∞ Appointments Post ∞

[whats_a_sneeze]

This is a personal appointment post for anyone who wants to contact whats_a_sneeze without going to the trouble of setting up a log/journal; as I'll say with all my characters, if you have any reason to contact her at all, go right ahead here! Voice, Video, Written, or Action is completely acceptable.

Please put the the month and the type of communication-i.e. [

Comments

[written - September 15]

[imatreenow]

[...He must be a masochist. Despite telling himself to ignore her words, to forget her, to never look back...it won't go away. She won't go away. For months it's been like this, and writing to her over the journal last month sharpened the inexplicable tug.

He's scared. But more than than that, he's lonely. He can't stand it. He couldn't stand it back then either; he never could "be okay" with it, for all those hundreds of years his heart passed in solitude. All that kept him hanging on was the hope that he would one day be reunited with his sister and they could live happily together. All he has now is the knowledge that she did not want what he sought in her name, and the trembling dread that she could be taken away again in an instant as he tries to piece together their happiness.

His heart is pounding, shaken by fear's grip. He shouldn't be doing this. He really shouldn't. He knows better than this. But...she won't know it's him. He can't get hurt if she doesn't know. There's no attachment. ...That makes it okay, right? Making

Re: [written - September 15]

[whats_a_sneeze]

[...

She runs a thumb over the end of the sentence, thoughtful.]

I'm here. I remember you.

Is everything alright?

[written - September 15]

[imatreenow]

[In the gap between his message and her reply, he worries that she's forgotten. It wouldn't be unusual, for her. Then...he briefly wonders if she's forgotten who he is -- not the anonymous person contacting her, but Mithos. ...That would be a good thing, wouldn't it? Everything would be easier with distance. Maybe she would finally leave him alone and he could move on... That thought leaves him feeling emptier than it should.]

No, I [...He didn't think about what to say beforehand; he's running on raw intuition.]

I'm not alright.

Re: [written - September 15]

[whats_a_sneeze]

[She offers a small, helpful smile.]

Tell me about it, then.

[written - September 15]

[imatreenow]

[It's none of your business -- his automatic reply, the quickest way to build a wall around himself. He doesn't have to answer. He could just shut the journal and pretend this never happened.

Then why did he write to her in the first place? There's something he's looking for. Something that's preventing him from turning back, against the cut-and-dry directions logic is screaming at him. He's always run away because he isn't strong enough to deal with the possibility of getting hurt. He isn't running now but he doesn't feel any stronger; he still feels weak, for caving in around her. Around her words, her smile, the memories of an insignificant wisp of time that somehow stands out amid the thousands of years he's lived.]

I'm [lost scared alone sad] confused about a lot of things.

I don't know what to do.

Re: [written - September 15]

[whats_a_sneeze]

Did something bad happen? Are you okay?

[She's not sure what has brought him such confusion, but she wants to at least make sure he's safe.]

[written - September 15]

[imatreenow]

I'm unharmed. [Physically. His heart, though... That's a different matter; it always is.]

Someone very close to me [his pen hesitates -- is he really going to say all this to her? Can he do that?] thinks I'm wrong. Everything I've done was for her, but it isn't what she wanted. [He can't exlain without giving himself away. Somehow, the details aren't important. There's only the pulsing core of ugly truth.]

I thought she understood. I need her to understand.

Re: [written - September 15]

[whats_a_sneeze]

I see...

That must be hard, hearing that. I know that many just want to do what they think is good for the people they love most. I would try to do whatever I could, if it meant keeping the people I love happy and safe.

[Really, it's something easy to relate to. Even if her extremes were hardly anything like Mithos'.]

Do you think she's wrong? Or... that what she wants is wrong?

[written - September 15]

[imatreenow]

[There it is: the warm feeling of understanding, reaching out to him, drawing him in. And he's slowly letting it. Just a little. Again and again he tells himself he can drop it at any time and escape unscathed, so it's okay. It's okay, it's okay...]

I don't know anymore. [What did Martel want? A peaceful world, one without discrimination. The things he wanted. Yet somehow their views were completely different.] I wanted to make sure she could be safe and happy. I don't want her to get hurt, but she doesn't understand the danger she's putting herself in. She's willing to trust people who have hurt and betrayed her before, without worrying that they may do it again.

Re: [written - September 15]

[whats_a_sneeze]

I see ... a friend? Family?

Sometimes those close to us simply think a different way... And sometimes, it's hard to change that. But in the end, maybe all you can really do is stand beside her and let her know that despite that, you'll do your best to take care of her.

If something tries to hurt her like before, you'll be there to keep her safe. But if you fight how she feels deep in her heart, you'll risk her distancing herself from you. I think that... would be worse than figuring out who was right or wrong.

[written - September 15]

[imatreenow]

She's my sister.

Then regardless of what I do, I lose. I don't want her to distance herself, but I don't want her to disagree with me. That hurts just as much. I care about her too deeply, and

I don't understand why she cannot understand. [How she can so easily forgive and move on. How she can overlook the ugliness in people.] I wanted what was best for both of us.

Of course I'll do everything in my power to protect her, but I'm still scared. [somehow it's all tumbling out, every sort of thing he would never tell her face to face] I have nightmares.

Re: [written - September 15]

[whats_a_sneeze]

[... Deja vu.]

Nightmares?

[written - September 15]

[imatreenow]

[He feels it too, followed by a growing sense of shame. Somehow he's been whittled down to this pathetic child, running to a human for comfort, unsure even in his capabilities to keep his sister safe. Weak weak weak weakweakweakweak.]

In my nightmares I see her getting hurt over and over again, by different people. Sometimes she's already dead, [on the ground, shockingly still, covered in her own blood -- the picture that has been permanently carved into his memories] and they're standing over her. I wake up [crying. drenched in sweat. wishing with everything that his body and mind could still forgo sleep.] terrified for her.

For myself, too. I need her. [She would come back in a week, but what would be missing? It could damage everything beyond repair. Worse than it already is.]

Re: [written - September 15]

[whats_a_sneeze]

... I see.

Though, the dreams sound awful... It's true, we always worry about those we love. I don't go a day without fearing something or another for someone close to me. I imagine most others feel that same. But to see a dream like that, it's more than unfair.

... I'm sorry you have to handle such awful images. You don't deserve such a thing.

[written - September 15]

[imatreenow]

[more than unfair...you don't deserve such a thing. Words hurt. Sometimes, rarely, they heal. He traces a finger over each line, slowly, as if the words might crumble apart and reveal something else underneath.]

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I just want everything to be fixed.

Re: [written - September 15]

[whats_a_sneeze]

It is a matter of fixing something, or is it a higher matter of being afraid of the life's uncertainty? The future's uncertainty?