I Let the Fear Take the Wheel and Steer
Title: I Let the Fear Take the Wheel and Steer
Pairings: Fabregas/Pique
Rated: R
WC: 2623
Disclaimer: Not true
Summary: Despite Xabi’s best attempts to remove Cesc and Xavi’s decorations, there are still rainbow streamers and hearts everywhere.
“What’s the bet that he leaves the hearts around Stevie?” Xavi says into the camera which pans to a giant poster of the Liverpool captain- it’s surrounded by red hearts.
A/N: This is the first in a set of one shots set in the Top Gear Universe with Xavi, Xabi, and Cesc as Jeremy, James, and Richard. And some say that The Stig will show up and have his own story line. Each story stands alone.
This is for minny150 and bumblebee13 for being amazing (costco/redrobin/minny/jen/nora/wedding= real otp) and for albion_lass for everything that she does for me, for this fandom, for this community, and for being such a great cheerleader ^_^
If his snarling is anything to go by, Xabi is pissed. Cesc is hiding around the corner; his hand over his mouth to muffle the sound of his laughter. Xavi is right next to him, clutching his sides because he’s laughing so hard that it hurts. Xabi’s angry snarls grow louder as he nears them and they both attempt to act nonchalant, as if nothing has happened and standing around in the corridor is normal.
“You bloody pillocks” Xabi rounds the corner, cameraman trailing after him.
He’s covered in multicolored confetti and glitter, in his arms is a balled up mess of rainbow streamers. Murder is written across his face and Cesc loses it, poker face giving way to hysterical laughter. Xabi doesn’t say anything else but stalks away toward the large garbage cans at the other end of the office, a shower of confetti and glitter trailing in his wake. Sharing a conspiring look, Cesc and Xavi run towards Xabi’s office, their own cameraman trailing behind.
Despite Xabi’s best attempts to remove Cesc and Xavi’s decorations, there are still rainbow streamers and hearts everywhere.
“What’s the bet that he leaves the hearts around Stevie?” Xavi says into the camera which pans to a giant poster of the Liverpool captain- it’s surrounded by red hearts.
“He probably keeps a picture of him under his pillow at home.”
“Stop talking.” Xabi’s back and he’s all but frothing at the mouth. “Get out.”
“I like what you’ve done to the place,” Cesc tells him with a giant grin. “Maybe a few sonnets or-”
“OUT!”
Cesc and Xavi slink out of the room, proclaiming their innocence, not looking remotely remorseful. Xabi slams the door behind them and they break out into sniggers. Sometimes Xabi makes it too easy.
*****
“You’re scheduled to appear on a radio show tomorrow and you still need to write your piece for this month’s magazine.”
Cesc is lounging on a couch in one of the mechanic work shops, taking a break from the car he’s working on for their latest challenge. It’s an old Honda from the 1980s, the best car he could buy for fewer than 300 quid, and he’s spent the past four hours fine tuning the engine and realigning the suspension. There’s a spoiler he still has to attach and then he has to paint the whole thing. If he’s lucky, he’ll be able to find some new tires to fit it with. The Producers haven’t let slip what they’ll be using the cars for, but speed is always involved and Cesc wants to be the fastest. He’s sure Xabi will show up in something ancient but classic, probably a Mercedes. Xavi will undoubtedly find an Alfa and star spouting off about the soul and poetry behind driving an Alfa.
“... and Carlota called to tell you she’ll be in town next week... Cesc... CESC,” Cesc opens his eyes and sees the irritation on Gerard’s face. “I don’t see why you keep me around if you ignore me.”
“I’m tired, I’m not ignoring you.”
“You can’t afford to be tired.” Cesc raises an eyebrow and Gerard rolls his eyes. “And I’m making you an appointment at the salon because you look like a hobo.”
Cesc rolls over and closes his eyes.
******
“Oh fuck... yeah, like that... that thing with your tongue... this is insane, someone is going to... oh god...”
Gerard’s hands are grabbing the seat cushions on either side of him, fingers flexing, twitching. His legs are splayed wide open- Cesc is between them with Gerard’s cock in his mouth. He likes to watch his friend’s, his best friend’s, face to see the conflict: lust, the fear of being caught, and the anger of Cesc jumping him at their workplace.
Cesc isn’t sure when he became an exhibitionist or a sadist. Getting caught with his personal assistant’s dick in his mouth would be a career ruiner, if not ender, but that knowledge makes Cesc harder. He knows he shouldn’t be fucking with Gerard like this, pulling him into empty offices or break rooms, playing with his emotions. Cesc can't help it- this is his addiction.
“You need to stop doing this.” Gerard tells him when they’re done, when he’s regained the ability to speak.
“You never say no.” Gerard flushes and Cesc thinks he looks like an overgrown child. “You know you like it when-”
The door to the break room opens. The familiar white helmet of The Stig looks into the room before coming in and making a beeline for the coffeepot. Cesc and Gerard don’t say anything. The Stig never says anything.
“Cesc, red alert!”
Xabi pauses long enough to hiss a warning to Cesc as he runs by the door. Cesc has a feeling Xavi has just discovered the ‘Automotive Injustice’ decal the two of them stuck to his Alfa. Jumping to his feet, Cesc goes to the corner of the room, out of view of the door if Xavi decides to stick his head in. The short presenter comes storming down the hall, too angry to look in the room, choosing instead to demand Cesc’s location from Gerard. Gerard shrugs. The Stig doesn’t move.
When Xavi is gone, Cesc breaks out into giggles while Gerard and The Stig both shake their heads... and helmet. The Stig is about to leave the room when he pauses. Looking at Cesc, he wipes at where his upper lip would be. Cesc brushes at his face; a drying string of come is on his upper lip.
“Uh...,” Cesc quickly wipes at his face, daring a glance at Gerard, whose lips are pressed tightly together. “Doughnut glaze! You know how I am about doughnuts.”
The Stig looks at the box of doughnuts. The box is full. He looks back at Cesc, back at the box, over to Gerard, and back at Cesc again, before shaking his head and walking from the room.
“I don’t think he believed me.”
“There’s more than just your career on the line,” Gerard sounds more disappointed than angry with him when he leaves the room.
* * *
Cesc has few memories of his life before Gerard. He doesn’t remember ever having a father in his life and the only thing he remembers about his mother is how much she cried the last time he saw her. Cesc was five and Carlota was three when they became wards of the state and sent to live in a foster home. Gerard was his foster parent’s biological son, their only child. Cesc’s heard horror stories of the foster care system but he never experienced one. Cesc and Carlota might as well have been their foster family’s biological children too.
Gerard was there for him from the beginning, protecting him at school, sleeping next to him at night when he would cry, and standing up for Carlota when Cesc wasn’t there. When they finished high school, they shared an apartment as Gerard went to college and Cesc went to mechanic school. When Cesc was barely scraping by on his miserly mechanic salary while paying for Carlota’s college, Gerard worked a high paying job he hated and took care of all their expenses, not even blinking an eye at Cesc’s protests. Gerard cleaned him up when he drank too much, sat with him when Cesc was sick, and held him whenever he was scared. Gerard was Cesc’s everything and Cesc felt that he dragged Gerard down.
Everything changed when the right person walked into the mechanic shop Cesc worked at and in a blink of an eye Cesc was an intern at Top Gear and then a presenter. Suddenly he was his own person, famous and with more money then he knew what to do with. Gerard quit his job to become Cesc’s assistant. Cesc could be the richest man in the world and he would still need Gerard there watching him. Even though Cesc is the rich one now and financially supporting them, he still feels like Gerard is taking care of him.
* * *
“I can’t believe you made me come see you at work.”
Carlota’s perched on top of an old Lagonda in one of Cesc’s old coveralls. Cesc is already covered in oil and grease as he works on a 1970s era Vauxhall for their latest challenge. The engine block is out of the car as he tinkers with some of the leaking lines underneath it. The fuel valve in the carburetor isn’t mixing the fuel with the correct amount of air and needs to be completely replaced. The chain system is rusting and he needs to find a chain that will fit. Cesc is glad chains disappeared and were replaced with timing belts because time belts are much easier to replace.
“How’s your boyfriend... er.... what’s his name?” Cesc never remembers the name of any of Carlota’s boyfriends.
“We broke up,” he knows she’s rolling her eyes at him. “Ended up being a jerk.”
“A jerk? We don’t need to break any knees do we?”
“Geri!”
He hears Carlota stand and cross the shop. Turning his head, he sees their shoes approach one another, stopping far enough away so Carlota doesn’t transfer any grease onto Gerard but close enough to lean in for a peck on the cheek. They exchange pleasantries, whisper a few things, before coming close to the Vauxhall. Cesc drops what he’s working on when he feels Gerard’s foot at the end of the creeper. Gerard pulls the creeper with Cesc on it out from under the car.
“Take Carlota out for lunch.”
“I have to finish this.”
“Xavi came into work already. He’s seen the posters.”
“Ah...,” Cesc gets onto his feet and out of his coveralls in record time. “Do you want to come with us?”
“I already told Andres I’d go with him.”
Cesc nods. He grabs his coat and reaches into his pocket for his keys and realizes he’s left them in the office. The office is not safe if Xavi is there. Being here isn’t safe at the moment. There’s a tinkering sound and Gerard holds out Cesc’s keys.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Cesc takes the keys and presses a kiss to Gerard’s cheek. “You’re a life saver.”
Grabbing Carlota’s wrist, he looks out the door to make sure Xavi isn’t there before dragging her down the hall. She calls out a goodbye to Gerard, giggling when Cesc hisses at her to be quiet. If Xavi catches them, there is no doubt that they will be subjected to a tirade lasting hours. An angry Xavi is a mouthy Xavi. Cesc doesn’t relax until they’re in his car.
“You know he’s in love with you,” Carlota tells him as he starts the engine. “I don’t know why- you treat him like shit.”
“He’s my best friend; I do not treat him like shit.”
“He talks to me you know. I am his sister.”
“I know- it’s not like he’s not my brother.”
Carlota wrinkles her nose. “Then you’re sleeping with your brother and that’s fucked up.”
Cesc doesn’t respond. He knows she’s right.
He slows the car down as they pass the entrance of the office building. Above the front doors is a giant poster of a painting of Martin Luther posting his ninety-five theses on the doors of a Catholic Church except Xavi’s face has been crudely pasted over Martin Luther’s and the top of the ninety-five theses is titled “Automotive Injustices”. Carlota snorts.
Xavi walks out of the front door at that moment and Cesc presses down on the gas pedal. Xavi’s holding a step ladder- Cesc put the poster out of Xavi’s reach. Looking in the rear-view mirror, he sees Xavi flipping him off. Cesc chuckles.
* * *
The world is a blur of lights and unrecognizable faces. The smell of sweat, smoke, and liquor permeates every surface. He isn’t aware of his actions or what’s happening around him until he’s on his knees in front of a toilet, puking into it. The stench of vodka mixed with vomit has him gagging and throwing up again. He’s vaguely aware of someone pulling him to his feet, a towel with cold water on his face wiping the vomit off, familiar blue eyes looking at him with concern. He slumps against the wall and passes out.
When he comes to, he’s still drunk and laying on his couch. Gerard’s sitting on a chair, flipping through the channels on the TV, settling on a rerun of a Barcelona game.
“Why do you do it?” Cesc’s mouth tastes like bile and he looks around for a bottle of water he knows Gerard will have put close to him. “Why do you put up with me?”
Gerard gives him a sideways glance before turning back to watch the game. He doesn’t say anything. Huffing, Cesc locates the bottle of water and downs half of it.
“I’ve fucked up your life since we were five,” Cesc continues on, drunk and melancholy. “You can’t live your own life because you’re too busy watching me. Why do you do it?”
“You’re drunk.”
“So?”
“It doesn’t matter Cesc, go back to sleep.”
“Yes, it fucking matters.”
Gerard spares him a scathing look before turning off the TV. He gets up to leave the room but Cesc stumbles onto his feet and gets in the way before he can. Reaching up, Cesc pulls Gerard’s face down to his own, smashing their mouths together. It’s messy and tastes like alcohol. Cesc hates himself for this, for toying with Gerard’s emotions, but this is the only way he knows how to keep Gerard close to him. For a long time, Cesc’s body was his only possession, the only thing he could give to Gerard, the only way he could think of beginning to repay him. But now it’s more than that, its grown roots and bonds that have turned to chains. He knows Gerard will never leave him- he doesn’t want him to.
“I love you,” Cesc mumbles against Gerard’s lips, frowning when his friend doesn’t react.
“I know you do,” Gerard gently separates himself from Cesc, “but you need to go to sleep. We can talk in the morning.”
* * *
A pounding headache greets Cesc as he wakes up. There are 2 pills and a glass of water on his bedside table; no doubt Gerard put them there this morning. He sits up, groaning at his stiff muscles and grimacing at how bad he smells. He doesn’t stumble downstairs until after he’s had a shower and brushed the taste of vomit out of his mouth. Gerard’s sitting at the counter with a cup of coffee and the newspaper.
“What happened last night?” Cesc asks as he pours a cup of coffee.
“You drank too much, I brought you home,” Gerard’s eyes don’t leave the paper. “We talked. You went to bed.”
Cesc mixes milk and sugar into his coffee, wracking his brain trying to remember what they talked about. He can never remember what happens after he drinks too much.
“What’d we talk about?”
Gerard pauses, looks up from his newspaper. “The same thing we talk about every time this happens.” He gives Cesc a loose smile. “If you can’t remember then it wasn’t that important.” He folds the newspaper and stands. “I’m going for a run.”
There’s a frown on Cesc’s face as he watches his best friend leave the room. He has a feeling there’s something Gerard isn’t telling him. He resolves not to drink as much as this has happened the past five Friday nights. Scoffing, he takes a sip of his coffee- he never keeps his resolutions and knows next Friday they’ll repeat the same cycle. Shrugging, he goes to the living room and turns the TV on. If their conversation was been important, Gerard would have told him.
Pairings: Fabregas/Pique
Rated: R
WC: 2623
Disclaimer: Not true
Summary: Despite Xabi’s best attempts to remove Cesc and Xavi’s decorations, there are still rainbow streamers and hearts everywhere.
“What’s the bet that he leaves the hearts around Stevie?” Xavi says into the camera which pans to a giant poster of the Liverpool captain- it’s surrounded by red hearts.
A/N: This is the first in a set of one shots set in the Top Gear Universe with Xavi, Xabi, and Cesc as Jeremy, James, and Richard. And some say that The Stig will show up and have his own story line. Each story stands alone.
This is for minny150 and bumblebee13 for being amazing (costco/redrobin/minny/jen/nora/wedding= real otp) and for albion_lass for everything that she does for me, for this fandom, for this community, and for being such a great cheerleader ^_^
If his snarling is anything to go by, Xabi is pissed. Cesc is hiding around the corner; his hand over his mouth to muffle the sound of his laughter. Xavi is right next to him, clutching his sides because he’s laughing so hard that it hurts. Xabi’s angry snarls grow louder as he nears them and they both attempt to act nonchalant, as if nothing has happened and standing around in the corridor is normal.
“You bloody pillocks” Xabi rounds the corner, cameraman trailing after him.
He’s covered in multicolored confetti and glitter, in his arms is a balled up mess of rainbow streamers. Murder is written across his face and Cesc loses it, poker face giving way to hysterical laughter. Xabi doesn’t say anything else but stalks away toward the large garbage cans at the other end of the office, a shower of confetti and glitter trailing in his wake. Sharing a conspiring look, Cesc and Xavi run towards Xabi’s office, their own cameraman trailing behind.
Despite Xabi’s best attempts to remove Cesc and Xavi’s decorations, there are still rainbow streamers and hearts everywhere.
“What’s the bet that he leaves the hearts around Stevie?” Xavi says into the camera which pans to a giant poster of the Liverpool captain- it’s surrounded by red hearts.
“He probably keeps a picture of him under his pillow at home.”
“Stop talking.” Xabi’s back and he’s all but frothing at the mouth. “Get out.”
“I like what you’ve done to the place,” Cesc tells him with a giant grin. “Maybe a few sonnets or-”
“OUT!”
Cesc and Xavi slink out of the room, proclaiming their innocence, not looking remotely remorseful. Xabi slams the door behind them and they break out into sniggers. Sometimes Xabi makes it too easy.
*****
“You’re scheduled to appear on a radio show tomorrow and you still need to write your piece for this month’s magazine.”
Cesc is lounging on a couch in one of the mechanic work shops, taking a break from the car he’s working on for their latest challenge. It’s an old Honda from the 1980s, the best car he could buy for fewer than 300 quid, and he’s spent the past four hours fine tuning the engine and realigning the suspension. There’s a spoiler he still has to attach and then he has to paint the whole thing. If he’s lucky, he’ll be able to find some new tires to fit it with. The Producers haven’t let slip what they’ll be using the cars for, but speed is always involved and Cesc wants to be the fastest. He’s sure Xabi will show up in something ancient but classic, probably a Mercedes. Xavi will undoubtedly find an Alfa and star spouting off about the soul and poetry behind driving an Alfa.
“... and Carlota called to tell you she’ll be in town next week... Cesc... CESC,” Cesc opens his eyes and sees the irritation on Gerard’s face. “I don’t see why you keep me around if you ignore me.”
“I’m tired, I’m not ignoring you.”
“You can’t afford to be tired.” Cesc raises an eyebrow and Gerard rolls his eyes. “And I’m making you an appointment at the salon because you look like a hobo.”
Cesc rolls over and closes his eyes.
******
“Oh fuck... yeah, like that... that thing with your tongue... this is insane, someone is going to... oh god...”
Gerard’s hands are grabbing the seat cushions on either side of him, fingers flexing, twitching. His legs are splayed wide open- Cesc is between them with Gerard’s cock in his mouth. He likes to watch his friend’s, his best friend’s, face to see the conflict: lust, the fear of being caught, and the anger of Cesc jumping him at their workplace.
Cesc isn’t sure when he became an exhibitionist or a sadist. Getting caught with his personal assistant’s dick in his mouth would be a career ruiner, if not ender, but that knowledge makes Cesc harder. He knows he shouldn’t be fucking with Gerard like this, pulling him into empty offices or break rooms, playing with his emotions. Cesc can't help it- this is his addiction.
“You need to stop doing this.” Gerard tells him when they’re done, when he’s regained the ability to speak.
“You never say no.” Gerard flushes and Cesc thinks he looks like an overgrown child. “You know you like it when-”
The door to the break room opens. The familiar white helmet of The Stig looks into the room before coming in and making a beeline for the coffeepot. Cesc and Gerard don’t say anything. The Stig never says anything.
“Cesc, red alert!”
Xabi pauses long enough to hiss a warning to Cesc as he runs by the door. Cesc has a feeling Xavi has just discovered the ‘Automotive Injustice’ decal the two of them stuck to his Alfa. Jumping to his feet, Cesc goes to the corner of the room, out of view of the door if Xavi decides to stick his head in. The short presenter comes storming down the hall, too angry to look in the room, choosing instead to demand Cesc’s location from Gerard. Gerard shrugs. The Stig doesn’t move.
When Xavi is gone, Cesc breaks out into giggles while Gerard and The Stig both shake their heads... and helmet. The Stig is about to leave the room when he pauses. Looking at Cesc, he wipes at where his upper lip would be. Cesc brushes at his face; a drying string of come is on his upper lip.
“Uh...,” Cesc quickly wipes at his face, daring a glance at Gerard, whose lips are pressed tightly together. “Doughnut glaze! You know how I am about doughnuts.”
The Stig looks at the box of doughnuts. The box is full. He looks back at Cesc, back at the box, over to Gerard, and back at Cesc again, before shaking his head and walking from the room.
“I don’t think he believed me.”
“There’s more than just your career on the line,” Gerard sounds more disappointed than angry with him when he leaves the room.
* * *
Cesc has few memories of his life before Gerard. He doesn’t remember ever having a father in his life and the only thing he remembers about his mother is how much she cried the last time he saw her. Cesc was five and Carlota was three when they became wards of the state and sent to live in a foster home. Gerard was his foster parent’s biological son, their only child. Cesc’s heard horror stories of the foster care system but he never experienced one. Cesc and Carlota might as well have been their foster family’s biological children too.
Gerard was there for him from the beginning, protecting him at school, sleeping next to him at night when he would cry, and standing up for Carlota when Cesc wasn’t there. When they finished high school, they shared an apartment as Gerard went to college and Cesc went to mechanic school. When Cesc was barely scraping by on his miserly mechanic salary while paying for Carlota’s college, Gerard worked a high paying job he hated and took care of all their expenses, not even blinking an eye at Cesc’s protests. Gerard cleaned him up when he drank too much, sat with him when Cesc was sick, and held him whenever he was scared. Gerard was Cesc’s everything and Cesc felt that he dragged Gerard down.
Everything changed when the right person walked into the mechanic shop Cesc worked at and in a blink of an eye Cesc was an intern at Top Gear and then a presenter. Suddenly he was his own person, famous and with more money then he knew what to do with. Gerard quit his job to become Cesc’s assistant. Cesc could be the richest man in the world and he would still need Gerard there watching him. Even though Cesc is the rich one now and financially supporting them, he still feels like Gerard is taking care of him.
* * *
“I can’t believe you made me come see you at work.”
Carlota’s perched on top of an old Lagonda in one of Cesc’s old coveralls. Cesc is already covered in oil and grease as he works on a 1970s era Vauxhall for their latest challenge. The engine block is out of the car as he tinkers with some of the leaking lines underneath it. The fuel valve in the carburetor isn’t mixing the fuel with the correct amount of air and needs to be completely replaced. The chain system is rusting and he needs to find a chain that will fit. Cesc is glad chains disappeared and were replaced with timing belts because time belts are much easier to replace.
“How’s your boyfriend... er.... what’s his name?” Cesc never remembers the name of any of Carlota’s boyfriends.
“We broke up,” he knows she’s rolling her eyes at him. “Ended up being a jerk.”
“A jerk? We don’t need to break any knees do we?”
“Geri!”
He hears Carlota stand and cross the shop. Turning his head, he sees their shoes approach one another, stopping far enough away so Carlota doesn’t transfer any grease onto Gerard but close enough to lean in for a peck on the cheek. They exchange pleasantries, whisper a few things, before coming close to the Vauxhall. Cesc drops what he’s working on when he feels Gerard’s foot at the end of the creeper. Gerard pulls the creeper with Cesc on it out from under the car.
“Take Carlota out for lunch.”
“I have to finish this.”
“Xavi came into work already. He’s seen the posters.”
“Ah...,” Cesc gets onto his feet and out of his coveralls in record time. “Do you want to come with us?”
“I already told Andres I’d go with him.”
Cesc nods. He grabs his coat and reaches into his pocket for his keys and realizes he’s left them in the office. The office is not safe if Xavi is there. Being here isn’t safe at the moment. There’s a tinkering sound and Gerard holds out Cesc’s keys.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Cesc takes the keys and presses a kiss to Gerard’s cheek. “You’re a life saver.”
Grabbing Carlota’s wrist, he looks out the door to make sure Xavi isn’t there before dragging her down the hall. She calls out a goodbye to Gerard, giggling when Cesc hisses at her to be quiet. If Xavi catches them, there is no doubt that they will be subjected to a tirade lasting hours. An angry Xavi is a mouthy Xavi. Cesc doesn’t relax until they’re in his car.
“You know he’s in love with you,” Carlota tells him as he starts the engine. “I don’t know why- you treat him like shit.”
“He’s my best friend; I do not treat him like shit.”
“He talks to me you know. I am his sister.”
“I know- it’s not like he’s not my brother.”
Carlota wrinkles her nose. “Then you’re sleeping with your brother and that’s fucked up.”
Cesc doesn’t respond. He knows she’s right.
He slows the car down as they pass the entrance of the office building. Above the front doors is a giant poster of a painting of Martin Luther posting his ninety-five theses on the doors of a Catholic Church except Xavi’s face has been crudely pasted over Martin Luther’s and the top of the ninety-five theses is titled “Automotive Injustices”. Carlota snorts.
Xavi walks out of the front door at that moment and Cesc presses down on the gas pedal. Xavi’s holding a step ladder- Cesc put the poster out of Xavi’s reach. Looking in the rear-view mirror, he sees Xavi flipping him off. Cesc chuckles.
* * *
The world is a blur of lights and unrecognizable faces. The smell of sweat, smoke, and liquor permeates every surface. He isn’t aware of his actions or what’s happening around him until he’s on his knees in front of a toilet, puking into it. The stench of vodka mixed with vomit has him gagging and throwing up again. He’s vaguely aware of someone pulling him to his feet, a towel with cold water on his face wiping the vomit off, familiar blue eyes looking at him with concern. He slumps against the wall and passes out.
When he comes to, he’s still drunk and laying on his couch. Gerard’s sitting on a chair, flipping through the channels on the TV, settling on a rerun of a Barcelona game.
“Why do you do it?” Cesc’s mouth tastes like bile and he looks around for a bottle of water he knows Gerard will have put close to him. “Why do you put up with me?”
Gerard gives him a sideways glance before turning back to watch the game. He doesn’t say anything. Huffing, Cesc locates the bottle of water and downs half of it.
“I’ve fucked up your life since we were five,” Cesc continues on, drunk and melancholy. “You can’t live your own life because you’re too busy watching me. Why do you do it?”
“You’re drunk.”
“So?”
“It doesn’t matter Cesc, go back to sleep.”
“Yes, it fucking matters.”
Gerard spares him a scathing look before turning off the TV. He gets up to leave the room but Cesc stumbles onto his feet and gets in the way before he can. Reaching up, Cesc pulls Gerard’s face down to his own, smashing their mouths together. It’s messy and tastes like alcohol. Cesc hates himself for this, for toying with Gerard’s emotions, but this is the only way he knows how to keep Gerard close to him. For a long time, Cesc’s body was his only possession, the only thing he could give to Gerard, the only way he could think of beginning to repay him. But now it’s more than that, its grown roots and bonds that have turned to chains. He knows Gerard will never leave him- he doesn’t want him to.
“I love you,” Cesc mumbles against Gerard’s lips, frowning when his friend doesn’t react.
“I know you do,” Gerard gently separates himself from Cesc, “but you need to go to sleep. We can talk in the morning.”
* * *
A pounding headache greets Cesc as he wakes up. There are 2 pills and a glass of water on his bedside table; no doubt Gerard put them there this morning. He sits up, groaning at his stiff muscles and grimacing at how bad he smells. He doesn’t stumble downstairs until after he’s had a shower and brushed the taste of vomit out of his mouth. Gerard’s sitting at the counter with a cup of coffee and the newspaper.
“What happened last night?” Cesc asks as he pours a cup of coffee.
“You drank too much, I brought you home,” Gerard’s eyes don’t leave the paper. “We talked. You went to bed.”
Cesc mixes milk and sugar into his coffee, wracking his brain trying to remember what they talked about. He can never remember what happens after he drinks too much.
“What’d we talk about?”
Gerard pauses, looks up from his newspaper. “The same thing we talk about every time this happens.” He gives Cesc a loose smile. “If you can’t remember then it wasn’t that important.” He folds the newspaper and stands. “I’m going for a run.”
There’s a frown on Cesc’s face as he watches his best friend leave the room. He has a feeling there’s something Gerard isn’t telling him. He resolves not to drink as much as this has happened the past five Friday nights. Scoffing, he takes a sip of his coffee- he never keeps his resolutions and knows next Friday they’ll repeat the same cycle. Shrugging, he goes to the living room and turns the TV on. If their conversation was been important, Gerard would have told him.