Manifest Destiny by Uwe Boll [Bloodrayne 2]
Apparently, I hate myself. And yes the trailer is in German, only because it's glorious.
First off, Rayne is not played by Kristanna Loken, which is just sad. You mean, she’s not going to be freakishly blonde and tall? Damn. However, I just realized that the title looks like it has a double cross with huge boobs on it. Fantastic.
According to the opening credits, Rayne made the logical leap and emigrated to America from Eastern European and is now part of the Wild Wild West. Only time will tell if Kevin Kline and Will Smith make appearances.
FYI: It took three people to write this one. Guinevere Turner, congratulations! You are superior to someone in this world.
You know, if we’re in the American West, let’s play a game of Oregon Trail, k? Of course, it’s a modified version, but that’s all right. I’ll start with my wagon, six horses (because in Bloodrayne, that’s the only way to travel), 10 packets of blood, two arm-machetes, four guns, and 10 sets of impractical clothes. Onward!
Man in a bowler hat! Providing exposition! And saying “howdy!”
Oh, this does not bode well. He’s going through some town named Deliverance, which the mayor claims is the “epitome of the American Dream.” Yeah, maybe if your American Dream includes run-down houses and surly long-haired men wandering about. He also claims it is not some “sin city of libations and fornications.” Now THAT is my American Dream. And, in a bit of foreshadowing, the mayor claims Deliverance is not wild. Well, not until you got crazy-ass Dhamfirs up in thar.
Man in Bowler Hat and Mayor have joined your party
There’s some family eating dinner, and the father, responding to the somber music, is neglectful and depressed, refusing to read to his kids and talking about how they don’t have food or whatever. His wife is more hopeful, but then! A bear! Father takes a shotgun to kill the bear, and I’m half-expecting PETA to jump out of nowhere to throw red paint on him. Instead, there are a bunch of ominous wooshing noises, then random footsteps coming from what I assume is the roof, and after the mother goes outside the house, the boys, apparently much more intelligent than their parents, hide. The one boy is making very Ron Weasley-esque facial expressions (he’s also a ginger), which makes me think it’s Voldemort come after them.
Instead, it’s some cowboy with a Russian accent. Um. What? Oh, everyone’s dead. Well, that solves the problem of potentially starving to death.
Parents have been attacked by Russian cowboy vampire. Ron Weasley 2.0 and Brother have joined the other party.
Bowler Hat is reporting on the railroad coming to Deliverance, which no one is excited about. Also, the town has a huge sign along the road.
...just in case you didn’t realize from the title of the movie and everyone uttering it that we are in Deliverance.
Inside a saloon, a black man, who obviously no one knows is black considering the fact that this is the 1800s yet he somehow owns the place, is chillin’ with some chick whose top, I’m certain, is from H&M.
The sheriff leaves the saloon, telling them to be careful, and then mayor and Bowler Hat do so much heavy-handed foreshadowing that the entire set quite literally gets darker. Also, I think Bowler Hat’s hat might be glued to his head.
Oh, look, the vampires are back for more, this time at the saloon. The woman in the H&M top, who shall henceforth be known as Hipster (though I doubt she’s going to live much longer), checks on the little girls, who are understandably freaked the fuck out. Suddenly, Hipster gets taken from behind…not in that way! Though that would make it a more interesting movie. Anyway, the Impossible Family, named so because Hipster is marriedˆto the black man in 1800s America, gets kidnapped by the vampires, but then it seems all the vampires are interested in are the children. Btw, at one point, Hipster says, “Don’t take my children! I’ll do anything! ANYTHING!” and this movie reaches a junction at which it could have justifiably been turned into a porno.
Hipster and Inexplicable Black Man have joined your party. You have gained a set of impractical clothes. Daughtersx2 have joined the other party.
Sheriff tries to stop the vampires, yelling, “LET THE CHILDREN GO!” like some latter-day Moses. But of course shooting the lead vampire, Billy the Kid (yeah, just got that) does nothing, and sheriff gets bitten. Delicious? The mayor then tries to stop them, but get this: just like Rayne’s mysterious powers, Billy the Kid knows Jedi mind tricks and convinces the mayor to let the vampire use his house. Bowler Hat, citing journalistic privilege, is saved. Score one for media privilege, and suck on that, New York Times!
Sheriff has joined other party. You have lost a packet of blood.
In the background, a horse poops. That’s how I feel right about now.
Using what sounds like the theme music to Oregon Trail (told you so), as well as some discarded slo-mo tricks from circa 1999, Rayne rides her horse-again, with the damn horses-towards Deliverance, her arm-machetes gleaming in the sun. I guess she gave up on that whole absolute power and evil thing? As Rayne looks around, I get a good glimpse of her, and I begrudgingly admit that I approve.
Something about her stern jawline just, I don’t know, touches me. You know…down there. Also, her leather outfit. Yum.
Rayne has joined your party. You have gained yet another set of impractical clothes. You have gained two more arm-machetes.
She arrives at the family’s house, calling out their names before finding, as there always is, a discarded doll (why the hell would two young boys have a doll in the first place). Realizing that shit has obvs gone down, she goes looking for them, obviously better equipped with her one arm-machete out. The two parents aren’t lying very far from the house, since Billy the Kid is not only a murderous bastard, but a lazy one as well.
And in what I’m sure was the founding act for feminism, Rayne greets some dude by sticking her arm-machete right under his penis.
Cock-tease no more, Rayne has now graduated to cock-mutilator. Excellent. The dude tells her that Billy the Kid is a “creature of the night,” and sends her off to Deliverance. My bad, I confused these dilapidated buildings with those dilapidated buildings.
When the dude offers to come along and help, Rayne retorts, “Your fly’s open.” This is kind of really amazing.
Arriving in Deliverance, the welcoming committee tries to pimp out Rayne, who goes to Impossible Family’s saloon. Hipster, alive much longer than I previously thought possible, is being sexually harassed by one of her patrons who then threatens to kill Bowler Hat. Wow, one scene, and this guy already has two strikes against him, though his liberal use of the word “cocksucker” reminds me of the truly awesome Deadwood. Rayne walks in and gets checked out, then also harassed, but she knows what’s up after seeing that the dude has no reflection. Choking him with a chair, of all things, Rayne finally gives up when he challenges her to a poker game. And as I watch the other patrons of the saloon, I realize that, inexplicably, the wardrobe budget on this movie is about 100x greater than the budget for the first one.
Oh, there’s the third strike: the harasser calls Rayne a cunt. Go ahead, Rayne. Rip his fucking throat out. Thankfully, they take it outside, because Impossible Family has had enough shit to deal with already, and I presume a gunfight is about to break out.
And in this movie’s I Have a Hearing Problem moment, harasser says, “I ain’t countin’ Chinamen and Injuns,” but I hear “Chinamen and ninjas.” Forget the porno; why doesn’t this movie have ninjas in it?
Your wagon has reached a gunfight. Do you:
a. Ignore it and take the long road around
b. Engage in gunfight
c. Attempt to ford the river
Obvs, b: GUNFIGHT! Rayne wins. Color me surprised. Harasser bites the dust, then Rayne kills his cohorts too before the sheriff’s men shoot the gun out of her heads. The sheriff refers to Billy the Kid as “the boss,” before the music goes DUN DUN DUN and the camera pans to Billy, looking very dapper in his best early-My Chemical Romance get-up.
And, as I think of how ironic it is that Rayne is back in the type of place she was kept in at the carnival before hating myself for knowing such details about this film, I wonder where Rayne’s talisman-eye is. Did she accidentally poke it out? With a spork, maybe? I realize sporks weren’t invented until much later, but considering how many liberties these movies take with facts (a black man is able to own a hotel and marry a white woman, for Christ’s sake!), I wouldn’t put it past them. Bowler Hat congratulates Rayne on her murders so that he can interview her. Instead, she cross-examines him and finds out that “the boss” is Billy the Kid and not, in fact, Gerard Way.
There’s a guy in the other cell, who happens to also be part of Brimstone. Wait. I thought they were all wiped out in the last movie? He just provides lots of pessimism, complimenting Billy on being able to heal himself and lead his people and whatnot. Bowler Hat is confused, but Brimstone Dude just keeps on talking up Billy. They conclude that Billy is waiting for the railroad to come so he can bite the people who come in and send them out into the world as vampires, but…why wouldn’t he just go to a town that already has a railroad outpost? And did this movie actually just become a semi-documentary on the wonders of the Industrial Revolution?
Brimstone Dude has joined your party.
Black dude of Impossible Family comes to help, and we learn that his name is “Bob.” He is now my favorite movie character ever. Bob is too late, since shortly thereafter, the sheriff comes to take Brimstone Dude to the gallows.
Billy, looking slightly Michael Jackson-esque, grabs one of the children, sings to her, then feeds on her. What. The. Fuck. That was quite possibly the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen.
Sidenote: Alyssa just compared the existence of Bloodrayne, the original, to a newborn cat, “slimy with its eyes not yet open.” Her exact word was: “mewling.” And this is my manager, for crying out loud.
Brimstone Dude is taken to the gallows and seemingly killed.
Brimstone Dude has died of hanging.
Then Rayne is grabbed and taken to the gallows as well. Billy comes to watch, bringing Ron Weasley 2.0 with him, which fuels Rayne to the point where she gets her handcuffs off and starts popping caps in bitches’ asses. Somehow, Bob managed to smuggle Rayne’s arm-machetes into the gallows-watching, and she kills the sheriff before diving into a conveniently-located body of water right nearby. The fact that she isn’t burning alive means she does still have the talisman-eye, and I now truly, utterly despise myself for knowing that the talisman-eye made her immune to water. I’m fast approaching Uwe Boll’s level on the Despicability Scale.
Sheriff from other party has died of a slit throat You have gained a packet of blood.
Bob is shot through the heart by Billy. Hipster reacts with her best blowjob face.
Stop porning this up, Hipster!
Inexplicable Black Man aka Bob has died of gunshot wounds.
Open Fly Dude is back, and he helps Rayne out of the water, followed by a lovely shot of some Native Americans in a boat. Excuse me; ninjas in a boat.
As Open Fly Dude nurses Rayne back to health, she’s all, “You’re doing this wrong, I need blood!” And, asking the question that I have wanted answered since the last movie, he says, “What kind of vampire walks around in daylight?” Thank you, Open Fly Dude. Thank you. Then he gets to listen to Rayne’s story of her mother being raped by her drag queen father and so on and so forth, which, just like last time, gets her what she wants: blood. From Open Fly Dude, no less. Really? He couldn’t just, maybe, find a woodland creature and offer it up?
Oh, but then you couldn’t get the bukkake-with-blood scene, replete with Rayne moaning and Open Fly Dude murmuring, “That’s it,” repeatedly. Duly noted. But when Rayne begs for more, Open Fly Guy freaks. No stamina, maybe? Sporks might have existed back then, but apparently not Viagra. He offers to put his blood in a cup for her next time, thereby ensuring that sometime in the near future, Youtube will be abuzz with 2 Vamps 1 Cup.
Open Fly Dude has joined your party. You lose six packets of blood. Open Fly Dude has blood loss.
Oh, look, a church! The preacher inside is an outlaw, but his fire-and-brimstoning reminds me a little too much of There Will Be Blood. At least he, unlike Paul Dano, has undergone puberty and his voice doesn’t crack every two seconds; instead, he speaks in sing-song. Jesus Christ. Literally. And just like so many churches the world over, Priest demands everyone’s money and gets it. And he gets it good: Rayne and Open Fly Dude show him the wanted poster and make him an ultimatum: get handed to the townsfolk, get hanged, or help them. Preacher, rightly so, chooses to help them.
Preacher has joined your party.
Oh, look! The ninjas! At…a brothel? Awesome. Just: awesome. Rayne pretends to be a prostitute to tie the next recruit to the bedpost, and in what can only be considered a brilliant reversal of a woman’s role being to please her man, Rayne sticks her gun in Horny Dude’s mouth and tells him he “doesn’t want to blow this.”
I said it before, and I’ll say it again: Awe. Some.
Horny Dude has joined your party. Horny Dude has the clap.
Then the movie gets bad again when the gang turns serious and talks about how it’s going to be so hard to kill these vampires, but they want to do it for the people of Deliverance. You know Rayne is serious because her jaw is set and her lips are pouty. And, perhaps finally learning that only getting but not giving necklaces was not going to bring her good karma, Rayne gives some necklaces out. Preacher is impressed.
Back at Deliverance, Hipster is sobbing for her children, who are far far away in Neverland with the white Michael Jackson. Mayor tells some lies about how the children are safe and only being used to control the townsfolk, but Hipster and her heaving bosom are having none of it. Bowler Hat disagrees with Mayor, which means Bowler Hat is sleeping on the couch tonight.
The gang returns to Deliverance, which excites Hipster-there’s the subtext I was waiting for! The clock strikes midnight, and I sense an impending Epic Gunfight. Preacher starts a fire, and all hellfire breaks loose. Rayne is shooting people instead of using her arm-machetes, which is really sad because if there’s one thing I loved about the last movie, it was the arm-machetes.
Hipster, hot and bothered, wants to join the fray, but Mayor stops her. Way to kill the subtext, man!
And, in a crazy-ass twist, when Rayne opens the door to Billy’s room, it sets off a trap wherein a sandbag falls, pulling nooses tight around kids’ necks. Man, this guy sure has a lot of time on his hands, doesn’t he? You’d think he would use it to write some bad poetry, but no. Lame.
Now Bowler Hat wants to go outside, and he insults the townsfolk for doing nothing. Finally! Someone with a backbone! And…oh! OH! THE BOWLER HAT IS OFF HIS HEAD! Oh, it is on, motherfuckers.
As Billy feeds on the one little boy who did hang to death, Rayne insults Billy, who creepily stalks around the children, talking fondly of their blood. Seriously, this shit is fucked up.
Preacher and Horny Dude get caught in a trap, and Rayne is stuck holding the rope. All hope seems lost, but I don’t care because I still cannot fathom why Billy the Kid has a Russian accent. In glacier-speed slo-mo, Preacher and Horny Dude, with a guest appearance by Open Fly Dude, start shooting at the vampires who have trapped them, one of whom is using a machine gun; yet another thing that I am 99.9% certain did not, in fact, exist in the 1800s. Seriously, did no one working on this movie ever think to Wikipedia this shit?
Oh, Horny Dude is dead…Horny Dude has died of gunshot wounds. His killers now have the clap.
And there goes Preacher. Except, he only has a shot to his arm, so he manages to shoot the machine gun guy in the forehead before running off. The townsfolk finally get in on the action, but just as soon as Mayor kills a vampire, he is killed by yet another vampire. Wow. A striking contribution from the peanut gallery, there.
Mayor has died of gunshot wounds.
Bowler Hat runs back inside presumably to put his hat back on lest anyone mistakenly involve him in any gun-related shenanigans. Maybe he should have thrown a shoe? But, honestly, who throws a shoe? Oh, no, wait. He just came back for reinforcements, and in true Wild West fashion, Hipster grabs a shotgun from behind the bar.
Ok, NOW it’s on.
Rayne finally makes her move and cuts all the children down (Christ, took her damn long enough). She tells Ron Weasley 2.0 to lead the children out, probably because Harry is nowhere to be found. Or he’s dead. Yeah…probably that. Then Rayne finally starts to fight Billy while Preacher gets killed by a vampire who immediately after is shot by Hipster. What is with the people in this movie showing up too late for everything?
Preacher has died of gunshot wounds.
Back at Neverland Ranch, Billy is totes winning the fight, punching Rayne like she’s some ragdoll. He says some stuff that I can’t understand because of his faux Russian accent, and Rayne gets her second wind. But Billy, breaking his own rules, pulls out his guns, prompting Rayne to utter, “Big speech, small guns. You overcompensatin’ for somethin’?” And that is why this movie is so much better than the first Bloodrayne. Just as he’s about to shoot Rayne, Billy is machine-gunned into oblivion by Open Fly Dude before being staked through the heart by Rayne.
Billy the Kid has died of a stake through the heart. Your party is almost in Oregon.
After the children get out, the following dialogue takes place:
Daughter: “Mommy?”
Hipster: “Yes?”
Daughter: “Sally [other daughter] didn’t make it.”
Hipster, true to name, in a totally flippant and nonchalant way: “Yeah, I know, honey. Yeah.”
That was much funnier than it should have been.
Bowler Hat is now the sheriff, and as Rayne rides off to hunt more vampires, Open Fly Dude has some sound advice for him: “Life is like a penis: When it’s hard, you get screwed. When it’s soft, you can’t beat it.”
And, just to augment how ridiculous this movie was, the subtitles actually had “[dramatic Western music]” as the credits were rolling.
…oh, I guess I made it to Oregon. Huzzah!
Click to viewFirst off, Rayne is not played by Kristanna Loken, which is just sad. You mean, she’s not going to be freakishly blonde and tall? Damn. However, I just realized that the title looks like it has a double cross with huge boobs on it. Fantastic.
According to the opening credits, Rayne made the logical leap and emigrated to America from Eastern European and is now part of the Wild Wild West. Only time will tell if Kevin Kline and Will Smith make appearances.
FYI: It took three people to write this one. Guinevere Turner, congratulations! You are superior to someone in this world.
You know, if we’re in the American West, let’s play a game of Oregon Trail, k? Of course, it’s a modified version, but that’s all right. I’ll start with my wagon, six horses (because in Bloodrayne, that’s the only way to travel), 10 packets of blood, two arm-machetes, four guns, and 10 sets of impractical clothes. Onward!
Man in a bowler hat! Providing exposition! And saying “howdy!”
Oh, this does not bode well. He’s going through some town named Deliverance, which the mayor claims is the “epitome of the American Dream.” Yeah, maybe if your American Dream includes run-down houses and surly long-haired men wandering about. He also claims it is not some “sin city of libations and fornications.” Now THAT is my American Dream. And, in a bit of foreshadowing, the mayor claims Deliverance is not wild. Well, not until you got crazy-ass Dhamfirs up in thar.
Man in Bowler Hat and Mayor have joined your party
There’s some family eating dinner, and the father, responding to the somber music, is neglectful and depressed, refusing to read to his kids and talking about how they don’t have food or whatever. His wife is more hopeful, but then! A bear! Father takes a shotgun to kill the bear, and I’m half-expecting PETA to jump out of nowhere to throw red paint on him. Instead, there are a bunch of ominous wooshing noises, then random footsteps coming from what I assume is the roof, and after the mother goes outside the house, the boys, apparently much more intelligent than their parents, hide. The one boy is making very Ron Weasley-esque facial expressions (he’s also a ginger), which makes me think it’s Voldemort come after them.
Instead, it’s some cowboy with a Russian accent. Um. What? Oh, everyone’s dead. Well, that solves the problem of potentially starving to death.
Parents have been attacked by Russian cowboy vampire. Ron Weasley 2.0 and Brother have joined the other party.
Bowler Hat is reporting on the railroad coming to Deliverance, which no one is excited about. Also, the town has a huge sign along the road.
...just in case you didn’t realize from the title of the movie and everyone uttering it that we are in Deliverance.
Inside a saloon, a black man, who obviously no one knows is black considering the fact that this is the 1800s yet he somehow owns the place, is chillin’ with some chick whose top, I’m certain, is from H&M.
The sheriff leaves the saloon, telling them to be careful, and then mayor and Bowler Hat do so much heavy-handed foreshadowing that the entire set quite literally gets darker. Also, I think Bowler Hat’s hat might be glued to his head.
Oh, look, the vampires are back for more, this time at the saloon. The woman in the H&M top, who shall henceforth be known as Hipster (though I doubt she’s going to live much longer), checks on the little girls, who are understandably freaked the fuck out. Suddenly, Hipster gets taken from behind…not in that way! Though that would make it a more interesting movie. Anyway, the Impossible Family, named so because Hipster is marriedˆto the black man in 1800s America, gets kidnapped by the vampires, but then it seems all the vampires are interested in are the children. Btw, at one point, Hipster says, “Don’t take my children! I’ll do anything! ANYTHING!” and this movie reaches a junction at which it could have justifiably been turned into a porno.
Hipster and Inexplicable Black Man have joined your party. You have gained a set of impractical clothes. Daughtersx2 have joined the other party.
Sheriff tries to stop the vampires, yelling, “LET THE CHILDREN GO!” like some latter-day Moses. But of course shooting the lead vampire, Billy the Kid (yeah, just got that) does nothing, and sheriff gets bitten. Delicious? The mayor then tries to stop them, but get this: just like Rayne’s mysterious powers, Billy the Kid knows Jedi mind tricks and convinces the mayor to let the vampire use his house. Bowler Hat, citing journalistic privilege, is saved. Score one for media privilege, and suck on that, New York Times!
Sheriff has joined other party. You have lost a packet of blood.
In the background, a horse poops. That’s how I feel right about now.
Using what sounds like the theme music to Oregon Trail (told you so), as well as some discarded slo-mo tricks from circa 1999, Rayne rides her horse-again, with the damn horses-towards Deliverance, her arm-machetes gleaming in the sun. I guess she gave up on that whole absolute power and evil thing? As Rayne looks around, I get a good glimpse of her, and I begrudgingly admit that I approve.
Something about her stern jawline just, I don’t know, touches me. You know…down there. Also, her leather outfit. Yum.
Rayne has joined your party. You have gained yet another set of impractical clothes. You have gained two more arm-machetes.
She arrives at the family’s house, calling out their names before finding, as there always is, a discarded doll (why the hell would two young boys have a doll in the first place). Realizing that shit has obvs gone down, she goes looking for them, obviously better equipped with her one arm-machete out. The two parents aren’t lying very far from the house, since Billy the Kid is not only a murderous bastard, but a lazy one as well.
And in what I’m sure was the founding act for feminism, Rayne greets some dude by sticking her arm-machete right under his penis.
Cock-tease no more, Rayne has now graduated to cock-mutilator. Excellent. The dude tells her that Billy the Kid is a “creature of the night,” and sends her off to Deliverance. My bad, I confused these dilapidated buildings with those dilapidated buildings.
When the dude offers to come along and help, Rayne retorts, “Your fly’s open.” This is kind of really amazing.
Arriving in Deliverance, the welcoming committee tries to pimp out Rayne, who goes to Impossible Family’s saloon. Hipster, alive much longer than I previously thought possible, is being sexually harassed by one of her patrons who then threatens to kill Bowler Hat. Wow, one scene, and this guy already has two strikes against him, though his liberal use of the word “cocksucker” reminds me of the truly awesome Deadwood. Rayne walks in and gets checked out, then also harassed, but she knows what’s up after seeing that the dude has no reflection. Choking him with a chair, of all things, Rayne finally gives up when he challenges her to a poker game. And as I watch the other patrons of the saloon, I realize that, inexplicably, the wardrobe budget on this movie is about 100x greater than the budget for the first one.
Oh, there’s the third strike: the harasser calls Rayne a cunt. Go ahead, Rayne. Rip his fucking throat out. Thankfully, they take it outside, because Impossible Family has had enough shit to deal with already, and I presume a gunfight is about to break out.
And in this movie’s I Have a Hearing Problem moment, harasser says, “I ain’t countin’ Chinamen and Injuns,” but I hear “Chinamen and ninjas.” Forget the porno; why doesn’t this movie have ninjas in it?
Your wagon has reached a gunfight. Do you:
a. Ignore it and take the long road around
b. Engage in gunfight
c. Attempt to ford the river
Obvs, b: GUNFIGHT! Rayne wins. Color me surprised. Harasser bites the dust, then Rayne kills his cohorts too before the sheriff’s men shoot the gun out of her heads. The sheriff refers to Billy the Kid as “the boss,” before the music goes DUN DUN DUN and the camera pans to Billy, looking very dapper in his best early-My Chemical Romance get-up.
And, as I think of how ironic it is that Rayne is back in the type of place she was kept in at the carnival before hating myself for knowing such details about this film, I wonder where Rayne’s talisman-eye is. Did she accidentally poke it out? With a spork, maybe? I realize sporks weren’t invented until much later, but considering how many liberties these movies take with facts (a black man is able to own a hotel and marry a white woman, for Christ’s sake!), I wouldn’t put it past them. Bowler Hat congratulates Rayne on her murders so that he can interview her. Instead, she cross-examines him and finds out that “the boss” is Billy the Kid and not, in fact, Gerard Way.
There’s a guy in the other cell, who happens to also be part of Brimstone. Wait. I thought they were all wiped out in the last movie? He just provides lots of pessimism, complimenting Billy on being able to heal himself and lead his people and whatnot. Bowler Hat is confused, but Brimstone Dude just keeps on talking up Billy. They conclude that Billy is waiting for the railroad to come so he can bite the people who come in and send them out into the world as vampires, but…why wouldn’t he just go to a town that already has a railroad outpost? And did this movie actually just become a semi-documentary on the wonders of the Industrial Revolution?
Brimstone Dude has joined your party.
Black dude of Impossible Family comes to help, and we learn that his name is “Bob.” He is now my favorite movie character ever. Bob is too late, since shortly thereafter, the sheriff comes to take Brimstone Dude to the gallows.
Billy, looking slightly Michael Jackson-esque, grabs one of the children, sings to her, then feeds on her. What. The. Fuck. That was quite possibly the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen.
Sidenote: Alyssa just compared the existence of Bloodrayne, the original, to a newborn cat, “slimy with its eyes not yet open.” Her exact word was: “mewling.” And this is my manager, for crying out loud.
Brimstone Dude is taken to the gallows and seemingly killed.
Brimstone Dude has died of hanging.
Then Rayne is grabbed and taken to the gallows as well. Billy comes to watch, bringing Ron Weasley 2.0 with him, which fuels Rayne to the point where she gets her handcuffs off and starts popping caps in bitches’ asses. Somehow, Bob managed to smuggle Rayne’s arm-machetes into the gallows-watching, and she kills the sheriff before diving into a conveniently-located body of water right nearby. The fact that she isn’t burning alive means she does still have the talisman-eye, and I now truly, utterly despise myself for knowing that the talisman-eye made her immune to water. I’m fast approaching Uwe Boll’s level on the Despicability Scale.
Sheriff from other party has died of a slit throat You have gained a packet of blood.
Bob is shot through the heart by Billy. Hipster reacts with her best blowjob face.
Stop porning this up, Hipster!
Inexplicable Black Man aka Bob has died of gunshot wounds.
Open Fly Dude is back, and he helps Rayne out of the water, followed by a lovely shot of some Native Americans in a boat. Excuse me; ninjas in a boat.
As Open Fly Dude nurses Rayne back to health, she’s all, “You’re doing this wrong, I need blood!” And, asking the question that I have wanted answered since the last movie, he says, “What kind of vampire walks around in daylight?” Thank you, Open Fly Dude. Thank you. Then he gets to listen to Rayne’s story of her mother being raped by her drag queen father and so on and so forth, which, just like last time, gets her what she wants: blood. From Open Fly Dude, no less. Really? He couldn’t just, maybe, find a woodland creature and offer it up?
Oh, but then you couldn’t get the bukkake-with-blood scene, replete with Rayne moaning and Open Fly Dude murmuring, “That’s it,” repeatedly. Duly noted. But when Rayne begs for more, Open Fly Guy freaks. No stamina, maybe? Sporks might have existed back then, but apparently not Viagra. He offers to put his blood in a cup for her next time, thereby ensuring that sometime in the near future, Youtube will be abuzz with 2 Vamps 1 Cup.
Open Fly Dude has joined your party. You lose six packets of blood. Open Fly Dude has blood loss.
Oh, look, a church! The preacher inside is an outlaw, but his fire-and-brimstoning reminds me a little too much of There Will Be Blood. At least he, unlike Paul Dano, has undergone puberty and his voice doesn’t crack every two seconds; instead, he speaks in sing-song. Jesus Christ. Literally. And just like so many churches the world over, Priest demands everyone’s money and gets it. And he gets it good: Rayne and Open Fly Dude show him the wanted poster and make him an ultimatum: get handed to the townsfolk, get hanged, or help them. Preacher, rightly so, chooses to help them.
Preacher has joined your party.
Oh, look! The ninjas! At…a brothel? Awesome. Just: awesome. Rayne pretends to be a prostitute to tie the next recruit to the bedpost, and in what can only be considered a brilliant reversal of a woman’s role being to please her man, Rayne sticks her gun in Horny Dude’s mouth and tells him he “doesn’t want to blow this.”
I said it before, and I’ll say it again: Awe. Some.
Horny Dude has joined your party. Horny Dude has the clap.
Then the movie gets bad again when the gang turns serious and talks about how it’s going to be so hard to kill these vampires, but they want to do it for the people of Deliverance. You know Rayne is serious because her jaw is set and her lips are pouty. And, perhaps finally learning that only getting but not giving necklaces was not going to bring her good karma, Rayne gives some necklaces out. Preacher is impressed.
Back at Deliverance, Hipster is sobbing for her children, who are far far away in Neverland with the white Michael Jackson. Mayor tells some lies about how the children are safe and only being used to control the townsfolk, but Hipster and her heaving bosom are having none of it. Bowler Hat disagrees with Mayor, which means Bowler Hat is sleeping on the couch tonight.
The gang returns to Deliverance, which excites Hipster-there’s the subtext I was waiting for! The clock strikes midnight, and I sense an impending Epic Gunfight. Preacher starts a fire, and all hellfire breaks loose. Rayne is shooting people instead of using her arm-machetes, which is really sad because if there’s one thing I loved about the last movie, it was the arm-machetes.
Hipster, hot and bothered, wants to join the fray, but Mayor stops her. Way to kill the subtext, man!
And, in a crazy-ass twist, when Rayne opens the door to Billy’s room, it sets off a trap wherein a sandbag falls, pulling nooses tight around kids’ necks. Man, this guy sure has a lot of time on his hands, doesn’t he? You’d think he would use it to write some bad poetry, but no. Lame.
Now Bowler Hat wants to go outside, and he insults the townsfolk for doing nothing. Finally! Someone with a backbone! And…oh! OH! THE BOWLER HAT IS OFF HIS HEAD! Oh, it is on, motherfuckers.
As Billy feeds on the one little boy who did hang to death, Rayne insults Billy, who creepily stalks around the children, talking fondly of their blood. Seriously, this shit is fucked up.
Preacher and Horny Dude get caught in a trap, and Rayne is stuck holding the rope. All hope seems lost, but I don’t care because I still cannot fathom why Billy the Kid has a Russian accent. In glacier-speed slo-mo, Preacher and Horny Dude, with a guest appearance by Open Fly Dude, start shooting at the vampires who have trapped them, one of whom is using a machine gun; yet another thing that I am 99.9% certain did not, in fact, exist in the 1800s. Seriously, did no one working on this movie ever think to Wikipedia this shit?
Oh, Horny Dude is dead…Horny Dude has died of gunshot wounds. His killers now have the clap.
And there goes Preacher. Except, he only has a shot to his arm, so he manages to shoot the machine gun guy in the forehead before running off. The townsfolk finally get in on the action, but just as soon as Mayor kills a vampire, he is killed by yet another vampire. Wow. A striking contribution from the peanut gallery, there.
Mayor has died of gunshot wounds.
Bowler Hat runs back inside presumably to put his hat back on lest anyone mistakenly involve him in any gun-related shenanigans. Maybe he should have thrown a shoe? But, honestly, who throws a shoe? Oh, no, wait. He just came back for reinforcements, and in true Wild West fashion, Hipster grabs a shotgun from behind the bar.
Ok, NOW it’s on.
Rayne finally makes her move and cuts all the children down (Christ, took her damn long enough). She tells Ron Weasley 2.0 to lead the children out, probably because Harry is nowhere to be found. Or he’s dead. Yeah…probably that. Then Rayne finally starts to fight Billy while Preacher gets killed by a vampire who immediately after is shot by Hipster. What is with the people in this movie showing up too late for everything?
Preacher has died of gunshot wounds.
Back at Neverland Ranch, Billy is totes winning the fight, punching Rayne like she’s some ragdoll. He says some stuff that I can’t understand because of his faux Russian accent, and Rayne gets her second wind. But Billy, breaking his own rules, pulls out his guns, prompting Rayne to utter, “Big speech, small guns. You overcompensatin’ for somethin’?” And that is why this movie is so much better than the first Bloodrayne. Just as he’s about to shoot Rayne, Billy is machine-gunned into oblivion by Open Fly Dude before being staked through the heart by Rayne.
Billy the Kid has died of a stake through the heart. Your party is almost in Oregon.
After the children get out, the following dialogue takes place:
Daughter: “Mommy?”
Hipster: “Yes?”
Daughter: “Sally [other daughter] didn’t make it.”
Hipster, true to name, in a totally flippant and nonchalant way: “Yeah, I know, honey. Yeah.”
That was much funnier than it should have been.
Bowler Hat is now the sheriff, and as Rayne rides off to hunt more vampires, Open Fly Dude has some sound advice for him: “Life is like a penis: When it’s hard, you get screwed. When it’s soft, you can’t beat it.”
And, just to augment how ridiculous this movie was, the subtitles actually had “[dramatic Western music]” as the credits were rolling.
…oh, I guess I made it to Oregon. Huzzah!