked.
Carson couldn't chance lifting his head; he was too close to tears. "Stable, for now," he managed. "But it could go either way."
Radek's other hand settled on Carson's other shoulder and squeezed. "You did your best. No one could expect more."
"Even if it's not enough?" Carson swallowed back his emotions and sat up, turning to look at Radek. "How badly were you hurt?"
There was a small, neat bandage on Radek's forehead. "Just a small cut," he said. "Most of the blood was Rodney's." He looked sad and worried, and it occurred to Carson that the man might have been sitting in the infirmary all night, waiting for word.
"You should go and get some sleep," Carson said, reaching out tentatively to touch Radek's arm.
"So should you," Radek countered.
Carson shook his head. "I should be here."
Radek took Carson's hand in his and held it, studying his face. "You will do no one any good if you are too exhausted to stand." He frowned. "Wait here."
Unable to do much more than stare at the floor, Carson waited. Radek went across the room and spoke to one of the nurses, who called over another doctor. The three of them conferred briefly, nodding, and then Radek came back.
"You are relieved of duty," Radek said, "and you are not to come back until you've slept. I will walk you to your quarters."
Carson didn't have the energy to argue, and he knew that his likely reaction to anything going wrong with Rodney at that point would be to collapse into tears. Radek was right; that wouldn't help anyone, least of all Rodney.
He was on his feet and walking down the hallway with Radek at his elbow, one hand on the small of his back to guide him. Carson felt as if he needed it; without it, he was walking blind.
"Here," Radek said, pausing in the doorway to Carson's quarters. "You will sleep?"
Carson turned his head and looked at Radek, whose eyes were kind and thoughtful. He knew that Radek was waiting for a response, but he couldn't think what it might be. He felt numb and sick.
"Come." Radek ushered him inside and over to the bed, then sat him down on the edge and knelt to remove Carson's shoes. Carson let him, watching helplessly, so weary that he was afraid if he blinked he'd fall asleep sitting up. He ran a hand through his hair and grimaced, realizing that it had been soaked with sweat and dried that way.
"I need a shower," he said ruefully. He was too tired to do it, but he didn't think he could sleep the way he was.
"Then go." Radek got him onto his feet and pushed him gently toward the bathroom. "You have everything you need? I will wait."
Under the hot water, Carson discovered that he felt both better and worse. Rodney's condition was even more serious than he'd led Radek to believe -- Rodney had nearly bled out before they'd got a transfusion into him, and his heart had stopped twice on the operating table. The damage to his body had been catastrophic. Overwhelmed, Carson leant against the shower wall and put his hands over his face, concentrating only on breathing.
"Carson?" Radek's voice, tentative, from the doorway. "Are you all right?"
Carson found himself unable to answer.
Closer now, as if Radek had stepped over the threshold. "Tell me you are all right, and I will leave you to bathe in peace."
A sob welled up in Carson's chest, his throat and eyes burning with it despite the clean water washing away the tears that spilled over his cheeks.
"I am coming in," Radek warned, and Carson broke, turning blindly to face the other man as he stepped, fully clothed, into the shower beside him and put both arms around him, holding on. "It will be all right," Radek murmured, smoothing back Carson's wet hair. "I'm here."
"I'm just... so bloody knackered," Carson managed.
"I know," Radek said, his voice impossibly gentle and understanding. "I know."
Afterward, Carson was more embarrassed about Radek's wet clothing than his own nudity. "I'm sure I have something you can wear," he said, as Radek stripped down efficiently, the sight of pale brown nipples and lean limbs making Carson blush and look away.
"That would be good," Radek said, straightening up.
Carson felt shaky and worn out, and just then he wanted nothing less than to spend the night alone. "Unless..." He wanted to ask Radek to stay, but he didn't know if that was fair, not when he still wasn't sure. But Radek must have seen the question in his eyes.
"Would you like me to stay until you fall asleep?"
"I'd like you to stay the night," Carson said, because it was the truth.
"Nothing," Radek said, "would please me more."
The bed wasn't really wide enough for two, but awkwardly they managed to settle in. Radek put both arms around Carson, slowly, as if unsure that the embrace would be accepted. But Carson closed his eyes and pressed his face to Radek's shoulder, shivering with more than cold, and Radek held him more tightly, running a hand over his hair. "You will feel better when you have slept," Radek said softly.
"If they need me..." Carson started.
"Then you will go," Radek said. "For now, sleep."
Carson nodded, breathing in the scent of Radek's skin and finding nothing erotic in it; he was too weary. Even still, he didn't expect to sleep any time soon, and was surprised when he found himself drifting off, Radek's hand a comfort on the back of his neck.
* * *
When he woke up, he'd lost all sense of time, and stretched a sleep-heavy hand toward the radio he'd left on the table beside the bed. Radek's voice stopped him. "I checked half an hour ago," Radek said. "Rodney is stable, and slightly improved."
The tension rushed out of Carson with a sigh. "Thank God."
"Yes," Radek said. At some point, Carson had turned over and draped an arm over Radek; his chest was pressed to Radek's back. "Did you sleep?"
"Aye." Carson moved his hand lightly over Radek's chest. "I didn't expect to, but I did."
"Good." Radek sounded satisfied as Carson explored, feeling Radek's chest hairs crisp against his palm. Tentatively, Carson rubbed his lower lip across the soft skin at the back of Radek's shoulder, his own breath wafting back toward him, warm and reassuring. Radek made an encouraging sound, pressing himself more tightly to Carson, and Carson's body responded immediately with more interest than he'd have expected, considering the day he'd had.
He slid his hand down to Radek's stomach, then to his hip, feeling the hard edge of the pelvic bone beneath the skin and taking note of Radek's indrawn breath as his fingertips skirted the groin area to travel down to Radek's thigh.
"No," Radek said softly, and Carson pulled his hand away instantly, opening his mouth to apologize, but Radek was already turning in his arms to face him, gaze earnest. "I did not mean for you to stop," Radek breathed.
"Then why...?"
Radek shifted, urged Carson with gentle hands to roll onto his back, stroked his brow. "I would like to look at you. May I?"
Carson nodded, licking his lips nervously as Radek pushed the covers down and ran his eyes over Carson's bare body with such careful attention that it was almost like being touched. Radek sat up, the covers pooling in his lap as he studied Carson. Slowly, he reached out a hand and touched Carson's chest, his palm resting flat as Carson inhaled and exhaled. Light, questing fingers ghosted over his skin.
Just when he thought he wouldn't be able to keep still any longer, Radek lay down beside him again, looking into his eyes. "Come here," Radek whispered, and drew him close before kissing him.
Inhaling shakily against Radek's lips, Carson felt his body respond with an almost painful rush of lust. Radek was gentle but insistent, hand skimming down along Carson's back until it settled at his waist. His mouth tasted strangely familiar, and when he finally pulled back a bit, Carson made a small, involuntary sound of disappointment and pressed forward against him.
"There is no hurry," Radek said. His eyes were dark and serious. "We will do nothing unless you want it."
"I do want it," Carson murmured. "I want you."
That seemed to be enough for Radek, who returned to kissing Carson as if he were starving for it, desperately eager but also doing his best to stay in control if the gentleness of his hands on Carson was any indication. "I have wanted you for so long," Radek said.
The press of Radek's body against his own was so incredible that Carson felt light-headed. "Don't stop," he gasped, when Radek scraped teeth along the column of his throat. "Please."
Radek slid down and mouthed wetly at the head of Carson's erection, and Carson shut his eyes and groaned. The other man's mouth was hot, talented, each flick of his tongue making Carson ache. It had been a long time since he'd been with anyone, but he was tense enough that he didn't believe he'd come too soon -- at least, until Radek's tongue rasped over the sensitive skin of Carson's balls and made him cry out, clutching at a handful of blanket with more desperation than he'd expected to feel.
When Radek took him in deep and sucked hard, Carson came, eyes shut tightly and his breath a series of hoarse pants. Radek gentled him through it and then moved up to kiss him. "You have been too long without release, I think," Radek said softly, his erection against Carson's thigh a firm contradiction to his tone.
"What about you?" Carson asked, sliding a hand downward, but before Radek could reply, Carson's radio beeped. "Damn." He reached for it. "This is Doctor Beckett."
"Doctor McKay's temperature is up half a degree and his pulse rate has increased."
Carson was on his feet and pulling on clothes hastily before she'd even finished speaking. He gave Radek an apologetic glance, but Radek just shook his head. "Go. I will find you later."
"I'll let you know how he is," Carson said, shoving his feet into his boots and heading for the infirmary.
* * *
Rodney was fighting off an infection of some sort, which wasn't truly a surprise under the circumstances. Carson ordered a course of antibiotics and spent the first half of the day monitoring the man closely, but Rodney's condition didn't worsen. Some time in the middle of the afternoon, Carson put his head down on the table in front of him just to rest his eyes and dozed off immediately.
He woke to a soft Czech voice murmuring what sounded like endearments, and lifted his head to see Radek leaning over Rodney's still form on the bed, Radek's hand stroking Rodney's hair tenderly. As Carson watched, Radek bent lower and kissed Rodney's forehead. The touch was far more intimate than friendly, and Carson felt his chest tighten and twist as he watched something that he was surely not meant to see.
Confused, Carson rubbed a hand over his face and glanced at his notes; by the time he looked up again, Radek was patting Rodney's hand and then moving away from the bed. Carson returned his eyes to the papers in front of him but couldn't focus his gaze -- tears blurred his vision and he had to put a hand over his face and breathe through the pain of the realization that Radek had feelings for Rodney that he'd never so much as mentioned.
"Carson?" Radek's hand on his shoulder, and Carson shook his head.
"Not now. I can't." Carson needed time to digest this, and he needed privacy in which to do it.
"Are you all right? You had a very long day yesterday; perhaps you should --"
"Not now," Carson all but snarled, jerking away and going over to check on Rodney's monitors, and after a few moments he heard Radek leave and he leaned against the bed a bit more heavily than he ought to have.
He wouldn't have thought any day could seem as long as the one before it had, but this one was worse even though Rodney was doing as well as could be expected. Carson couldn't stop thinking about how Radek's voice had sounded when he'd murmured to the unconscious Rodney, or about the way Radek had leaned down and kissed him. Were they involved? Carson didn't like to think that might be true and that Radek wouldn't have told him so, but he was too convinced by what he'd seen.
By the time his shift was over, he was wound up enough that he headed immediately for the places Radek was most likely to be. Fortunately, Carson got lucky -- if it could be called that -- and found Radek in the second place he tried.
"We need to talk," Carson said to Radek's back.
Radek's startled expression when he turned around might have been comical under other circumstances. He glanced at the other man he'd been working with, then looked at Carson again and nodded, wiping his hands on a rag. "All right."
Carson waited until they were in the hallway before saying anything else. "Alone."
"Yes, I know." Radek was subdued, wary, and Carson felt a twinge of sympathy -- at least this wasn't easy for either of them. "My quarters are nearby. If you don't mind...?"
"Aye, that's fine." Carson didn't know how this conversation was going to end up, but he did know that he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible either way.
In Radek's quarters, which were surprisingly messy, they stood looking at each other. "I did something to upset you," Radek said.
"I saw you with Rodney," Carson said. "Are the two of you... involved?"
Radek blinked. "No. I was under the impression that you and I were. Or, at least, that we were headed in that direction."
"I saw you," Carson repeated, his voice sharper. "I heard you talking to him."
"I have not lied to you," Radek said calmly. although it seemed clear that he was upset now. "I would not. Rodney and I have been intimate on a few occasions, but we are friends only. That is all."
The relief that Carson felt seemed disproportionately strong; he sat down on the nearest chair. "You're not in love with him?"
"I care for him, as a friend," Radek said. "I am not in love with him." He crouched down in front of Carson and looked at him earnestly. "I'm in love with you."
Carson swallowed. "You are?" He felt foolish and grateful both.
"Yes. I am." Radek rested a hand on Carson's knee.
"I'm very sorry to have doubted you," Carson said, contrite. "I've no excuse for it. Can you forgive me?"
"There is nothing to forgive," Radek protested, but when Carson gave him a look, he relented. "Yes, yes, of course I do. I forgive you. It is not important."
"It is," Carson said. He leaned forward and touched Radek's cheek gently. "I didna mean to hurt you."
"I know. It is not in you, to hurt anyone deliberately. It is one of the reasons I love you." Radek said the words surely, knowingly, as if they were something he'd come to believe so long ago that he didn't have any doubt of their truth.
"I was... surprised," Carson admitted, feeling the rasp of Radek's stubble against his palm. "At how it felt, seeing you with him."
Radek's eyes were a soft blue looking up at him. "You were jealous?"
"Very." Carson didn't think he needed to add that he'd been hurt and angry as well. He slid his hand around to the back of Radek's neck and pulled the other man forward until their lips met.
They kissed slowly, exploring each other's mouths for several minutes, until Radek's hand tightened on Carson's knee and he pulled back with obvious reluctance. "You are not on duty?" he asked.
"No," Carson said, realizing he'd dragged Radek away from his work without so much as asking if it were convenient. "Are you?"
Radek shook his head and smiled. "No. But I am also not as young as I used to be; I would prefer to be somewhere more comfortable. The bed, perhaps?"
Carson nodded, and they kissed their way over to the bed, removing clothing as they went. By the time he lowered Radek down onto the mattress and covered the other man's body with his own, he was hard and wanting, the feel of his erection sliding along the warm skin of Radek's thigh enough to make him gasp.
He'd never fucked another man. He'd been with women, of course, but not for years; somehow with men he'd always wanted to be the one being penetrated. There were times he'd thought it was because he had his hands inside someone's broken, bleeding body too often, to the point where that sensation held a negative association. But now, with Radek writhing slowly beneath him and his erection riding the crease of Radek's thigh, Carson wanted to be inside him. He wanted that to be about something other than pain and destruction and death, something that he could have for himself.
"I've never wanted anyone as much as I want you right now," Carson said, licking Radek's ear and bracing his hands on either side of the other man. His skin felt too tight, the air too hot in his lungs.
Radek's hand squeezed Carson's arse and he groaned. "Then perhaps... perhaps you should fuck me?" Radek suggested breathlessly.
Carson gasped and kissed Radek wetly, tongue probing Radek's mouth. "God, yes." Responsibility made him add, "Do you have anything? Any -- "
"Yes." Radek arched beneath him. "Somewhere. God." A string of words in Czech spilled out, desperate and quick. "Box. Under the -- Carson, please."
It took a matter of moments for Carson to fumble a condom and lube from the cardboard box that was half under the bed; his hands were shaking, and he ended up using a bit more lube than he really needed as he stroked his fingertips over Radek's entrance. Radek whimpered, his eyes locked on Carson's face as he was breached by a fingertip.
"You're so gorgeous," Carson whispered, nearly overcome with a swell of lust and emotion. There was more than a hint of uncertainty behind the desire in Radek's eyes, so he repeated it. "Gorgeous."
Radek pulled him in for another kiss, and then somehow Carson was pushing inside him, muffling his moan against Radek's skin. It was more intense than he'd ever imagined, the heat and pressure so extreme that it was difficult to maintain control. Carson shuddered and breathed, and felt Radek's hands on his back, soothing without words.
He shifted, groaned loudly, caught Radek's lips with his own and kissed him fiercely, trying to concentrate on that rather than on the tight grip of Radek's body around him. "Christ," he gasped. "Oh Christ."
Beneath him, Radek rocked his hips, and Carson was lost. He wasn't capable of anything but moving, of thrusting into Radek and devouring his mouth. Radek's soft cries urged him on, Radek's fingers digging into his arse just fueling the fire as Carson shoved himself toward glorious release. He was dimly aware of Radek's louder groan when the other man came, of the hot spill of it between their bodies, and then he was falling into little pieces, trembling, and Radek's mouth was soft and his hands stroking over Carson's skin put Carson back together.
They lay quietly for a long time with Carson's head cushioned on Radek's shoulder. He knew that he was probably too heavy, but Radek seemed content and Carson couldn't summon up the energy to move.
"You are all right?" Radek asked finally, stroking his hair.
"How could I not be?" Carson replied. He shifted his weight and looked down at Radek. "That was incredible. You're incredible."
"I am glad that you think so," Radek said solemnly. "I feel the same way about you."
With some reluctance, Carson moved and sat up; he needed to dispose of the condom and wash his hands. "I'll be right back." He couldn't resist leaning down for one more kiss before he went, though, and ended up lingering for nearly a minute, the taste of Radek's mouth like a drug to which he'd already become addicted.
In the bathroom, he washed up quickly, looking at himself in the mirror with a sense of wonder. It was astonishing to realize that, after so many months here, Atlantis was finally beginning to feel like home.
"You will want to check on Rodney?" Radek called from the other room.
Carson glanced through the doorway to where Radek, looking delightfully disheveled, was lying on the bed in a tangle of sheets. "Aye, I suppose I will."
"But then you will come back to bed?" Radek sounded so hopeful that it made Carson smile.
"Aye, love," Carson said, nodding. He looked at his reflection again, almost mesmerized by the way his eyes were shining. "Then I'll come back to bed."
Title from "The Scottish Emigrant's Farewell" by Hume:
Fareweel, fareweel, my native hame,
Thy lanely glens and heath-clad mountains!
Fareweel thy fields o' storied fame,
Thy leafy shaws and sparkling fountains.
Nae mair I'll climb the Pentlands steep,
Nor wander by the Esk's clear river;
I seek a hame far o'er the deep-
My native land, fareweel for ever!
I wrote for icie:
Preferred Partner (or group): Radek
Secondary Partner (or group): Rodney or Rodney/Radek
Genre (dark, humour, etc): romance, angst, dark
Two prompts (single words): water, shine
Many thanks to zortified for the beta and advice.
Beckett/Zelenka, NC-17. 5200 words. Set some time during early S2.
A Home Far O'er the Deep
Carson was eating his breakfast and thinking longingly of home and a proper cup of tea when someone touched his sleeve. He looked up to see Radek Zelenka holding a tray.
"May I join you, Doctor Beckett?" Zelenka asked.
"Aye. But only if you'll call me Carson." Looking around, Carson realized that the cafeteria was as close to full as he'd seen it. "Bit crowded this morning."
"Yes." Zelenka sat and spread his napkin out onto his lap before starting to eat. "I often take my meals in the lab, but today I thought I would try something different. Change my habits."
"I tend to eat here," Carson said.
"But you do not sit with friends?" Zelenka asked. His eyes were surprisingly knowing.
Carson didn't know how to answer that; to tell the truth made him sound like a recluse, which he certainly wasn't, and he didn't want to lie. "I'm not usually here for very long," he said finally, since that was at least honest.
Zelenka watched him thoughtfully over the rim of his cup. "You're a busy man," he said.
"We're all busy here," Carson said. "If I'm not mistaken, I've seen you working long hours on more than one occasion."
"Have you?" Zelenka sounded pleased, and the look he gave Carson was rather blatantly interested.
Carson felt himself flush. It was something he'd always been prone to, and he'd done his best to overcome it when he'd been a schoolboy. There was nothing more embarrassing than turning red and stammering when face to face with someone you had a crush on, and he'd lost more than one opportunity because of his inability to control his reactions. Now, with what he was quite sure was attention being directed toward him -- something that he'd never been aware of before -- he found himself unsure of what to do. "You'll have to excuse me," he said, standing and picking up his tray. "I've just remembered I have something to check on in the infirmary. It... it was very nice to talk with you."
Like a coward, Carson fled.
* * *
Over the next few weeks, Zelenka -- Radek, as he'd asked Carson to call him -- found several excuses to stop by the infirmary when Carson was there. Once, it was with a slice of cake that someone had managed to bake. "I did not want you to miss out," Radek explained, setting the plate down beside Carson's elbow.
"It looks like chocolate," Carson said, sniffing it warily.
"I assure you, it is not." Radek offered Carson a fork. "But it is the closest thing I've had to real cake for some time."
"Thank you," Carson said. "It was very kind of you. To think of me."
"I spend a great deal of time thinking of you," Radek said. Carson's expression must have reflected his surprise and dismay, because Radek immediately took a step back, toward the door. He sounded embarrassed when he said, "I'm sorry. I'll leave you to your work."
The slice of cake did little to remove the bitter taste from Carson's mouth. He was ready with an apology the next time he ran into Radek, even though this time it was in the hallway. "Could I...?" Carson tried, putting out a hand to stop Radek without actually touching him. "I'm sorry. About the other day."
Radek shook his head. "No... it is I who should apologize."
"You already did," Carson pointed out.
"Then I will do so again. I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable."
"You didn't," Carson denied, then felt himself flush. "Well, all right, you did, but it wasn't you; it was me."
Radek looked uncertain. "That... is a joke?"
"No!" Painfully aware that they were standing in a corridor with people passing by and giving them curious glances, Carson tried to think quickly. "I wouldn't joke about something like that."
"No; of course you would not. I am sorry." Radek straightened his glasses in a way that Carson found strangely endearing and nodded.
"Well... I should really..." Carson knew that he should explain further -- that he should reassure Radek that he was interested -- but he seemed incapable of it, which made him feel like a fool.
"Yes, yes. I am sure you have work to do, as do I," Radek said. "Thank you."
Carson was left wondering what the hell had just happened.
* * *
It certainly wasn't that he didn't like Radek. It wasn't even that he was afraid of getting involved with someone in Atlantis, although there was definitely some hesitation because of the fact that they were living in such an insular community; Carson had had more than a few one night stands, but never with anyone he'd known, and the thought of seeing someone with whom he'd been intimate on a regular basis was a bit disconcerting.
But mostly it was that he had no idea where to begin.
He was examining the slides he'd made of the Wraith cells when he sensed more than heard someone standing behind him.
"I am sorry to bother you," Radek said as Carson turned to look at him. Radek was holding one hand in the other, cradling it.
"What happened?" Carson asked, standing up and reaching for Radek's hand, dismissing the intimacy of the gesture because he was a doctor first and everything else fell somewhere further down the line.
"My hand slipped," Radek said. He sounded embarrassed.
There was a thick splinter deep beneath the skin at the base of Radek's thumb. The edges of the wound were rough and bloodied. "Did you try to dig it out with a screwdriver?" Carson asked disapprovingly, sitting Radek down and going to find his tweezers.
"No; a very fine probe. But I do not think they were well suited for the job." Radek held his hand still as Carson dabbed the area with antiseptic, deftly pulled out the splinter -- which appeared to be a sliver of metal rather than wood -- and then disinfected the wound properly.
"That should take care of it," Carson said, taping on a bandage. "Keep it clean, and if you see any signs of infection, be sure to let me know immediately."
"I will," Radek said. He stood up, holding the hand in front of him awkwardly as if he couldn't decide what to do with it. "Thank you."
"It's not a problem." Carson smiled tentatively. "It's what I'm here for."
* * *
He didn't see Radek again for a few days, which seemed strange, as the man had been turning up where Carson was at least twice a day for some time. Then he bumped into him -- literally -- just outside the infirmary, the two of them colliding in a way that probably would have made John Cleese and Graham Chapman proud. "Sorry!" they both said at the same time.
"It was my fault," Radek said.
"No, no, it was mine," Carson said.
Radek gestured with his still-bandaged hand. "I was not certain if I should remove it. I thought, maybe...?"
Carson hesitated for a heartbeat before nodding. "Come inside and I'll take a look at it."
It was late, the infirmary quiet and nearly empty. Carson sat Radek down and untaped the bandage carefully, easing the tape away from the skin. The wound beneath was small and appeared to be healing well; Carson brushed his thumb over it lightly, and Radek exhaled, a little sigh that sounded uncertain.
"Does it hurt?" Carson asked.
"No," Radek said, raising his eyes and meeting Carson's gaze. His expression was yearning and so open that Carson couldn't look at him -- he looked down at Radek's hand again instead. With a trembling finger, Carson traced the lines on Radek's palm. Felt the warmth of the other man's skin, the places where it was calloused.
"I'm not sure what you want from me," Carson whispered.
"You are," Radek murmured. "You know. You may not be ready -- and I will give you as much time as you need to make a decision; I am not going anywhere, am I?" Carson could hear the smile in his voice and glanced up, seeing the warmth there and feeling it reflected in his own chest, like Radek radiated heat. "I would like to spend time with you."
"I'm very busy," Carson said. It wasn't a refusal. "My schedule can be very erratic..."
"I understand," Radek said gently. "I'm not asking for anything you cannot give."
Carson realized that he was still holding Radek's hand, and that doing so felt comforting. "I..."
"You need some time," Radek said, pulling his hand away from Carson's as if reluctant to do so. "I understand."
"It's not -- " Carson said, almost desperately, but it was that he needed more time. Radek was right; he wasn't ready, even though he wasn't even certain what it was he wasn't ready for. "I'm sorry."
"No," Radek said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Do not be sorry. Be sure. I will wait."
Watching Radek leave the infirmary, Carson couldn't help but wonder for how long.
* * *
Carson was asleep in his quarters when he was suddenly jolted awake. "Doctor Beckett! There's been an accident in one of the labs -- there are several injuries, one critical."
He was up and running for the infirmary before he could think. He had to pass the lab in question on the way, and was horrified to realize that it was the one Radek worked in most frequently; the cold, hard clench of fear in his chest told him just how much he cared, and he cursed that it took circumstances like these for him to admit it to himself.
The smoke was thick and bitter in the hallway, but in the infirmary the air was clear; the systems kept it filtered. The first thing Carson saw as he ran through the doorway was Radek, his face smudged and bloodied, sitting on a bed with one of the med techs checking him over. Their eyes met, and Carson breathed.
"It's Doctor McKay, sir," someone else said to him, and the momentary relief Carson had felt at seeing Radek alive was lost in the frantic rush to save Rodney's life.
The unexpected explosion that had rocked the lab had sent a thick piece of metal into Rodney's abdomen, severing dozens of blood vessels and causing serious damage to a number of major organs. The surgery to piece him back together again took more than ten hours, and by the time it was over, Carson was shaking with fatigue and the emotional hit of having to work on a friend. He stripped off his filthy scrubs and sank down onto a chair, cradling his head in his arms, grateful for a moment of quiet after the long hours in the operating room.
Someone came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. "How is he?" Radek asked.
Carson couldn't chance lifting his head; he was too close to tears. "Stable, for now," he managed. "But it could go either way."
Radek's other hand settled on Carson's other shoulder and squeezed. "You did your best. No one could expect more."
"Even if it's not enough?" Carson swallowed back his emotions and sat up, turning to look at Radek. "How badly were you hurt?"
There was a small, neat bandage on Radek's forehead. "Just a small cut," he said. "Most of the blood was Rodney's." He looked sad and worried, and it occurred to Carson that the man might have been sitting in the infirmary all night, waiting for word.
"You should go and get some sleep," Carson said, reaching out tentatively to touch Radek's arm.
"So should you," Radek countered.
Carson shook his head. "I should be here."
Radek took Carson's hand in his and held it, studying his face. "You will do no one any good if you are too exhausted to stand." He frowned. "Wait here."
Unable to do much more than stare at the floor, Carson waited. Radek went across the room and spoke to one of the nurses, who called over another doctor. The three of them conferred briefly, nodding, and then Radek came back.
"You are relieved of duty," Radek said, "and you are not to come back until you've slept. I will walk you to your quarters."
Carson didn't have the energy to argue, and he knew that his likely reaction to anything going wrong with Rodney at that point would be to collapse into tears. Radek was right; that wouldn't help anyone, least of all Rodney.
He was on his feet and walking down the hallway with Radek at his elbow, one hand on the small of his back to guide him. Carson felt as if he needed it; without it, he was walking blind.
"Here," Radek said, pausing in the doorway to Carson's quarters. "You will sleep?"
Carson turned his head and looked at Radek, whose eyes were kind and thoughtful. He knew that Radek was waiting for a response, but he couldn't think what it might be. He felt numb and sick.
"Come." Radek ushered him inside and over to the bed, then sat him down on the edge and knelt to remove Carson's shoes. Carson let him, watching helplessly, so weary that he was afraid if he blinked he'd fall asleep sitting up. He ran a hand through his hair and grimaced, realizing that it had been soaked with sweat and dried that way.
"I need a shower," he said ruefully. He was too tired to do it, but he didn't think he could sleep the way he was.
"Then go." Radek got him onto his feet and pushed him gently toward the bathroom. "You have everything you need? I will wait."
Under the hot water, Carson discovered that he felt both better and worse. Rodney's condition was even more serious than he'd led Radek to believe -- Rodney had nearly bled out before they'd got a transfusion into him, and his heart had stopped twice on the operating table. The damage to his body had been catastrophic. Overwhelmed, Carson leant against the shower wall and put his hands over his face, concentrating only on breathing.
"Carson?" Radek's voice, tentative, from the doorway. "Are you all right?"
Carson found himself unable to answer.
Closer now, as if Radek had stepped over the threshold. "Tell me you are all right, and I will leave you to bathe in peace."
A sob welled up in Carson's chest, his throat and eyes burning with it despite the clean water washing away the tears that spilled over his cheeks.
"I am coming in," Radek warned, and Carson broke, turning blindly to face the other man as he stepped, fully clothed, into the shower beside him and put both arms around him, holding on. "It will be all right," Radek murmured, smoothing back Carson's wet hair. "I'm here."
"I'm just... so bloody knackered," Carson managed.
"I know," Radek said, his voice impossibly gentle and understanding. "I know."
Afterward, Carson was more embarrassed about Radek's wet clothing than his own nudity. "I'm sure I have something you can wear," he said, as Radek stripped down efficiently, the sight of pale brown nipples and lean limbs making Carson blush and look away.
"That would be good," Radek said, straightening up.
Carson felt shaky and worn out, and just then he wanted nothing less than to spend the night alone. "Unless..." He wanted to ask Radek to stay, but he didn't know if that was fair, not when he still wasn't sure. But Radek must have seen the question in his eyes.
"Would you like me to stay until you fall asleep?"
"I'd like you to stay the night," Carson said, because it was the truth.
"Nothing," Radek said, "would please me more."
The bed wasn't really wide enough for two, but awkwardly they managed to settle in. Radek put both arms around Carson, slowly, as if unsure that the embrace would be accepted. But Carson closed his eyes and pressed his face to Radek's shoulder, shivering with more than cold, and Radek held him more tightly, running a hand over his hair. "You will feel better when you have slept," Radek said softly.
"If they need me..." Carson started.
"Then you will go," Radek said. "For now, sleep."
Carson nodded, breathing in the scent of Radek's skin and finding nothing erotic in it; he was too weary. Even still, he didn't expect to sleep any time soon, and was surprised when he found himself drifting off, Radek's hand a comfort on the back of his neck.
* * *
When he woke up, he'd lost all sense of time, and stretched a sleep-heavy hand toward the radio he'd left on the table beside the bed. Radek's voice stopped him. "I checked half an hour ago," Radek said. "Rodney is stable, and slightly improved."
The tension rushed out of Carson with a sigh. "Thank God."
"Yes," Radek said. At some point, Carson had turned over and draped an arm over Radek; his chest was pressed to Radek's back. "Did you sleep?"
"Aye." Carson moved his hand lightly over Radek's chest. "I didn't expect to, but I did."
"Good." Radek sounded satisfied as Carson explored, feeling Radek's chest hairs crisp against his palm. Tentatively, Carson rubbed his lower lip across the soft skin at the back of Radek's shoulder, his own breath wafting back toward him, warm and reassuring. Radek made an encouraging sound, pressing himself more tightly to Carson, and Carson's body responded immediately with more interest than he'd have expected, considering the day he'd had.
He slid his hand down to Radek's stomach, then to his hip, feeling the hard edge of the pelvic bone beneath the skin and taking note of Radek's indrawn breath as his fingertips skirted the groin area to travel down to Radek's thigh.
"No," Radek said softly, and Carson pulled his hand away instantly, opening his mouth to apologize, but Radek was already turning in his arms to face him, gaze earnest. "I did not mean for you to stop," Radek breathed.
"Then why...?"
Radek shifted, urged Carson with gentle hands to roll onto his back, stroked his brow. "I would like to look at you. May I?"
Carson nodded, licking his lips nervously as Radek pushed the covers down and ran his eyes over Carson's bare body with such careful attention that it was almost like being touched. Radek sat up, the covers pooling in his lap as he studied Carson. Slowly, he reached out a hand and touched Carson's chest, his palm resting flat as Carson inhaled and exhaled. Light, questing fingers ghosted over his skin.
Just when he thought he wouldn't be able to keep still any longer, Radek lay down beside him again, looking into his eyes. "Come here," Radek whispered, and drew him close before kissing him.
Inhaling shakily against Radek's lips, Carson felt his body respond with an almost painful rush of lust. Radek was gentle but insistent, hand skimming down along Carson's back until it settled at his waist. His mouth tasted strangely familiar, and when he finally pulled back a bit, Carson made a small, involuntary sound of disappointment and pressed forward against him.
"There is no hurry," Radek said. His eyes were dark and serious. "We will do nothing unless you want it."
"I do want it," Carson murmured. "I want you."
That seemed to be enough for Radek, who returned to kissing Carson as if he were starving for it, desperately eager but also doing his best to stay in control if the gentleness of his hands on Carson was any indication. "I have wanted you for so long," Radek said.
The press of Radek's body against his own was so incredible that Carson felt light-headed. "Don't stop," he gasped, when Radek scraped teeth along the column of his throat. "Please."
Radek slid down and mouthed wetly at the head of Carson's erection, and Carson shut his eyes and groaned. The other man's mouth was hot, talented, each flick of his tongue making Carson ache. It had been a long time since he'd been with anyone, but he was tense enough that he didn't believe he'd come too soon -- at least, until Radek's tongue rasped over the sensitive skin of Carson's balls and made him cry out, clutching at a handful of blanket with more desperation than he'd expected to feel.
When Radek took him in deep and sucked hard, Carson came, eyes shut tightly and his breath a series of hoarse pants. Radek gentled him through it and then moved up to kiss him. "You have been too long without release, I think," Radek said softly, his erection against Carson's thigh a firm contradiction to his tone.
"What about you?" Carson asked, sliding a hand downward, but before Radek could reply, Carson's radio beeped. "Damn." He reached for it. "This is Doctor Beckett."
"Doctor McKay's temperature is up half a degree and his pulse rate has increased."
Carson was on his feet and pulling on clothes hastily before she'd even finished speaking. He gave Radek an apologetic glance, but Radek just shook his head. "Go. I will find you later."
"I'll let you know how he is," Carson said, shoving his feet into his boots and heading for the infirmary.
* * *
Rodney was fighting off an infection of some sort, which wasn't truly a surprise under the circumstances. Carson ordered a course of antibiotics and spent the first half of the day monitoring the man closely, but Rodney's condition didn't worsen. Some time in the middle of the afternoon, Carson put his head down on the table in front of him just to rest his eyes and dozed off immediately.
He woke to a soft Czech voice murmuring what sounded like endearments, and lifted his head to see Radek leaning over Rodney's still form on the bed, Radek's hand stroking Rodney's hair tenderly. As Carson watched, Radek bent lower and kissed Rodney's forehead. The touch was far more intimate than friendly, and Carson felt his chest tighten and twist as he watched something that he was surely not meant to see.
Confused, Carson rubbed a hand over his face and glanced at his notes; by the time he looked up again, Radek was patting Rodney's hand and then moving away from the bed. Carson returned his eyes to the papers in front of him but couldn't focus his gaze -- tears blurred his vision and he had to put a hand over his face and breathe through the pain of the realization that Radek had feelings for Rodney that he'd never so much as mentioned.
"Carson?" Radek's hand on his shoulder, and Carson shook his head.
"Not now. I can't." Carson needed time to digest this, and he needed privacy in which to do it.
"Are you all right? You had a very long day yesterday; perhaps you should --"
"Not now," Carson all but snarled, jerking away and going over to check on Rodney's monitors, and after a few moments he heard Radek leave and he leaned against the bed a bit more heavily than he ought to have.
He wouldn't have thought any day could seem as long as the one before it had, but this one was worse even though Rodney was doing as well as could be expected. Carson couldn't stop thinking about how Radek's voice had sounded when he'd murmured to the unconscious Rodney, or about the way Radek had leaned down and kissed him. Were they involved? Carson didn't like to think that might be true and that Radek wouldn't have told him so, but he was too convinced by what he'd seen.
By the time his shift was over, he was wound up enough that he headed immediately for the places Radek was most likely to be. Fortunately, Carson got lucky -- if it could be called that -- and found Radek in the second place he tried.
"We need to talk," Carson said to Radek's back.
Radek's startled expression when he turned around might have been comical under other circumstances. He glanced at the other man he'd been working with, then looked at Carson again and nodded, wiping his hands on a rag. "All right."
Carson waited until they were in the hallway before saying anything else. "Alone."
"Yes, I know." Radek was subdued, wary, and Carson felt a twinge of sympathy -- at least this wasn't easy for either of them. "My quarters are nearby. If you don't mind...?"
"Aye, that's fine." Carson didn't know how this conversation was going to end up, but he did know that he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible either way.
In Radek's quarters, which were surprisingly messy, they stood looking at each other. "I did something to upset you," Radek said.
"I saw you with Rodney," Carson said. "Are the two of you... involved?"
Radek blinked. "No. I was under the impression that you and I were. Or, at least, that we were headed in that direction."
"I saw you," Carson repeated, his voice sharper. "I heard you talking to him."
"I have not lied to you," Radek said calmly. although it seemed clear that he was upset now. "I would not. Rodney and I have been intimate on a few occasions, but we are friends only. That is all."
The relief that Carson felt seemed disproportionately strong; he sat down on the nearest chair. "You're not in love with him?"
"I care for him, as a friend," Radek said. "I am not in love with him." He crouched down in front of Carson and looked at him earnestly. "I'm in love with you."
Carson swallowed. "You are?" He felt foolish and grateful both.
"Yes. I am." Radek rested a hand on Carson's knee.
"I'm very sorry to have doubted you," Carson said, contrite. "I've no excuse for it. Can you forgive me?"
"There is nothing to forgive," Radek protested, but when Carson gave him a look, he relented. "Yes, yes, of course I do. I forgive you. It is not important."
"It is," Carson said. He leaned forward and touched Radek's cheek gently. "I didna mean to hurt you."
"I know. It is not in you, to hurt anyone deliberately. It is one of the reasons I love you." Radek said the words surely, knowingly, as if they were something he'd come to believe so long ago that he didn't have any doubt of their truth.
"I was... surprised," Carson admitted, feeling the rasp of Radek's stubble against his palm. "At how it felt, seeing you with him."
Radek's eyes were a soft blue looking up at him. "You were jealous?"
"Very." Carson didn't think he needed to add that he'd been hurt and angry as well. He slid his hand around to the back of Radek's neck and pulled the other man forward until their lips met.
They kissed slowly, exploring each other's mouths for several minutes, until Radek's hand tightened on Carson's knee and he pulled back with obvious reluctance. "You are not on duty?" he asked.
"No," Carson said, realizing he'd dragged Radek away from his work without so much as asking if it were convenient. "Are you?"
Radek shook his head and smiled. "No. But I am also not as young as I used to be; I would prefer to be somewhere more comfortable. The bed, perhaps?"
Carson nodded, and they kissed their way over to the bed, removing clothing as they went. By the time he lowered Radek down onto the mattress and covered the other man's body with his own, he was hard and wanting, the feel of his erection sliding along the warm skin of Radek's thigh enough to make him gasp.
He'd never fucked another man. He'd been with women, of course, but not for years; somehow with men he'd always wanted to be the one being penetrated. There were times he'd thought it was because he had his hands inside someone's broken, bleeding body too often, to the point where that sensation held a negative association. But now, with Radek writhing slowly beneath him and his erection riding the crease of Radek's thigh, Carson wanted to be inside him. He wanted that to be about something other than pain and destruction and death, something that he could have for himself.
"I've never wanted anyone as much as I want you right now," Carson said, licking Radek's ear and bracing his hands on either side of the other man. His skin felt too tight, the air too hot in his lungs.
Radek's hand squeezed Carson's arse and he groaned. "Then perhaps... perhaps you should fuck me?" Radek suggested breathlessly.
Carson gasped and kissed Radek wetly, tongue probing Radek's mouth. "God, yes." Responsibility made him add, "Do you have anything? Any -- "
"Yes." Radek arched beneath him. "Somewhere. God." A string of words in Czech spilled out, desperate and quick. "Box. Under the -- Carson, please."
It took a matter of moments for Carson to fumble a condom and lube from the cardboard box that was half under the bed; his hands were shaking, and he ended up using a bit more lube than he really needed as he stroked his fingertips over Radek's entrance. Radek whimpered, his eyes locked on Carson's face as he was breached by a fingertip.
"You're so gorgeous," Carson whispered, nearly overcome with a swell of lust and emotion. There was more than a hint of uncertainty behind the desire in Radek's eyes, so he repeated it. "Gorgeous."
Radek pulled him in for another kiss, and then somehow Carson was pushing inside him, muffling his moan against Radek's skin. It was more intense than he'd ever imagined, the heat and pressure so extreme that it was difficult to maintain control. Carson shuddered and breathed, and felt Radek's hands on his back, soothing without words.
He shifted, groaned loudly, caught Radek's lips with his own and kissed him fiercely, trying to concentrate on that rather than on the tight grip of Radek's body around him. "Christ," he gasped. "Oh Christ."
Beneath him, Radek rocked his hips, and Carson was lost. He wasn't capable of anything but moving, of thrusting into Radek and devouring his mouth. Radek's soft cries urged him on, Radek's fingers digging into his arse just fueling the fire as Carson shoved himself toward glorious release. He was dimly aware of Radek's louder groan when the other man came, of the hot spill of it between their bodies, and then he was falling into little pieces, trembling, and Radek's mouth was soft and his hands stroking over Carson's skin put Carson back together.
They lay quietly for a long time with Carson's head cushioned on Radek's shoulder. He knew that he was probably too heavy, but Radek seemed content and Carson couldn't summon up the energy to move.
"You are all right?" Radek asked finally, stroking his hair.
"How could I not be?" Carson replied. He shifted his weight and looked down at Radek. "That was incredible. You're incredible."
"I am glad that you think so," Radek said solemnly. "I feel the same way about you."
With some reluctance, Carson moved and sat up; he needed to dispose of the condom and wash his hands. "I'll be right back." He couldn't resist leaning down for one more kiss before he went, though, and ended up lingering for nearly a minute, the taste of Radek's mouth like a drug to which he'd already become addicted.
In the bathroom, he washed up quickly, looking at himself in the mirror with a sense of wonder. It was astonishing to realize that, after so many months here, Atlantis was finally beginning to feel like home.
"You will want to check on Rodney?" Radek called from the other room.
Carson glanced through the doorway to where Radek, looking delightfully disheveled, was lying on the bed in a tangle of sheets. "Aye, I suppose I will."
"But then you will come back to bed?" Radek sounded so hopeful that it made Carson smile.
"Aye, love," Carson said, nodding. He looked at his reflection again, almost mesmerized by the way his eyes were shining. "Then I'll come back to bed."
Title from "The Scottish Emigrant's Farewell" by Hume:
Fareweel, fareweel, my native hame,
Thy lanely glens and heath-clad mountains!
Fareweel thy fields o' storied fame,
Thy leafy shaws and sparkling fountains.
Nae mair I'll climb the Pentlands steep,
Nor wander by the Esk's clear river;
I seek a hame far o'er the deep-
My native land, fareweel for ever!