Normal or pathetic?
Другие записи: Угарное видео | Немного счастья | День 2010.06.03, Точное время 21:37:00 | Новая версия бесплатной программы для риэлторов Риэлтор ПРО
Today I was blessed by some fond dream that we'd never even met in the first place and my skin felt so clean.
Caution: The following words aren't as eloquent as previous posts. This is me bitching.
It's been 2.5 months since my last blog and since C and I broke up. I've been doing a lot of healing, a lot of crying, a lot of questioning, and I'm not sure that I've really made any progress. I mean, I know I fell way too hard and way too fast for this guy, and my heart is still obviously paying the price, but is this normal?! I've never fallen for someone this deep before, so crawling back out of this damn abyss is harder than I thought it would be. I feel pathetic because I know he's moved on and that nothing was ever real for him...shouldn't that make it easier for me?
Oddly enough, K and I have started to become friends. I helped her out of a bind a couple of weeks ago and we've been talking a lot since. We had a very enlightening conversation one night in which both of us realized that neither of us really ever knew C. I honestly think she knows who he is but still can't believe the shit he pulls, but I know I NEVER knew him. He fed me a lie the entire time we were together, creating my own "fantasy relationship" for me (though it was FAR from that), and basically was just a selfish asshole the entire time. How can I still be in love with someone like that?
How can I still be in love with someone who was flirting with someone else, leading another girl on while we were together? How can I still be in love with someone whom I'm not sure was faithful to me while we were dating? I'm not sure how I can still be in love with a manipulator, a liar, and just an all around jerk, but I am. Well, I guess I'm not. I'm in love with the "fantasy" of who he was...the façade that he gave me. Since I never really got to know him I can't really say that I'm in love with him. Shouldn't it then be easier to fall out of love with someone who doesn't exist?
I really think the only thing I can do to get over this douche is to just date again. I tried masking the feelings with sex, and that didn't really work out so hot. It's just trying to not date someone like him or B again that's the problem. Who wants to go through this kind of pain again? I'm no masochist. Finding a decent guy who is sincerely interested in the person I am instead of the person underneath the dress is extremely difficult to do, but onward we must go. We all get used in life, right? Bring it on.
Fuck.