if you want suggestions (and if you don't, please stop reading so as not to be offended by my presumptuousness) it might help to add a bit more puntuation to the first bit. Right now all the words flow together in a mumbling mass, and the rest of the poem is much clearer.
It's fun to follow along the line of it though..and I'll stop talking now
of course suggestions are always welcomed and appreciated, i thank you for them. the first part was indeed very melty; i wrote this as a vomit of conciousness, no editing or filtering. i'm not sure if that's how i want it or not. the line, "but folded speaking of folding" is supposed be confusing. are the bailarines speaking of folding while they fold? or is it an : "oh by the way, speaking of folding, how's your blah blah blah?"
much appreciated input, i've edited it if you care to look.
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if you want suggestions (and if you don't, please stop reading so as not to be offended by my presumptuousness) it might help to add a bit more puntuation to the first bit. Right now all the words flow together in a mumbling mass, and the rest of the poem is much clearer.
It's fun to follow along the line of it though..and I'll stop talking now
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"but folded speaking of folding" is supposed be confusing. are the bailarines speaking of folding while they fold? or is it an : "oh by the way, speaking of folding, how's your blah blah blah?"
much appreciated input, i've edited it if you care to look.
Reply
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