Lee's Palace, Toronto, Thursday FT
It was Sunday. Lee's Palace. The night of the last Toronto show; tomorrow TCaD would be on their way again. Probably. Todd still needed to crush Scott, but they'd get to that. Maybe post-show. Shouldn't take too long.
Things had had time to cool down a little.
The first of the warmup bands were already playing. The Boys and Crash - they'd been Crash & the Boys when they'd been booked, but apparently they'd had a hostile takeover happen. Didn't matter. Sex Bob-Omb would be up after them. Envy was about to get started on getting ready for the show, but for now? She was taking a cigarette break outside by the club's back entrance. Alleyway, really. She almost remembered how she'd liked Toronto, once. It had been a nice little separate space from everything that had been going on in Ribeirao Preto. And wherever planes took her from there. But --
The door opened. And out stepped Scott, of all people. He looked relieved to be outside. He hadn't noticed her, leaning against the wall.
So she said, "Hey, Scott." And he was instantly frazzled. His hair got mussed up by itself.
"Hey! Envy! H-hi!"
She released a puff of smoke. Drawled, "Hey, I had an idea."
"What was that?"
"I thought maybe we could talk like normal people." He'd caught her at a moment like that. She was -- she wasn't sure what she was. (She was herself.) "Like it used to be."
Scott looked like the suggestion made no sense. "How can I talk to you like a normal person? Look at you!"
He gestured at her, and she looked down. Solid gold arm thing, expensively skanky dress, shiny stockings (not cheap), $900 boots. Somehow the total cost of the outfit came to be fifty million dollars. Things were crazy here in this world. She'd grown accustomed to it. "Oh, yeah," she said. "Nicolas went a little overboard today. Nicolas, he's my stylist. He's waiting for me, actually." She just barely inclined her head towards the door, flicking ash off the end of her cigarette in one precise movement. "I was just heading back to my room to get ready for the show."
"You should probably just do that," Scott said, smoothing his hair out. "It's getting late."
Another puff of smoke. "So you don't want to talk like normal people?"
"Nat..."
The way he looked at her. She was, for whatever reason, briefly reminded of Sam and she didn't know why. There was a pause, and then she said, "Yes?"
"Did we ever talk like normal people?"
Got her there. "Ha," she said, and while it was dry, some of the amusement was genuine. She shook her head. Turned to walk away. Flicked the cigarette away as she looked back over her shoulder at Scott. "That's the last time you'll get away with calling me that, Pilgrim."
She walked out of the alleyway and onto the street, and didn't look back. Adoring fans circled her.
-----
An unbelievably short time later, Envy was already standing at the bar with a fresh martini in hand, in her new outfit (black and cleavagey). She was just enjoying her drink and her idle thoughts when she heard a now-familiar voice order a gin and tonic right by her.
Ramona.
She turned around to face the girl. "I just wanted to tell you... I'm sorry for being such a bitch all weekend."
Ramona, understandably, looked dubious. "Oh, yeah?"
"We're not so different, Ramona." She leaned against the bar. "Apparently we have the same taste in men, anyway."
"How's that?"
"I think we both like to live dangerously... And then there's Scott."
"Kind of the opposite of living dangerously, isn't he?"
"Maybe not as much as you think," Envy replied, a shrug in her tone but not in her actions. She was playing with the olive on the stick in her drink without looking at Ramona. "I was going to say, but it never came up... When we were in New York last week, we played a show at the Chaos Thatre. I believe you're familiar with it?"
Even before Envy looked over, she could tell from the corner of her eye that Ramona had frozen in place like a deer in headlights. Yeah. She was on to something here. "I hear what they're saying about you, Ramona," she drawled, looking over now. "Building up your own legend a bit? Of course, in Toronto they'd believe you. The big shot New Yorker. Of course she's Gideon's girl. She's not just some floozy who thinks a little attention equals eternal love!"
Ramona slammed her drink against the bar. "I absolutely don't know what you're talking about, or who you think you're talking to, but I am this close to kicking your ass right back to Montreal." She paused. Clearly hoping to put emphasis in a metaphorical punch. "Natalie."
You know what, Envy hadn't thought she'd go there. "You unbelievable --"
"Believe it!!" Ramona yelled, as she... pulled a large hammer (+2 against girls!) from her cutesy little bag. Envy had to exhale a little chuckle, raising her eyebrows. "Wow, Ramona. Isn't this kind of unfair?" she asked. "One swing of your burly man-arms and my little head is pasta salad."
Ramona lifted the hammer above her head. "We'll see."
The second Ramona brought her hammer down, Envy kicked up at it with as much force as she could muster, blocking the blow.
And now they had everyone's attention.
"Dude!! Envy's fighting some hammer chick!!"
"Whoa! Sweet!!"
"We love you, Envy!"
"More high kicks!"
"Get her, Envy!"
"Pull her hair and stuff!"
"Make out!!"
"What the hell is this?!" Ramona demanded from no single individual in particular. "Why are they all rooting for you when you're obviously a huge bitch?"
"You're a huge bitch!!" someone called out.
Envy smirked. "Ramona, sweetie, I'm famous."
"And hot!!"
"Wooo!!"
"Also," she continued, tapping a finger against her chin like she was pondering something, "you're trying to hit me with a gigantic hammer, or something?"
"Oh... Uh... I guess that's not very sporting, is it?" Ramona hazarded, actually a little sheepish, looking at the hammer. "I just like this hammer..."
"You suck!" someone yelled, helpfully. "Hammers suck!!"
"Break her face, Ramona!!" Wait, what? "Break her horsey ol' face!!"
"Excuse me?" Envy snapped, whirring around. And -- of course it was Wallace freaking Wells. Of course.
But she couldn't spend too much time seething about that, as a giant POW sent her flying through the air across the room. ("No!! Face!! Face!!" Wallace was still yelling in the distance.) Ramona had gotten a swing in at her. She caught herself against the wall, however, and leapt gracefully down onto the floor.
She was pissed now, though. "Enough fooling around. I'll send you back to Gideon in a thousand pieces, you slag." She charged at Ramona, trying to get a kick in at the girl's head. "You make me sick! Pretending to be all sweet and nice..." Another kick. Didn't connect. Dammit. "Well... I know what you're really after!"
"Don't sweat it! Envy's all looks!" Wallace, again. "She's just a pretty-boy!"
"I'm not a boy!"
Shouldn't have let him get to her. Really shouldn't have. Ramona got another swing of her hammer in, even if this one only toppled Envy over. Frazzled her a little, though. Rattled her brain.
"She's easily distracted, Ramona!" Wallace called out. "She's only got a little brain!"
"That's right, keep hiding behind your precious little Wallace!" Envy called out, getting back to her feet.
"What makes you think I'm hiding behind him?!" Ramona asked, incredulous. ... While Wallace was standing in front of her.
"Oh, sorry, am I in the way?" he asked. Then broke off on a run, leaving Ramona yelling after him: "Wait! Where are you going?"
"Gotta pee! B.R.B!"
"But... But I'm enjoying your company!"
And Envy was the distractable one? This time, the high kick connected, and it was satisfying. "Enjoy this!" she snapped, as Ramona flew up, up, up where she met the ceiling with a KRUNCH, then fell down onto the floor with a WHUM. The hammer clattered to the floor by Envy's feet. She crouched down to pick it up.
"Wow, Ramona, this thing is actually pretty heavy!" she called out, straightening up. "I'm mildly impressed!" Not really. She advanced on Ramona, lifting the hammer high above her head. "Anyway... I hope your ex-boyfriends like delicious pancakes, because that's what you're gonna be!"
Ramona muttered something inconsequential that Envy didn't even have time to process before a great blow of force struck her from the side, forcing her to drop the hammer on impact. A second later, something hit the wall further away.
... Not something, someone. A random girl.
"Knives?!" Ramona called out, surprised. "Why??"
The girl sounded out of breath. "I... only... want... his happiness!"
"Have we met?" Envy asked, eyebrow raised. The girl looked vaguely familiar but, she didn't care enough to remember a lot of people, these days. "In other words, who the hell are you and why the hell should I care?"
"I don't care if you don't care!!!" the girl yelled out. "And... and anyway, your music isn't even that good anyway!! Yes it is.small>"
Envy would've been offended, maybe, if not for the new distraction. This time it came from the stage. "We are Sex Bob-Omb!! We are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!!!" or whatever it was they were yelling. It was enough for Ramona and the girl who was maybe called Knives to turn around and face the stage where Scott and his bandmates were all dressed in black. No one was watching Envy pick up the hammer again.
This was it.
This was going to be where it happened. She had a singular purpose and target and action in her mind. Everything was going a little red. Only one thing needed to happen right now.
"Squish squish squishy squish squish!!"
... Yeah.
But then suddenly Scott wasn't on the stage but here with them, and before she knew it, he was behind her on the floor and -- poke, with his fingertip, to the back of her knee. Ecstacy hit her spreading like a wave from that point outward. Her knees buckled together and she flopped onto the floor, shivering with pleasure. For a moment, everything was just white noise and perfect.
That was, until she came back to full consciousness, and the reality that Scott had just used something very personal against her. And made her do that in public. "You'll pay for this for the rest of your brief life, Pilgrim!!" she growled. "Todd! Kill them!!"
He had to be somewhere near, right? He was always there for her.
"Todd?" Scott asked. "I haven't seen him since --"
Ramona cut him off. "Yeah, that's funny. Where is he?"
"What are you --"
"Todd's cheating on you with your drummer, you stupid ho!!" Ramona yelled, her hands balled up into fists. "He's a creep and you're a bitch and you all deserve each other!"
"That's bull! Todd loves me! He'll love me forever!" Envy wasn't really aware that she was screaming. "He's kind, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, talented, kind, and pure-hearted!! We've been best friends since we were eleven!" In fact, they needed to hear the whole story because then, then they'd understand and see what this was all about, so she laid it all out for them, how their love had always been as pure as pure could be and how she had never been as happy with anyone, and how Todd had flown to the moon for her --
"-- and that's how I know he truly loves me and we'll always be together forever and ever!!"
For a second, everyone was quiet. Everyone. In the entire club.
Then Ramona started: "Envy... It only gives me the teeniest bit of pleasure to say this, but... The thing with the moon? When we were in high school, Todd did the exact same thing for me. He did it for me first."
Someone in the audience gasped. "It kind of makes sense."
"Poor ol' Envy Adams!"
"What?" Envy asked. It came out flat. Hadn't heard that from her own lips in a while. "Is that why there are --"
"Two holes in the moon?" Ramona guessed. She looked a little uncomfortable. Maybe even a little sorry. "Um... Yeah."
Envy could've sworn she heard something give out a little. Break a little.
And that was when Todd walked into the room.
Pulling his zipper up.
With someone's panties on his head.
Envy stared at him. He looked over at her. Stopped. Blinked twice.
And then Lynette walked out after him, and bumped right into his back.
There was a long silence. Envy could feel a lot of eyes on her but she was barely aware of it. Something white-hot was building up. A little something like what she'd been feeling when she'd been about to squish Ramona, but worse. Because this wasn't twisted up but victorious. This was painful.
And then Todd stammered, "So... Uh... What'd I miss?"
And Envy stomped over to him, immediately shoving him back. "Whose are they?!"
"Wha?"
"The panties on your head!!"
"Oh, um..." Lynette chuckled. "How did that happen?" She reached for the underwear. "That's crazy!"
That was such bullshit. Envy didn't even know how, suddenly the hammer was back in her hands again. "You!" she yelled. "Right under my nose this whole time?! You're so fired!"
She swung the hammer. But Lynette was already pressing her hands together in some mystical gesture. "Whatever! Sayonara, suckers!!"
"Envy!!" Ramona called out. "She's teleporting!!"
"She can try!"
The hit connected. Lynette had teleported out. But not with her bionic arm, still holding the pair of panties. Those fell uselessly onto the floor. Envy wished it had felt more satisfying. But, she knew what would feel that way.
Todd was already trying to back away from her.
"J-just a minute!! It's... Uh... Not what it looks like!"
"We made a vow, Todd!!"
She swung at him, now. But, the swing didn't go the full way. It met an invisible force in the air - Todd's psychic vegan powers. "I won't fight you, Envy." He snatched the hammer from her hands, and with one swing of his arm, sent it flying away where it clattered uselessly against a wall and onto the floor.
"That's not all you won't be doing!!" Envy gritted out. She could feel herself shaking with rage. Everything she'd given up for him. Everything he'd said that she'd believed. "God, you asshole..."
"C'mon, baby, she meant nothing to me." Oh he was going for that now. "It's just a thing in the past." Moving forward to embrace her. "Envy... You're my girl."
She let him put his hands on her shoulders, although her hands wrapped around his wrists. "Oh, Todd," she said, leaning in. "Let's both be girls!!"
He kneed him in the crotch.
"HRRGGHHH," Todd said. There, that was a satisfying sound to hear right about now.
Even if right afterwards, the air crackled and she felt herself get picked up right off her feet by his psychic powers. And slung across the room. Again. Only to hit the wall, and then slump onto the floor.
It hurt. But you know what? She wasn't sure she was managing to care a whole lot. It didn't hurt worse than what had already happened. So she stayed on the floor.
There was some kind of bass battle. She didn't care.
"Envy? Are you okay?"
It was Ramona.
"Don't touch me!" Envy snapped. Why was the girl even here. "I hate you."
The battle continued. The Boys and Crash apparently joined in. Whatever.
But then one voice yelled out, "Freeze!!" and another yelled out, "Vegan police!"
Now that got even Envy's attention. She pushed herself up enough to see what was happening. There were two guys pointing finger guns at Todd. "Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for veganity violation!"
"What'd I do?" Todd asked, outraged. "What authority do you represent?! You can't do this!" Okay, no, not outraged. Panicked. #I didn't do anything! You can't prove anything! I'm a rock star!"
"We have it on record that at 12:27 this afternoon you did knowingly consume a restricted food item."
"Gelato, bitch."
"What? It... It wasn't me!!"
Envy got up. This sounded familiar. This sounded like their lunch earlier that day. "Hang on..." she said. "Are you saying gelato isn't vegan?"
"It contains milk and eggs, ma'am."
... It sounded delicious. But Envy was now thinking back on other parts of the meal. "... Is chicken parmesan vegan?"
"Is it?" asked one vegan cop.
"I'm not sure," the other one said. "Isn't a 'parmesan' like a rodent or something?"
The specifics didn't matter. She'd specifically asked Todd if gelato was some kind of fruit ice. It was such a small thing, but... She punched him in the arm. Hard. "You lied to me!!!" He'd lied to her. He'd really, probably routinely lied to her. This was all the proof she needed. She could feel the tears start welling up now.
Meanwhile, Todd was still being read his sentence.
"The rules are simple, Todd."
"No vegan diet, no vegan powers, bitch."
The cops pointed their fingers at Todd, and a bright green ray shot out from them and hit him. A deveganizing ray. Yeah. And it worked. When the ray was gone, his hair sagged. He was normal.
And he fell to his knees. "NNNOOOOOOO!!!!"
And that was when Scott headbutted him.
And he burst into coins. Envy found herself falling to her knees. A small raincloud formed above her head. It began to rain.
(Scott also gained an extra life, but who really cared about that? Todd was gone.)
There was some commotion. Then, Scott asked, "So, are you... uh... okay?"
"Who are you asking?" Ramona wondered.
"Uh... In general. All y'all."
"I'm fine. Envy's the one who --"
Envy shook her head. "Am I...?" Was she okay? How was that even a question? She looked up. Locked her gaze with Scott's, fire in her eyes even if her voice was icy. "You just headbutted my best friend so hard he burst, Scott."
"But... But he was a no-good, cheating dickwad!"
Envy felt herself slump again. "I guess." Even with all of that, he'd been her everything.
Now what?
[ooc: NFB, NFI, OOC-okay, we're so close to the end, you guys! Scott Pilgrim volume three is the source, for the second-to-last time! Warning for a lot of exaggerated cartoon-style violence.]
Things had had time to cool down a little.
The first of the warmup bands were already playing. The Boys and Crash - they'd been Crash & the Boys when they'd been booked, but apparently they'd had a hostile takeover happen. Didn't matter. Sex Bob-Omb would be up after them. Envy was about to get started on getting ready for the show, but for now? She was taking a cigarette break outside by the club's back entrance. Alleyway, really. She almost remembered how she'd liked Toronto, once. It had been a nice little separate space from everything that had been going on in Ribeirao Preto. And wherever planes took her from there. But --
The door opened. And out stepped Scott, of all people. He looked relieved to be outside. He hadn't noticed her, leaning against the wall.
So she said, "Hey, Scott." And he was instantly frazzled. His hair got mussed up by itself.
"Hey! Envy! H-hi!"
She released a puff of smoke. Drawled, "Hey, I had an idea."
"What was that?"
"I thought maybe we could talk like normal people." He'd caught her at a moment like that. She was -- she wasn't sure what she was. (She was herself.) "Like it used to be."
Scott looked like the suggestion made no sense. "How can I talk to you like a normal person? Look at you!"
He gestured at her, and she looked down. Solid gold arm thing, expensively skanky dress, shiny stockings (not cheap), $900 boots. Somehow the total cost of the outfit came to be fifty million dollars. Things were crazy here in this world. She'd grown accustomed to it. "Oh, yeah," she said. "Nicolas went a little overboard today. Nicolas, he's my stylist. He's waiting for me, actually." She just barely inclined her head towards the door, flicking ash off the end of her cigarette in one precise movement. "I was just heading back to my room to get ready for the show."
"You should probably just do that," Scott said, smoothing his hair out. "It's getting late."
Another puff of smoke. "So you don't want to talk like normal people?"
"Nat..."
The way he looked at her. She was, for whatever reason, briefly reminded of Sam and she didn't know why. There was a pause, and then she said, "Yes?"
"Did we ever talk like normal people?"
Got her there. "Ha," she said, and while it was dry, some of the amusement was genuine. She shook her head. Turned to walk away. Flicked the cigarette away as she looked back over her shoulder at Scott. "That's the last time you'll get away with calling me that, Pilgrim."
She walked out of the alleyway and onto the street, and didn't look back. Adoring fans circled her.
-----
An unbelievably short time later, Envy was already standing at the bar with a fresh martini in hand, in her new outfit (black and cleavagey). She was just enjoying her drink and her idle thoughts when she heard a now-familiar voice order a gin and tonic right by her.
Ramona.
She turned around to face the girl. "I just wanted to tell you... I'm sorry for being such a bitch all weekend."
Ramona, understandably, looked dubious. "Oh, yeah?"
"We're not so different, Ramona." She leaned against the bar. "Apparently we have the same taste in men, anyway."
"How's that?"
"I think we both like to live dangerously... And then there's Scott."
"Kind of the opposite of living dangerously, isn't he?"
"Maybe not as much as you think," Envy replied, a shrug in her tone but not in her actions. She was playing with the olive on the stick in her drink without looking at Ramona. "I was going to say, but it never came up... When we were in New York last week, we played a show at the Chaos Thatre. I believe you're familiar with it?"
Even before Envy looked over, she could tell from the corner of her eye that Ramona had frozen in place like a deer in headlights. Yeah. She was on to something here. "I hear what they're saying about you, Ramona," she drawled, looking over now. "Building up your own legend a bit? Of course, in Toronto they'd believe you. The big shot New Yorker. Of course she's Gideon's girl. She's not just some floozy who thinks a little attention equals eternal love!"
Ramona slammed her drink against the bar. "I absolutely don't know what you're talking about, or who you think you're talking to, but I am this close to kicking your ass right back to Montreal." She paused. Clearly hoping to put emphasis in a metaphorical punch. "Natalie."
You know what, Envy hadn't thought she'd go there. "You unbelievable --"
"Believe it!!" Ramona yelled, as she... pulled a large hammer (+2 against girls!) from her cutesy little bag. Envy had to exhale a little chuckle, raising her eyebrows. "Wow, Ramona. Isn't this kind of unfair?" she asked. "One swing of your burly man-arms and my little head is pasta salad."
Ramona lifted the hammer above her head. "We'll see."
The second Ramona brought her hammer down, Envy kicked up at it with as much force as she could muster, blocking the blow.
And now they had everyone's attention.
"Dude!! Envy's fighting some hammer chick!!"
"Whoa! Sweet!!"
"We love you, Envy!"
"More high kicks!"
"Get her, Envy!"
"Pull her hair and stuff!"
"Make out!!"
"What the hell is this?!" Ramona demanded from no single individual in particular. "Why are they all rooting for you when you're obviously a huge bitch?"
"You're a huge bitch!!" someone called out.
Envy smirked. "Ramona, sweetie, I'm famous."
"And hot!!"
"Wooo!!"
"Also," she continued, tapping a finger against her chin like she was pondering something, "you're trying to hit me with a gigantic hammer, or something?"
"Oh... Uh... I guess that's not very sporting, is it?" Ramona hazarded, actually a little sheepish, looking at the hammer. "I just like this hammer..."
"You suck!" someone yelled, helpfully. "Hammers suck!!"
"Break her face, Ramona!!" Wait, what? "Break her horsey ol' face!!"
"Excuse me?" Envy snapped, whirring around. And -- of course it was Wallace freaking Wells. Of course.
But she couldn't spend too much time seething about that, as a giant POW sent her flying through the air across the room. ("No!! Face!! Face!!" Wallace was still yelling in the distance.) Ramona had gotten a swing in at her. She caught herself against the wall, however, and leapt gracefully down onto the floor.
She was pissed now, though. "Enough fooling around. I'll send you back to Gideon in a thousand pieces, you slag." She charged at Ramona, trying to get a kick in at the girl's head. "You make me sick! Pretending to be all sweet and nice..." Another kick. Didn't connect. Dammit. "Well... I know what you're really after!"
"Don't sweat it! Envy's all looks!" Wallace, again. "She's just a pretty-boy!"
"I'm not a boy!"
Shouldn't have let him get to her. Really shouldn't have. Ramona got another swing of her hammer in, even if this one only toppled Envy over. Frazzled her a little, though. Rattled her brain.
"She's easily distracted, Ramona!" Wallace called out. "She's only got a little brain!"
"That's right, keep hiding behind your precious little Wallace!" Envy called out, getting back to her feet.
"What makes you think I'm hiding behind him?!" Ramona asked, incredulous. ... While Wallace was standing in front of her.
"Oh, sorry, am I in the way?" he asked. Then broke off on a run, leaving Ramona yelling after him: "Wait! Where are you going?"
"Gotta pee! B.R.B!"
"But... But I'm enjoying your company!"
And Envy was the distractable one? This time, the high kick connected, and it was satisfying. "Enjoy this!" she snapped, as Ramona flew up, up, up where she met the ceiling with a KRUNCH, then fell down onto the floor with a WHUM. The hammer clattered to the floor by Envy's feet. She crouched down to pick it up.
"Wow, Ramona, this thing is actually pretty heavy!" she called out, straightening up. "I'm mildly impressed!" Not really. She advanced on Ramona, lifting the hammer high above her head. "Anyway... I hope your ex-boyfriends like delicious pancakes, because that's what you're gonna be!"
Ramona muttered something inconsequential that Envy didn't even have time to process before a great blow of force struck her from the side, forcing her to drop the hammer on impact. A second later, something hit the wall further away.
... Not something, someone. A random girl.
"Knives?!" Ramona called out, surprised. "Why??"
The girl sounded out of breath. "I... only... want... his happiness!"
"Have we met?" Envy asked, eyebrow raised. The girl looked vaguely familiar but, she didn't care enough to remember a lot of people, these days. "In other words, who the hell are you and why the hell should I care?"
"I don't care if you don't care!!!" the girl yelled out. "And... and anyway, your music isn't even that good anyway!! Yes it is.small>"
Envy would've been offended, maybe, if not for the new distraction. This time it came from the stage. "We are Sex Bob-Omb!! We are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!!!" or whatever it was they were yelling. It was enough for Ramona and the girl who was maybe called Knives to turn around and face the stage where Scott and his bandmates were all dressed in black. No one was watching Envy pick up the hammer again.
This was it.
This was going to be where it happened. She had a singular purpose and target and action in her mind. Everything was going a little red. Only one thing needed to happen right now.
"Squish squish squishy squish squish!!"
... Yeah.
But then suddenly Scott wasn't on the stage but here with them, and before she knew it, he was behind her on the floor and -- poke, with his fingertip, to the back of her knee. Ecstacy hit her spreading like a wave from that point outward. Her knees buckled together and she flopped onto the floor, shivering with pleasure. For a moment, everything was just white noise and perfect.
That was, until she came back to full consciousness, and the reality that Scott had just used something very personal against her. And made her do that in public. "You'll pay for this for the rest of your brief life, Pilgrim!!" she growled. "Todd! Kill them!!"
He had to be somewhere near, right? He was always there for her.
"Todd?" Scott asked. "I haven't seen him since --"
Ramona cut him off. "Yeah, that's funny. Where is he?"
"What are you --"
"Todd's cheating on you with your drummer, you stupid ho!!" Ramona yelled, her hands balled up into fists. "He's a creep and you're a bitch and you all deserve each other!"
"That's bull! Todd loves me! He'll love me forever!" Envy wasn't really aware that she was screaming. "He's kind, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, talented, kind, and pure-hearted!! We've been best friends since we were eleven!" In fact, they needed to hear the whole story because then, then they'd understand and see what this was all about, so she laid it all out for them, how their love had always been as pure as pure could be and how she had never been as happy with anyone, and how Todd had flown to the moon for her --
"-- and that's how I know he truly loves me and we'll always be together forever and ever!!"
For a second, everyone was quiet. Everyone. In the entire club.
Then Ramona started: "Envy... It only gives me the teeniest bit of pleasure to say this, but... The thing with the moon? When we were in high school, Todd did the exact same thing for me. He did it for me first."
Someone in the audience gasped. "It kind of makes sense."
"Poor ol' Envy Adams!"
"What?" Envy asked. It came out flat. Hadn't heard that from her own lips in a while. "Is that why there are --"
"Two holes in the moon?" Ramona guessed. She looked a little uncomfortable. Maybe even a little sorry. "Um... Yeah."
Envy could've sworn she heard something give out a little. Break a little.
And that was when Todd walked into the room.
Pulling his zipper up.
With someone's panties on his head.
Envy stared at him. He looked over at her. Stopped. Blinked twice.
And then Lynette walked out after him, and bumped right into his back.
There was a long silence. Envy could feel a lot of eyes on her but she was barely aware of it. Something white-hot was building up. A little something like what she'd been feeling when she'd been about to squish Ramona, but worse. Because this wasn't twisted up but victorious. This was painful.
And then Todd stammered, "So... Uh... What'd I miss?"
And Envy stomped over to him, immediately shoving him back. "Whose are they?!"
"Wha?"
"The panties on your head!!"
"Oh, um..." Lynette chuckled. "How did that happen?" She reached for the underwear. "That's crazy!"
That was such bullshit. Envy didn't even know how, suddenly the hammer was back in her hands again. "You!" she yelled. "Right under my nose this whole time?! You're so fired!"
She swung the hammer. But Lynette was already pressing her hands together in some mystical gesture. "Whatever! Sayonara, suckers!!"
"Envy!!" Ramona called out. "She's teleporting!!"
"She can try!"
The hit connected. Lynette had teleported out. But not with her bionic arm, still holding the pair of panties. Those fell uselessly onto the floor. Envy wished it had felt more satisfying. But, she knew what would feel that way.
Todd was already trying to back away from her.
"J-just a minute!! It's... Uh... Not what it looks like!"
"We made a vow, Todd!!"
She swung at him, now. But, the swing didn't go the full way. It met an invisible force in the air - Todd's psychic vegan powers. "I won't fight you, Envy." He snatched the hammer from her hands, and with one swing of his arm, sent it flying away where it clattered uselessly against a wall and onto the floor.
"That's not all you won't be doing!!" Envy gritted out. She could feel herself shaking with rage. Everything she'd given up for him. Everything he'd said that she'd believed. "God, you asshole..."
"C'mon, baby, she meant nothing to me." Oh he was going for that now. "It's just a thing in the past." Moving forward to embrace her. "Envy... You're my girl."
She let him put his hands on her shoulders, although her hands wrapped around his wrists. "Oh, Todd," she said, leaning in. "Let's both be girls!!"
He kneed him in the crotch.
"HRRGGHHH," Todd said. There, that was a satisfying sound to hear right about now.
Even if right afterwards, the air crackled and she felt herself get picked up right off her feet by his psychic powers. And slung across the room. Again. Only to hit the wall, and then slump onto the floor.
It hurt. But you know what? She wasn't sure she was managing to care a whole lot. It didn't hurt worse than what had already happened. So she stayed on the floor.
There was some kind of bass battle. She didn't care.
"Envy? Are you okay?"
It was Ramona.
"Don't touch me!" Envy snapped. Why was the girl even here. "I hate you."
The battle continued. The Boys and Crash apparently joined in. Whatever.
But then one voice yelled out, "Freeze!!" and another yelled out, "Vegan police!"
Now that got even Envy's attention. She pushed herself up enough to see what was happening. There were two guys pointing finger guns at Todd. "Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for veganity violation!"
"What'd I do?" Todd asked, outraged. "What authority do you represent?! You can't do this!" Okay, no, not outraged. Panicked. #I didn't do anything! You can't prove anything! I'm a rock star!"
"We have it on record that at 12:27 this afternoon you did knowingly consume a restricted food item."
"Gelato, bitch."
"What? It... It wasn't me!!"
Envy got up. This sounded familiar. This sounded like their lunch earlier that day. "Hang on..." she said. "Are you saying gelato isn't vegan?"
"It contains milk and eggs, ma'am."
... It sounded delicious. But Envy was now thinking back on other parts of the meal. "... Is chicken parmesan vegan?"
"Is it?" asked one vegan cop.
"I'm not sure," the other one said. "Isn't a 'parmesan' like a rodent or something?"
The specifics didn't matter. She'd specifically asked Todd if gelato was some kind of fruit ice. It was such a small thing, but... She punched him in the arm. Hard. "You lied to me!!!" He'd lied to her. He'd really, probably routinely lied to her. This was all the proof she needed. She could feel the tears start welling up now.
Meanwhile, Todd was still being read his sentence.
"The rules are simple, Todd."
"No vegan diet, no vegan powers, bitch."
The cops pointed their fingers at Todd, and a bright green ray shot out from them and hit him. A deveganizing ray. Yeah. And it worked. When the ray was gone, his hair sagged. He was normal.
And he fell to his knees. "NNNOOOOOOO!!!!"
And that was when Scott headbutted him.
And he burst into coins. Envy found herself falling to her knees. A small raincloud formed above her head. It began to rain.
(Scott also gained an extra life, but who really cared about that? Todd was gone.)
There was some commotion. Then, Scott asked, "So, are you... uh... okay?"
"Who are you asking?" Ramona wondered.
"Uh... In general. All y'all."
"I'm fine. Envy's the one who --"
Envy shook her head. "Am I...?" Was she okay? How was that even a question? She looked up. Locked her gaze with Scott's, fire in her eyes even if her voice was icy. "You just headbutted my best friend so hard he burst, Scott."
"But... But he was a no-good, cheating dickwad!"
Envy felt herself slump again. "I guess." Even with all of that, he'd been her everything.
Now what?
[ooc: NFB, NFI, OOC-okay, we're so close to the end, you guys! Scott Pilgrim volume three is the source, for the second-to-last time! Warning for a lot of exaggerated cartoon-style violence.]