You either win, or you die.
Name: Shannon.
How did you find out about the community? If it's through an LJ user, please tell us who it is (individual user if possible, not just a community name!): I think a friend directed me to this because they saw it as something I might like, though I'm not sure if they filled out an application personally.
Age: 23
Location: Illinois, US
Occupation: At the moment, student. Though I'm going to become a medical transcriptonist hopefully sooner rather than later.
All About You
1. Describe your ideal house/home. Please go into as much detail as possible, and be sure to include your ideal geographical location in the description!.
I think ideally I would live somewhere rural, rather isolated from the nearest town. But, no so isolated that it would be a chore to get to. I'd love to be close to nature, and to a lake or stream. Maybe, have a jetski or four wheeler stashed off somewhere. I don't need a really large home to be happy, but at the same time I want enough room to be comfortable, you know? I live in a small apartment right now and it's killing me! I like to think I have a flare for decoration and interior design, so I'd have all kinds of things hanging about. I really love being able to be creative, so it would an ongoing thing? I'm also really interested in mythology/supernatural things so I might have the odd sigil or things generally considered "witchy" hanging about. I'd like to live in a mild climate, but I can sacrifice that if I could somehow acquire this ideal home.
2. Imagine you’re given the classic opportunity: a genie granting you three wishes. What would you wish for? Please be as elaborate as you can. Wishing for more wishes is not permitted!
1. I would wish to have control over how I thought and felt about things. For a long time now, I've been battling depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia and it is one of the most soul searing things I think I'll ever have to do. I wake up every morning and I don't know if I'm going to be able to get through the day without having a panic attack about something, usually they are triggered by something but sometimes...they just happen. For no apparent reason. If I could somehow...somehow manage these on a very real level, and not the way that I'm doing now then I think I would be abundantly happy.
2. I would wish for the ability to simply accept things as they happen and not dwell upon it. I obsess over decisions, and I obsess over feelings. I'm indecisive to an enormous degree, to the point where it actually affects my health. I overthink things so severely I end up making problems out of nothing, and I question if people really enjoy my company. Not in a paranoid way, just in a slightly...anxious way. As you can imagine it often causes fights, and rather nasty ones.
3. I would wish to obtain financial security, somehow. They say money doesn't buy happiness, and that's certainly true...IF you make a certain amount of money. First, you have to get to the financial level where you can for certain know you'll have enough food to last the month, have expenses paid like rent, electric bill, etc.
3. In your life so far, what accomplishment are you the most proud of? Why? You can list more than one if you have trouble deciding. ;)
I suppose honestly, I'm thankful that I'm not nearly as bad of a person as I used to be. I suppose everyone's a bit of a bastard when they're in their early teens but I look back on how I acted and I'm honestly ashamed. I grew up in the Deep South, and if you don't know anything about it, just not know it's a hotbed of extremely conservative values. Just because you are born in a place that glorifies racism, sexism, and discrimination doesn't mean you can't rise above it. I'm aware it's not always that clear cut, it involves a lot of social psychology and it involves having a place that allows you to explore other alternatives. I'm lucky in that way. I may struggle with my identity at times or disparage the way I look, but I can at least think I'm not so bad a person. I've also managed to just...survive. And I think that's something that's not looked upon as an accomplishment a lot of the time. For someone that struggles with mental illness, that is a hugely important thing and I feel like we should congratulate ourselves more on just making it day to day.
4. Which of the following is most important to you: Love, Money, Knowledge, Family, Friendship, Adventure, or Pleasure? Which is the least important to you? Please explain why for each choice.
I want to say love is most important to me, because I'm a dreamy sort. I'm pulled in a lot of directions! I would say that knowledge is almost tied with love for me, honestly. Love is something that we honestly need to survive, there's evidence of that. There have been studies done where they've compared the brains of infants that received just simple acknowledgements of love, like being held against their mother and rocked, and they compared that to babies who haven't been held or cared for and their brains literally form differently. I feel like the right to love whomever you choose, is something that should not even be open to debate. Everyone deserves to be able to be with the one they love, regardless of gender, sex, race, anything that would divide them besides obviously age of consent issues. And yet, as lifesaving as love is...what is a person without knowledge? Without the urge to learn something about themselves and the universe around them?
I suppose if I must pick one of these I would pick family. I have not had a traditional family. For ninety percent of my life it has only been my parents and I. No other family. No aunts or uncles. No cousins or grandparents. It was just me, and my mother and father. I barely consider my parents family, because I consider them so much more than that. Family to me is almost a dirty word. I could go long into my sordid family history but suffice to say...my family isn't too far off from some of the families in asoiaf. So much betrayal and nastiness for the sake of it, I haven't spoken to anyone in my family besides my immediate household in over six years.
5. What's one quote (or passage, song lyric, etc.) that effectively describes you and your values? Explain.
"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.”
― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World
I feel like this is me in a nutshell, an absurdly accurate nutshell. I always want things on a grand scale, I want to feel things with an intensity that would make me no longer question what it's like to be 'alive.' I have an all or nothing approach to somethings, and it's rather masochistic of me, I admit. I see things in a very grey area, I want there to be goodness in the world, and I know that there is goodness in the world, even if I can't see it. But, more than anything I want to feel larger than life. Like a fantasy come to life. I just want the freedom to have something magical happen without restrictions. I even feel like you can't really achieve anything close to this without giving up your comfort to some degree.
6. How do you manage your money? On that note, how important is money/financial security to you? Go into as much detail as you can.
I'm very good with money, if I'm being honest. I've helped pay the bills for three on an extremely limited income for years now and have had time to splurge just a little bit. Although splurging can sometimes be counted as things I really need. It's really important for me to have financial security, almost the most important thing there is to me. However, I don't need a lot to be happy. I just want to make enough money to be able to live on without worrying about some illness or something wrong with an automobile setting us back hundreds of dollars we can't afford. I wouldn't say I was greedy or anything of the sort, just practical.
7. Name (and elaborate on) some of your hobbies. What are your favorite things to do outside of school/the office?
I love to write things, whether it's roleplaying or original things I love to put word to paper. I love creativity in any aspect, but particularly words because there's so much power in words that you can't deny, even if you wanted to. I've met some of the most meaningful people in my life through writing. I like to play video games, especially really quirky games, indie games I suppose. I just finished beating Earthbound and I adored it so much. Earthbound and it's sequel are my favorite games I've ever played. It's a simple story but...it's still got heart and it can tug on your heartstrings. And it's one of those rpgs where you want to talk to everyone, the dialogue is just so clever and engaging.
8. Name three things you are afraid of. Explain.
a) Failure. Failure is pretty self explanatory I think. Whether it's academic failure or personal failure, it's just something that I absolutely can't stand. I think that's because most of my life I was always told how 'special' and 'smart' I was that I just never acquired the skills necessary to deal with failure, especially the failures that come with just not being able to do what most people your age are doing.
b) Fire. I honestly have no idea why I'm so terrified of fire. I've never had any incidents with fire or heat that I can think of. Sometimes I hate even opening the oven! I literally cannot explain it like I could with heights, which would be I'm scared of falling to my death!
c)Being Alone. This is one of the primary fears I've always, always had. And it's gotten worse as I've gotten older and friends speak less often because they got married or because they have jobs and it just...really hurts me. Especially since I would find time for them. I hold people to a high standard I suppose, so it would make sense that I fear being alone. I just...need people around me in some manner. I need people to talk to...to just know that they care about me.
9. Name (and elaborate on) your top three BEST and top three WORST qualities (personality-related, not physical). Please answer as fully as you can, as this is an important question.
Best Qualities:
1. I'm a pretty accepting person. You would have to try extremely hard to offend me, not make me want to be around you, especially if we kind of clicked as friends. I mean I try to understand people and their motives the absolute best that I'm able. I mean obviously I'm not perfect but I will at least try to understand, especially if you take the time to explain to me what you're feeling and thinking about whatever it is that's not...easy for me to accept? I mean obviously there's exceptions that are just so wrong that I can't accept. (like, pedophilia, animal cruelty...)
2. I worry a lot about my friends, I check up on them if something's off about them or feel like they need someone to speak to. I'm always careful not to come across as nosy or if I'm pushing my advice off on them because god knows that can be one of the most annoying things on earth, unsolicited advice.
3. I think that I know what to say most of the time to make most people feel at ease. It's like the gift of gab except it only seems to work as a listening skill! For a long time I studied psychology with the intention of being a therapist, so I think putting people at ease just comes naturally for me. And I have friends that aren't easy to befriend for the most part.
Worst Qualities:
1. I'm spiteful. There is no way I can deny this. I would say I was vengeful except that I never get around to actually enacting revenge. Though I would if I could. If for some reason we aren't friends anymore or you've wronged me in some way, even if you think it was an understanding, I will secretly wish horrible things on you. It's a really awful thing, I wish I could stop. If something bad happens to you I will think you deserved it and it's all karmaic payback. (Though karma doesn't work that way.)
2. I find it hard to believe in anything or anyone. It's hard for me to trust people, and I have reasons for that. This isn't simply me being a bad person, I just have so many trust issues that it's shameful. And because of those issues (mostly dealing with bullying), I find that it's almost impossible for me to believe someone when they say they want to be around me or that they care about me. I worry that people get bored of me all of the time, I worry that people will leave without warning. It wreaks havoc on my relationships particularly my romantic ones. I've always thought it was much easier to be friends with me than to date me. I mean I have trust issues with friends, but it is generally easier for me to believe that someone would be friends with me.
3. I hold a grudge, though I'm getting better at this. I seem to have an amazing memory of things done against me, particularly by close friends or lovers. Without fail I will remember what you said or how you said it and I will dwell on it and I will convince myself you meant it in a different way than you intended. I remember arguments and I will bring those up if the fight gets nasty. I generally try to avoid arguments for this reason, because I genuinely can't help this reaction most of the time. I'll just remember the last time you did something and vow to not let it happen again.
A Song of Ice and Fire Related
1.How many books from the series have you completed?
I've read all of them!
2.Who are your favorite three characters in the series? Why?
Doran Martell, Catelyn Stark, Tyrion Lannister.
I love Doran, because at first I didn't like him! I was firmly in Arianne's corner when I first read her chapters and I honestly thought he was just trying to keep the peace, to just recoup his losses. And when he revealed the plan he'd so diligently worked at with Oberyn I couldn't help but be wowed at the amount of patience and cold calculation he possessed to plan revenge for so long. I certainly couldn't have planned something for that long without giving something up.
I love Catelyn, I really do, because you can tell that she is genuinely an honorable, kind person but she knows when to cast that aside in ways Ned couldn't do. I enjoy reading her pov chapters because she feels like someone that I honestly know and can relate to, just a mother doing anything to protect her children which can be argued about Cersei as well I suppose but Catelyn knows how to show it correctly, she know how to let her children know she loves them. I just feel the love for her children much more...deeply than many of the other characters with children.
Tyrion is a character I hold close to heart, I can't relate to his dwarfism, but I do relate to being the outsider a lot of the time. I relate to just burying myself in books rather than face the reality of what was going on around him. We had similar emotionally abusive families, though of course that doesn't mean he's perfect or that he
doesn't have flaws. Because he has them, tons of them. But, what character doesn't?
3.Who are your least favorite three characters in the series? Why?
Jon Snow, Robert Baratheon, Sweet Robin
I just honestly never connected with Jon Snow, I don't know why! I think my least favorite part of the books is his part, and I can't put my finger on why. I think maybe because I enjoy the less magical parts of the book? And the Wall just never...struck me as interesting as all of the political stories.
Robert Baratheon...I just can't stand him. With all of his drunkeness and lust for a woman that might not have ever desired him in the first place, it just annoys me. I mean there are many, many worse characters morally than Robert, he was a typical man of the times, I think. But, I find that annoys me more than anything?
Sweet Robin. I don't like children to begin with, and he just unnerves me. A lot of characters I dislike I don't have concrete reasons for, I just go by feelings.
4.#1 Favorite moment in all of ASOIAF so far? Why?
When Oberyn and the Mountain fight. It's such a...thrilling moment. You just have Oberyn, who is just as deadly as he is charasmatic, he isn't called the Red Viper for nothing after all and he's fighting for such noble reasons, though I think he makes the mistake of playing with his food too much. He gets what he wants, he gets the Mountain to admit the horrible things that he did to Elia. A sense of grim satisfaction, but he's killed shortly after. I just love this moment because it shows that the dashing, swashbuckling character with all the noble motives still isn't guaranteed success, that life doesn't owe anyone anything. Even when you feel it does.
5. In your dream-world, how would you like to see the series end, and why?
I want to see the throne destroyed, I honestly don't think anyone is capable of such absolute power without being thoroughly corrupted.