Safe Sex is the Best Sex (apparently)
Title: Safe Sex is the Best Sex.
Theme: 002. Christmas, Heechul/Ryeowook
Genre: Crack, Comedy
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Pairing: Heechul/Ryeowook
Summary: Heechul gets Ryeowook a very strange present for Christmas.
a/n: i’m pretty sure hangul doesn’t have capital letters but i mean come on, give me a break (of a kit kat bar...damn i want a kit kat now.)!
another a/n: yeah i don’t know what the hell this is. Complete and utter bullshit. You were warned. (hehe) I’ve been in a good mood today. Blame the good mood.
and yet another a/n: okay i know Heechul isn’t really this childish, and Ryeowook isn’t this mean (?) or well anything like they are here but it fit the plot so whatever :P
“Here, Wookie, this is for you!” Heechul said enthusiastically, shoving a small wrapped present into my hands. “But, open it later when it’s just you and me so I can explain it.” Heechul grinned down at me and I averted my eyes, confused. What is it? Why does it need explaining? I looked up and gave Heechul a small, anxious smile before walking out of the living room. I looked down at the present in my hands, and shook it gently.
Later that night, Heechul knocked on my door arrogantly. I quickly turned off my light and fell back against my bed, making a loud breathing noise, indicating that I was ‘asleep’.
“Wookie?” He said as he pushed it open, a stream of light pouring into my dark room. “Wookie? Wake up!” He said. “Ryeowook?” He said a little bit louder, placing his hands gently on my body before shaking my body violently.
“What? What?” I shot up, my head searching the room. “Oh Heechul-ah, what are you doing here?” I said sleepily, trying to make it seem as though I had just been woken up.
“It’s time to open your present!” Heechul basically shouted. “Where did you put it?” He said, rummaging through my desk.
“It’s in the first drawwwwwwer,” I said while fake yawning, pulling the covers off and sitting on the edge of the bed. “What time is it?”
“I don’t care. Quickly open it!”
I looked down at the small present in my hands and was once again confused as to why I needed to open it so badly - it wasn’t even Christmas day yet! Being gentle, I carefully took the tap off one half of the present before it was rudely ripped from my gentle grasp.
“This is how you open it!” Heechul said before tearing the wrapping paper to shreds. Holding the present before his face, he grinned and handed it to me.
“Your own sex guide?” I read out loud, exasperated. I quickly turned the book over to see if this was my present - not some joke like taping on some cover over an amazing book - and quickly realized with great sadness that it was.
“Do you like it?” Heechul asked, his cheeks blooming with pride, as though he had chosen the best book for me.
“It...uh...It sure is interesting. Thanks hyung. Turn off the light when you leave.” I said, pulling the covers over my body and preparing to go back to bed, clearly making it obvious that I was annoyed at Heechul but Heechul didn’t even realise.
“Ryeowook! YAH! I’m not done yet!” Heechul said before rushing out the room, before entering quickly with a whiteboard and some flashcards. Wait...A whiteboard? Flashcards? Heechul whipped out tape from only God knows where and hung the whiteboard against my dresser door, while I watched him, sitting back up, knowing he wasn’t ever going to leave. I mean, he had brought freaking props. I had to give him credit for that.
Taking one of the whiteboard marker clipped onto the board, he wrote in capitals ‘HEECHUL’S GUIDE OF SEX FOR RYEOWOOK’ before placing a small ‘saranghae’ at the end.
“Welcome, Ryeowook, to the Guide to Sex class, hosted by me, Heechul, your teacher.” He said whilst putting on a pair of black rimmed glasses and pulling a tree branch out from behind him. “Any questions before we begin?”
“Hyung, where did you get that stick?” I asked, completely unable to grasp what was happening. Before a blink of an eye, the branch whipped the bed forcefully, close to where I was sitting.
“HYUNG!” I shouted, my heart beating against my rib cage.
“I never said you could speak.” Heechul said before apologizing. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to whip something. I won’t do it again. Promise.”
I yawned loudly as I took in useless information which was supposed to be the rules.
“...3. You must call me teacher. 4. You must always answer me, even if you don’t know. 5. NO eating in class...” Heechul trailed off, clearly entertaining himself, basically thinking of any rule he could think of from back when he was in school.
“And before we start, I bought a desk for you yesterday.”
“You bought a desk for me?”
“For the class. Obviously.” Heechul said as he ran back outside before running back in and placing a small desk in the middle of the room, facing the whiteboard.
“Hyung, I already have a desk.” I pointed out as I pulled up my desk chair and took a seat awkwardly.
“Well, I got you a new one. Get over it. Now, LET US BEGIN!” Heechul bellowed out, smacking the whiteboard with the branch causing it to fall to the ground.
“AISH! Fucking piece o’ shit tape.” He murmured to himself as he bent over and re-taped the whiteboard to the door. “Oops, sorry! I forgot I wasn’t going to whip anything.” He said this time directed at me.
“NOW, let us begin.” He repeated. “Okay. So, class, what is the term used for a male’s private region?” Heechul asked.
What fucking class? I looked around the room, wondering who Heechul was talking to, but my question was answered when I looked back and saw Heechul glaring at me disapprovingly.
“Um...a penis?”
“CORRECT!” Heechul shouted, before swiftly turning around to write the word on the board.
“Now, what is a woman’s private region called?” Heechul asked. Are you serious?
“A vagina.” I flushed as I said the word.
“Ding ding ding” Heechul sounded out, before bursting into his own rendition of ‘Ring Ding Dong’ by SHINee as he wrote this word on the board.
“Now, Ryeowook, what do you have?” Fuck off. Fuck the fuck off. Fucking get to fucking fuck. Fucking fucker. What the fuck is fucking going on?!
“Oh I don’t know, hyung,” still keeping my formality, “A vagina?” I said, sarcasm oozing.
“WRONG!” Heechul shouted as he wrote the word PENIS on the board, taking up the rest of the space left, in a different coloured marker for added emphasis. “You have a penis Ryeowook. A PENIS. A. PENIS. P.E.N.I.S.” Stop saying the word penis!
“Yes, hyung, I know. I was joking.” I called out, stopping the rant of the word ‘penis’.
“Well, the important thing is you have a penis and you need to learn how to use it.” Heechul said, just blatantly ignoring me now. “And I, the great Kim Heechul, am going to teach you.”
“What the fuck?” I said out loud accidently. How old did he think I was?
“Pardon?”
“Nothing..”
“Nothing what?”
“Nothing master?” I tried...and failed. The whip connected with the door this time, Heechul not wanting to cause the whiteboard to fall down, before it broke in half.
“FUCK! NO!” Heechul shouted as he bent over to pick up the stick, grabbing the tape and taped it back together, it now bending out to the side, not completely taped strongly.
“So...what was I saying?”
“I don’t even know.”
“You should know, Ryeowook! Were you not listening to me?!” Heechul threatened me with the branch, which was swinging proud, despite it being broken.
“No teacher, I was listening to you!” I shouted, trying desperately to escape the stick.
“We have completely gone off the tangent, Ryeowook. Shut the fuck up, will you?” Heechul straightened out his shirt and he pushed his glasses back. “Now, where do babies come from?”
“The womb.” Heechul nodded, pleased with my answer, only to be taken aback from the huge PENIS on the board. He wiped it off with his sleeve, the word ‘penis’ still slightly remaining, but he wrote over it anyway.
“Okay enough of this. I’m bored of this now,” Heechul moaned as he clipped the lid back onto the marker, “ON TO FLASHCARDS!” He raved, as he grabbed the small bunch, mixing them up.
A giant penis struck me in the face. Well, not literally - metaphorically speaking. The flashcard displayed a very detailed drawing of the male organ. Oh dear lord.
“What is this?”
“A dick.” I said, feeling tiredness wash over me. How long is this going to fucking take?
“No, Ryeowook. You are incorrect!” He shouted, stick hitting the wall.
“Well, what is it then?”
“It is a penis. A Penis. A. PENIS. P.E.N.I.S. Pee. Eee. Enn..” Oh god, not again.
“Okay, I apologise. It’s a penis, hyung.”
“Correct.”
Another graphic drawing was shoved in my face, this time of a transsexual. Did he draw this himself? I thought as I looked up into Heechul’s face only to find at him looking at me as if he wanted something.
“What?”
“Well...?”
“Well what?”
“What is it?”
“A transsexual.” I said confidently, sure I had this one right.
“NO!” Heechul yelled as he flung the stick down on the desk in front of me, too forcefully. The end of the stick which was carelessly taped on was released from its hold, hitting me smack in the eye.
“OW! MY EYE! MY FUCKING EYE! HEECHUL!!!” I shouted profanity at Heechul, clutching my eye which was now watering. Heechul was muttering the word ‘sorry’ over and over again, but I wasn’t having any of it.
“GET OUT!”
“Ryeowook, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to! Wookie, please forgi -”
“NOW.”
The door shut quietly behind him as I feel back onto my bed, caring for my stinging eye.
“FUCK.” I shouted to myself.
The door opened again, revealing half of Heechul’s head.
“Yourhomeworkfortomorrowistowritea500wordessayonreproduction.” He mumbled before scrambling away.
“Go to hell!” I screamed, chucking my pillow at the already closed door.
Fuck my fucking life.
a/n: haha wow. my longest yet. please leave comments. tell me what you think :D