my problem is that i am forever tempted by possibility. for every decision that's made, there's this alternate universe of possibilities that's created and i am always so fixated on that. Kierkegaard wrote that "the most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have." and damn, that's like my whole existence ( Read more... )

everything in its right place.

it won't last. hold on fast.

i can't deal with spring.

i keep repeating t.s. eliot in my head obsessively, like somehow i'll find an answer there, like a line in the sand.

i need a connection. i'm not finding any. i feel so utterly unfulfilled.

when did everyone become so boring?

something more. something deeper.

i need to be everywhere, exist in everything, be closer to divinity, the Universe, push and pull and connections and currents.

how do i get closer?

all that's good will last.

oh i am such a fool.

today i mourned the loss of teenage friendship, all raw and full of feeling, full of wanting, without the knowledge of the pain that can come from letting any one person get too close.

i miss that and i wonder as i grow older if there will ever be anything like that again in my life. something tells me there won't...

got accepted to the School of the Art Institute of Chicago.
they gave me a $2000 academic scholarship, wihch is laughable, because my gpa is 2.6.

should i stay or should i go?

evenings taste like death. in twilight, i walk, every smell like a punch, lingering on wrists and arms, a yellow light. i try not to think about how April is the cruelest month, how May is suicide weather, how i lost myself somewhere in the void between the two. i tell myself that i am a rattlesnake, shed my skin and come out new, bare feet in ( Read more... )