i'm not a slut, i promise.

[chamcha]

i need some advice about a sticky situation i've embedded myself into. my friends have given me crap advice like i should play mind games with this guy, etc.

Comments

[esprix]

You may have already poisoned the well by sending mixed messages. If I were you I'd ask him out on a casual date and talk to him face to face (without being naked). And don't get clingy.

On another note, you're saying you don't want to jump into something else, but you "like him a lot." What, exactly, DO you want?

[chamcha]

sounds OK. clingy's not something i have a problem with.

honestly, i don't know what i want. i do know that casual sex has left me wildly unfulfilled. i also know that my last two serious relationships were with guys i really wasn't right for. i have no expectations with this guy, but i'd like to see where things could go.

[esprix]

My definition of dating has always been "spending time with someone to decide if I want to spend more time with them." Try taking naked kissing out of the equation for a while and get to know him socially. (This may be why your last relationships didn't work out, perhaps?)

[chamcha]

this is definitely why my last relationships didn't work out. they started from intense sexual attraction and were fueled by a mutual shame for extra-relationship sex. of course that attraction faded and we weren't left with much else.

[muddyslush]

If you guys tried to make plans that didn't work out because of an external situation (his job), then it doesn't sound like anything awful is happening. It also sounds like he was into the idea of having sex but there hasn't been a great opportunity for it. I'm not seeing anything catastrophic here, other than your schedules seem incompatible.

I'd suggest acting relaxed about it, but let him know you'd enjoy getting dinner with him or some such, and then try to enjoy spending time with him without expectations. I don't think you need to be super clear about what you want yet, but it sounds like you're clear that you enjoy spending time with him and find him attractive, which is reason enough to see a person for a while as far as I'm concerned, without needing to make some big declaration of intention. You don't need to rush into sex or a relationship.

[chamcha]

the thing is though i feel like he really isn't interested in casual sex. and i feel like he's less than eager to see me because he thinks that's all i want.

[muddyslush]

From what you've said, it sounds like he's given you some encouraging signals. I'm sure others do, but I do not understand the line between "casual sex" and sending suggestive texts/naked making out. So sounds like he's giving some conflicting signals as well. Why invite you to drive up to see him when he's only got so much time before work?

I don't know, I get that you have these ideas of what he's thinking/feeling and may want to address it head on. I think only your behavior can convince him that's not what you want, so I'm suggesting you behave like a chill person who wants to get to know him better and take things slow. If you can get him into a conversation, I'd say something like, "Hey, I'm really liking getting to know you and hope we can continue to do so." and leave it at that unless he wants to process other shit. If he's made up his mind about you and is distancing himself from you, then there's not much you can do to stop that from happening.

[dom_ino]

Let's see: you're slutty and are ashamed of it, and you want more than just casual sex but don't seem to know how to connect with people without fucking first

[esprix]

So what was the outcome?

[jcstarbrand]

I don't understand his saying he's fine with sex, he's just waiting till he has time to do it right, but following it up with saying that you're being too forward?

Meaning what? Sex is fine but talking about it isn't?

Or that sex wasn't on the table after naked making out? Come on.

Just as well it's shut down, you can't have a real relationship with a guy who won't talk about things. And a real relationship sounds like what you're looking for.

[chamcha]

thank you! i was confused when people said i was sending mixed signals. my signals have been constant. HE'S been sending mixed signals.

yeah moot point anyway. i asked why he was single shortly after we met and he said because he was crazy. i think he was only half joking.

[jcstarbrand]

Yeah, always listen when people tell you that. :-)