Scooby Doo and the Sounder's Swedish Meatball Specter Mystery (2/3)
Mike finds it ironic that for all their home furnishings and decorative items, IKEA doesn’t sell ropes. He’d rather hang himself than deal with this Swedish Meatball Specter shit. The highest thread count of sheets they have is 380 and he’s pretty sure that’s not strong enough. Maybe if he shreds them and then braids them together…
“So this is where the key normally is?” Jeff asks the kitchen manager.
The five of them and Pain Machine are standing in the cafeteria kitchen. Mike isn’t sure what’s more disturbing: the fact that they’re violating state health laws by bringing a dog into a commercial food kitchen or that five of the Seattle Sounders are dressed up as Mystery Inc. Either way, the weird looks they’re receiving from the staff isn’t helping. Mike would say this is the most embarrassing moment of his life but he lives with Roger and he’s sure that moment is yet to come. He just hopes no one with a camera phone snaps a picture because he wants to forget this ever happened.
“Yes and I put it back last night,” the manager grumbles, not meeting their eyes. “I didn’t take it or lose it.”
“Is there anyone who would have reason for taking it?” Erik asks demurely and the manager takes a long look at him, apparently unsure if Erik is male or female.
“It was the Specter!” The manager snaps. “Who else would it be? Now if you’re done, I have a kitchen to manage.”
Before the manager can kick them out, Pain Machine starts whining.
“What is it boy? A clue?” Roger asks, setting the dog down.
They watch as Pain Machine paws at the metal shelving unit, trying to dig out something underneath it. An empty Vitamin Water bottle rolls out and Pain Machine nudges it over to them.
“Look gang, Scooby’s found a clue!” Jeff exclaims, twirling his ascot around a finger.
“Stop calling us that!” Mike snaps.
“Stop ruining our fun, Scrappy Doo!” Brad glares at Mike. “Stay in character!”
“If I have to stay in character then so does everyone else,” Mike bitches, glaring at Roger and Erik, and more specifically, Roger’s hand on Erik’s ass. “I believe Daphne and Fred were together.”
Roger scowls and flips Mike the bird. The kitchen manager twitches and all but pushes them back into the cafeteria. They’re not really sure why the man is so concerned with cooking- the store is empty. Jeff suggests that they search for the Specter, to see if the ghost actually exists. They all start toward the marketplace but Brad stops them.
“No. Fred, Daphne, and Velma go one way and Shaggy, Scooby, and Scrappy go the other,” Brad pushes his slipping glasses back up his nose.
Mike huffs and leans over to pick up Pain Machine. Turning on his heel, he storms toward the showroom. Roger lingers for a minute, fingers interlaced with Erik. No one else is in the cafeteria to see him place a kiss on Erik’s pale cheek before flicking Erik’s nose and turning to follow Mike. An evil glint comes into Jeff’s eyes as he puts an arm around Erik. Roger looks back and a scowl plants itself on his face. Mike snorts- Roger is insanely possessive and Mike’s 95% sure Jeff’s going to have his hands chewed off. It’s kind of cute in a jealous, dark way.
“He’s just fucking with you,” Mike tells the sulking Roger, handing him Pain Machine to take his mind off of it.
“Who will defend Erik’s honor if I’m not there? What if Jeff tricks him? What if the Specter kidnaps him? Daphne always gets kidnapped.”
“…”
Mike’s heard what Roger and Erik get up to at night and he’s pretty sure Erik doesn’t have much honor left to defend. Not that he’d tell Roger that- he doesn’t want a black eye. Once Nate had made the mistake of slapping Erik’s ass in the showers; no one questioned the bruise on Nate’s jaw or why Roger had to run laps the entire next practice. Not that Erik wasn’t possessive too- Mike had never seen the blond as angry as he had been when he shoved and screamed at the Rev who had fouled Roger. Roger had to pull Erik away to stop him from clawing the opposing player’s eyes out. Strange and morbid- that’s how Mike would describe their relationship. Sweet too; Mike didn’t miss their little forehead bump and hair tug exchange after Sammy scored against Chivas last weekend. Mike would be jealous if he didn’t have the room next to Roger in their apartment and have to listen to them fuck all the time.
“When Daphne gets kidnapped, Shaggy, Scooby, and Scrappy always manage to bumble their way into finding her,” Mike mutters. “Fred is just a handsome face- Shaggy had the personality and dorky cuteness.”
The satisfaction Mike feels from making Roger smile outweighs the stupidity of the situation.
* * *
“Jeepers, it’s creepy when no one’s here,” Erik states as they wander through the mass produced Klimt paintings and mirrors in the marketplace section of IKEA.
“You know, Velma really gets the short end of the stick,” Brad muses, his fingers running over a stack of book ends. “Daphne has Fred, and Shaggy has Scooby. What does Velma get?”
“The brains?” Erik is confused by Brad’s question, but ventures a guess anyway.
“Cats and a vibrator?” Jeff suggests; Brad glares at him. “I thought it was implied that Velma and Shaggy end up together.”
“No!” Erik and Brad exclaim at the same time, Erik because he doesn’t want Brad hitting on Roger and Brad because he doesn’t want to hit on Roger.
Jeff chuckles as the other two glare daggers at him. There’s a sign for the bathrooms and Jeff calls a halt. Brad and Erik attempt to follow him into the men’s room but Jeff stops them, pointing to the women’s bathroom. They exchange a glance before rolling their eyes and pushing past Jeff to use the men’s room.
Once inside, Erik faces a problem. Using a urinal is all fine and dandy when you’re wearing pants, but he is unsure of proper etiquette when wearing a dress. There probably isn’t proper etiquette as most men don’t wear dresses. And the tights, that’s another problem. Brad and Jeff are finished and washing their hands before Erik huffs and walks into the lone stall. If he’s going to breach polite behavior regarding dresses and tights, at least no one will see him. Stupid dress.
“Lol there’s an empty Rogaine bottle in here,” Brad says and Erik hears rustling as Brad pokes through the trash can.
“Did you just say lol?” Jeff asks. “Lame.”
Erik can’t see them, but he’s pretty sure Brad is making rude hand gestures at Jeff. Erik silently agrees with Jeff.
“Velma is the smart one so of course she uses internet jargon,” Brad attempts to cover his faux pas.
“Is Velma going to refer to herself in 3rd person all day?”
“Nice ascot you have there Fred.”
“And you wonder why Velma was alone.”
Erik flushes the toilet and leaves the stall before Jeff and Brad can start fighting. As he’s washing his hands, he sees the Rogaine bottle Brad mentioned. He wonders who would apply Rogaine at an IKEA, but he supposes there are all types of people in the world. For a minute, he pictures the Specter with a receding hairline and giggles to himself. He doubts a real ghost would need Rogaine seeing as ghosts didn’t have balding problems. Twisting a long lock of hair around his finger, Erik is glad he doesn’t have that problem.
“You know Erik, you look really nice in that outfit.”
Looking into the mirror, he sees Jeff and Brad looking at him a little differently than normal. Almost how Roger looks at him except when Roger looks at him, Erik feels like everything is going to be okay and a thousand other cheesy clichés. Jeff and Brad just give off the creeper vibe. Weirdoes.
“Thanks?”
“Your legs and ass look nice,” Brad adds.
“Uh…”
“Fuck off Velma, Daphne was with Fred!” Jeff flashes accusatory eyes at Brad.
“Velma’s a lesbian!” Brad retorts; Erik starts inching toward the door.
“This isn’t the head canon version of Scooby Doo!”
“How do you know that’s not canon? Maybe Velma was alone because she’s secretly in love with Daphne. They always shared a bed!”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!” Jeff rolls his eyes.
“Well I never saw Fred and Daphne kiss, so Daphne could have been a lesbian too.” Brad retorts.
“Daphne!” The both turn and look at Erik, who has a hand on the door handle. “Fred or Velma?”
Erik looks between the two of them before pushing the door open and saying. “Shaggy.”
Erik rolls his eyes as he hears them protesting behind him. One thing is for sure- he’s never wearing a dress again.
There’s a rustling noise in front of him and he stops dead in his tracks. Brad and Jeff, still arguing as they leave the bathroom, bump into him. Erik almost topples over but they reach out to catch him. He’s pretty sure Jeff pinched his ass, but he’s too busy staring at the ghost in front of them to care.
“Jinkies, it’s the Swedish Meatball Specter!” Brad exclaims.
“Ooooooooo!” The Specter waves its arms around theatrically, nasally voice booming. “SOUNDERS!!! YOU HAVE BROUGHT THE CURSE OF THE SPECTER TO LIFE IN SEATTLE!”
“Aren’t we technically in Renton?” Brad questions; Jeff elbows him in the side.
“LEAVE NOW OR YOU’LL BE CURSED FOREVER!”
“You don’t have to tell me again!”
Erik turns on his heel and darts back toward the cafeteria, running as fast as the dress will let him. It isn’t until the three of them have collapsed on a set of wobbly chairs that a small earthquake could possibly tumble that Erik wonders how the ghost knew who they were.
* * *
“Dude, whoever was playing in here is the worst player in the world,” Mike scowls at the toy pillow soccer balls scattered all over the floor and displays.
There’s a rudimentary goal set up in between two bins with a yellow IKEA shopping bag as the net. Of the fifty or so soccer pillows, only two have made it into the goal. They’re strewn everywhere and Mike isn’t sure if one strong person or an army of rabid children is responsible for the mess. Mike’s the only one who’s noticed though- Roger and Pain Machine are too busy playing with and jumping on toys and furniture that look unstable. Roger is crawling through one of the long tubes when Pain Machine barks and crawls under a crib.
“Zoinks, Scoob! What did you find buddy?”
Roger crawls out of the tube and onto the floor next to where Pain Machine pulls out a folded piece of thick paper. Roger helps the tiny dog pull the rest of it out, petting him on the head.
“What’s this Scooby?” Roger unfolds the paper and his eyes widen. “Look Scrappy, a clue!”
“Stop calling me that.”
Mike snatches the paper away from Roger and glares at it. It’s a map of the Western states and Canada. LA, Seattle, and Vancouver are circled with lots of exclamation points. I-5 is highlighted, connecting the three cities. For some reason, LA and Vancouver are circled in gold hearts and Seattle is X’ed out in red.
“I guess someone really hates Seattle,” Roger says glumly.
“I doubt it’s important,” Mike tells him. “Probably some damn Californians on a road trip.”
Roger sighs and sits down at a child’s table. Pain Machine hops up on the chair across from him. It’s comical in a depressing way- like the child at the birthday party no one shows up to. Roger is so tall and gangly, and the chair is so short that his knobby knees are at his chin. There’s fake play food on the table, appropriate for the characters sitting at it.
“Are you upset about Erik?” Mike asks and Roger looks at him blankly. Mike grits his teeth. “Are you upset about Daphne?” Roger nods. “You should trust him. He loves you. He wouldn’t do anything.”
“I know.” Roger looks miffed that Mike would suggest otherwise. “I just don’t like the idea of him running around with those two while there’s a ghost on the loose.”
“… You realize the ghost is probably just some deranged psychopath in a sheet.”
“That makes me feel better.” Roger says flatly.
Mike rolls his eyes. If he wants Roger out of this slump, he knows what he has to do.
“Come on Shaggy!” Mike exclaims while simultaneously grinding his back teeth. “Buck up! When we find that ghost, let me at him and he won’t know what hit him!”
“You’re right Scrappy!”
Roger stands up, but before they can do anything, someone taps Roger on the shoulder. Turning around, they come face to face with a white apparition.
“Hey Sounders!” The Specter sounds like a Californian beach bum for some reason. “Like, leave this place and never come back or fear my awesome and mighty wrath!”
“Come on; let me at ‘em and I’ll splat ‘em!” Mike dead pans, arms half heartedly up in a boxing pose.
“Zoinks, better do as he says,” Roger gulps, voice high-pitched.
Scooping up Pain Machine, Roger darts back to the cafeteria. Mike watches him run, baggy clothes flapping around his lanky body, before deciding he should follow suit. Scowling at the ghost, he says ‘Ta dadada ta daaa! Puppy Power!’ and extends his middle finger before stalking off.
* * *
Finally alone, Mike takes his time to look at furniture in peace before regrouping with the others. By the time Mike makes it back to the cafeteria, Brad and Jeff are there but Roger and Erik have mysteriously disappeared. Brad and Jeff and too busy arguing over Velma’s sexual orientation to have noticed the other two are missing. When Mike points this out, they jump to the conclusion that the Specter has kidnapped them. Mike rolls his eyes at the silly idea that they’ve managed to get themselves kidnapped- they probably slunk off somewhere to make out.
“Let’s not jump to conclusions. Let’s just go look for them.”
Brad and Jeff’s expressions of excitement at the fact that Mike actually wants to go look for them are automatically erased as they remember that the Specter is most likely still haunting the showroom.
“Shhhhh,” Brad shushes them and stands up, looking toward the showroom. “Did you hear that?” There’s a faint rattling noise coming from somewhere. “Maybe it’s Shaggy and Daphne.”
Jeff stands from his chair and adjusts his ascot while taking a deep breath to steel himself. “Alright gang. Let’s go take a look. We have to save them.”
Jeff starts trudging toward the noise, the other two and Pain Machine following slowly behind. The rattling noise grows louder and then more faint with every twist and turn in the large showroom. They move through the kitchens, dining rooms, beds, and desks before they find the source of the noise. A large wardrobe is moving, cheap plywood doors making noise every time it shakes. A whimper comes from inside and Mike has to use all his willpower to not start crying hysterically from frustration.
“It sounds like the Specter is torturing them!” Jeff says, crouching down behind a small set of shelves. “Velma, go open it!”
“Velma thinks chivalry isn’t dead and Fred should open it,” Brad crouches down next to Jeff.
Mike rolls his eyes as they continue to argue- he’ll just open it. If there really is a ghost, he doubts hiding behinds thirty dollar plywood shelves is really going to do anything. If ghosts can walk through castle walls, he thinks anything from IKEA would be just as easy. He approaches the shaking wardrobe, yanks the door open, and immediately closes it. There are some things no one should have to see; Mike needs to find something to gouge his eyes out with.
“If you need me, I’ll be dead,” Mike mutters as he passes Jeff and Brad on his way to sit on a couch.
“Was it the Specter?” Jeff asks.
“No, it was worse.”
A strangled half gasp, half moan comes from inside the wardrobe, which shudders a few more times before stilling. Jeff and Brad stare at it in terror while Mike attempts to suffocate himself with a throw pillow. After a minute, the door opens and Roger steps out, a little sweaty, fly unzipped, and a goofy grin on his face. Erik steps out a minute later, headband and hair askew, lips puffy and wet, and through his tights, they can see his knees are red.
“Daphne, you slut!” Jeff huffs, jumping to his feet and crossing his arms. “I’m breaking up with you.” He pauses and looks Roger up and down. “Unless you’re up for a threesome.”
“I don’t get it,” Brad says. “What were you doing in the wardrobe?”
They all stare at him.
“Looking for Narnia,” Roger finally says and Brad nods like he understands- everyone knows he doesn’t.
“Did you find it?”
“…”
“…”
“…”
In the background, Mike curses his existence.
* * *
“Wait a minute; you weren’t looking for Narnia you perverts!” Brad exclaims thirty minutes later as they examine the employees break room much to the displeasure of the puzzled employees they kicked out.
“Oh good, you’re not brain dead,” Mike snarks from where he’s pouting on the couch.
“Do you need a dog nap, Scrappy? You’re getting grumpy.”
Mike rolls his eyes. Pain Machine is sitting next to him, the needlepoint charm on his collar in the dog’s mouth. It’s being destroyed but Mike doesn’t care. He’s looking forward to listening to Jeff whine about it later.
“Oooo look, they have Fifa-12 already!” Roger jumps onto the seat next to Mike and sprawls out. “Let’s play.”
Roger turns on the Xbox and flings a controller at Mike. The system boots up but instead of pulling up the starting menu, it puts them in the middle of an already started game. The score is 3-1 and the Whitecaps are ironically beating the Galaxy.
“Ha! Who would play as the Whitecaps?” Brad snorts.
“We found a map of LA, Seattle, and Vancouver earlier,” Roger mentions. “Maybe it’s a clue.”
“Or maybe it’s a video game,” Mike grumbles, slotting one past Roger’s defender and bringing the score to 3-2. “Maybe we could just go get tacos instead of dicking around IKEA dressed up as douche bags trying to find a psychopath with a bed sheet over his head.”
Everyone is quiet as they turn to stare at Mike like he’s the devil. He takes the opportunity to tie the game.
“Are you not having a good time?” Erik asks him.
Mike pauses the game and turns to look at Erik, who sounds heartbroken at the mere thought that Mike is unhappy. He doesn’t like to see Erik upset, partially because Erik is his friend but mostly because Roger is likely to rip out the still beating heart of anyone who makes Erik upset. Before Mike can lie to Erik and tell him he’s having a swell time and can’t wait to solve the mystery and go to the malt shop and do all the other Scooby Doo things, Brad trips and his glasses go flying.
“My glasses!” Brad exclaims, dropping to his knees and blindly feeling around. “I can’t see without my glasses!”
“You don’t even need glasses!” Mike finally explodes.
He’s had enough of this- of the embarrassing costumes, the weird looks from employees, pretending like he wants to run around dressed like a dog that solves mysteries, and most of all he’s fed up with his friends’ weird behavior. They’re a little too into it for him.
“Oh thank you!”
They hear Brad thank someone from where he’s crawled to the other side of the room ‘blindly’ searching for his glasses. Jeff, Roger, Erik, and Mike exchange a look. If they’re here and Brad is there, who is he talking too?
“Jeepers, it’s the Specter!” Erik yelps.
Mike rolls his eyes and presses ‘play’ on the Xbox. Before he can start playing, Roger grabs him and he’s following his teammates as they dart toward the warehouse section. Mike thinks it would be hilarious if it wasn’t so goddamn stupid. They run in and out of the aisles, the Specter chasing them. Somewhere along the way they become split up and Mike swears he sees a second ghost.
It all comes to a halt when he hears Erik shriek and when they all come back together again, Erik is no where to be found.
“Where’s Daphne?” Jeff demands from the cackling Specter, who is jumping up and down, flailing its long ghostly limbs.
“You should have heeded my warning!” The Specter tells them. “Now you will pay!”
The Specter continues to cackle as the lights in the warehouse flicker and suddenly they’re plunged into darkness. When the lights come back on, the Specter is gone.
“So this is where the key normally is?” Jeff asks the kitchen manager.
The five of them and Pain Machine are standing in the cafeteria kitchen. Mike isn’t sure what’s more disturbing: the fact that they’re violating state health laws by bringing a dog into a commercial food kitchen or that five of the Seattle Sounders are dressed up as Mystery Inc. Either way, the weird looks they’re receiving from the staff isn’t helping. Mike would say this is the most embarrassing moment of his life but he lives with Roger and he’s sure that moment is yet to come. He just hopes no one with a camera phone snaps a picture because he wants to forget this ever happened.
“Yes and I put it back last night,” the manager grumbles, not meeting their eyes. “I didn’t take it or lose it.”
“Is there anyone who would have reason for taking it?” Erik asks demurely and the manager takes a long look at him, apparently unsure if Erik is male or female.
“It was the Specter!” The manager snaps. “Who else would it be? Now if you’re done, I have a kitchen to manage.”
Before the manager can kick them out, Pain Machine starts whining.
“What is it boy? A clue?” Roger asks, setting the dog down.
They watch as Pain Machine paws at the metal shelving unit, trying to dig out something underneath it. An empty Vitamin Water bottle rolls out and Pain Machine nudges it over to them.
“Look gang, Scooby’s found a clue!” Jeff exclaims, twirling his ascot around a finger.
“Stop calling us that!” Mike snaps.
“Stop ruining our fun, Scrappy Doo!” Brad glares at Mike. “Stay in character!”
“If I have to stay in character then so does everyone else,” Mike bitches, glaring at Roger and Erik, and more specifically, Roger’s hand on Erik’s ass. “I believe Daphne and Fred were together.”
Roger scowls and flips Mike the bird. The kitchen manager twitches and all but pushes them back into the cafeteria. They’re not really sure why the man is so concerned with cooking- the store is empty. Jeff suggests that they search for the Specter, to see if the ghost actually exists. They all start toward the marketplace but Brad stops them.
“No. Fred, Daphne, and Velma go one way and Shaggy, Scooby, and Scrappy go the other,” Brad pushes his slipping glasses back up his nose.
Mike huffs and leans over to pick up Pain Machine. Turning on his heel, he storms toward the showroom. Roger lingers for a minute, fingers interlaced with Erik. No one else is in the cafeteria to see him place a kiss on Erik’s pale cheek before flicking Erik’s nose and turning to follow Mike. An evil glint comes into Jeff’s eyes as he puts an arm around Erik. Roger looks back and a scowl plants itself on his face. Mike snorts- Roger is insanely possessive and Mike’s 95% sure Jeff’s going to have his hands chewed off. It’s kind of cute in a jealous, dark way.
“He’s just fucking with you,” Mike tells the sulking Roger, handing him Pain Machine to take his mind off of it.
“Who will defend Erik’s honor if I’m not there? What if Jeff tricks him? What if the Specter kidnaps him? Daphne always gets kidnapped.”
“…”
Mike’s heard what Roger and Erik get up to at night and he’s pretty sure Erik doesn’t have much honor left to defend. Not that he’d tell Roger that- he doesn’t want a black eye. Once Nate had made the mistake of slapping Erik’s ass in the showers; no one questioned the bruise on Nate’s jaw or why Roger had to run laps the entire next practice. Not that Erik wasn’t possessive too- Mike had never seen the blond as angry as he had been when he shoved and screamed at the Rev who had fouled Roger. Roger had to pull Erik away to stop him from clawing the opposing player’s eyes out. Strange and morbid- that’s how Mike would describe their relationship. Sweet too; Mike didn’t miss their little forehead bump and hair tug exchange after Sammy scored against Chivas last weekend. Mike would be jealous if he didn’t have the room next to Roger in their apartment and have to listen to them fuck all the time.
“When Daphne gets kidnapped, Shaggy, Scooby, and Scrappy always manage to bumble their way into finding her,” Mike mutters. “Fred is just a handsome face- Shaggy had the personality and dorky cuteness.”
The satisfaction Mike feels from making Roger smile outweighs the stupidity of the situation.
* * *
“Jeepers, it’s creepy when no one’s here,” Erik states as they wander through the mass produced Klimt paintings and mirrors in the marketplace section of IKEA.
“You know, Velma really gets the short end of the stick,” Brad muses, his fingers running over a stack of book ends. “Daphne has Fred, and Shaggy has Scooby. What does Velma get?”
“The brains?” Erik is confused by Brad’s question, but ventures a guess anyway.
“Cats and a vibrator?” Jeff suggests; Brad glares at him. “I thought it was implied that Velma and Shaggy end up together.”
“No!” Erik and Brad exclaim at the same time, Erik because he doesn’t want Brad hitting on Roger and Brad because he doesn’t want to hit on Roger.
Jeff chuckles as the other two glare daggers at him. There’s a sign for the bathrooms and Jeff calls a halt. Brad and Erik attempt to follow him into the men’s room but Jeff stops them, pointing to the women’s bathroom. They exchange a glance before rolling their eyes and pushing past Jeff to use the men’s room.
Once inside, Erik faces a problem. Using a urinal is all fine and dandy when you’re wearing pants, but he is unsure of proper etiquette when wearing a dress. There probably isn’t proper etiquette as most men don’t wear dresses. And the tights, that’s another problem. Brad and Jeff are finished and washing their hands before Erik huffs and walks into the lone stall. If he’s going to breach polite behavior regarding dresses and tights, at least no one will see him. Stupid dress.
“Lol there’s an empty Rogaine bottle in here,” Brad says and Erik hears rustling as Brad pokes through the trash can.
“Did you just say lol?” Jeff asks. “Lame.”
Erik can’t see them, but he’s pretty sure Brad is making rude hand gestures at Jeff. Erik silently agrees with Jeff.
“Velma is the smart one so of course she uses internet jargon,” Brad attempts to cover his faux pas.
“Is Velma going to refer to herself in 3rd person all day?”
“Nice ascot you have there Fred.”
“And you wonder why Velma was alone.”
Erik flushes the toilet and leaves the stall before Jeff and Brad can start fighting. As he’s washing his hands, he sees the Rogaine bottle Brad mentioned. He wonders who would apply Rogaine at an IKEA, but he supposes there are all types of people in the world. For a minute, he pictures the Specter with a receding hairline and giggles to himself. He doubts a real ghost would need Rogaine seeing as ghosts didn’t have balding problems. Twisting a long lock of hair around his finger, Erik is glad he doesn’t have that problem.
“You know Erik, you look really nice in that outfit.”
Looking into the mirror, he sees Jeff and Brad looking at him a little differently than normal. Almost how Roger looks at him except when Roger looks at him, Erik feels like everything is going to be okay and a thousand other cheesy clichés. Jeff and Brad just give off the creeper vibe. Weirdoes.
“Thanks?”
“Your legs and ass look nice,” Brad adds.
“Uh…”
“Fuck off Velma, Daphne was with Fred!” Jeff flashes accusatory eyes at Brad.
“Velma’s a lesbian!” Brad retorts; Erik starts inching toward the door.
“This isn’t the head canon version of Scooby Doo!”
“How do you know that’s not canon? Maybe Velma was alone because she’s secretly in love with Daphne. They always shared a bed!”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!” Jeff rolls his eyes.
“Well I never saw Fred and Daphne kiss, so Daphne could have been a lesbian too.” Brad retorts.
“Daphne!” The both turn and look at Erik, who has a hand on the door handle. “Fred or Velma?”
Erik looks between the two of them before pushing the door open and saying. “Shaggy.”
Erik rolls his eyes as he hears them protesting behind him. One thing is for sure- he’s never wearing a dress again.
There’s a rustling noise in front of him and he stops dead in his tracks. Brad and Jeff, still arguing as they leave the bathroom, bump into him. Erik almost topples over but they reach out to catch him. He’s pretty sure Jeff pinched his ass, but he’s too busy staring at the ghost in front of them to care.
“Jinkies, it’s the Swedish Meatball Specter!” Brad exclaims.
“Ooooooooo!” The Specter waves its arms around theatrically, nasally voice booming. “SOUNDERS!!! YOU HAVE BROUGHT THE CURSE OF THE SPECTER TO LIFE IN SEATTLE!”
“Aren’t we technically in Renton?” Brad questions; Jeff elbows him in the side.
“LEAVE NOW OR YOU’LL BE CURSED FOREVER!”
“You don’t have to tell me again!”
Erik turns on his heel and darts back toward the cafeteria, running as fast as the dress will let him. It isn’t until the three of them have collapsed on a set of wobbly chairs that a small earthquake could possibly tumble that Erik wonders how the ghost knew who they were.
* * *
“Dude, whoever was playing in here is the worst player in the world,” Mike scowls at the toy pillow soccer balls scattered all over the floor and displays.
There’s a rudimentary goal set up in between two bins with a yellow IKEA shopping bag as the net. Of the fifty or so soccer pillows, only two have made it into the goal. They’re strewn everywhere and Mike isn’t sure if one strong person or an army of rabid children is responsible for the mess. Mike’s the only one who’s noticed though- Roger and Pain Machine are too busy playing with and jumping on toys and furniture that look unstable. Roger is crawling through one of the long tubes when Pain Machine barks and crawls under a crib.
“Zoinks, Scoob! What did you find buddy?”
Roger crawls out of the tube and onto the floor next to where Pain Machine pulls out a folded piece of thick paper. Roger helps the tiny dog pull the rest of it out, petting him on the head.
“What’s this Scooby?” Roger unfolds the paper and his eyes widen. “Look Scrappy, a clue!”
“Stop calling me that.”
Mike snatches the paper away from Roger and glares at it. It’s a map of the Western states and Canada. LA, Seattle, and Vancouver are circled with lots of exclamation points. I-5 is highlighted, connecting the three cities. For some reason, LA and Vancouver are circled in gold hearts and Seattle is X’ed out in red.
“I guess someone really hates Seattle,” Roger says glumly.
“I doubt it’s important,” Mike tells him. “Probably some damn Californians on a road trip.”
Roger sighs and sits down at a child’s table. Pain Machine hops up on the chair across from him. It’s comical in a depressing way- like the child at the birthday party no one shows up to. Roger is so tall and gangly, and the chair is so short that his knobby knees are at his chin. There’s fake play food on the table, appropriate for the characters sitting at it.
“Are you upset about Erik?” Mike asks and Roger looks at him blankly. Mike grits his teeth. “Are you upset about Daphne?” Roger nods. “You should trust him. He loves you. He wouldn’t do anything.”
“I know.” Roger looks miffed that Mike would suggest otherwise. “I just don’t like the idea of him running around with those two while there’s a ghost on the loose.”
“… You realize the ghost is probably just some deranged psychopath in a sheet.”
“That makes me feel better.” Roger says flatly.
Mike rolls his eyes. If he wants Roger out of this slump, he knows what he has to do.
“Come on Shaggy!” Mike exclaims while simultaneously grinding his back teeth. “Buck up! When we find that ghost, let me at him and he won’t know what hit him!”
“You’re right Scrappy!”
Roger stands up, but before they can do anything, someone taps Roger on the shoulder. Turning around, they come face to face with a white apparition.
“Hey Sounders!” The Specter sounds like a Californian beach bum for some reason. “Like, leave this place and never come back or fear my awesome and mighty wrath!”
“Come on; let me at ‘em and I’ll splat ‘em!” Mike dead pans, arms half heartedly up in a boxing pose.
“Zoinks, better do as he says,” Roger gulps, voice high-pitched.
Scooping up Pain Machine, Roger darts back to the cafeteria. Mike watches him run, baggy clothes flapping around his lanky body, before deciding he should follow suit. Scowling at the ghost, he says ‘Ta dadada ta daaa! Puppy Power!’ and extends his middle finger before stalking off.
* * *
Finally alone, Mike takes his time to look at furniture in peace before regrouping with the others. By the time Mike makes it back to the cafeteria, Brad and Jeff are there but Roger and Erik have mysteriously disappeared. Brad and Jeff and too busy arguing over Velma’s sexual orientation to have noticed the other two are missing. When Mike points this out, they jump to the conclusion that the Specter has kidnapped them. Mike rolls his eyes at the silly idea that they’ve managed to get themselves kidnapped- they probably slunk off somewhere to make out.
“Let’s not jump to conclusions. Let’s just go look for them.”
Brad and Jeff’s expressions of excitement at the fact that Mike actually wants to go look for them are automatically erased as they remember that the Specter is most likely still haunting the showroom.
“Shhhhh,” Brad shushes them and stands up, looking toward the showroom. “Did you hear that?” There’s a faint rattling noise coming from somewhere. “Maybe it’s Shaggy and Daphne.”
Jeff stands from his chair and adjusts his ascot while taking a deep breath to steel himself. “Alright gang. Let’s go take a look. We have to save them.”
Jeff starts trudging toward the noise, the other two and Pain Machine following slowly behind. The rattling noise grows louder and then more faint with every twist and turn in the large showroom. They move through the kitchens, dining rooms, beds, and desks before they find the source of the noise. A large wardrobe is moving, cheap plywood doors making noise every time it shakes. A whimper comes from inside and Mike has to use all his willpower to not start crying hysterically from frustration.
“It sounds like the Specter is torturing them!” Jeff says, crouching down behind a small set of shelves. “Velma, go open it!”
“Velma thinks chivalry isn’t dead and Fred should open it,” Brad crouches down next to Jeff.
Mike rolls his eyes as they continue to argue- he’ll just open it. If there really is a ghost, he doubts hiding behinds thirty dollar plywood shelves is really going to do anything. If ghosts can walk through castle walls, he thinks anything from IKEA would be just as easy. He approaches the shaking wardrobe, yanks the door open, and immediately closes it. There are some things no one should have to see; Mike needs to find something to gouge his eyes out with.
“If you need me, I’ll be dead,” Mike mutters as he passes Jeff and Brad on his way to sit on a couch.
“Was it the Specter?” Jeff asks.
“No, it was worse.”
A strangled half gasp, half moan comes from inside the wardrobe, which shudders a few more times before stilling. Jeff and Brad stare at it in terror while Mike attempts to suffocate himself with a throw pillow. After a minute, the door opens and Roger steps out, a little sweaty, fly unzipped, and a goofy grin on his face. Erik steps out a minute later, headband and hair askew, lips puffy and wet, and through his tights, they can see his knees are red.
“Daphne, you slut!” Jeff huffs, jumping to his feet and crossing his arms. “I’m breaking up with you.” He pauses and looks Roger up and down. “Unless you’re up for a threesome.”
“I don’t get it,” Brad says. “What were you doing in the wardrobe?”
They all stare at him.
“Looking for Narnia,” Roger finally says and Brad nods like he understands- everyone knows he doesn’t.
“Did you find it?”
“…”
“…”
“…”
In the background, Mike curses his existence.
* * *
“Wait a minute; you weren’t looking for Narnia you perverts!” Brad exclaims thirty minutes later as they examine the employees break room much to the displeasure of the puzzled employees they kicked out.
“Oh good, you’re not brain dead,” Mike snarks from where he’s pouting on the couch.
“Do you need a dog nap, Scrappy? You’re getting grumpy.”
Mike rolls his eyes. Pain Machine is sitting next to him, the needlepoint charm on his collar in the dog’s mouth. It’s being destroyed but Mike doesn’t care. He’s looking forward to listening to Jeff whine about it later.
“Oooo look, they have Fifa-12 already!” Roger jumps onto the seat next to Mike and sprawls out. “Let’s play.”
Roger turns on the Xbox and flings a controller at Mike. The system boots up but instead of pulling up the starting menu, it puts them in the middle of an already started game. The score is 3-1 and the Whitecaps are ironically beating the Galaxy.
“Ha! Who would play as the Whitecaps?” Brad snorts.
“We found a map of LA, Seattle, and Vancouver earlier,” Roger mentions. “Maybe it’s a clue.”
“Or maybe it’s a video game,” Mike grumbles, slotting one past Roger’s defender and bringing the score to 3-2. “Maybe we could just go get tacos instead of dicking around IKEA dressed up as douche bags trying to find a psychopath with a bed sheet over his head.”
Everyone is quiet as they turn to stare at Mike like he’s the devil. He takes the opportunity to tie the game.
“Are you not having a good time?” Erik asks him.
Mike pauses the game and turns to look at Erik, who sounds heartbroken at the mere thought that Mike is unhappy. He doesn’t like to see Erik upset, partially because Erik is his friend but mostly because Roger is likely to rip out the still beating heart of anyone who makes Erik upset. Before Mike can lie to Erik and tell him he’s having a swell time and can’t wait to solve the mystery and go to the malt shop and do all the other Scooby Doo things, Brad trips and his glasses go flying.
“My glasses!” Brad exclaims, dropping to his knees and blindly feeling around. “I can’t see without my glasses!”
“You don’t even need glasses!” Mike finally explodes.
He’s had enough of this- of the embarrassing costumes, the weird looks from employees, pretending like he wants to run around dressed like a dog that solves mysteries, and most of all he’s fed up with his friends’ weird behavior. They’re a little too into it for him.
“Oh thank you!”
They hear Brad thank someone from where he’s crawled to the other side of the room ‘blindly’ searching for his glasses. Jeff, Roger, Erik, and Mike exchange a look. If they’re here and Brad is there, who is he talking too?
“Jeepers, it’s the Specter!” Erik yelps.
Mike rolls his eyes and presses ‘play’ on the Xbox. Before he can start playing, Roger grabs him and he’s following his teammates as they dart toward the warehouse section. Mike thinks it would be hilarious if it wasn’t so goddamn stupid. They run in and out of the aisles, the Specter chasing them. Somewhere along the way they become split up and Mike swears he sees a second ghost.
It all comes to a halt when he hears Erik shriek and when they all come back together again, Erik is no where to be found.
“Where’s Daphne?” Jeff demands from the cackling Specter, who is jumping up and down, flailing its long ghostly limbs.
“You should have heeded my warning!” The Specter tells them. “Now you will pay!”
The Specter continues to cackle as the lights in the warehouse flicker and suddenly they’re plunged into darkness. When the lights come back on, the Specter is gone.