Building a wall out of helplessness bricks?
I'm a member of the Canberra Subs & Slaves group of Fetlife. Recently a post went up in the group explaining that because someone had tried "misrepresenting themselves to join our group and troll for subs", they had "taken the regrettable step of removing switches from our group."
This bothered me.
If you have been paying attention, you will know that I have recently been dissatisfied with the sub label. It seems at times as though fewer and fewer of the signposts of subbies resonate with me. Being at events with this group has reminded me of that fact. I've seen people who had to ring their dom/me to ask for permission to have a glass of wine. Now if that is something that works for you, fine. I won't disparage for a second your kink if you find it fulfilling. But it does seem to me to put subbies in something approaching a position of helplessness where they are unable to make decisions for themselves or to stand on their own.
And this decision seemed to reinforce that. So I responded thusly.
I will say for the record that I have no problem whatsoever with switches being in this group. None. At. All. I know that there have been switches in this group, and at no time have I felt the least bit threatened or unsafe that someone present might not be entirely submissive.
I also know that identities can be complicatated and fluid. Someone might start off as a sub and find themselves dissatisfied with aspects of the label and seek to express themselves in other ways, including taking on the switch label. That does not in any way derogate from their sincerity as a sub, and it does not mean they don't from time to time need the sort of forum that can be provided by groups like this one.
If we were to spell out that "trolling" is forbidden and enforce that rule, I think that would fix most problems related to misrepresentation.
On the other hand, if we start excluding people based on a label they have chosen for themselves on Fetlife, we run the risk of excluding people who could benefit from the group, and who could bring benefits to the group.
I'm also not clear on exactly how purging switches will make anyone more safe. If someone is going to use the term switch as a ploy to troll for subs, what is to stop them from using the sub label to do the same thing? All they have done is apply a different term to themselves. The issue isn't with the label, it is with behaviour, and it is behaviour rather than labels that we should be policing if we are going to police anything.
So why not let switches in with the clear proviso that they wear their subbie hats? Are we going to start making judgement calls on who has adequate subbie cred? Do we really want to exclude people who don't have an exclusively subbie identity just because some asshat of a domme might use the term switch as cover to move in on a cadre of helpless subbies?
And are we really unable to tell that asshat of a domme that their advances are unwelcome?
I hope I struck the right tone.
Here we were being admonished to consult with Masters/Mistresses (protocol is important to some people, but I'd be interested to know what the members, being consenting and free-thinking adults believe.) Here we were, purging anyone who chose to define themselves as a switch, including those with sincere and deep submissive instincts. I've even changed my kink orientation from sub to kinkster recently. Am I about to become ravenous and predatory, seeking to wreak havoc amongst the subbies at the next munch whilst cackling maniacally? (Well, no. I don't cackle all that well anyway, at least not with a straight face.) Here we were dealing with the assumption that we are unable as submissive individuals to stand up for ourselves in the event that someone making unwelcome overtures.
I was going to send a message of support to someone who also expressed reservations about the great switch purge, and like me suggested that enforcing a "no hunting" rule was likely to be a more sensible approach, but then I noticed that all contact was apparently to go through her dom and I felt that perhaps I shouldn't.
Though I've enjoyed toppy things at times, I'm not a switch. Still, I wonder if I should be in this group at all if the mores of many members are so alien to my own.