Missing Link (Trans!Yosuke)
It was two in the morning; Yosuke sat up in bed, unable to sleep. His mind keeps circling around the incident four days ago:
He woke up to the rest of the Team standing over him, his head on something soft.
Chie was nursing her left knee, muttering curses under her breath. Rise looked haggard, with cold sweat tingeing her brows. Naoto sat in a corner, running slender hands through mussed hair, blue felt cap propped on her knee. Yukiko’s stockings were ripped, her broken headband lay discarded on the floor. Kanji examined his raw knuckles, scowling. Souji was bleeding, pressing the wound on his arm while Yukiko wrapped bandages around the cut.
Teddie was nowhere to be seen.
(shit wheres teddie oh my god oh my god what have i -)
“Yosuke!” Teddie exclaimed, and the warm cushion beneath Yosuke’s head shifted. Realizing that his head was in the bear’s lap, Yosuke tried to get up (oh geez this is kind of really embarrassing) when a splitting headache and a wave of exhaustion hit him, like a physical blow to the face, and he shut his eyes. “Sensei, Yosuke’s awake!” (arghh my head shut up ted) “Yosuke, are you OK?” (no i’m not ok) “Can you get up?” (just leave me alone - what the hell you stupid bear don’t push people up without warning -)
The team crowded around him as he got to his feet unsteadily, leaning on Teddie.
They all took it really well, this dark side of his - better than him, really.
Souji had a wide relieved grin on his face, which faltered as Yosuke opened his eyes, looking a little lost. “Um,” their Leader started, clearing his throat before continuing.
Or attempted to, anyway, because at that moment Chie sprang forward and hugged Yosuke fiercely, knocking him into Teddie. “Gosh, you idiot!” She yelled (holy crap, is she crying?) “I can’t believe you let something that stupid nearly kill you! You owe us steak for a year!”
“Gee, thanks Chie, glad to know I’m only good as your meal ticket.” He laughed weakly and pretended that everything is normal, that he isn’t a freak and his friends hadn’t just fought for his life.
As if on cue, everyone else all started moving at once; Chie was still mumbling “idiot” under her breath, holding him tight. Rise scrubbed her tears away surreptitiously before running towards him - “Sempai!” - with her arms wide open. From the side, Teddie wrapped furry arms around him. “We’re all beary worried about you!”
Behind the two girls, Yukiko held one of his slack hands in hers, thumb stroking his knuckles, and Naoto stood up to stand beside Rise, brushing lint off her cap with a half-smile directed at him. Souji let out a pleased bark of laughter then, bounding up to ruffle his hair with a fond “glad you’re back with us, Partner” and a quick pat on the back. Kanji shifted self-consciously and walked forwards, resting a hesitant hand on Yosuke’s shoulder.
“Oi, Sempai…” Yosuke looked up at Kanji as the (other) boy steeled himself to continue. “Jus’ wanted to say… We ain’t going anywhere.”
Souji nodded, looking Yosuke in the eyes. “You’re still who you are, deep down. I hope I can get to know this side of you too.” He then lifted his eyes to stare at something in the distance, behind Yosuke.
The subdued Shadow stared back, bold as brass despite its defeat.
And he had accepted his Shadow, hadn’t he?
“Go on,” Chie urged him, “you gotta accept it.”
Yukiko gripped his hand tighter, as if to send him all her energy. “We won’t abandon you, Yosuke-kun.”
Naoto cleared her throat. “Yosuke-sempai… you are not alone.” With a firm nod, she looked at him with determination. “Please, do not forget this.”
“You have us!” Rise chimed, and Teddie gestured vigorously in agreement.
“We’re good friends, right?”
“C’mon,” Kanji growled, “You can do it - I know you can. Ya ain’t a wuss, Sempai.”
Souji just placed a strong hand on his back, quietly supporting his friend.
“Heh. Let’s go.” Yosuke said with a trembling voice, and limped around to face himself. “Ok,” he started, taking a deep breath (fuck, why is this so hard). “Ok. I admit it. Sometimes I have these -” (really fucking weird-) “dreams, where I’m a girl. A-and I kinda… liked what I saw.” (- but it’s all wrong-) “And… yeah. I think - I think I might - I think I might want to be a girl. Maybe.”
The damn thing is still filing its her nails, a regal sneer splitting her face. (Fuck her, fuck this, why do I -) Ok. Calm down. Deep breath.
They’re still here, and they aren’t going to leave you here.
You can do this.
“You’re me, and I’m you. I get that... And I -” He swallowed bitterly as bile creeps up his gut (damnit why is it so freaking hard?) “I accept it.” (But does he?) “I accept it!”
Still inspecting her nails (bitch), she smirked lazily. “Sure,” she purred, “Whatever you say.” She dissolved into mist
- “Denial ain’t just a river.” -
and disappeared. Weariness leaked into him, bruises molting under the surface of his skin; he wobbled on his feet and his knees buckled.
Souji and Chie held him up while Teddie fretted on the sidelines.
Kanji stepped up. “Coast’s clear. Lessgo!”
“The next meal’s on you, dumbo.” Chie mumbled as she guided his steps.
“Sure… I owe you guys one.”
Naoto slipped up to him, voice low and discreet. “Feel free to talk to me whenever you need to, Sempai.”
“Um, thanks… But I’m pretty much dead on my feet now… Maybe later?” She nodded, waiting for the rest of the team to catch up.
“I’m going to make you a pretty girl, Sempai,” Rise chimed in with a wink, “and Teddie’s helping too… right, Teddie?”
“Yosukeee, I’ll teach you to sparkle~!”
“Ugh, shut up, Ted.”
“You’re so mean! Sensei, Yosuke’s being mean!”
They laughed as they stumbled out of the TV.
So why…
He does not whisper a name.
When he reached into his mind, only faint static answered his call.
His heart thumps black purple stormy blue, and Jiraiya is gone.
Stewing in silence, he was about to lie back (eyes blank voice dead peek-a-boo) when a shimmering leg alerted him to the intruder. “Hey,” the shadow greeted, waggling manicured fingers and flipping her hair. Yosuke’s eyes darted around the room, judging potential weapons and escape routes when he heard her laugh. “Calm down, Yo-chan. I’m just here to talk,” The damn thing tittered at him like he was the most amusing thing she had ever seen, “And you really need it. So listen to your friendly neighborhood Shadow, OK?”
“Why’re you here?” He hissed, careful to not wake his parents across the hall, or worse, Teddie in the room next to his. “What do you really want?”
She rolled her eyes. “Like I said, I just wanted to talk.” Flopping onto his bed, she stretched, back a sleek line against the bedding. After a satisfied sigh, she turned over to face him, an amused glint in yellow eyes. “Listen when people talk to you, geez. Listening is good. Guys dig good listeners.”
“St-stop that! It sounds really gay, y’know!” Wringing his hands - goddamn wrenches are in the closet - he tried from a different angle. “Just say what you’re gonna say and leave me alone.”
“Like I said, listen to people, will ya? I can’t ‘leave you alone’ because I’m you, dambass.” A chuckle raced past her lips and galloped in the air. “Look, I don’t like this anymore than you do; I wasn’t supposed to stay like this after we’ve merged.” Looking at him now with narrowed eyes, she continued. “It’s just that prissy-princess back there is shut out by this massive wall of white noise. Which you created. Because guess what?” She shouted, smacking the headboard; Yosuke flinched. “Even now you’re still running away from me!”
“What the hell, shut up!” Yosuke growled, anger marring his brows and staining his cheeks. “Do you want my parents to wake up? ‘Sides,” he waved his hands for emphasis, “if I’m ‘running’ from you, why did you merge with me?!”
“First off, I’m speaking into your brain; you’re the only one who has to be careful.” His Shadow pointed at him, “Secondly, I’m not stupid. You know what’s gonna happen - the whole “you’re not me” denial, which turns into a fight where I gloat and get my ass kicked, then you go “I accept you” yadda yadda yadda - and since you know, I know too.” She sighed wearily, running a hand through her hair absently, “The team is strong and Souji’s a good leader; I’m not frickin’ suicidal.”
“Damn straight.” Of course they’re good! They’re the Investigation Team. Now, if only she’d go away… “Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, I’ve already accepted you.”
“Pissh, yeah right.” Twiddling her thumbs, she leaned against his pillow with an annoyed frown. “Fine, if you’ve really accepted me - which you didn’t, or else we wouldn’t be having this conversation now - picture yourself as a girl, doing girl stuff that you know you want to do.” She tapped at the side of her head, “Go on; I’d know about it.”
Yosuke glared. “Fine!” Shutting his eyes, he concentrated.
At first there was nothing, then -
Aha! A girl with short messy brown hair, like his own - take that! - in a nice skirt, carrying a handbag…
She’s turning around, and… (a flash of broad shoulders, large hands, flat chest, angular jaw, Adam’s apple -)
His head swam with guilty pleasure, fear and revulsion; he wanted to gag, and the image before him collapsed like a burning doll house. No. This is wrong, I -!
“Hah! I knew it.” His Shadow curled a sardonic lip, flat golden irises shining with scorn (there is a glimmer of pain, in a certain slant of light). “You’re still running.”
“Yeah?” Voice creaking, (damnit, he will not cry -) Yosuke managed to force his words out though a tightening throat (why is this so hard…) “What do you want me to do about it?!”
“You’re clearly not ready tonight,” She rolled her eyes, standing up by the foot of his bed, starting to disintegrate. “I’ll come again some other time to talk some sense into your thick skull.”
“Don’t leave, goddamnit -” She disappeared.
The clock ticked quietly, the hours slipping away unheeded.
He stays awake until the sun rises.
In the morning, he faked gagging noises until mom said he could stay home. Souji texted him (“hey, you ok? too bad you missed daisuke tripping up the stairs - it was hilarious, especially since he went all *flail* with pinwheel arms and all, before succumbing to gravity. anyway, class’s about to start… hope you get well soon! …by the way, kashiwagi’s hitting on me again ;A; heeeeelp meeee” and three minutes later: “ps. if you want to talk, you know i’m here, right?”), as did Chie (“this from yukiko too: dont think u can get outta feeding us tht easily! n take care of urself, idiot! man, youre gonna die catching up w/hwk…”) and Naoto (“Yosuke-sempai, as I have stated in the other world, I am interested if you wish to discuss anything with me. I understand the exhaustion one goes through to accommodate one’s persona. I hope you will have a good rest. -Shirogane. N”). Teddie was chattering right up until he had to go to work (“Yoooosukeeee, don’t go all bleargh on my bed, ok? Byeee!”), and his parents will be working late, as usual (a note on the table: “There are leftovers in the fridge, son. Take care.”).
Alone in his room, Yosuke waited for his Shadow. She did not show up (even if she did, it’s not like I’d have an answer for her).
He stayed up the whole night, waiting; he was deemed too pale for school by his parents the next day, and stayed home again.
(“Yoyo-sempai (cute, ne?), are you doing well? We missed you - lunch just isn’t the same w/o you. Anyway, Souji-sempai is getting kind of worried (and us too!)… wanna hang out with us on Sat after school?”
“Yosuke!” -the springs of his bed groaned from the pouncing- “Are you feeling bearter? I don’t want to keep doing your shifts! And Nana-chan said -”
“sempai - you suck. what do you wanna do by running away from us? we’re your friends, goddamnit. stop hiding from us or else rise, chie-sempai and yukiko-sempai will go over to force feed you with their cooking.
you better be in class tomorrow, dammit!”
“Yosuke-kun: We’re all very concerned about your health… None of us got sick before - maybe you caught something after accepting your Shadow? Immunity probably goes down after taming it. Then again, none of us had to face our Shadows twice… Chie and I are planning to visit you soon, if you want us to…”
“i know it’s probably the 999999th time i’ve texted you, but… what’s wrong? i haven’t heard from you for a long time (2 days = super long for you haha), so… just wondering what’s up… it’s sunday today, so maybe we can hang out? dude, we can talk about anything you want, or nothing, if you want. c’mon.”)
Yosuke feels like crap; it’s not like he’s hiding from them, exactly (it’s just that he’s hiding from them - oh you’re so full of shit he thought miserably). He knows he has to get his Persona sorted - get himself sorted - before he dares to face any of them.
Dinner was a quiet affair with his mother glancing at him worriedly, hands raking through her hair, and the rustle of his father’s paper punctuating every scrutinizing stare. Even Teddie was subdued, sensing the gloomy atmosphere in the dining room, fidgeting and biting his lip at random intervals. Yosuke forced the rice down, nibbled at a strip of fish and washed his meal down with half a bowl of miso soup that burns a path into his gut, trying not to gag. He fled back into his room as soon as he put his bowl down, unsure if he could take another minute of his parents’ concern and Teddie’s confusion. Nothing new here people, just Hanamura Yosuke running away again.
The TV blared all night, a wail in frozen air; even Teddie tiptoed his way to his room at 10:30, as though avoiding landmines. His parents went up to check on him, once or twice, so he locked the door and pretended to sleep.
Under his covers, Yosuke curled thin fingers into fists, staring at the orange clock with tropical fish swimming in its tank on the far side of the wall.
Tick, tock.
Nothing changes.
The clock struck midnight, and her presence is a sharp twist of jagged glass blunted by dreams.
“Aww, were you waiting for me?” She crooned and sat at the edge of his (their) bed. “That’s sweet.” She smirked, twiddling a strand of hair with her index finger. “Anyway, you thought about what I said?”
“There’s nothing manly about being a woman!” He hissed, and she only laughed - a roaring, derisive, animal moan.
“Stupid,” she giggled, “listen to what’s coming out of your mouth!” Wiping tears from the corner of her eyes, she made some attempts to quiet down before bursting to giggles again.
Yosuke’s face darkened, lips pressed into a thin, pale line, back trembling with suppressed emotions. “Shut up.” Of course he knew how little sense he made! It’s him. The one thing - only thing - you could count on is Hanamura Yosuke fucking up.
Every.
Single.
Time.
(Everyone else was fine, but why me? Why can’t I catch a break for once? Just once? What the hell did I do to deserve this?! Why…)
His fingernails dug into his palms. “Shut up!”
She craned her neck, pink lips curved in a serene smile, amusement hovering in her bright lemon-yellow eyes - he wants to rip that face off -
“Yosuke?” Footsteps. “Honey, is something wrong?”
She was still smiling.
He bit his lip, hard; the reddened skin flashed white, then gave. A bead of blood trembled in the still air before his angry tongue erased its existence.
“Answer Mom, doofus.” She arched her back in one fluid line, the cracks of her spine popping like gunfire. She would have been torn apart by hellhounds if looks could kill. “Tch. C’mon, other-me, don’t gimme that look.”
“Fuck you.” He spat. Then, speaking in a sleepy voice as if nothing happened, he mumbled confused apologies: huh? Oh, sorry, Ma, must’ve been speakin’ in my sleep. Sorry.
“Go back to sleep, baby; you need rest.” His mother’s warm buttermilk voice simmered through the locked wooden barrier. After a few seconds, he could hear her shuffling slippers. “If you need anything just yell, OK?”
“…’K.” He mumbled, and waited until her footsteps faded into the night before looking at his Shadow again.
She looked into his eyes and clapped, slow and mocking. “Well, aren’t you a good actress,” she sighed when he whipped his head away, breaking eye-contact, and gave her the bird. “I really don’t understand how Jiraiya let himself be bound to you - you still hide from those who matters. How’s that gonna help anyone?”
(Why am I…)
“Like you actually know anything.” Yosuke muttered sourly. At least he could understand what Jiraiya wanted him to do, even though he’s scared shitless - stuff like it’s OK to not act cool all the time, or that he shouldn’t care about what other people think so much, should -
“’Just be yourself’, right?” A lazy yawn. “Why doncha listen to advice for once, hmm?”
“Fuck. Off.”
“Sure, honey, I’ll go do that.” She blew him a kiss dripping with distain. “Buh-bye, see ya soon.” She gave one last stretch as walked towards the door, twisting the knob. The door popped open, and she vanished in the middle of her stride.
Well, good. Now maybe he could finally get some damn sleep. Fuck all of this; he bets no one else has gotten this much crap from their Shadows, so why him? What’s wrong with him?
He wishes he was more of a man to be less of one; he wishes that he didn’t care about how people look at him so much - is what he asks so hard? Souji doesn’t care, and people love him anyway (but he almost forgot: Souji’s not weird, or dumb, or anything like me, really); Chie knows what she wants to do and she goes for it, whatever everyone else might say; Yukiko was pretty before, but she really lights up now (and unlike her brilliant laugh he just opens his mouth to talk trash); Kanji is getting better about doing he wants and what he’s good at; Rise accepts herself for who she is; Teddie is just a dumb bear, but even he wants to know himself (him? He just wants to forget the whole thing, pretend this doesn’t exist); Naoto has her insecurities, but she doesn’t let it get to her in the end - she has better things to do than wallowing in a pity-fest.
And what about his parents? Mom looks ready to snap any moment, and Dad never offer one of his lame jokes anymore. If seems that only a handful of families didn't want them to die in a pit of fire; what'll happen if someone other than the gang knows? Goddamnit, why does nothing go smoothly for once in his life?
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
(Why am I so…)
Weak. He felt arms wrapping themselves around him and flinched.
His Shadow rolled her eyes (but her eyes are brown, brown with golden flecks-), waving a hand for emphasis. "Before you get the wrong idea, I'm didn't come back to do the comforting bullshit." She crossed her arms and huffed, looking away. "Just reminding you what a dumbass you are."
"Go away."
"Geez, stop looking like someone killed your fucking puppy; the frown's gonna stick."
He snorted, sharp and ugly. "Ha, easy for you to say. You don't have to deal with everyone else, you bitch, you don't have to watch them judge you and decide you're not good enough, you don't have to -"
Smiling a little grimly, she forced his chin up until his eyes are leveled with hers, brimming with determination. "You don't get it, do you? You and your little friends, you think you're not judging me? You think only you're facing the big, scary world?" She sighed. "You're me and I'm you, idiot. I'm not the bits you like best - hell knows you're a wuss- but you think I'm happy when people call Dad 'robber' and Mom 'gold digger'? You think it's so easy to show up and get yourself tamed?"
"I - "
"You have friends," she continued, a wounded look on her face, " We Shadows have nothing. Take it from me; you'll be fine, dumbass."
Well yes, Souji and everyone else stood by him, but... what about his parents? What about the other people here? Inaba is too small for anonymity, there's nowhere to hide.
She snorted, and he whipped his head up. "Look, Mom and Dad are a-okay with this stuff. You used to live in the city, remember?" Her eyes harden. "And as for everyone else, screw 'em. I mean," she spread her hands wide and shrugged, "who cares about them? They're not your friends, and whatever you do is just gonna piss them off anyway. You aren't the problem here." She smirked at him again, but this time, it was almost... friendly. "'Sides," She breathed, still as gravel. “It’s gonna be OK. We’re gonna be OK.” Her fingers laced through his, gripping gently. He has his friends. He has people who love him. He is not the problem. He is going to learn. He is going to be true to himself, from now on.
Or at least, try.
“Right,” He swallowed (take a bet and sail on the wind). “OK. I think… I’m gonna try.”
Who knows what the future will bring? It might work out, it might not, but -
He’s ready to accept himself (herself?) and live.
She smiled - it’s the most beautiful thing in the world - and dissolved into a tall woman with thick black hair pulled into two buns, held in place with lacquered green combs. Her eyes and nose are covered with a black visor edged with intricate golden patterns, cheeks and mouth protected by a dark cloth mask. In a black long sleeved bodysuit, she spotted elbow length gloves of shifting green, shuriken attached on its palms, and a pair of sturdy white boots trimmed with velvet night. A white happi adorned her body, its collar muted by camouflage green, obi shining in the same color.
The same scarf, a flicker of flame fluttering against the wind.
Jiraiya.
This, perhaps more than anything, proves that he is still who he was; just another aspect discovered, that’s all.
“Thank you,” he whispered reverently, and whispered again. “Thank you, Kushinada-Hime.” Now a burble of contentment sighed in the depths of his consciousness; her happiness is a lullaby rocking against the ocean, its paean soothing him into slow slumber.
He wakes the next day to a glowing sun, and decides that he isn’t going to run anymore. (Glancing at the clock blinking 7:45, he conceded that perhaps he should sprint for it if he doesn’t want detention on the first day of the week.)
Today is going to be a good day.