How To Play (Or Not Play)
Everyone knows that it is virtually impossible for subbie guys to find dommey women to play with. I mean, it's a truism. It's a law of nature. It's as real and unavoidable as gravity.
Except that it's not.
I will accept that a woman in the kink scene, whether she is on the domme or sub side of the ledger, is going to get a lot more attention from random people of the opposite sex than a man will, but that would probably be true of most women in a vanilla environment.
The last time I was in Sydney Maitresse, Miss Lis and I were on our way to brunch when the two of them started comparing notes on the messages they receive on Fetlife from guys. Miss Lis was getting notices from subbie guys she had never met who were "desperate" to be her slave in spite of the fact that they had never met her and the long list of things they wanted her to do to them were not things that were of any interest to her.
Maitresse was getting messages sent to her subbie alter ego by dom guys assuming that she would comply with whatever confusing and badly spelt demands they made of her simply because they called her a "durty slutt" or whatever ridiculous form of address they chose to use.
I, on the other hand, have been spared the barrage of messages from semi-literate types (though even I once got a message from the laziest of lazy guys who couldn't even be bothered to notice that I am not, as he seemed to suppose, "a pretty slavegirl").
These are the guys, it would seem to me, who are the ones complaining that there aren't enough women to play with. Well if you approach women with a laundry list of things that you want done to you, or without taking any interest in them beyond a generic female figure, don't be surprised if you get no response.
There is, to be sure, a whole industry surrounding femdom which enables some of these guys to get their fix. I've been contributing to this indistry for a while now. It's been nearly a year and a half since I walked into Carisbrook for my first session with Mistress Jadis. In that time she is just about the only person I have played with. I have been going through a long process of getting comfortable with my own kink. In that time Mistress Jadis has referred me to the Undes 30s which has led to me making actual friends in the kink scene, something that would once have seemed beyond the pale.
Having friends means I have other people to play with. To an extent, I have done so. Lou and I caned each other at a Kinky Farm party in Canberra. A bit of pretty tame playing was done at RnR last month. Maitresse and Miss Lis and I were going to play the last time I was in Sydney (but we opted to delay playing until a later date on account of fatigue. DAMN YOU FATIGUE!!!) Recently I was in Melbourne for work and DragonGirl and I considered the prospect of playing.
All of the people I have played with, or considered playing with, are friends. They are all people I had already met, and they are people that I trust. This, in my experience, is the best way to play.
I did play with a stranger once at the Kinky Farm. It didn't go as well as I would have liked. Our interests were not all that compatible, the dynamic spooked me, and she had been drinking. Altogether, not a good recipe for kinky fun. To be honest, I was a bit ashamed of myself for playing under such conditions. Was I so keen to play that I would breach the rules I set for myself just because someone else wanted to play?
Not long ago I got a text from Kinky Stranger Girl complaining that there was "never any play" for her. Whether or not that was her expressing an interest in playing with me again I don't know. If it was, there was a time when I would have taken her up. That time wasn't long ago. But now, I don't need it. For the first time ever, I am in a position where I can politely say "no thank you."
Suddenly I find myself not quite surrounded by plenty of people who know me and like playing with me, but certainly with friends who appreciate my approach to kink enough to be interested in playing. (I certainly hope this doesn't sound like bragging.) This only happened by putting in the proverbial hard yards and befriending people without any expectations that playing would result.
So the lesson is if you want to play, first make friends.