More Than a Thing
Title: More Than a Thing
Length/Word Count: 4390
Pairing/Characters: Kensi/Deeks
Rating: R for sexual content
Disclaimer: Not my sandbox ... I'm just playing in it. I'll clean up when I'm done.
Summary: What starts out as just a thing becomes so much more. Spoilers through 3x10 "The Debt"
Note: klingonlady made me write it.
One case. That was all it took. Once case where they were forced to work apart, not being partners. That was all it took to show they how good they were together, and how much they meant to each other.
That had led them here.
And Deeks still wasn’t sure how. One minute they were joking around and watching a movie, the next thing he knew she was kissing him and pulling him down the hall to her bedroom. Figuring out how that had happened was the furthest thing from his mind. Right now, the only thing on his mind was the feel of Kensi’s lips on his neck, and the feel of her smooth hands on his back.
It wasn’t until her fingers reached for his belt buckle that his brain kicked in. He pulled her fingers away and untangled their bodies from each other.
“We can’t do this Kens,” he said, meeting her eyes.
She shook her head. “Just tonight. For one night, can’t we just pretend?”
“Pretend what?” he asked, taking a deep breath.
“That there’s something here. That we mean something to each other. Can’t we pretend that we’re Marty and Fern and this is just ….” she chewed on her lip, searching for the right word. “This is just a thing.”
“You want me to play a role?” his heart sank a little at the thought. He didn’t want a one night stand or something that wasn’t real. He wanted all of her. He wanted what he couldn’t have.
“If you say no, I’m sending you home, and I’m going to the bar. And the first guy that shows interest,” she didn’t finish her threat, she didn’t need to.
Deeks nodded. Like he was going to let her go through with that option. There was no way he was going to let someone else lay their hands on the one woman he wanted more than he’d ever wanted anyone before. Watching her work with Callen had almost destroyed him, he couldn’t imagine what it would be like to know she slept with someone else because he turned her down.
She smiled knowingly at him and leaned in to kiss him deeply. Closing his eyes he returned the kiss and pulled her against him. In the morning when they went back to being Kensi and Deeks he was sure things were going to be awkward, but for now he was going to be the Marty that Fern wanted and needed.
His hands slid back to her waist as her tongue flicked across his lips. As his hands slid across her back to the hooks of her bra, he felt a small victory when she moaned softly into this mouth. Her own fingers were busy with the buttons on his shirt, and soon her hands were pressed against his chest.
He broke the kiss to help her to pull her shirt over her head and drop her bra to the floor. His hands reached immediately to her bare breasts and he watched in wonder as they reacted to his touch, her nipples hardening as his fingers circled them.
Her fingers made quick work of the button on his pants and he raised his hips up so she could slide them off. He pulled her back down to the bed and kissed her, relishing the feel of her bare chest against his. Wrapping his arms around her, he shifted until he was lying on top of her. Throwing his shirt to the floor he began to kiss a trail down her body. His hands rested on her hips as his mouth and tongue explored the topography of her body. Her stomach shook slightly as he tugged lightly at the piercing in her bellybutton. Pausing, he met her eyes for a moment, when she nodded and raised her hips he slid his hands beneath her sweatpants, pulling them off of her. He sat back and stared, noting her small red thong that was the only piece of clothing that remained. She was even more beautiful in person than she had been in his dreams. He watched in silence as she slipped her fingers under the thin material and tugged them off.
Sliding back up the bed, his lips met hers again, as her hands pulled at his boxers. He grinned against her lips and helped her slip them off. He watched silently as she opened the drawer to her nightstand and pulled out a box of condoms. He started to take it from her when she stopped him.
It had been his intention to take it slow, to build up to what would be the best and only night that he would have with her. As he felt her fingers wrap around him, he knew that slow wasn’t going to be possible. He rolled onto his back and watched as she unwrapped the package. She winked at him before resting the condom against her mouth and leaning toward him. When her lips touched him, he gasp and fisted the sheet. He stared as she slowly unrolled the condom with her mouth, carefully working it down.
When she finished getting it on, she looked up at him with a grin. He opened his mouth, but found he had nothing to say. Instead he pulled her close and kissed her. He let her take the lead as her fingers wrapped around him and guided him into her. He felt her shift as she adjusted, and he tried hard to not buck his hips until she was ready. He started slowly, finding a rhythm that worked for both of them. She came first, her scream muffled by his tongue against hers, and he quickly followed.
They both lay motionless for a few moments as they caught their breath. She rolled away first, and leaned over the edge of the bed, holding up the trash can. He nodded and slipped the condom off, tossing in inside. No matter how messy Kensi was, some things did not belong on the floor.
He started to slip from the bed when she rolled back towards him, her dark eyes begging his silently not to leave. He smiled and pulled her against him, tucking her head under his chin. She cuddled against him, and closed her eyes. He wasn’t surprised when she was asleep in minutes.
He laid in the silence thinking about what had happened. Part of his regretted it, but the other part of him was sure that it was the most brilliant thing that had ever happened. All of him hoped that the opportunity would arise for it to happen again.
He slept lightly and slipped out at first light. Looking back at Kensi, he paused for a moment to watch her sleep. As the sunlight played across her face he smiled. She looked so peaceful when she was asleep, her face smooth and free of concern. She looked softer and gentler than she did when she was awake. He fought the urge to return to the bed and wrap his arms around her.
With a sigh he headed to the door. He was sure that she would rather wake up to an empty bed than to the face of her partner. She had made it pretty clear the night before that it was only about the release and not the person. He had played his part, and now he would be Deeks, her partner and nothing more.
He headed to the beach to surf and clear his head. Paddling out into the water, he stopped and allowed his board to just drift. Given the chance, he would repeat the previous night over and over. If she would let him, he would be Marty ever night for the rest of his life if it meant falling asleep and waking up beside her.
***
She’d missed him while she was in Hawaii. While she knew she wouldn’t admit it to him, she could at least admit it to herself. She’d missed him. She’d missed falling asleep in his arms, and feeling safe cuddled against him. He always slipped out before she woke up, and she hadn’t figured out how to ask him to stay. In the beginning she had made it clear that it was just a way to pass the time, just a thing that didn’t mean anything. She refused to admit that they had a thing when he asked, but to herself, she admitted that she had found something she couldn’t handle losing. Maybe it would never be anything more than what it was, two people, each needing someone and finding each other. But it was more than she had planned to give, and more than she had ever imagined getting in return.
Burger and a beer, and only because she was the only one on the team that hadn’t walked out on him. She wouldn’t admit that his attitude didn’t sting; she had been hoping for a better homecoming then that. Maybe something romantic, maybe the two of them with a bottle wine and food that wasn’t picked up from a drive thru window. It was apparent he didn’t miss her the way she had missed him. She was only a way to pass the time until something better came along. She could accept that. As long as she knew where she stood, she could accept anything that he gave her.
After they ate, she didn’t say a word as she turned off the TV and headed toward her bedroom. It would be up to him if he decided to follow her. It was after midnight and he was free to return to his apartment if he wanted to.
She had just slipped into a soft t-shirt when she heard her door open. Turning she looked at Deeks who was poking his head into the room.
“Should I go?” he asked softly. “Or does Fern want me to stay?”
She cringed at the name. If she could go back to the first night she wouldn’t have used that name. She had taken something Deeks once used as a term of endearment and ruined it. Now all she could think when he said it was the feel of his body against hers, and the one sided feelings that she had for him.
She turned to him and shrugged. “It’s up to you Marty.”
Turning back to the bed she slipped between the sheets and stared out the window. She heard Deeks cross the floor and silently slip in behind her. She expected him to slip his hand under her shirt and cup her breast, or trail wet kisses across her neck. Instead he surprised her by cuddling against her, his hand resting on her waist, just holding her close.
She turned toward him and buried her head against his chest, breathing him in. When he didn’t make a move to push her, she looked up at him silently, trying to figure out what he was thinking.
He smiled sadly at her and kissed her forehead. “Can we not do that tonight Kens? Can we just do this?”
She nodded and buried her head against him. She didn’t know what to make of his words. If he didn’t want her, why was he there. He could have just slipped out when she went to bed. Not that she would complain about him staying. She loved the feeling of being wrapped in his arms. She wished it was because he wanted to be with her, but she feared that would never be true.
***
He knew she didn’t really have plans every night for the rest of her life. She was just upset. He also knew if he didn’t do the right thing, he could lose her forever. He stood outside her door, the spare key she had given him before Hawaii in his hand. He could hear soft music playing on her CD player. The sad country song wasn’t the sort of thing Kensi listened to unless she was really unhappy. I wanted you more, I guess I wanted you more. Ohhh, I don't need you, I don't need you anymore. Resting his head against the door he took a deep breath. This wasn’t how it was suppose to go, and he was not going to give up this easily. Putting his key in the lock, he opened the door and slipped inside.
She didn’t even look up from the couch, as he closed the door behind him. Crossing the room he turned off the player before sitting down beside her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap.
“I need you Kens,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. Please tell me I didn’t ruin us.”
He expected her to pull away and yell at him. He expected the angry energy that he had seen in the car earlier. Instead she shifted and buried her face against his chest.
“Kens? Baby girl?” he asked softly, running his hand down her back. “What’s wrong?”
She shook her head, burying her face closer to him. He stayed silent, biting back the need to push her for an answer. Instead he kept running his hand over her back, and waited.
She finally pulled away and looked up at him. “You left me. Just like that, you walked away.”
“I knew I was coming back,” he said softly. “If I were really leaving, it wouldn’t have ended like that.”
“You walked away, and I couldn’t stop you. And all I could think was what if I never saw you again. And you didn’t let me say what I needed to say.”
He nodded. “I didn’t want you to say it just because I was leaving. I didn’t want you to say something you weren’t ready to stay just because you thought you were losing me.”
“It was what it was,” she said softly.
“It is what it is,” he answered, brushing her hair from her face. “And it will be what it will be.”
“What will it be?” she asked, looking into his eyes.
“Promise me we’re ok Kens,” he said. “Promise me that I didn’t ruin us. Promise me that I didn’t ruin us by agreeing to the stupid roll play game. Promise me that I didn’t ruin up by taking this stupid case. Just tell me there’s still a chance.”
She shook her head. “You didn’t ruin us.”
“I’ll make it up to you,” he whispered. “Whatever you want, anything at all.”
She looked up at him, her eyes a mixture of sadness and desire. “I want you.”
He leaned toward her, capturing her lips with his own. She melted against him as his fingers found the hem of her shirt. She moaned softly against his lips as his fingers touched her bare back. He closed his eyes, taking in the feel and taste that was Kensi. He had been scared earlier that he had lost her forever, but her lips on his reminded him that it wasn’t over, and he hadn’t screwed everything up.
She pulled away from him, and smiled softly before standing up. He stood and let her lead him down the hall to the bedroom.
Stepping into her bedroom, she smiled shyly up at him. “This is us.”
He grinned back. “Us. Kensi and Deeks. No one else.”
In the past, it has always been about the release. She hadn’t let him linger, and he had accepted that he wouldn’t get the chance to explore her body the way he wanted.
This was different. This time it was real. He kissed her gently, slowly, as his fingers explored her body. Their clothes were peeled off and abandon on the floor, each piece that came off exposing more skin to touch and kiss. She giggles against his lips as his fingers ran across her stomach.
He pulled away and grinned at her. “You’re ticklish.”
She shook her head and tried to stop him as he began to tickle her. Laughing he ran his fingers across her body, discovering all the placed that make her squeal. He touched the sole of her foot and she flinched, her legs hitting him. Before he could catch himself, he felt himself slid off the edge of the bed and hit the floor. He landed on his back with a soft grunt.
He looked up at Kensi as she leaned over the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry,” she said weakly, chewing on her lower lip. Her cheeks were flushed from laughter and he couldn’t help but grin.
Reaching up, he grabbed the hand that she offered him and pulled her to the floor on top of him. Wrapping his arms around her, he kissed her and gently poked her sides until she laughed.
“Are you ok?” she asked, gasping for breath.
He nodded. “I’m fine. As long as you’re here, I’m fine.”
She leaned down and kissed him gently. He sighed happily and returned the kiss. Knowing that they had the whole night, he took it slow, memorizing her body. When he was playing the part of Marty he had been quick to bring her the release that she seemed to want, but now that he could be himself he found himself going slower, telling stories, and making her laugh. For the first time it wasn’t about the end but rather the journey.
It was hours later when they lay in bed, half asleep, her hair tickling his chest that he finally whispered the words he’d wanted to say all night.
“Love you Kens,” he whispered, running his fingers through her hair.
She moaned softly as she forced her eyes open. Blinking a few times, she finally focused her eyes on his. “I was hoping you did.”
He laughed. “That’s not what you’re supposed to say after such a declaration.”
“I fell for you a long time ago Deeks. You know that. You don’t need me to say it,” she whispered.
“It was never a game to me Kens. The whole Fern and Marty thing ...” he trailed off, unsure of what else to say.
She nodded against his chest. “I wanted it to be. I didn’t want it to be more. I was scared I would ruin it if I let it be more. But it was always more. It was never enough.”
“Is this enough?” he asked, wrapping his arms around her.
“It’s everything,” she whispered.
He watched her silently as she fell asleep, his heart finally content.
***
Kensi stretched as the dawn streamed in the window. Rolling over, she smiled at the backside of the scruffy blond head sleeping beside her. In the light of day she still had trouble believing the previous evening had happened. Just when she was certain she didn’t matter, he showed up and proved her wrong. She ran her hand through his hair, relishing the feeling of it; as much as she teased him about it, she wouldn’t want him to look any other way. She slid closer to him, running her fingers across his shoulders until he rolled towards her. Without opening his eyes he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. She smiled and placed a soft kiss on his neck.
“Morning Marty,” she whispered.
“Mmm… not yet,” he muttered. “I’m having a nice dream.”
She smiled against his skin. “What are you dreaming about?”
“That there’s this hot girl in my bed, and she did unspeakably hot thing to me last night,” he whispered into her ear.
“Maybe if you wake up she’ll do unspeakable things to you this morning,” she said lightly, trying to keep her heart beat steady even though the panic of rejection was rising up in her.
He had always slipped out before dawn after they spent the night together. Sometimes he made excuses, claiming that he wanted to get some surfing in before work, or saying he was going running, the end result was always the same. A cold bed. When she had rolled over and he was still there she could hardly believe it. The fact that he didn’t seem to be anxious to leave was even more surprising.
He tightened his hold on her. “In a little while. We don’t have to be in until this afternoon to do paperwork, I just want to stay like this.”
“You’re staying?” she asked softly.
“Mmmm … unless you want me to leave,” he said, waking up a little more. “Do you want me to leave?”
She felt him shift away from her and she reached her hand out, grabbing his hair. He winced as her fingers tugged him back to her, and she let go, smoothing his hair. “I don’t ever want you to leave.”
“Really?” he asked, wonder in his voice. “I know we said things last night, but if you have any regrets...”
She drew herself closer to him, breathing him in, enjoying the feel of his skin on hers. “No regrets. Not one. I want you here.”
“Ok.” He said as he settled back into the bed.
She shifted and looked at him. “I mean it Marty. This, this thing that we have. I’m in. For whatever it is, for however long it lasts, I’m in.”
He opened his eyes and smiled at her. “Really?”
She nodded. “When I thought you were leaving, when I thought I lost you, there was so much I wanted to say, so much I thought you needed to hear me say. I need you Marty. I never thought that I would ever say that, but I do. Please don’t leave.”
She buried her head against his chest, unsure what else she should say. She knew what she wanted to say. She had known since he packed his box and pretended to leave, but she knew she couldn’t be the first one to say it. She felt him gently stroking her back and she relaxed into his touch.
“I won’t leave,” he whispered gently. “If you really want this, I won’t leave.”
She didn’t answer; instead she curled closer against him, her body language telling him what she couldn’t say. She closed her eyes, the weight of him, and the silence of the room lulling her lulling her to sleep. She didn’t open her eyes when he started to speak.
“Pretending to walk away from you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I don’t think of you as a female partner. You are so much more than that to me. You’re my one and only,” he paused and she opened her eyes to look at him. “I don’t work with female partners because it’s too easy to fall into bed with them. It’s too easy to make it a one night stand and ruin the partnership.”
“You fell in bed with me,” she whispered, running her fingers through his hair.
“I didn’t just fall in Kens. I knew what I was doing when I did it. I knew that I wanted as much of you as you would give me. If that was all I got, I would take it. But I was always hoping we could be so much more,” his fingers tipped her chin toward him and he softly kissed her lips. “I never believed you’d want me, so when you offered, what you offered, I figured it was the best deal I’d get.”
“I didn’t mean to fall for you,” she said softly.
“I know,” he said with a sad smile. “I didn’t expect you’d ever feel half of what I feel for you.”
“I love you,” the words fell from her lips easier than she thought they would. When he had said those words to her the night before, she knew he wanted to hear them in return, but she hadn’t been able to do it. Now they just seemed to flow.
“Love you too, Fern,” he answered. “Always have. Ever since the day I first saw you in the gym. I don’t know if I really knew that you were lying that day, or if it was just me wishing and hoping you weren’t who you said you were.”
She wiggled closer at his words, her body melting against his as though they were made for each other. She felt like she has spent far too long without him, and now that she had him, she couldn’t get close enough. After all the fighting, and teasing, she was finally the only place that she ever felt like she had fit. Breathing in deeply she tried to keep the tears that suddenly threatened her eyes at bay. A single tear fell from her eye and landed against his chest.
“Shh,” he said softly. “It’s ok. We’re finally here. That’s all that matters.”
She nodded against him as another tear escaped. Taking a deep breath, she pulled away slightly. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“Yesterday was a rotten day, I know you have abandonment issues, and I used that to sell my cover. But I promise, I will not be like Jack. I will never, never, never just walk away from you.” He kissed her softly. “You know that right?”
She nodded against his chest. “I know that. And I trust you, but yesterday was just so hard.”
“I know. But it brought us here. No more games, no more pretending. Just you and me,” he tucked his finger under her chin and forced her to meet his eyes. “I’m not leaving.”
“I wouldn’t let you even if you tried,” she said softly.
“I wouldn’t want to. I couldn’t imagine wanting to leave,” he paused, considering his next words. “I never thought that I deserved to fall in love, that’s one of the reasons I chose undercover work. It let me play a part and walk away. I never thought that I would find or deserve real. Coming to NCIS, meeting you, changed all that.”
“This is real,” Kensi said confidently. There were some things in her life that she would never be sure of, but Deeks’s feeling for her wasn’t one of them.
He nodded. “This is very real.”
Kensi grinned as his lips found hers. There would be more time to talk later. For now, she wanted nothing more than to show him how much he meant to her.
Length/Word Count: 4390
Pairing/Characters: Kensi/Deeks
Rating: R for sexual content
Disclaimer: Not my sandbox ... I'm just playing in it. I'll clean up when I'm done.
Summary: What starts out as just a thing becomes so much more. Spoilers through 3x10 "The Debt"
Note: klingonlady made me write it.
One case. That was all it took. Once case where they were forced to work apart, not being partners. That was all it took to show they how good they were together, and how much they meant to each other.
That had led them here.
And Deeks still wasn’t sure how. One minute they were joking around and watching a movie, the next thing he knew she was kissing him and pulling him down the hall to her bedroom. Figuring out how that had happened was the furthest thing from his mind. Right now, the only thing on his mind was the feel of Kensi’s lips on his neck, and the feel of her smooth hands on his back.
It wasn’t until her fingers reached for his belt buckle that his brain kicked in. He pulled her fingers away and untangled their bodies from each other.
“We can’t do this Kens,” he said, meeting her eyes.
She shook her head. “Just tonight. For one night, can’t we just pretend?”
“Pretend what?” he asked, taking a deep breath.
“That there’s something here. That we mean something to each other. Can’t we pretend that we’re Marty and Fern and this is just ….” she chewed on her lip, searching for the right word. “This is just a thing.”
“You want me to play a role?” his heart sank a little at the thought. He didn’t want a one night stand or something that wasn’t real. He wanted all of her. He wanted what he couldn’t have.
“If you say no, I’m sending you home, and I’m going to the bar. And the first guy that shows interest,” she didn’t finish her threat, she didn’t need to.
Deeks nodded. Like he was going to let her go through with that option. There was no way he was going to let someone else lay their hands on the one woman he wanted more than he’d ever wanted anyone before. Watching her work with Callen had almost destroyed him, he couldn’t imagine what it would be like to know she slept with someone else because he turned her down.
She smiled knowingly at him and leaned in to kiss him deeply. Closing his eyes he returned the kiss and pulled her against him. In the morning when they went back to being Kensi and Deeks he was sure things were going to be awkward, but for now he was going to be the Marty that Fern wanted and needed.
His hands slid back to her waist as her tongue flicked across his lips. As his hands slid across her back to the hooks of her bra, he felt a small victory when she moaned softly into this mouth. Her own fingers were busy with the buttons on his shirt, and soon her hands were pressed against his chest.
He broke the kiss to help her to pull her shirt over her head and drop her bra to the floor. His hands reached immediately to her bare breasts and he watched in wonder as they reacted to his touch, her nipples hardening as his fingers circled them.
Her fingers made quick work of the button on his pants and he raised his hips up so she could slide them off. He pulled her back down to the bed and kissed her, relishing the feel of her bare chest against his. Wrapping his arms around her, he shifted until he was lying on top of her. Throwing his shirt to the floor he began to kiss a trail down her body. His hands rested on her hips as his mouth and tongue explored the topography of her body. Her stomach shook slightly as he tugged lightly at the piercing in her bellybutton. Pausing, he met her eyes for a moment, when she nodded and raised her hips he slid his hands beneath her sweatpants, pulling them off of her. He sat back and stared, noting her small red thong that was the only piece of clothing that remained. She was even more beautiful in person than she had been in his dreams. He watched in silence as she slipped her fingers under the thin material and tugged them off.
Sliding back up the bed, his lips met hers again, as her hands pulled at his boxers. He grinned against her lips and helped her slip them off. He watched silently as she opened the drawer to her nightstand and pulled out a box of condoms. He started to take it from her when she stopped him.
It had been his intention to take it slow, to build up to what would be the best and only night that he would have with her. As he felt her fingers wrap around him, he knew that slow wasn’t going to be possible. He rolled onto his back and watched as she unwrapped the package. She winked at him before resting the condom against her mouth and leaning toward him. When her lips touched him, he gasp and fisted the sheet. He stared as she slowly unrolled the condom with her mouth, carefully working it down.
When she finished getting it on, she looked up at him with a grin. He opened his mouth, but found he had nothing to say. Instead he pulled her close and kissed her. He let her take the lead as her fingers wrapped around him and guided him into her. He felt her shift as she adjusted, and he tried hard to not buck his hips until she was ready. He started slowly, finding a rhythm that worked for both of them. She came first, her scream muffled by his tongue against hers, and he quickly followed.
They both lay motionless for a few moments as they caught their breath. She rolled away first, and leaned over the edge of the bed, holding up the trash can. He nodded and slipped the condom off, tossing in inside. No matter how messy Kensi was, some things did not belong on the floor.
He started to slip from the bed when she rolled back towards him, her dark eyes begging his silently not to leave. He smiled and pulled her against him, tucking her head under his chin. She cuddled against him, and closed her eyes. He wasn’t surprised when she was asleep in minutes.
He laid in the silence thinking about what had happened. Part of his regretted it, but the other part of him was sure that it was the most brilliant thing that had ever happened. All of him hoped that the opportunity would arise for it to happen again.
He slept lightly and slipped out at first light. Looking back at Kensi, he paused for a moment to watch her sleep. As the sunlight played across her face he smiled. She looked so peaceful when she was asleep, her face smooth and free of concern. She looked softer and gentler than she did when she was awake. He fought the urge to return to the bed and wrap his arms around her.
With a sigh he headed to the door. He was sure that she would rather wake up to an empty bed than to the face of her partner. She had made it pretty clear the night before that it was only about the release and not the person. He had played his part, and now he would be Deeks, her partner and nothing more.
He headed to the beach to surf and clear his head. Paddling out into the water, he stopped and allowed his board to just drift. Given the chance, he would repeat the previous night over and over. If she would let him, he would be Marty ever night for the rest of his life if it meant falling asleep and waking up beside her.
***
She’d missed him while she was in Hawaii. While she knew she wouldn’t admit it to him, she could at least admit it to herself. She’d missed him. She’d missed falling asleep in his arms, and feeling safe cuddled against him. He always slipped out before she woke up, and she hadn’t figured out how to ask him to stay. In the beginning she had made it clear that it was just a way to pass the time, just a thing that didn’t mean anything. She refused to admit that they had a thing when he asked, but to herself, she admitted that she had found something she couldn’t handle losing. Maybe it would never be anything more than what it was, two people, each needing someone and finding each other. But it was more than she had planned to give, and more than she had ever imagined getting in return.
Burger and a beer, and only because she was the only one on the team that hadn’t walked out on him. She wouldn’t admit that his attitude didn’t sting; she had been hoping for a better homecoming then that. Maybe something romantic, maybe the two of them with a bottle wine and food that wasn’t picked up from a drive thru window. It was apparent he didn’t miss her the way she had missed him. She was only a way to pass the time until something better came along. She could accept that. As long as she knew where she stood, she could accept anything that he gave her.
After they ate, she didn’t say a word as she turned off the TV and headed toward her bedroom. It would be up to him if he decided to follow her. It was after midnight and he was free to return to his apartment if he wanted to.
She had just slipped into a soft t-shirt when she heard her door open. Turning she looked at Deeks who was poking his head into the room.
“Should I go?” he asked softly. “Or does Fern want me to stay?”
She cringed at the name. If she could go back to the first night she wouldn’t have used that name. She had taken something Deeks once used as a term of endearment and ruined it. Now all she could think when he said it was the feel of his body against hers, and the one sided feelings that she had for him.
She turned to him and shrugged. “It’s up to you Marty.”
Turning back to the bed she slipped between the sheets and stared out the window. She heard Deeks cross the floor and silently slip in behind her. She expected him to slip his hand under her shirt and cup her breast, or trail wet kisses across her neck. Instead he surprised her by cuddling against her, his hand resting on her waist, just holding her close.
She turned toward him and buried her head against his chest, breathing him in. When he didn’t make a move to push her, she looked up at him silently, trying to figure out what he was thinking.
He smiled sadly at her and kissed her forehead. “Can we not do that tonight Kens? Can we just do this?”
She nodded and buried her head against him. She didn’t know what to make of his words. If he didn’t want her, why was he there. He could have just slipped out when she went to bed. Not that she would complain about him staying. She loved the feeling of being wrapped in his arms. She wished it was because he wanted to be with her, but she feared that would never be true.
***
He knew she didn’t really have plans every night for the rest of her life. She was just upset. He also knew if he didn’t do the right thing, he could lose her forever. He stood outside her door, the spare key she had given him before Hawaii in his hand. He could hear soft music playing on her CD player. The sad country song wasn’t the sort of thing Kensi listened to unless she was really unhappy. I wanted you more, I guess I wanted you more. Ohhh, I don't need you, I don't need you anymore. Resting his head against the door he took a deep breath. This wasn’t how it was suppose to go, and he was not going to give up this easily. Putting his key in the lock, he opened the door and slipped inside.
She didn’t even look up from the couch, as he closed the door behind him. Crossing the room he turned off the player before sitting down beside her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap.
“I need you Kens,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. Please tell me I didn’t ruin us.”
He expected her to pull away and yell at him. He expected the angry energy that he had seen in the car earlier. Instead she shifted and buried her face against his chest.
“Kens? Baby girl?” he asked softly, running his hand down her back. “What’s wrong?”
She shook her head, burying her face closer to him. He stayed silent, biting back the need to push her for an answer. Instead he kept running his hand over her back, and waited.
She finally pulled away and looked up at him. “You left me. Just like that, you walked away.”
“I knew I was coming back,” he said softly. “If I were really leaving, it wouldn’t have ended like that.”
“You walked away, and I couldn’t stop you. And all I could think was what if I never saw you again. And you didn’t let me say what I needed to say.”
He nodded. “I didn’t want you to say it just because I was leaving. I didn’t want you to say something you weren’t ready to stay just because you thought you were losing me.”
“It was what it was,” she said softly.
“It is what it is,” he answered, brushing her hair from her face. “And it will be what it will be.”
“What will it be?” she asked, looking into his eyes.
“Promise me we’re ok Kens,” he said. “Promise me that I didn’t ruin us. Promise me that I didn’t ruin us by agreeing to the stupid roll play game. Promise me that I didn’t ruin up by taking this stupid case. Just tell me there’s still a chance.”
She shook her head. “You didn’t ruin us.”
“I’ll make it up to you,” he whispered. “Whatever you want, anything at all.”
She looked up at him, her eyes a mixture of sadness and desire. “I want you.”
He leaned toward her, capturing her lips with his own. She melted against him as his fingers found the hem of her shirt. She moaned softly against his lips as his fingers touched her bare back. He closed his eyes, taking in the feel and taste that was Kensi. He had been scared earlier that he had lost her forever, but her lips on his reminded him that it wasn’t over, and he hadn’t screwed everything up.
She pulled away from him, and smiled softly before standing up. He stood and let her lead him down the hall to the bedroom.
Stepping into her bedroom, she smiled shyly up at him. “This is us.”
He grinned back. “Us. Kensi and Deeks. No one else.”
In the past, it has always been about the release. She hadn’t let him linger, and he had accepted that he wouldn’t get the chance to explore her body the way he wanted.
This was different. This time it was real. He kissed her gently, slowly, as his fingers explored her body. Their clothes were peeled off and abandon on the floor, each piece that came off exposing more skin to touch and kiss. She giggles against his lips as his fingers ran across her stomach.
He pulled away and grinned at her. “You’re ticklish.”
She shook her head and tried to stop him as he began to tickle her. Laughing he ran his fingers across her body, discovering all the placed that make her squeal. He touched the sole of her foot and she flinched, her legs hitting him. Before he could catch himself, he felt himself slid off the edge of the bed and hit the floor. He landed on his back with a soft grunt.
He looked up at Kensi as she leaned over the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry,” she said weakly, chewing on her lower lip. Her cheeks were flushed from laughter and he couldn’t help but grin.
Reaching up, he grabbed the hand that she offered him and pulled her to the floor on top of him. Wrapping his arms around her, he kissed her and gently poked her sides until she laughed.
“Are you ok?” she asked, gasping for breath.
He nodded. “I’m fine. As long as you’re here, I’m fine.”
She leaned down and kissed him gently. He sighed happily and returned the kiss. Knowing that they had the whole night, he took it slow, memorizing her body. When he was playing the part of Marty he had been quick to bring her the release that she seemed to want, but now that he could be himself he found himself going slower, telling stories, and making her laugh. For the first time it wasn’t about the end but rather the journey.
It was hours later when they lay in bed, half asleep, her hair tickling his chest that he finally whispered the words he’d wanted to say all night.
“Love you Kens,” he whispered, running his fingers through her hair.
She moaned softly as she forced her eyes open. Blinking a few times, she finally focused her eyes on his. “I was hoping you did.”
He laughed. “That’s not what you’re supposed to say after such a declaration.”
“I fell for you a long time ago Deeks. You know that. You don’t need me to say it,” she whispered.
“It was never a game to me Kens. The whole Fern and Marty thing ...” he trailed off, unsure of what else to say.
She nodded against his chest. “I wanted it to be. I didn’t want it to be more. I was scared I would ruin it if I let it be more. But it was always more. It was never enough.”
“Is this enough?” he asked, wrapping his arms around her.
“It’s everything,” she whispered.
He watched her silently as she fell asleep, his heart finally content.
***
Kensi stretched as the dawn streamed in the window. Rolling over, she smiled at the backside of the scruffy blond head sleeping beside her. In the light of day she still had trouble believing the previous evening had happened. Just when she was certain she didn’t matter, he showed up and proved her wrong. She ran her hand through his hair, relishing the feeling of it; as much as she teased him about it, she wouldn’t want him to look any other way. She slid closer to him, running her fingers across his shoulders until he rolled towards her. Without opening his eyes he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. She smiled and placed a soft kiss on his neck.
“Morning Marty,” she whispered.
“Mmm… not yet,” he muttered. “I’m having a nice dream.”
She smiled against his skin. “What are you dreaming about?”
“That there’s this hot girl in my bed, and she did unspeakably hot thing to me last night,” he whispered into her ear.
“Maybe if you wake up she’ll do unspeakable things to you this morning,” she said lightly, trying to keep her heart beat steady even though the panic of rejection was rising up in her.
He had always slipped out before dawn after they spent the night together. Sometimes he made excuses, claiming that he wanted to get some surfing in before work, or saying he was going running, the end result was always the same. A cold bed. When she had rolled over and he was still there she could hardly believe it. The fact that he didn’t seem to be anxious to leave was even more surprising.
He tightened his hold on her. “In a little while. We don’t have to be in until this afternoon to do paperwork, I just want to stay like this.”
“You’re staying?” she asked softly.
“Mmmm … unless you want me to leave,” he said, waking up a little more. “Do you want me to leave?”
She felt him shift away from her and she reached her hand out, grabbing his hair. He winced as her fingers tugged him back to her, and she let go, smoothing his hair. “I don’t ever want you to leave.”
“Really?” he asked, wonder in his voice. “I know we said things last night, but if you have any regrets...”
She drew herself closer to him, breathing him in, enjoying the feel of his skin on hers. “No regrets. Not one. I want you here.”
“Ok.” He said as he settled back into the bed.
She shifted and looked at him. “I mean it Marty. This, this thing that we have. I’m in. For whatever it is, for however long it lasts, I’m in.”
He opened his eyes and smiled at her. “Really?”
She nodded. “When I thought you were leaving, when I thought I lost you, there was so much I wanted to say, so much I thought you needed to hear me say. I need you Marty. I never thought that I would ever say that, but I do. Please don’t leave.”
She buried her head against his chest, unsure what else she should say. She knew what she wanted to say. She had known since he packed his box and pretended to leave, but she knew she couldn’t be the first one to say it. She felt him gently stroking her back and she relaxed into his touch.
“I won’t leave,” he whispered gently. “If you really want this, I won’t leave.”
She didn’t answer; instead she curled closer against him, her body language telling him what she couldn’t say. She closed her eyes, the weight of him, and the silence of the room lulling her lulling her to sleep. She didn’t open her eyes when he started to speak.
“Pretending to walk away from you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I don’t think of you as a female partner. You are so much more than that to me. You’re my one and only,” he paused and she opened her eyes to look at him. “I don’t work with female partners because it’s too easy to fall into bed with them. It’s too easy to make it a one night stand and ruin the partnership.”
“You fell in bed with me,” she whispered, running her fingers through his hair.
“I didn’t just fall in Kens. I knew what I was doing when I did it. I knew that I wanted as much of you as you would give me. If that was all I got, I would take it. But I was always hoping we could be so much more,” his fingers tipped her chin toward him and he softly kissed her lips. “I never believed you’d want me, so when you offered, what you offered, I figured it was the best deal I’d get.”
“I didn’t mean to fall for you,” she said softly.
“I know,” he said with a sad smile. “I didn’t expect you’d ever feel half of what I feel for you.”
“I love you,” the words fell from her lips easier than she thought they would. When he had said those words to her the night before, she knew he wanted to hear them in return, but she hadn’t been able to do it. Now they just seemed to flow.
“Love you too, Fern,” he answered. “Always have. Ever since the day I first saw you in the gym. I don’t know if I really knew that you were lying that day, or if it was just me wishing and hoping you weren’t who you said you were.”
She wiggled closer at his words, her body melting against his as though they were made for each other. She felt like she has spent far too long without him, and now that she had him, she couldn’t get close enough. After all the fighting, and teasing, she was finally the only place that she ever felt like she had fit. Breathing in deeply she tried to keep the tears that suddenly threatened her eyes at bay. A single tear fell from her eye and landed against his chest.
“Shh,” he said softly. “It’s ok. We’re finally here. That’s all that matters.”
She nodded against him as another tear escaped. Taking a deep breath, she pulled away slightly. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“Yesterday was a rotten day, I know you have abandonment issues, and I used that to sell my cover. But I promise, I will not be like Jack. I will never, never, never just walk away from you.” He kissed her softly. “You know that right?”
She nodded against his chest. “I know that. And I trust you, but yesterday was just so hard.”
“I know. But it brought us here. No more games, no more pretending. Just you and me,” he tucked his finger under her chin and forced her to meet his eyes. “I’m not leaving.”
“I wouldn’t let you even if you tried,” she said softly.
“I wouldn’t want to. I couldn’t imagine wanting to leave,” he paused, considering his next words. “I never thought that I deserved to fall in love, that’s one of the reasons I chose undercover work. It let me play a part and walk away. I never thought that I would find or deserve real. Coming to NCIS, meeting you, changed all that.”
“This is real,” Kensi said confidently. There were some things in her life that she would never be sure of, but Deeks’s feeling for her wasn’t one of them.
He nodded. “This is very real.”
Kensi grinned as his lips found hers. There would be more time to talk later. For now, she wanted nothing more than to show him how much he meant to her.