pain and misery blahblahblah
I know I never update anymore. I don't know why. Too distracted and busy, I guess.
Well most of you have probably heard that my dearly, dearly beloved cat Bertie died. Yesterday morning. What a terrible day it was. Let me tell you about it!
So Thursday was my last day of work for the week. I got out of a grueling meeting and went to get a drink with all of my AmeriCorps teammates except the awkward/unpleasant one.
Then I had to return a borrowed item to Mary Jessup, so I went home to get it. That was the last time I saw Bertie. He was curled up on the ottoman, where Dan and I had left him that morning when we went to the gym. He likes liked to sleep all day. [Auuggh. :( No more present tense for my kitty.] I was in a hurry but I petted him and kissed him a little when I walked in the door and then when I left.
For the rest of the night I bounced around to a few different places. Dan had let the cat out that evening before I met up with him later. (Claire and I had been hanging out separately earlier in the night). I ended up staying out pretty late at YBR and around TU with Marin, Claire, Dan and Adam.
While we were up at Marin's place, I felt vaguely worried that we had been gone so long with Bert outside. He often would stay out at night, but we were usually home. I always woke up when he meowed at the window to be let in.
When Dan, Adam and I got home, at who knows what time, I looked around a little and called for him, but didn't see him. I went inside and wasn't particularly concerned because it wasn't unusual for him to stay out overnight.
Adam had slept over since he had to work at 8:30. I had woken up a little from the noise of him getting ready. I felt kinda woozy and headachy from dehydration/too much beer, and laid in bed. I called for Adam to see if he would check outside for Bert, but he didn't hear me. I was too lazy/hungover to get up, so I went back to sleep.
At ten AM there was a knock at the door. I didn't know what to expect, but I pulled on some more decent clothes and ambled to the living room to answer it. It was a lady, my neighbor from across the street, asking if I had a cat, and saying that he got hit and he was dead by the edge of their driveway. I didn't feel anything; I was confused and not quite hearing her, and my heart was beating really really fast. She made a sad face, sort of tried to sidehug me, and said something about covering him up until we could get him. She asked his name, told me hers and said some more things that I only halfway heard. I must have seemed like a zombie because I was completely neutral talking to her. She said "you're in shock."
I closed the door and walked back to our room. Dan had overheard somewhat and was crying and asked me if Bertie was dead. At which point I threw myself facedown into a pillow and started sobbing. I didn't really know what to do. I didn't know how to face my dead cat. I was still shocked. I was crying, but I didn't even really feel it. At some point Dan put pyjamas on and went outside to take care of things.
I went out a bit later. Dan brought Bertie's body into the backyard. It was so terrible to see him laying there. I could hardly look. He was stretched out on his side. It was surreal to see him sprawled out, almost exactly like when he was alive, but jarringly different. His side wasn't rising with his breath and his fur was a little matted from the rain. He had a little blood around his mouth, but other than that, he wasn't torn up, thankfully.
Dan took his collar off because I wanted to save it. I was watching but had to turn away once I saw how stiff Bert's body was as Dan tried to undo the buckle. While I was turned around Dan put him in a light blue pillowcase. I was a sobbing and moaning mess and not fit to be in public. I went inside to compose myself a little and Dan dug a hole.
Dan laid him down in there and I helped scoop the dirt in. It was so strange and hard. We covered the grave with a little pile of fallen leaves. I'm not really sure why, but it seemed right.
Then we went inside and fell into a crying pile on the couch. At that point it was about 11. Dan called his work to see if he could stay home with me, but he had to come in at noon as scheduled. We talked and cried until 12 and then got dressed. We weren't really hungry but stomachs were grumbling so we went to Braum's. I periodically sobbed the whole way. Our food tasted like dust.
Then I dropped Dan off finally at 12:25. I went to his dad's house because I didn't feel like I could be home. Dan's dad kindly stayed with me while I sat on the couch and we watched silly TV and talked. It was pleasantly distracting. Jo (the crazy beagle) knocked over the bong water. My face ached like a sinus infection from all the crying and nose-blowing.
At two thirty I went back to Dan's work so I could go with him on a delivery to Bartlesville. Once I got there it started raining heavily, which seemed apt. The ride was pretty miserable. I thought that going on the delivery would be distracting, but driving with Dan in the pouring rain made a perfect backdrop for horrible, helpless sadness. We both cried a lot and when we weren't crying, we were just uncomfortable.
When we got there, Dan got a call for a delivery to Springfield, MO, since he's on call this weekend. It was really awful timing, but he had to go, and I went with him. We left at 5:30 and got there at 9. It rained the whole way. More uncontrollable crying from me.
We got some dinner and started to leave, but Dan was too weary to drive, so we took a two hour nap at a truck stop. We didn't end up getting back to Dan's work until about 4 am, when amazingly, Dan got another call. This time to Hillcrest. I was still afraid to go back home, but I did it anyway since I would have had to drive separately to the hospital and to our house.
When I got home it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I turned on all the lights. I dumped the food and water out of Bertie's bowls and washed them, which was hard. I got on the computer and looked at pictures of Bert. Also hard. Dan got home and we cried, went to bed, and cried some more. Couldn't sleep for a long time. All I could think about was good memories of Bert juxtaposed with the images of his dead body and burying him. And the fact that he was never coming back.
Finally I started drifting off to sleep around 6, but then I heard Bert run down the hall and I felt him climb up on my chest. I knew it wasn't real and it scared me, but I couldn't scream. Finally I got myself to make a noise and wake myself up completely. After that I fell back asleep til 10.
And now I'm here. I feel a little better today. I'm so sad, though. I miss my cat so much. He was honestly the best cat in the universe, I think. Aside from the peeing and the yowling and the unrelenting need to roam around outside. He was so cute and soft and furry. And so affectionate. I hate knowing that I'll never get to laugh at him contorted in funny sleeping positions, or have him on my chest purring and kneading my neck. He was so endearing, and now he's buried in the ground. I feel like I wish I could have done things differently, but it was an inevitability. We couldn't keep him happy by locking him inside all the time. And we live by a busy street.
RIP Bertrand Klembjørn Webtheny-Lamet, better known as Bertie, Berto, Bertis and Bo. I loved him so so much and I still do. We were so lucky to have him, even if it was not even a year.
Well most of you have probably heard that my dearly, dearly beloved cat Bertie died. Yesterday morning. What a terrible day it was. Let me tell you about it!
So Thursday was my last day of work for the week. I got out of a grueling meeting and went to get a drink with all of my AmeriCorps teammates except the awkward/unpleasant one.
Then I had to return a borrowed item to Mary Jessup, so I went home to get it. That was the last time I saw Bertie. He was curled up on the ottoman, where Dan and I had left him that morning when we went to the gym. He likes liked to sleep all day. [Auuggh. :( No more present tense for my kitty.] I was in a hurry but I petted him and kissed him a little when I walked in the door and then when I left.
For the rest of the night I bounced around to a few different places. Dan had let the cat out that evening before I met up with him later. (Claire and I had been hanging out separately earlier in the night). I ended up staying out pretty late at YBR and around TU with Marin, Claire, Dan and Adam.
While we were up at Marin's place, I felt vaguely worried that we had been gone so long with Bert outside. He often would stay out at night, but we were usually home. I always woke up when he meowed at the window to be let in.
When Dan, Adam and I got home, at who knows what time, I looked around a little and called for him, but didn't see him. I went inside and wasn't particularly concerned because it wasn't unusual for him to stay out overnight.
Adam had slept over since he had to work at 8:30. I had woken up a little from the noise of him getting ready. I felt kinda woozy and headachy from dehydration/too much beer, and laid in bed. I called for Adam to see if he would check outside for Bert, but he didn't hear me. I was too lazy/hungover to get up, so I went back to sleep.
At ten AM there was a knock at the door. I didn't know what to expect, but I pulled on some more decent clothes and ambled to the living room to answer it. It was a lady, my neighbor from across the street, asking if I had a cat, and saying that he got hit and he was dead by the edge of their driveway. I didn't feel anything; I was confused and not quite hearing her, and my heart was beating really really fast. She made a sad face, sort of tried to sidehug me, and said something about covering him up until we could get him. She asked his name, told me hers and said some more things that I only halfway heard. I must have seemed like a zombie because I was completely neutral talking to her. She said "you're in shock."
I closed the door and walked back to our room. Dan had overheard somewhat and was crying and asked me if Bertie was dead. At which point I threw myself facedown into a pillow and started sobbing. I didn't really know what to do. I didn't know how to face my dead cat. I was still shocked. I was crying, but I didn't even really feel it. At some point Dan put pyjamas on and went outside to take care of things.
I went out a bit later. Dan brought Bertie's body into the backyard. It was so terrible to see him laying there. I could hardly look. He was stretched out on his side. It was surreal to see him sprawled out, almost exactly like when he was alive, but jarringly different. His side wasn't rising with his breath and his fur was a little matted from the rain. He had a little blood around his mouth, but other than that, he wasn't torn up, thankfully.
Dan took his collar off because I wanted to save it. I was watching but had to turn away once I saw how stiff Bert's body was as Dan tried to undo the buckle. While I was turned around Dan put him in a light blue pillowcase. I was a sobbing and moaning mess and not fit to be in public. I went inside to compose myself a little and Dan dug a hole.
Dan laid him down in there and I helped scoop the dirt in. It was so strange and hard. We covered the grave with a little pile of fallen leaves. I'm not really sure why, but it seemed right.
Then we went inside and fell into a crying pile on the couch. At that point it was about 11. Dan called his work to see if he could stay home with me, but he had to come in at noon as scheduled. We talked and cried until 12 and then got dressed. We weren't really hungry but stomachs were grumbling so we went to Braum's. I periodically sobbed the whole way. Our food tasted like dust.
Then I dropped Dan off finally at 12:25. I went to his dad's house because I didn't feel like I could be home. Dan's dad kindly stayed with me while I sat on the couch and we watched silly TV and talked. It was pleasantly distracting. Jo (the crazy beagle) knocked over the bong water. My face ached like a sinus infection from all the crying and nose-blowing.
At two thirty I went back to Dan's work so I could go with him on a delivery to Bartlesville. Once I got there it started raining heavily, which seemed apt. The ride was pretty miserable. I thought that going on the delivery would be distracting, but driving with Dan in the pouring rain made a perfect backdrop for horrible, helpless sadness. We both cried a lot and when we weren't crying, we were just uncomfortable.
When we got there, Dan got a call for a delivery to Springfield, MO, since he's on call this weekend. It was really awful timing, but he had to go, and I went with him. We left at 5:30 and got there at 9. It rained the whole way. More uncontrollable crying from me.
We got some dinner and started to leave, but Dan was too weary to drive, so we took a two hour nap at a truck stop. We didn't end up getting back to Dan's work until about 4 am, when amazingly, Dan got another call. This time to Hillcrest. I was still afraid to go back home, but I did it anyway since I would have had to drive separately to the hospital and to our house.
When I got home it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I turned on all the lights. I dumped the food and water out of Bertie's bowls and washed them, which was hard. I got on the computer and looked at pictures of Bert. Also hard. Dan got home and we cried, went to bed, and cried some more. Couldn't sleep for a long time. All I could think about was good memories of Bert juxtaposed with the images of his dead body and burying him. And the fact that he was never coming back.
Finally I started drifting off to sleep around 6, but then I heard Bert run down the hall and I felt him climb up on my chest. I knew it wasn't real and it scared me, but I couldn't scream. Finally I got myself to make a noise and wake myself up completely. After that I fell back asleep til 10.
And now I'm here. I feel a little better today. I'm so sad, though. I miss my cat so much. He was honestly the best cat in the universe, I think. Aside from the peeing and the yowling and the unrelenting need to roam around outside. He was so cute and soft and furry. And so affectionate. I hate knowing that I'll never get to laugh at him contorted in funny sleeping positions, or have him on my chest purring and kneading my neck. He was so endearing, and now he's buried in the ground. I feel like I wish I could have done things differently, but it was an inevitability. We couldn't keep him happy by locking him inside all the time. And we live by a busy street.
RIP Bertrand Klembjørn Webtheny-Lamet, better known as Bertie, Berto, Bertis and Bo. I loved him so so much and I still do. We were so lucky to have him, even if it was not even a year.