(no subject)
I don't know what to do! This isn't an unusual thing--I spend a lot of time staring at piles of books, or stacks of paper, or groups of people, thinking exactly the same time. Sometimes shouting it, sometimes flailing at it a bit, sometimes thinking that if I ignore it long enough the problem will get solved. But the thing is, when I say it... I'm lying, just a bit. I usually do know what to do. I at least know the options. I at least know the consequences of various actions, and can choose accordingly.
But I really don't know what to do about this. I want to go to college. I know that much. There's a lot I could learn, I will need it to have a life in which I can support myself, etc. etc. I am excited about college, sometimes. The idea of trying something new, of getting out of here and just throwing myself into something that might actually have an impact on my life, that's a nice thought.
But I don't want the debt, and I don't want my parents regretting my choice, and I don't want me regretting my choice, either. And yes, there is always that issue of attachment. And I'm not sure I'm ready for that leap yet. Especially if it means going to school and trying to work at the same time. Four years of that might be all right if I had some sort of goal, but if I lose faith in it... not so much.
At this point, I am seriously considering doing my college visits, deciding which one I like best... and asking them if I can start a year late. I'll be getting a job as soon as summer starts (and possibly a bit sooner--Mindy mentioned an opening where she works and now I haven't been able to get that thought out of my head). It is entirely feasible that I could stay in Mark's apartment, which would a) get me out of my own house and b) be closer to most places I could work. Having that extra money for the first year would hopefully keep me from having to work myself ragged during those four years. Though it's entirely possible that a year away from school would kill me. It's happened before. Maybe it would be different if I were around people, but still... I need that quest for knowledge, in some shape or form.
And if it really comes down to a question of whether or not we can afford it, there's always St. Mary's, isn't there? It's so damn close, but even without a scholarship, it's a lot less than any of the others. I could even go ahead and apply for the spring semester now, while it's still easy to get ahold of my transcripts.
Just... really wish I knew what I was working towards right now.
In other news, it would be really nice if I would stop being sick right about now. So much work to do tonight, and yet I came home and instantly crashed for another four hours. The coughing is getting painful, and this light-headed wooziness really needs to end. It's not conducive to studying. Or to not sounding like a tuberculosis victim.
Also... prom? Um, is it really necessary? No? Then let's not bother with the formalities and just run out and do something fun instead, okay? So far, arguments to the contrary have been illogical and poorly-executed. And I'm not even talking about after parties, which around here probably do mean just drinking and doing whatever drugs can be found... I mean, how about a movie? It wouldn't even have to be at a theatre; I am all about the staying-at-home-cuddling-and-throwing-popcorn-at-each-other kind of movies. Go out to dinner? Get some ice cream? Drive around and just be normal and carefree like usual? Maybe I am just not being girly enough about this.
Somehow, "Lordship and Bondage" seemed a more promising title. Way to let us down, Hegel. Actually, this turned out to be the most interesting philosophy debate we've had in a while, because after fifteen minutes we realize there were two different interpretations to go with... and we still don't know which one is correct. We got about half-way through the second paragraph by the time class was over, so hopefully we'll make more headway tomorrow. I still swear it only makes sense if you think of the two self-conscious "things" as being within a single person, rather than saying than for a person to be truly self-conscious they need to have another self-conscious person to "compare" themselves to, for lack of a better word, but I could be wrong. It just... makes more sense. Because to try and evaluate one's own self-awareness, it becomes necessary to set up a second mind, almost, some way of looking at oneself from outside of oneself. The difference between thinking and being/existing got dragged in at one point. But really, it was nice to have something that deep at school. Don't get that a lot these days.
Eurgh. Mango drool. On the leg. Which is just all sorts of icky.