43rd Slay [Audio]
Okay, so yes I was a cheerleader at Hemry and one of the popular girls dating a football player but I was never like that. There were strict rules. Nothing below the waist, no clothes off. Okay so once I let him take my top off but not my bra then there was slaying and vampires and we moved. Anyway, I was a good girl.
Until Angel came along. I resisted. For a little while. It was just so...he was older and he didn't go to school and he had this whole dangerous, bad boy, centuries of brooding thing going on for him. I was...swept away which sounds like a Harliquinn romance novel, but it's true. Things got hot and heavy and who knew a graveyard could be so cozy--not that hot and heavy. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Except you can put it back in for my seventeenth birthday. It was romantic. We nearly died, got soaked during the escape and went back to his place to figure out how to kill the giant smurf that was determined to kill the whole world. He got me some of his dry clothes to wear and turned his back while changed. I'd changed with him in the room before so I knew Angel wouldn't peek. I think that's why I said ow when I took my top off and it rubbed against the cut on my shoulder. It didn't hurt, not really but I wanted him to peek. He was so worried, even though I'm the slayer and I heal fast, he was worried. Angel wasn't really a talking kind of person so when he did talk--anyway, he said I love you and I said I love you and we had sex and it was everything that it was supposed to be. At least until he lost his soul, went evil and started killing all my friends.
That didn't stop me from loving him. You'd think it would. Then he got his soul back and I sent him to Hell and that didn't stop him from loving me so when he came back from Hell we did the together but not touching thing which is a lot hotter than you'd think. Also, frustrating. I'm pretty sure my vamp kill numbers went way up that year. So yeah, no sex for Buffy and a few days before Prom, Angel broke up with me. In a sewer. That part is important. In a sewer. He went on the speil about normal and how I deserved someone who could take me into the light--whatever that means--and give me children and have sex. At the time I was very 'no, frustrated is a good look on me'.
Which brings me to Parker. The second big failure in Buffy's sex life. Parker was that guy at college. You know the one who goes through freshmen girls more often than he changes underwear. I didn't realize he was that guy until it was way too late. I thought he was going to call. I thought we'd go out on dates. I didn't realize I was a notch on his bed post until I caught him making plans for another notch. It hurt because Parker was everything Angel said I should have. He was human and seemed like a good guy. I didn't get bad boy vibes from Parker. He'd never done anything he'd regretted or needed to brood about.
I'm nothing if not a bouncy ball so I got back on the horse and met Riley. Riley was also everything that Angel wasn't. He was human, grew up in Iowa, had parents and apple pie. He was sweet, he didn't turn evil when we had sex--major points in his favor--and he also hunted demons. It was a whole government thing and he was Solider Boy. He got the slaying thing and he got the Buffy thing. He just couldn't mash them together. It bothered him that I could throw him across the room without trying. And the real kicker, the thing that made him go crazy, was Angel. Not just Angel, all the dark parts of my life because, big surprise here, being a slayer isn't all about sunshine and post slayage sexy times so I guess, he didn't really get the slayer part either. He just got what he wanted the slayer part to be about.
Anyway, he left and to be perfectly fair to him, I was holding back. Angel hurt me so bad that most of the time I think I'm broken. I didn't want to love Riley that much because I didn't want him to leave me and go through that chest sucking, dying would be kinder, pain that I went through when Angel left.
That started the Buffy oath. No boyfriends. No falling in love. No sex. It was the only safe route.
At least until I came back from Heaven and then I didn't have to worry about chest sucking pain. There was nothing. I was just...numb and I wanted so bad to feel anything at all. Spike...filled that numb void. I mean come on, we knocked down a house having sex. Not to mention the handcuffs and the breaking the bed thing...It was all the dark, wrong, dirty parts of me and Spike got them. He understood those parts of me but having sex with Spike was just that: sex and it was all wrong for me. Yeah, he could make me feel pain and that was better than nothing but I needed to be able to feel other things. A slayer is so much about death and darkness that if she doesn't have something else in her life, she gives into that death and darkness and...so I broke up with him.
That...didn't go so well. There was a night in my bathroom. He broke in and--for a minute, maybe less, I forgot I was the slayer. I forgot that I could say no and I could make it stick. I remembered before anything happened but he was just being Spike, a souless, evil vampire. I was the one who had changed. But guess what, telling Spike no made him leave too.
He came back. It's kind of a thing with Spike and this time he came back with a soul. A soul he'd gotten for me. Apparently, I'm a lot better in bed than I gave myself credit for. Spike and I didn't go there again though. That ship had sailed and tugging it back would be good for no one. In some ways, Spike got more of my heart than a lot of people. Spike is reliable, even evil, he was reliable and predictible. There is nothing I can do horrible enough to make Spike leave. Do you have any idea how comforting that is? That there is one person in the world that no matter what you do, how horrible you act, how horrible you treat them, they'll never leave. Selfish, I know, but sometimes Buffy is a selfish girl. I've died twice to save the world, I nearly missed Prom and sacrificed so much of my wardrobe in the name of making the world a safer place. I figure I can have my selfish moments.
So, Spike was out. No one was in. I'm back on the Buffy is celibate train. It's a good train. In a very train-y kind of way. Once we made all the girls slayers, there wasn't time for sex.
Until Satsu. Satsu was a slayer. One of the mini me's. She lived in Scotland and I guess she sort of became...enamoured. I didn't plan it. I'd never even kissed another girl but I was vulnerable and tired, so tired of being the General and of everyone looking to me to save them. I just wanted to be Buffy for a little while. Satsu was there and she loved me. And the sex was...surprisingly amazing. Also very staminia-y. Two slayers, lots of staminia--I think we broke her bed.
I was the one that left that time. I couldn't do a relationship. I couldn't be responsible for another person's happiness.
Then I came here, or before I came here, I don't remember. Anyway, here there was Eliot and Eliot was great. He didn't ask anything of me, the sex was fantastic. He was human but he thought the punching thing was hot and we had a relationship without any of the big scary things of a relationship because I don't do one night stands--curse related things aside. I'm the girl that insists if you start the night out in my bed, you wake up in the morning in my bed, otherwise...get out of my bed. I panic if I wake up and the person I had sex with isn't there. Logically I know that most people aren't going to go evil and try to kill all my friends. Buffy, not the most logical person ever, in case you wondered.
So Eliot left. Thank you, City but I have to say at least he left before I really got my heart invested. It hurt but it wasn't--I could handle it.
And then, there was John, Pyro I am so sorry, I'm so very, very cursed and that was a curse thing and a one night stand thing which I was okay with because...curse and those things should not bind you to anyone. The sex was...he can manipulate fire...you imagine it. I'll even give you a moment.
[Several very long seconds go by]
Okay, that's enough imagining. So, you'd think there'd be a lot fewer emotions with a curse. Once again, you would be wrong. And the weird part is, those emotions don't just go away. They get conflicted and twisted and mixed up in all your real emotions so that it's hard to tell what's real and what's curse. I loved him during the curse. Whole heart loved him like I haven't since Angel and now it's...muddled and weird and not bad but I have a problem with people telling me what I should do, think, feel, act, live...you get the point so I've got this giant rebellion against being told I love him because the City said so and then I've got this huge...I don't know.
Moving on. And oddly cyclic because we're back to Angel. This one is fresh and new and full of chest sucking pain. I went home a few days ago. I just got back to the City yesterday. When I went home, Angel was there. He was--we both had super powers. Beyond our usual super powers. That's not important. At least not until you get ot the flying sex which we'll--hold that thought. It took a lot because jaded Buffy is jaded when it comes to sex and love but he managed to convince me that finally, we both get what we want: each other. Our love would save the world.
I should have known it was a trick. I mean that's the oldest one in the book, isn't it? And sex with Angel has never been anything but bad news. I mean, during the sex, everything is...wow and after the sex everything is apocalypse now.
Everyone was dying. And when i say everyone, I mean everyone. All over the world. I couldn't stay in my little bubble with Angel because he loved me and I loved him and the sex was yum. I couldn't sacrifice the whole world so that I could be happy so I gave Angel up. Again. And he went kind of...crazy is a word that would be really mild right now.
Having sex with Angel, killed Giles. Not like metaphorical heart attack killing. I mean like Angel went crazy and Giles got between us and now he's dead.
So basically, I'm back on the Buffy's a nun train. It's very train-y I like it here. That's such a lie but it's better than the alternative
[ooc: Yeah she's cursed with the 'We did that?' curse. Feel free to comment, mock and otherwise horrify her even further. She knows she posted this on the network. She just couldn't help herself.]