A Lorimar Holiday Production
As a rule, I tend not to do holidays. Well, I do holidays, but not holiday holidays. Thank goodness we’ve kicked off with a couple of sentences that need no explanation whatsoever, although for the sake of extra clarity we’ll relate it to something more tangible in a moment.
Back in 1997 (yes, that’s right: get yourselves comfortable - there’s something of an extended preamble coming up), in the dying days of The Before Time, about a month before I headed off to university, I was forcibly dragged on to an aeroplane and flown, very much against my will, to Fort Worth, Texas, U.S.A. (near Dallas, if anyone’s wondering), although in the interests of not upsetting any of my relatives over there I should say that it was more the ‘plane flight that put me off than the thought of going somewhere with too much sun, too little shade and some of the ghastliest accents this side of Stockport. This was my third and final visit to the U.S. (I was tempted to add the qualifier “to date” here, but that would be something of a misnomer as I find it next-door to impossible to envisage any circumstance under which I shall willingly set foot on a ‘plane for as long as I may live) and, as it turned out, the last in a long line of annual family holidays. More than that, it was my last holiday proper for some considerable time.
Those readers with an aversion to tenuous links may wish to look away now, lest you faint at the sight of the humdinger that’s coming up, because it turns out that this final holiday, in a city, as previously noted, just down the road from Dallas, would herald a period of holiday drought not at all dissimilar to the fortunes of, conveniently enough, television programme Dallas. Quite serendipitous, that. Quite contrived, too, one could argue - with more than a little justification - but let’s stick with it and see where it goes, eh?
Now, Dallas had a bit of a head start on me, first popping up a year before I was born, but by the nineties it looked as though I’d outlived it - a feat not particularly recognised as anything special, if we’re honest. I mean, I’d also outlived Wogan, Eldorado, Albion Market and the Oric-1, but none of these milestones had particularly warranted a street party, either. At the time of this final holiday, Dallas the television programme had long-since vanished, my family’s annual holiday having managed to return for more annual seasons than the residents of Southfork, who’d gone a bit quiet after 1991. But 1991 wasn’t the end of Dallas’ story, any more than 1997 was the end of mine, holiday-wise.
No, stay with me: I am going somewhere with this, honest.
Around the time of this final holiday, Dallas’ fortunes seemed to be on the turn: after five-or-so years away from our screens, the programme staged something of an attempted comeback, with a couple of feature-length television specials. Little did I realise, back in 1997, that this programme, of which I was never, if truth be told, inordinately fond, was unwittingly setting the trend for my own holidaying fortunes over the coming years. Oh yes, it was. Shut up.
Because, you see, after 1997, my holidays also took a break from the screens, although in this case by “screens”, one of course means “the view through my eyes”. After a break of, conveniently enough for the purposes of this analogy, five-or-so years, my holidays staged something of a comeback. Not as a full-scale revival, you understand, but more by way of one-off “feature-length” trips. Ah yes. All slotting together now, isn’t it?
So, since around 2003, I’ve had the occasional short trip to various locations (well, I say “various locations”: in the main, trips to London, with the occasional ill-advised foray to Manchester), which is all very well and good, but hasn’t led to a revival of the full-length holiday (just like Dallas, do you see?).
Somewhere towards the arse-end of 2010, it was announced that Dallas would return for a complete revived series, to be recorded in 2011 and shown some time the following year. It would be a blatant lie to suggest that this development provided any kind of impetus for my decision to resume full-scale holiday-making, but having done all this typing it would appear that I’m in way too deep to go back now, so against all the odds that’s exactly the claim I’m now going to make. Dallas ran throughout the eighties and into the nineties, before taking a break save for the occasional short reappearance. My holidays ran throughout the eighties and into the nineties, before taking a break save for the occasional short, er, break. Therefore, if Dallas is coming back, so, too, should my holidays: ipso facto, Q.E.D.
The only difference between the revival of a television programme and the revival of a full-scale holiday (only? Really, Adam? Are you sure?) is that holidays, it turns out, have a slightly shorter lead-time than television programmes. And so it was that my holiday was ready to go several months before Dallas returns to our screens, making its triumphant return on 17th September 2011. Featuring an impressive guest cast and an extravagant array of far-flung, exotic locations, this particular holiday ran for a respectable nine days - only slightly shorter than the ten-episode run of Dallas expected to air some time next year.
And if, as seems at least rather likely, anyone happened to fall asleep during any of the above, here’s that main headline in full: I’ve just been on holiday. And in a moment, if you can stomach it, I’m going to relate a few notable episodes from this latest adventure, for your reading pleasure and insomnia-curing needs.