Funny Cheers
Here's to the girl in the little red shoes:
She smokes your smokes, she drinks your booze.
She's lost her cherry, but that's no sin -
She's still got the box that the cherry came in!
------------
Friends may come and friends may go,
Friends may peter out, you know.
But friends are friends thorugh thick and thin,
Peter out, or peter in!
------------
"Forever, we friends three
all for one is how it'll be
but if we should ever disagree,
Well Fuck you, here's to me!"
------------
"May your hemorroids distress you,
And corns adorn your feet,
May crabs as big as horsehoes
Climb on your balls and eat,
And when you're old and feeble,
And a syphylitic wreck,
May your spine fall out your bunghole,
And bust your frigging neck."
-------------
Here's lookin' up your assets!
-------------
(Start of a wedding toast with...)
"this is the second time today I got off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand..."
-------------
AND THIS IS NOT a toast...hilarious though!!!
The Miracle Toddler Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most
diets is that you don't get enough to eat (starvation), you don't get
enough
variation (liquid) or you go broke (all meal diet). Consequently, people
tend to cheat on their diets or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the
new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed that most
two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to
all in
this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this
diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards.Good Luck!
Day One:
BREAKFAST One scrambled egg, one piece toast with grape jelly: eat 2 bites
of egg, using your fingers, dump rest on floor. Take one bite of toast,
then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
LUNCH Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of
milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest)
DINNER A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite
SNACK Throw a piece of toast on kitchen floor
Day Two
BREAKFAST Pick up stale toast on kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half a
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye (red is best)
LUNCH Half a tube of "pulsating pink" lipstick and a handful of Dog Chow
(any flavor). One ice cube, desired.
SNACK Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.
Retrieve and continue slurping until its clean again. Then bring inside
and drop on rug.
DINNER A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
Day Three
BREAKFAST Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on
the cushion of best chair in house.
LUNCH Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites
on floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
DINNER Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips and some red punch. Try
to laugh some punch through your nose if possible.
Final Day
BREAKFAST A quarter tube of toothpaste (avoid mint), bit of soap, an
olive.Pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.
Once
cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
LUNCH Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish it.
DINNER A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.
She smokes your smokes, she drinks your booze.
She's lost her cherry, but that's no sin -
She's still got the box that the cherry came in!
------------
Friends may come and friends may go,
Friends may peter out, you know.
But friends are friends thorugh thick and thin,
Peter out, or peter in!
------------
"Forever, we friends three
all for one is how it'll be
but if we should ever disagree,
Well Fuck you, here's to me!"
------------
"May your hemorroids distress you,
And corns adorn your feet,
May crabs as big as horsehoes
Climb on your balls and eat,
And when you're old and feeble,
And a syphylitic wreck,
May your spine fall out your bunghole,
And bust your frigging neck."
-------------
Here's lookin' up your assets!
-------------
(Start of a wedding toast with...)
"this is the second time today I got off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand..."
-------------
AND THIS IS NOT a toast...hilarious though!!!
The Miracle Toddler Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most
diets is that you don't get enough to eat (starvation), you don't get
enough
variation (liquid) or you go broke (all meal diet). Consequently, people
tend to cheat on their diets or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the
new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed that most
two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to
all in
this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this
diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards.Good Luck!
Day One:
BREAKFAST One scrambled egg, one piece toast with grape jelly: eat 2 bites
of egg, using your fingers, dump rest on floor. Take one bite of toast,
then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
LUNCH Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of
milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest)
DINNER A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite
SNACK Throw a piece of toast on kitchen floor
Day Two
BREAKFAST Pick up stale toast on kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half a
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye (red is best)
LUNCH Half a tube of "pulsating pink" lipstick and a handful of Dog Chow
(any flavor). One ice cube, desired.
SNACK Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.
Retrieve and continue slurping until its clean again. Then bring inside
and drop on rug.
DINNER A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
Day Three
BREAKFAST Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on
the cushion of best chair in house.
LUNCH Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites
on floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
DINNER Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips and some red punch. Try
to laugh some punch through your nose if possible.
Final Day
BREAKFAST A quarter tube of toothpaste (avoid mint), bit of soap, an
olive.Pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.
Once
cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
LUNCH Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish it.
DINNER A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.