uncertain
uncertain | pg | oneshot (2,148 words)
suyin | un(beta)ed | for meiyin
Uncertain
(The Past; Year 2008)
She saw the confusion floating in his eyes as she waited for a response. He had his mouth open, ready to tell her of promises she already heard before. But nothing came out. And eventhough his mouth closed and opened again, the hurt and confusion reflected in those dark orbs of his did not change at all.
She felt sorry - guilty even - but she needed this. She had to have her freedom. she craved to be away from him, not just physically like they always were, but in all things that mattered.
She needed herself back.
"Oppa," she called, voice barely a whisper. "I'm sorry. I really am."
"If you really are sorry, take it back, Riinie. Say you're joking. Tell me you love me again," he begged. And he did so over and over.
She shook her head, no. Firm on her stance, firm on what she needed. She shook her head. But she relented.
"I do love you. I'm not saying I don't. I am in love with you, so much that I think I'm dying," she tried to explain, her hand grasping on her own chest. Again, like she had ages ago, everytime they'd have quarrels and fights and challenges. "I've been living because of you and for you for so long now, I don't even know who I am anymore."
She took a deep breath. He was back to being speechless. It was exhausting.
"I go on stage and I sing and it's your face I see and it's you I think about. Each and everytime. I fail, my voice breaks, and I go off key. Still, I think of you. Because you are too damned perfect and I can't be like you." Tears ran down her face. More tears, her sight was misted and blurred. "I think of you all the time. I call you when I'm happy and I call you when I'm down. Somehow I can't imagine myself without you. But I have to, oppa. I need to."
He shook his head, still disbelieving her words. "I'm like that, too," he murmured. "My world revolves around you. It has been so since the very beginning, since tht blasted shoe incident," he countered, voice raising an octave. "All these things, are they only for me?" he retorted. "Even my bank account isn't exclusively for my sake."
Liyin shook her head. “But who are you, oppa? And who am I?”
He was taken aback. He couldn’t answer, and she was not expecting him to. She stepped closer to the man she loved and held her face in her small hands.
“You are you,” she murmured. “And I,” she added. “I am Xiah Junsu’s girl.”
Flabbergasted, he could not refute her words. Junsu could only gaze unto her. Liyin’s eyes reflected her love, hurt, and confusion. Hers showed what his did. And then, there was nothing but the image of Liyin’s back disappearing from Junsu’s vision.
And then, there was nothing.
She moved on.
That was what she said. That was what she tried to convince herself of. She worked and smiled and sung and laughed. And she moved on.
Only, to the trained eyes - that is, to the people who truly knew here - Liyin was dying inside. But she was now Jang Riin Zhang Liyin. She was more than the girl that sung beside Junsu in Timeless or that girl Xiah Junsu helped debut.
She was now Jang Riin Zhang Liyin. And she liked it. She liked it very much, indeed. Not to be living in her boyfriend’s shadow felt almost like a dream come true. Not to mention the actual freedom - she could go to clubs now, and drink and watch movies with friends - was somehow magical. The company couldn’t have cared less what she did during her down time - as long as she didn’t get into trouble, she was free as an eagle in the skies.
After she takes off her high-heeled shoes, however, she’d slump onto the floor and stare into the blank walls.
Liyin crumbled like coarse cookie dough because she was free, but she felt empty.
She sang I Will, cried because of the words. She wanted to tell him those things. But she couldn’t. It was her fault that she felt this miserable; she deserved it for doing this to him. So she burried herself with her work and promotions. Liyin danced and sung like nobody’s business.
China was a welcome change. She loved being back in her home country, being able to go to the places she loved as a child. She went there and she did the things she enjoyed, as well. Her childhood friends visited her often; her mom went to each of her performances. She was aclaimed and awarded and loved.
At night, however, after all the stage lights had dimmed, she’d exhaust herself by walking around. She’d let her feet carry her to wherever, memorizing the city at night. Most times she found herself in a familiar site, not exactly the same, but similar to where she went walking - with him.
She did her best not to breakdown; controlled the tears that threatened to escape her rebellious heart. She knew crying won’t be able to help her. She had to forget and let go like he had. And Liyin would, she promised herself. She really would.
The sudden vibration pressing on her thigh surprised her. She fished for her mobile and lifts it to her ear.
“Hello?” she greeted softly. She listened for a little while, nodding every now and then. After hanging up, and pocketing the device, she turned and retraced the steps she took to get there.
She ate dinner, and hang out, with the gang. She had her Geng gege and Siwon oppa beside her; Liyin couldn’t really ask for anything more. It was supposed to be a dream.
But it wasn’t. Her oppas look at her like they know something was wrong, as if everything was wrong - even without her voicing a word. They talked with each other in hushed tones, glancing at her like she wouldn’t notice. They blatantly tried to help her but she did not need any help. And she refused any help.
The next day, she jumped into a yellow beatle, the driver of which was a man who’d tried for so long. She let him drive to wherever he thought was romantic, trusting that he wouldn’t try to do anything beyond he knew she’d let him.
“You hungry?” he asked, handsome and charming as he was.
Liyin nodded, a sweet smile appearing upon his lips. They grabbed a bite in a small snack shop where she ordered dumplings. The taste that assaulted her tongue made her moan - it somehow made her forget why she was with another man.
The ride back to the city, however, had Liyin staring out the car window without even seeing anything.
Donghae did not try and ask her out again. No one did anymore.
She went back to working and rolling her eyes at both her gege and oppa, especially when they seemed to be trying to study her expressions and reactions. She sought refuge, once again, from the stage and the studio. The singer tore herself limb from limb to numb every other pain. And it worked.
Well, it did until she saw the pictures. And hear the news from his own band mate.
“I swear, Rinie, your Junsu’s a fucking idiot,” Yoochun greeted her on the phone. Niceties weren’t necessary at times like this. “That was a mistake, love,” he added.
Liyin shook her head even though the older man could not see her. “Oppa, he’s not mine - at least not anymore.”
Yoochun snorted. “That’s just the thing, Rinie. He is. And he knows that.” He waited for a response but none came. “He knows that that girl was a mistake. He knows that every other girl is a mistake. If any of them were right he wouldn’t be learning to drink,” he said matter-of-factly.
“Oppa - “
“Rinie. Junsu loves you. His family loves you. This break up is a mistake - it should be left behind, forgotten. This girl and that boy - I know you went out with Hae and I’m okay with you dating but - they are both mistakes.” He beathed out audibly. “Love, things need to be righted. For everyone’s sake. I don’t care who does what but I need you to promise me that you’d be open to that.”
“Yoochun oppa, I don’t think anything like that will happen.”
“No,” he countered. “It will. I’m sure of it, Rinie. And when’s you mighty Chun oppa ever wrong?”
"He's moved on. He likes someone else now." Liyin stifled a sob.
"No he's not. You see people say that your Junsu is ruthless, that he's marked you so that no one else will chase after you. What they don't know - including you, obviously - that without realizing it, you marked him somewhere others can't see or feel. You've taken his heart - bewitched him - that it's impossible for him to love any other woman after you. And you know he can’t live without love, he just can’t."
(The Future; Year Unknown)
“Ready?” he will ask as he twirls his car keys between his fingers. He will rise from the couch, as Liyin nods her affirmation.
Junsu will grab his jacket from the back of the seat and the paper bag his lover prepared beforehand. He will walk straight out the apartment, the young woman following suit. Liyin will lock the door behind them before intertwining her fingers with his. They will hasten, side by side, to the basement parking and, together, they will speed out of the city towards his family’s home.
“Oppa, let’s stop by Bluets on the way, I want to buy flowers for your mom,” Liyin will say, soft and sweet.
A smile will appear upon her man’s lips, pleased at how she thinks, grateful that he has her.
“Yah,” she will prod for a response.
“Will do, ma’am,” he will reply, the smile not leaving his features. “You do know that you don’t need to court my omma, right?” he will joke, jovial, happy, and pretty much contented.
Liyin will roll her eyes. “You do know that if I’m courting - as you so kindly put it - your mom, I’m only doing you a favor, right?” she will ask back, tone mimicking the same he used moments ago.
Junsu will laugh at that, aloud and uninhibited. He will almost stop the car just to kiss the woman beside him senseless, but he helps himself. He will avoid looking at her the rest of the ride to Bluets.
Liyin will disappear into the flower shop for a little less than five minutes. Junsu will wait for her, sitting on the hood of his car. She will emerge without any of her purchases and he will tilt his head in confusion.
“I bought a customized bouquet so the florist is still working on it,” she will answer his unworded question. “It’ll only take a few. You don’t mind, do you?”
He will shake his head, indicating that everything was just fine; he will wait however long for her. Junsu will take her hand in his, all of a sudden, fully aware but ignoring the fact that they are in public. He will give her a wide smile.
“I miss you, my Riinie,” he will tell her. And he will repeat; the words will make both their hearts swell.
“But you always miss me, oppa,” Liyin will chastise, trying her hardest not to coo at him. But she will let out a laugh before letting go of his hand.
Junsu will groan but the same will get cut off when he realizes that he is engulfed in her warmth. And he will envelope her in his arms, as well, his hold as tight as he could go.
He never wants to let go. Never again, he will promise himself silently.
They will stay like that for a while. Liyin will only let go when the florist calls her for the flowers she bought. And grabbing the fragrant bunch, she will wink at her boyfriend a silent command to get back in his car and start driving.
Seatbelts in place, the lady will stop the man from starting the ignition. She will touch his hand and trail her fingers up his arms to his shoulder and neck. She will cup his face in her palm, caressing his cheek softly in the process.
“Hey, come here,” she will whisper with a smile as soft as her touch.
Junsu will shift closer to Liyin, a tilt on his head and an eyebrow raised.
“I love you.”
The words will be accompanied by a kiss - passionate yet gentle, like the angel Asia’s brightest star had fallen for.
------
A/N: I'm gonna take a break from writing oneshots and focus on a short story. I said before that I would stop writing altogether, but Meiyin came to me with the prompt for this and I just couldn't refuse. I hope someone enjoys this.
suyin | un(beta)ed | for meiyin
Uncertain
(The Past; Year 2008)
She saw the confusion floating in his eyes as she waited for a response. He had his mouth open, ready to tell her of promises she already heard before. But nothing came out. And eventhough his mouth closed and opened again, the hurt and confusion reflected in those dark orbs of his did not change at all.
She felt sorry - guilty even - but she needed this. She had to have her freedom. she craved to be away from him, not just physically like they always were, but in all things that mattered.
She needed herself back.
"Oppa," she called, voice barely a whisper. "I'm sorry. I really am."
"If you really are sorry, take it back, Riinie. Say you're joking. Tell me you love me again," he begged. And he did so over and over.
She shook her head, no. Firm on her stance, firm on what she needed. She shook her head. But she relented.
"I do love you. I'm not saying I don't. I am in love with you, so much that I think I'm dying," she tried to explain, her hand grasping on her own chest. Again, like she had ages ago, everytime they'd have quarrels and fights and challenges. "I've been living because of you and for you for so long now, I don't even know who I am anymore."
She took a deep breath. He was back to being speechless. It was exhausting.
"I go on stage and I sing and it's your face I see and it's you I think about. Each and everytime. I fail, my voice breaks, and I go off key. Still, I think of you. Because you are too damned perfect and I can't be like you." Tears ran down her face. More tears, her sight was misted and blurred. "I think of you all the time. I call you when I'm happy and I call you when I'm down. Somehow I can't imagine myself without you. But I have to, oppa. I need to."
He shook his head, still disbelieving her words. "I'm like that, too," he murmured. "My world revolves around you. It has been so since the very beginning, since tht blasted shoe incident," he countered, voice raising an octave. "All these things, are they only for me?" he retorted. "Even my bank account isn't exclusively for my sake."
Liyin shook her head. “But who are you, oppa? And who am I?”
He was taken aback. He couldn’t answer, and she was not expecting him to. She stepped closer to the man she loved and held her face in her small hands.
“You are you,” she murmured. “And I,” she added. “I am Xiah Junsu’s girl.”
Flabbergasted, he could not refute her words. Junsu could only gaze unto her. Liyin’s eyes reflected her love, hurt, and confusion. Hers showed what his did. And then, there was nothing but the image of Liyin’s back disappearing from Junsu’s vision.
And then, there was nothing.
She moved on.
That was what she said. That was what she tried to convince herself of. She worked and smiled and sung and laughed. And she moved on.
Only, to the trained eyes - that is, to the people who truly knew here - Liyin was dying inside. But she was now Jang Riin Zhang Liyin. She was more than the girl that sung beside Junsu in Timeless or that girl Xiah Junsu helped debut.
She was now Jang Riin Zhang Liyin. And she liked it. She liked it very much, indeed. Not to be living in her boyfriend’s shadow felt almost like a dream come true. Not to mention the actual freedom - she could go to clubs now, and drink and watch movies with friends - was somehow magical. The company couldn’t have cared less what she did during her down time - as long as she didn’t get into trouble, she was free as an eagle in the skies.
After she takes off her high-heeled shoes, however, she’d slump onto the floor and stare into the blank walls.
Liyin crumbled like coarse cookie dough because she was free, but she felt empty.
She sang I Will, cried because of the words. She wanted to tell him those things. But she couldn’t. It was her fault that she felt this miserable; she deserved it for doing this to him. So she burried herself with her work and promotions. Liyin danced and sung like nobody’s business.
China was a welcome change. She loved being back in her home country, being able to go to the places she loved as a child. She went there and she did the things she enjoyed, as well. Her childhood friends visited her often; her mom went to each of her performances. She was aclaimed and awarded and loved.
At night, however, after all the stage lights had dimmed, she’d exhaust herself by walking around. She’d let her feet carry her to wherever, memorizing the city at night. Most times she found herself in a familiar site, not exactly the same, but similar to where she went walking - with him.
She did her best not to breakdown; controlled the tears that threatened to escape her rebellious heart. She knew crying won’t be able to help her. She had to forget and let go like he had. And Liyin would, she promised herself. She really would.
The sudden vibration pressing on her thigh surprised her. She fished for her mobile and lifts it to her ear.
“Hello?” she greeted softly. She listened for a little while, nodding every now and then. After hanging up, and pocketing the device, she turned and retraced the steps she took to get there.
She ate dinner, and hang out, with the gang. She had her Geng gege and Siwon oppa beside her; Liyin couldn’t really ask for anything more. It was supposed to be a dream.
But it wasn’t. Her oppas look at her like they know something was wrong, as if everything was wrong - even without her voicing a word. They talked with each other in hushed tones, glancing at her like she wouldn’t notice. They blatantly tried to help her but she did not need any help. And she refused any help.
The next day, she jumped into a yellow beatle, the driver of which was a man who’d tried for so long. She let him drive to wherever he thought was romantic, trusting that he wouldn’t try to do anything beyond he knew she’d let him.
“You hungry?” he asked, handsome and charming as he was.
Liyin nodded, a sweet smile appearing upon his lips. They grabbed a bite in a small snack shop where she ordered dumplings. The taste that assaulted her tongue made her moan - it somehow made her forget why she was with another man.
The ride back to the city, however, had Liyin staring out the car window without even seeing anything.
Donghae did not try and ask her out again. No one did anymore.
She went back to working and rolling her eyes at both her gege and oppa, especially when they seemed to be trying to study her expressions and reactions. She sought refuge, once again, from the stage and the studio. The singer tore herself limb from limb to numb every other pain. And it worked.
Well, it did until she saw the pictures. And hear the news from his own band mate.
“I swear, Rinie, your Junsu’s a fucking idiot,” Yoochun greeted her on the phone. Niceties weren’t necessary at times like this. “That was a mistake, love,” he added.
Liyin shook her head even though the older man could not see her. “Oppa, he’s not mine - at least not anymore.”
Yoochun snorted. “That’s just the thing, Rinie. He is. And he knows that.” He waited for a response but none came. “He knows that that girl was a mistake. He knows that every other girl is a mistake. If any of them were right he wouldn’t be learning to drink,” he said matter-of-factly.
“Oppa - “
“Rinie. Junsu loves you. His family loves you. This break up is a mistake - it should be left behind, forgotten. This girl and that boy - I know you went out with Hae and I’m okay with you dating but - they are both mistakes.” He beathed out audibly. “Love, things need to be righted. For everyone’s sake. I don’t care who does what but I need you to promise me that you’d be open to that.”
“Yoochun oppa, I don’t think anything like that will happen.”
“No,” he countered. “It will. I’m sure of it, Rinie. And when’s you mighty Chun oppa ever wrong?”
"He's moved on. He likes someone else now." Liyin stifled a sob.
"No he's not. You see people say that your Junsu is ruthless, that he's marked you so that no one else will chase after you. What they don't know - including you, obviously - that without realizing it, you marked him somewhere others can't see or feel. You've taken his heart - bewitched him - that it's impossible for him to love any other woman after you. And you know he can’t live without love, he just can’t."
(The Future; Year Unknown)
“Ready?” he will ask as he twirls his car keys between his fingers. He will rise from the couch, as Liyin nods her affirmation.
Junsu will grab his jacket from the back of the seat and the paper bag his lover prepared beforehand. He will walk straight out the apartment, the young woman following suit. Liyin will lock the door behind them before intertwining her fingers with his. They will hasten, side by side, to the basement parking and, together, they will speed out of the city towards his family’s home.
“Oppa, let’s stop by Bluets on the way, I want to buy flowers for your mom,” Liyin will say, soft and sweet.
A smile will appear upon her man’s lips, pleased at how she thinks, grateful that he has her.
“Yah,” she will prod for a response.
“Will do, ma’am,” he will reply, the smile not leaving his features. “You do know that you don’t need to court my omma, right?” he will joke, jovial, happy, and pretty much contented.
Liyin will roll her eyes. “You do know that if I’m courting - as you so kindly put it - your mom, I’m only doing you a favor, right?” she will ask back, tone mimicking the same he used moments ago.
Junsu will laugh at that, aloud and uninhibited. He will almost stop the car just to kiss the woman beside him senseless, but he helps himself. He will avoid looking at her the rest of the ride to Bluets.
Liyin will disappear into the flower shop for a little less than five minutes. Junsu will wait for her, sitting on the hood of his car. She will emerge without any of her purchases and he will tilt his head in confusion.
“I bought a customized bouquet so the florist is still working on it,” she will answer his unworded question. “It’ll only take a few. You don’t mind, do you?”
He will shake his head, indicating that everything was just fine; he will wait however long for her. Junsu will take her hand in his, all of a sudden, fully aware but ignoring the fact that they are in public. He will give her a wide smile.
“I miss you, my Riinie,” he will tell her. And he will repeat; the words will make both their hearts swell.
“But you always miss me, oppa,” Liyin will chastise, trying her hardest not to coo at him. But she will let out a laugh before letting go of his hand.
Junsu will groan but the same will get cut off when he realizes that he is engulfed in her warmth. And he will envelope her in his arms, as well, his hold as tight as he could go.
He never wants to let go. Never again, he will promise himself silently.
They will stay like that for a while. Liyin will only let go when the florist calls her for the flowers she bought. And grabbing the fragrant bunch, she will wink at her boyfriend a silent command to get back in his car and start driving.
Seatbelts in place, the lady will stop the man from starting the ignition. She will touch his hand and trail her fingers up his arms to his shoulder and neck. She will cup his face in her palm, caressing his cheek softly in the process.
“Hey, come here,” she will whisper with a smile as soft as her touch.
Junsu will shift closer to Liyin, a tilt on his head and an eyebrow raised.
“I love you.”
The words will be accompanied by a kiss - passionate yet gentle, like the angel Asia’s brightest star had fallen for.
------
A/N: I'm gonna take a break from writing oneshots and focus on a short story. I said before that I would stop writing altogether, but Meiyin came to me with the prompt for this and I just couldn't refuse. I hope someone enjoys this.