C'est la vie.
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Well, it happened. Some say it was inevitable. Perhaps. I know I didn't see it coming.
I went up to Washington last week to visit C. It started out amazing as I thought it would be, a fun and cute little airport reunion, went back to his house to drop off my stuff, met K (who was really awesome, by the way), then went out for a drink. Little did I know that that would be one of the best parts of the weekend.
Something happened to my C in the three weeks he moved and then I saw him again. I don't know if he changed, or just regressed back to what he was like when he was with K, but the C I went and saw was not the C that I know. He was not my C. I don't know who it was. I flew 2000 miles to basically spend the entire weekend by myself. When we would go and do stuff, he would do his own thing and I'd pretty much be left alone to do whatever. The C that I know would NOT have let me out of his sight. When we were together here, we were always together. He showed me affection. He was right by my side. It was as if I had to force the Washington C to even hold my hand. It was so strange for me...I didn't really know how to handle it other than just shut down. Maybe that was the wrong way to handle it, but when I feel rejected, alone, and abandoned, I feel worthless and therefore just kind of shut off.
I called him on it Sunday night after waiting in his room for three hours by myself, and it basically escalated to the point to where we were talking about his lack of effort in our new long distance relationship. He left here saying he wanted me, that he wanted to give it a shot, that he wanted to make this work. After three weeks of being there, after I flat out asked him if he wanted to make the effort and the relationship work and he answered, "No", I had him take me to a hotel and I left Washington a day early. We are no longer together.
My head is still spinning. I don't know the man, no, the boy, who I just visited in Washington. The MAN C I know would NEVER have treated me the way he did; in fact he promised me he never would. But it takes a special kind of asshole to treat me like he did after I dropped a ton of money to go see him. I feel like I cut him a lot of slack when he moved there because it was super stressful. I know how it is moving into a new city, looking for a new job, blah blah. It's not a fun process. But I can't sympathize with you when you sleep until noon, don't make any effort on finding a job, and just smoke pot and watch TV shows on your laptop all day. That's not the C I know. I don't know who he is.
My C is gone forever, and that's something that's been plaguing me for the past week. I will NEVER see that man again. I will never feel his touch again, I'll never see the look in his eyes again that I'm the most precious thing to him. I won't be able to roll over to him in the morning, feel his hand on my face, and get the best morning kiss. I hate seeing him the way he is, but apparently it's what he wants. It's what his life is now. I know I don't fit in that life. I want to be someone special. I want to feel special. I'm not a placeholder.
So to you, Washington C, I say good riddance. You will end up alone. You have no idea how good you had it with me. If you don't change, you will end up doing the same thing day in and day out. You were a good man when you lived here. You cared about other people besides yourself. You treated me the way a man should treat his girlfriend. If you ever get in touch with my C, tell him I miss him terribly.
Until then I will heal. I will fall out of love with you, and I will find a man who KNOWS my worth and does not take advantage of it and will fight to the ends of the earth to make sure I'm his. I would have liked it to have been you, but you're not a man anymore. You're just a boy. So you can stay a boy and enjoy your indulgences. Me? I'm going to stay a strong woman and move on with my life. C'est la vie, I guess. You win some, you lose some.
"At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss."
-Paulo Coelho