(no subject)
The Evolution of Romance for Gokudera Hayato
Or: Eight Reasons Why Gokudera Can’t Top
Goku --> Tsuna, Yama --> Goku, Tsuna/ONE OF THE GIRLS, Yamamoto/Gokudera, vague-barely-there-might-be-your-imagination Ryohei/Hibari.
1.
When he was fourteen and he met the next Vongola boss, Gokudera decided he was in love.
He also decided that he would woo the 10th and bed him as soon as possible; he knew kids back home who were no longer virgins and Gokudera was quite sure he was ready to join the land of adults. Of course, being, well, a virgin meant that he had absolutely no idea how to go about wooing and fornicating with the 10th; he knew the mechanics, sure, but he had never really tried to understand how it worked with, well, two boys. So, as all teens are wont to do, Gokudera relied on the Internet to teach him.
His lesson on the wonders of gay sex was a bit more graphic than he felt he needed but he came away from the experience much more knowledgeable. He decided he would much prefer the 10th to take him; the 10th was the leader, the boss, so really, it would only be the proper order of things.
2.
When he was sixteen, he had sex for the first time with a girl he went to school with.
It was messy and kind of gross and Gokudera was quite sure he didn’t like it very much. She had cried afterward when he had said he no, didn’t want to go out with her, no, he didn’t enjoy it very much, yes, he would like to leave as soon as possible. He decided girls were too much of a hassle and too squishy and it was too much work on his part. She expected him to make her feel good, which was, he thought, quite stupid since he had no idea what made girls feel good.
Gokudera decided that he didn’t ever want to do this with a girl again, and that when he finally seduced the 10th, he would be quite content on playing the girl’s part. He would make sure that the 10th wouldn’t have to do all the work but he wouldn’t have to think as much. Yeah, that sounded good.
3.
When he was eighteen, he had sex for the first time with a guy he met at a party.
It was less messy and less gross, but Gokudera was quite sure it wasn’t as good as it could have been. For one thing, the guy had refused to take him, so he had to take control. And while he didn’t have to do as much work as with a girl, well, he still had to think and really, how could anyone expect him to keep a clear mind while doing this stuff? He knew it was possible, sure, but he decided that that wasn’t something he could do. He much preferred the idea of someone taking charge.
So Gokudera decided that when he finally got the 10th to do him, he would definitely be taken. He was sure the 10th would appreciate it, too, because the 10th liked girls (although Gokudera was sure he could get the 10th to like him as well) and it was an easier transition. And Gokudera wouldn’t have to think.
4.
When he was twenty, Gokudera let some guy he barely knew take him in a bathroom.
He decided he definitely preferred it to taking the lead, but the actual deed had left him feeling dirty and a little more than ashamed. After it was done he had rushed away (turning down all the guy’s questions about a second time; tch, there would never be a second time) and taken refuge at a park to tend to his bruised ego. It had been sunset, but nothing pretty- the clouds were covering the sky and it was already dark. Somehow, Yamamoto had found him (the last guy he wanted to see, besides the 10th) and dragged him back to the base.
Yamamoto had made him a snack and didn’t ask any questions, even when Gokudera had cursed at him and told him to get the fuck away. He had smiled (Gokudera hated how he always smiled), given him a plate of sushi (Gokudera had to admit it looked delicious) and ruffled at his hair (Gokudera had swatted at his hand and called him an idiot) before leaving him to think on his own.
5.
When he was twenty-two, the 10th told everyone that he and she were- finally- going out.
He had smiled and laughed and smacked the 10th on the back (the back that was broad now, fitting of the 10th, and more masculine than it had been as a kid, but then they were older, the 10th was taller- taller than Gokudera- and no one could deny he was the spitting image of Iemitsu). Gokudera left partway through the celebration (somewhere between Ryohei doing an extreme back flip because he was so happy for the 10th and Hibari threatening to bite him to death if he broke anything; whether he meant furniture or a bone Gokudera didn’t know), heading to a nearby bar where he proceeded to get quite drunk. He had known, really, that this day would come, but it still hurt.
He had ended up all but violated in the alley behind the bar (he didn’t want it no no no even if he couldn’t help getting turned on this wasn’t what he wanted, he tried to say but the alcohol dulled his senses) before someone had found him, someone who he was sure smelled faintly of a rainstorm and cooking spices, and dragged him back to the base. When Gokudera woke up the next morning, he wasn’t sure if the kiss he had felt being pressed into his hair the night before had been real or a dream.
6.
When he was twenty-four, the 10th and she got married just like he had always known they would.
He had played the part of the best man perfectly, giving a speech and playing a piece on the piano and laughing and drinking and being an all around idiot, just as he was expected to do. The ceremony had been beautiful and the reception was crazy, as was everything else when they all got together. Sometime past ten he had left the party, slipped out to take a walk around the grounds of the estate, smiling to himself when he heard Ryohei shout something, Hibari threaten him, and Mukuro (who was technically an illusion, he kept having to remind himself of that) laugh the chilling laugh that made everyone kind of uncomfortable.
He had long given up on the 10th, but this was so final, and it still hurt. He didn’t say anything when Yamamoto caught up with him, smiled the same smile he had as a kid (the smile that simultaneously infuriated and calmed Gokudera, even if he’d never admit it) and slipped an arm around his shoulders, saying hey, don’t look so down, Tsuna wouldn’t want that. Gokudera didn’t say anything; instead, he let himself relax against Yamamoto just a little bit, because even he needed a bit of support sometimes, support that wasn’t in the form of unwanted sexual endeavors.
He’d deny it the next day.
7.
When he was twenty-six, he fell.
It wasn’t anything like falling for the 10th had been, slow and comfortable and warm and everything he, at fourteen, had thought love should be. Instead, it was fast and harsh and painful and it made Gokudera want to hide. It made his stomach curl and his face flush and he wanted to do things he never wouldn’t dreamed of doing to the 10th. It made him want to scream and cry and laugh all at the same time and it was confusing but simple and terrifying but terrifyingly welcome too.
And the more he resisted the more he fell. The more he resisted, the more he blushed when the smile was directed at him, the more his stomach decided to be a gymnast when a friendly arm was dropped on his shoulder, the more he looked forward to the times when they were assigned on a mission together since their fighting styles complemented each other oh-so-perfectly (as Reborn said often, much to Gokudera’s chagrin). And maybe, he thought, maybe falling isn’t so bad.
8.
When he was twenty-six, for the first time, Gokudera found out was it was like to make love.
And really, he thought afterward, curled up against the one he loved (even if he’d deny he cuddled if anyone asked, ever), surrounded by the same smell he remembered from all those years ago. Really, putting trust in the one you loved was so much nicer than having to think about what was going on.
Or: Eight Reasons Why Gokudera Can’t Top
Goku --> Tsuna, Yama --> Goku, Tsuna/ONE OF THE GIRLS, Yamamoto/Gokudera, vague-barely-there-might-be-your-imagination Ryohei/Hibari.
1.
When he was fourteen and he met the next Vongola boss, Gokudera decided he was in love.
He also decided that he would woo the 10th and bed him as soon as possible; he knew kids back home who were no longer virgins and Gokudera was quite sure he was ready to join the land of adults. Of course, being, well, a virgin meant that he had absolutely no idea how to go about wooing and fornicating with the 10th; he knew the mechanics, sure, but he had never really tried to understand how it worked with, well, two boys. So, as all teens are wont to do, Gokudera relied on the Internet to teach him.
His lesson on the wonders of gay sex was a bit more graphic than he felt he needed but he came away from the experience much more knowledgeable. He decided he would much prefer the 10th to take him; the 10th was the leader, the boss, so really, it would only be the proper order of things.
2.
When he was sixteen, he had sex for the first time with a girl he went to school with.
It was messy and kind of gross and Gokudera was quite sure he didn’t like it very much. She had cried afterward when he had said he no, didn’t want to go out with her, no, he didn’t enjoy it very much, yes, he would like to leave as soon as possible. He decided girls were too much of a hassle and too squishy and it was too much work on his part. She expected him to make her feel good, which was, he thought, quite stupid since he had no idea what made girls feel good.
Gokudera decided that he didn’t ever want to do this with a girl again, and that when he finally seduced the 10th, he would be quite content on playing the girl’s part. He would make sure that the 10th wouldn’t have to do all the work but he wouldn’t have to think as much. Yeah, that sounded good.
3.
When he was eighteen, he had sex for the first time with a guy he met at a party.
It was less messy and less gross, but Gokudera was quite sure it wasn’t as good as it could have been. For one thing, the guy had refused to take him, so he had to take control. And while he didn’t have to do as much work as with a girl, well, he still had to think and really, how could anyone expect him to keep a clear mind while doing this stuff? He knew it was possible, sure, but he decided that that wasn’t something he could do. He much preferred the idea of someone taking charge.
So Gokudera decided that when he finally got the 10th to do him, he would definitely be taken. He was sure the 10th would appreciate it, too, because the 10th liked girls (although Gokudera was sure he could get the 10th to like him as well) and it was an easier transition. And Gokudera wouldn’t have to think.
4.
When he was twenty, Gokudera let some guy he barely knew take him in a bathroom.
He decided he definitely preferred it to taking the lead, but the actual deed had left him feeling dirty and a little more than ashamed. After it was done he had rushed away (turning down all the guy’s questions about a second time; tch, there would never be a second time) and taken refuge at a park to tend to his bruised ego. It had been sunset, but nothing pretty- the clouds were covering the sky and it was already dark. Somehow, Yamamoto had found him (the last guy he wanted to see, besides the 10th) and dragged him back to the base.
Yamamoto had made him a snack and didn’t ask any questions, even when Gokudera had cursed at him and told him to get the fuck away. He had smiled (Gokudera hated how he always smiled), given him a plate of sushi (Gokudera had to admit it looked delicious) and ruffled at his hair (Gokudera had swatted at his hand and called him an idiot) before leaving him to think on his own.
5.
When he was twenty-two, the 10th told everyone that he and she were- finally- going out.
He had smiled and laughed and smacked the 10th on the back (the back that was broad now, fitting of the 10th, and more masculine than it had been as a kid, but then they were older, the 10th was taller- taller than Gokudera- and no one could deny he was the spitting image of Iemitsu). Gokudera left partway through the celebration (somewhere between Ryohei doing an extreme back flip because he was so happy for the 10th and Hibari threatening to bite him to death if he broke anything; whether he meant furniture or a bone Gokudera didn’t know), heading to a nearby bar where he proceeded to get quite drunk. He had known, really, that this day would come, but it still hurt.
He had ended up all but violated in the alley behind the bar (he didn’t want it no no no even if he couldn’t help getting turned on this wasn’t what he wanted, he tried to say but the alcohol dulled his senses) before someone had found him, someone who he was sure smelled faintly of a rainstorm and cooking spices, and dragged him back to the base. When Gokudera woke up the next morning, he wasn’t sure if the kiss he had felt being pressed into his hair the night before had been real or a dream.
6.
When he was twenty-four, the 10th and she got married just like he had always known they would.
He had played the part of the best man perfectly, giving a speech and playing a piece on the piano and laughing and drinking and being an all around idiot, just as he was expected to do. The ceremony had been beautiful and the reception was crazy, as was everything else when they all got together. Sometime past ten he had left the party, slipped out to take a walk around the grounds of the estate, smiling to himself when he heard Ryohei shout something, Hibari threaten him, and Mukuro (who was technically an illusion, he kept having to remind himself of that) laugh the chilling laugh that made everyone kind of uncomfortable.
He had long given up on the 10th, but this was so final, and it still hurt. He didn’t say anything when Yamamoto caught up with him, smiled the same smile he had as a kid (the smile that simultaneously infuriated and calmed Gokudera, even if he’d never admit it) and slipped an arm around his shoulders, saying hey, don’t look so down, Tsuna wouldn’t want that. Gokudera didn’t say anything; instead, he let himself relax against Yamamoto just a little bit, because even he needed a bit of support sometimes, support that wasn’t in the form of unwanted sexual endeavors.
He’d deny it the next day.
7.
When he was twenty-six, he fell.
It wasn’t anything like falling for the 10th had been, slow and comfortable and warm and everything he, at fourteen, had thought love should be. Instead, it was fast and harsh and painful and it made Gokudera want to hide. It made his stomach curl and his face flush and he wanted to do things he never wouldn’t dreamed of doing to the 10th. It made him want to scream and cry and laugh all at the same time and it was confusing but simple and terrifying but terrifyingly welcome too.
And the more he resisted the more he fell. The more he resisted, the more he blushed when the smile was directed at him, the more his stomach decided to be a gymnast when a friendly arm was dropped on his shoulder, the more he looked forward to the times when they were assigned on a mission together since their fighting styles complemented each other oh-so-perfectly (as Reborn said often, much to Gokudera’s chagrin). And maybe, he thought, maybe falling isn’t so bad.
8.
When he was twenty-six, for the first time, Gokudera found out was it was like to make love.
And really, he thought afterward, curled up against the one he loved (even if he’d deny he cuddled if anyone asked, ever), surrounded by the same smell he remembered from all those years ago. Really, putting trust in the one you loved was so much nicer than having to think about what was going on.