Family
Title: Family
Length/Word Count: 2327
Pairing/Characters: Tony/Ziva
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not my sandbox ... I'm just playing in it. I'll clean up when I'm done.
Summary: Tony and Ziva talk about the future
Written for kytivafan for the ncis_verse Case File Exchange, but not finished on time ... so think of it as a late present!
Ziva led Leyla to the sofa where Amira had fallen asleep an hour before. She gently brushed the child’s hair from her face before looking at Leyla with a sad smile.
Leyla lifted the seven year old and settled her against her while looking at Ziva. “You’ll make a good mom one day.”
Ziva nodded silently, watching in wonder as the child continued to sleep, not even away that she had been scooped up by her mom.
“I mean it Ziva. You and Tony. You think that you’ve both been through too much to be good parents, but I think you would be great,” she smiled softly. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t leave Amira with you.”
Ziva nodded and glanced up at Tony who had just walked into the room. “Maybe one day.”
“One day what?” Tony asked crossing the room.
“I was just telling Ziva that you two would make good parents,” Leyla said with a smile.
“Oh,” Tony said with a nod.
Ziva watched as he ran his finger across Amira‘s hand but didn’t say anything more. Leyla met her eyes and she shrugged. Leyla nodded and headed for the door. Closing the door behind her, Ziva turned to Tony expecting an explanation. Instead she found that she was alone in the living room.
“Tony?” she called out.
He poked his head out of the kitchen. “Do you want pizza tonight? Or should I cook something?”
“Pizza’s fine,” she said with a shrug. “Look Tony, what Leyla said, it’s not something I’m thinking about. She brought it up, and I know we never talked about it, and I didn’t plan to until the time was right. I hope you’re not freaked out.”
“Kids are cute,” he said with a shrug. “But I don’t plan to ever have any. Ever.”
Ziva nodded. Opening her mouth, she quickly closed it, realizing that she had nothing to say. She hadn’t necessarily thought about having kids herself, but she had always imagined that it would be a discussion and they would come to a decision together. She tried to shake of the doubts that had begun to plague her that maybe he didn’t plan on something long term between them.
“So, pizza?” he said with a grin.
She nodded again and walked from the room before she got her hands on a paperclip and threaten a discussion from him.
***
The rest of the night had gone downhill quickly, and after the pizza she had ignored the pleading look in Tony’s eyes to watch a movie with dessert and a bottle of wine. Claiming a headache, she headed into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
She lay awake, staring at the ceiling worrying about how quickly everything was falling apart. She was still awake when Tony opened the bedroom door. Quickly shutting her eyes, she rolled over and pretended to be asleep. She felt him sit down on the bed beside her and sigh.
He softly ran his fingers through her hair. “I know you’re awake.”
“Go away,” she whispered.
“We need to talk,” he said softly. “Please.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she said, biting her lip to keep back the tears that were suddenly threatening to fall. “You already made your decision.”
“It wasn’t my decision,” he muttered.
She turned toward him. “What is that suppose to mean? I did not ever say I did not want children. Do not try to staple this on me.”
He shook his head. “I can’t Ziva. It’s not a question of want, it’s that I can’t.”
“What?”
He sighed and shook his head. “The swimmers? They don’t so much swim.”
“You donated in college,” she said blankly. “If they didn’t swim you would not have.”
He nodded. “Then I got the plague. And there were complications, and there were causalities from the complications.”
“Oh,” she said softly, the realization washing over her.
“So at first I figured it was ok, I had donated and maybe I could get them back. And then they expired, and that was it,” Tony shrugged. “And I figured that was fine. I wasn’t ever going to find anyone anyways so it didn’t really matter. At least that’s what I told myself.”
Ziva sat up and wrapped her arms around Tony’s waist. Burying her head against his chest, she allowed him to wrap his arms around her and hug her close.
Pulling away, she met his eyes. “It does not matter to me.”
“I saw the look on your face with Amira. You want one,” he said softly.
She ran her and down his cheek. “I want you.”
“I bet Ray could have given you kids,” he said, bitterness creeping into his voice.
“I did not want Ray. I did not care what he could give me. That is why I told him no that night. That is why I came to you that night.”
She watched Tony’s face and knew he didn’t believe her words. She had surprised him over a year ago when she showed up on his doorstep after breaking up with Ray. It hadn’t been until Ray held an engagement ring out to her that she realized what she really wanted. That night everything had changed between her and Tony, and she knew that he still struggled with believing that he was what she wanted.
“I wish you had just told me that earlier,” she said softly.
“I didn’t know how to,” he said with a sigh. “I thought maybe we’d never talk about it. Or maybe you wouldn’t want any. I could never figure out how to tell you so I just never told you.”
She leaned up and softly kissed his cheek. While it hurt to hear that she would never carry his child, it hurt her more to know that he had felt he needed to hide this from her. While her scars were more evident, she had also given them up easier. There were things inside of him that he never spoke of, and she knew his fear of rejection and failure ran deeper than anything she had survived. While her method of survival had been to fight, his had been to lock it all inside and make a joke. She knew he had seen a therapist for a couple of years after he rescued her from Somalia. She had even come with him to a session to discuss the rescue. But she also knew that some time on a therapist’s couch couldn’t begin to fix what he had locked away.
“I am sorry,” she said gently, running her fingers across his cheek.
He shifted and started to pull away. “I’m just going to go back to my place tonight. You can think things over and call me in the morning if you want.”
She grabbed his hand, trying to stop him. While they technically still had their own places, they hadn’t voluntarily spent a night apart in months. The last time they had it was their one and only spectacular fight as a couple. She knew without a doubt that if she let him walk out the door, he wouldn’t be back. He smiled sadly and slipped from her grasp.
“I want you,” she said loudly, causing him to stop by her bedroom door. “I do not care what you can or cannot give me. I want you.”
He turned and shook his head, his voice heavy with grief. “I want a lot of things Ziva, but just because I want them it doesn’t mean it’s what’s best for you. You deserve so much more than me. You deserve a family.”
“Shut up,” she said as she stood and crossed the room. “Just shut up. Stop wallowing, stop with the pity. Stop being so pigheaded.”
She took his hands in hers and squeezed them. Pulling him back into the room she pushed him onto the bed and slid on top of him. Cuddling against his chest, she laid there silently, listening to the ragged hitch in his breathing. After a few minutes of silence he wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his chin on the top of her head.
“You are my family,” Ziva whispered. “You and the rest of the team. That is all the family I could want or need.”
“I’m sorry I can’t give you Italian ninjas,” Tony said softly.
She shook her head against his chest. “It does not matter. As long as I have you, it does not matter.”
“How can you be sure?” he asked, his hands grasping the tank that she wore, curling his fingers around the fabric. “How do you know you won’t wake up one day and regret that you’re with someone that can’t give you kids? How do you know you won’t …”
He didn’t finish his sentence, but he didn’t need to there were a lot of blanks that she could fill in on her own.
“Because it’s always been you,” she said simply. “We are both broken, but together we are better.”
She considered saying more, throwing out a joke, but she could feel him tightening his hold on her shirt and instead she just placed a soft kiss on his chest. She could feel the desperate way that he held onto her even though she wasn’t going anywhere. Closing her eyes, she laid her head back on his chest. Some mindsets were hard to break, and the belief that he had that everyone leaves, was the one thing she still saw him struggle with. She knew words wouldn’t mean anything to him. The best that she could do right now was silently show him that she wasn’t going anywhere.
She wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, his hands clenching her shirt, her head on his heart listening to it beat. Slowly his hands began to loosen, but they never let go. The silence was almost breaking her heart and the fears that she had earlier had faded as she realized the truth. She knew he was working something out in his head, but she didn’t know how to get him to talk about it.
“Everyone leaves,” he finally said softly. “I’ve always been ready for the day that you do too.”
“I am not leaving Tony,” she said gently as she met his eyes. “Never.”
“I don’t want you to be here because you think you owe me something, or because you feel sorry for me,” he sighed deeply
“That is not why I am here,” she said with a sad smile. “I am here because I am irrevocably in love with you, and nothing will ever change that.”
“Nothing?” he asked, breathing in deeply and wrapping his arms around her.
“Nothing. Not leaving the toilet seat up, not forgetting our anniversary, not being childless, not drinking from the milk carton. Nothing,” she said, her voice unwavering in its sincerity. “Would you like me to show you?”
She ran her hands down his stomach and under his shirt and was rewarded with a sad smile. He sifted, tipping them both sideways until he was spooning against her back. His hands settled at her waist as he buried his head against the back of her neck.
“Later,” he whispered against her neck. “Right now I just want to lay here and hold you and know that you’re here.”
She nodded and snuggled closer against him. Before Tony she hadn’t been with anyone who liked to cuddle. She had never thought that it was important, but from him, she had learned that some of the most comforting and loving moment were found in the weight of a body against your own. His fingers began to trace small circles over her stomach, and she knew what he was thinking. She softly placed her hands over his and wove their fingers together. She took a deep breath, unsure if she should reveal what Abby had told her in confidence a few weeks ago.
“I know about the ring,” she said softly, her thumb gently stroking his.
“I wondered if Abby has burst from that secret,” he said with a sigh.
“Is this why you did not ask?” she asked.
He nodded against her shoulder. “I knew if I asked, I would have needed to tell you, and I didn’t want to ruin anything.”
She laughed softly. “I am relieved that is your reason.”
“Relieved?” he asked in wonder. “Why be relieved over that?”
“I was starting to worry you had changed your mind. That you had thought about a future with me and decided it was not what you wanted.”
She smiled as he placed a soft kiss on her neck. “I’ve always wanted you. And I want a future with you.”
“You sure?” she asked softly.
“Absolutely.”
“Nothing would make you change your mind?” she asked.
“Nothing.”
She shifted, turning her head until she could meet his eyes. “That’s how I feel about you too. Nothing at all would change that. Nothing.”
She smiled when he nodded. “I get it Ziva.”
She turned back around, cuddling close to him. “Good. Now don’t forget it.”
He gently took his hand off her stomach and she could feel him digging in his pants pocket. When he brought his hand back there was a slim gold band with a diamond in his hand. She smiled at the sight of it.
“Yes,” she said softly.
He laughed. “I didn’t ask you yet.”
“It does not matter how you ask,” she said as she held out her hand. “My answer is the same.”
She felt his chuckle against her neck as he slid the band onto her finger. She tilted her hand and looked at it for a moment before shifting around to face him.
“I love you Ziva,” he said softly, a content smile on his face.
“Show me?” she asked, cupping his chin and lightly kissing him.
He grinned. “I guess I could manage that.”
Length/Word Count: 2327
Pairing/Characters: Tony/Ziva
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not my sandbox ... I'm just playing in it. I'll clean up when I'm done.
Summary: Tony and Ziva talk about the future
Written for kytivafan for the ncis_verse Case File Exchange, but not finished on time ... so think of it as a late present!
Ziva led Leyla to the sofa where Amira had fallen asleep an hour before. She gently brushed the child’s hair from her face before looking at Leyla with a sad smile.
Leyla lifted the seven year old and settled her against her while looking at Ziva. “You’ll make a good mom one day.”
Ziva nodded silently, watching in wonder as the child continued to sleep, not even away that she had been scooped up by her mom.
“I mean it Ziva. You and Tony. You think that you’ve both been through too much to be good parents, but I think you would be great,” she smiled softly. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t leave Amira with you.”
Ziva nodded and glanced up at Tony who had just walked into the room. “Maybe one day.”
“One day what?” Tony asked crossing the room.
“I was just telling Ziva that you two would make good parents,” Leyla said with a smile.
“Oh,” Tony said with a nod.
Ziva watched as he ran his finger across Amira‘s hand but didn’t say anything more. Leyla met her eyes and she shrugged. Leyla nodded and headed for the door. Closing the door behind her, Ziva turned to Tony expecting an explanation. Instead she found that she was alone in the living room.
“Tony?” she called out.
He poked his head out of the kitchen. “Do you want pizza tonight? Or should I cook something?”
“Pizza’s fine,” she said with a shrug. “Look Tony, what Leyla said, it’s not something I’m thinking about. She brought it up, and I know we never talked about it, and I didn’t plan to until the time was right. I hope you’re not freaked out.”
“Kids are cute,” he said with a shrug. “But I don’t plan to ever have any. Ever.”
Ziva nodded. Opening her mouth, she quickly closed it, realizing that she had nothing to say. She hadn’t necessarily thought about having kids herself, but she had always imagined that it would be a discussion and they would come to a decision together. She tried to shake of the doubts that had begun to plague her that maybe he didn’t plan on something long term between them.
“So, pizza?” he said with a grin.
She nodded again and walked from the room before she got her hands on a paperclip and threaten a discussion from him.
***
The rest of the night had gone downhill quickly, and after the pizza she had ignored the pleading look in Tony’s eyes to watch a movie with dessert and a bottle of wine. Claiming a headache, she headed into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
She lay awake, staring at the ceiling worrying about how quickly everything was falling apart. She was still awake when Tony opened the bedroom door. Quickly shutting her eyes, she rolled over and pretended to be asleep. She felt him sit down on the bed beside her and sigh.
He softly ran his fingers through her hair. “I know you’re awake.”
“Go away,” she whispered.
“We need to talk,” he said softly. “Please.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she said, biting her lip to keep back the tears that were suddenly threatening to fall. “You already made your decision.”
“It wasn’t my decision,” he muttered.
She turned toward him. “What is that suppose to mean? I did not ever say I did not want children. Do not try to staple this on me.”
He shook his head. “I can’t Ziva. It’s not a question of want, it’s that I can’t.”
“What?”
He sighed and shook his head. “The swimmers? They don’t so much swim.”
“You donated in college,” she said blankly. “If they didn’t swim you would not have.”
He nodded. “Then I got the plague. And there were complications, and there were causalities from the complications.”
“Oh,” she said softly, the realization washing over her.
“So at first I figured it was ok, I had donated and maybe I could get them back. And then they expired, and that was it,” Tony shrugged. “And I figured that was fine. I wasn’t ever going to find anyone anyways so it didn’t really matter. At least that’s what I told myself.”
Ziva sat up and wrapped her arms around Tony’s waist. Burying her head against his chest, she allowed him to wrap his arms around her and hug her close.
Pulling away, she met his eyes. “It does not matter to me.”
“I saw the look on your face with Amira. You want one,” he said softly.
She ran her and down his cheek. “I want you.”
“I bet Ray could have given you kids,” he said, bitterness creeping into his voice.
“I did not want Ray. I did not care what he could give me. That is why I told him no that night. That is why I came to you that night.”
She watched Tony’s face and knew he didn’t believe her words. She had surprised him over a year ago when she showed up on his doorstep after breaking up with Ray. It hadn’t been until Ray held an engagement ring out to her that she realized what she really wanted. That night everything had changed between her and Tony, and she knew that he still struggled with believing that he was what she wanted.
“I wish you had just told me that earlier,” she said softly.
“I didn’t know how to,” he said with a sigh. “I thought maybe we’d never talk about it. Or maybe you wouldn’t want any. I could never figure out how to tell you so I just never told you.”
She leaned up and softly kissed his cheek. While it hurt to hear that she would never carry his child, it hurt her more to know that he had felt he needed to hide this from her. While her scars were more evident, she had also given them up easier. There were things inside of him that he never spoke of, and she knew his fear of rejection and failure ran deeper than anything she had survived. While her method of survival had been to fight, his had been to lock it all inside and make a joke. She knew he had seen a therapist for a couple of years after he rescued her from Somalia. She had even come with him to a session to discuss the rescue. But she also knew that some time on a therapist’s couch couldn’t begin to fix what he had locked away.
“I am sorry,” she said gently, running her fingers across his cheek.
He shifted and started to pull away. “I’m just going to go back to my place tonight. You can think things over and call me in the morning if you want.”
She grabbed his hand, trying to stop him. While they technically still had their own places, they hadn’t voluntarily spent a night apart in months. The last time they had it was their one and only spectacular fight as a couple. She knew without a doubt that if she let him walk out the door, he wouldn’t be back. He smiled sadly and slipped from her grasp.
“I want you,” she said loudly, causing him to stop by her bedroom door. “I do not care what you can or cannot give me. I want you.”
He turned and shook his head, his voice heavy with grief. “I want a lot of things Ziva, but just because I want them it doesn’t mean it’s what’s best for you. You deserve so much more than me. You deserve a family.”
“Shut up,” she said as she stood and crossed the room. “Just shut up. Stop wallowing, stop with the pity. Stop being so pigheaded.”
She took his hands in hers and squeezed them. Pulling him back into the room she pushed him onto the bed and slid on top of him. Cuddling against his chest, she laid there silently, listening to the ragged hitch in his breathing. After a few minutes of silence he wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his chin on the top of her head.
“You are my family,” Ziva whispered. “You and the rest of the team. That is all the family I could want or need.”
“I’m sorry I can’t give you Italian ninjas,” Tony said softly.
She shook her head against his chest. “It does not matter. As long as I have you, it does not matter.”
“How can you be sure?” he asked, his hands grasping the tank that she wore, curling his fingers around the fabric. “How do you know you won’t wake up one day and regret that you’re with someone that can’t give you kids? How do you know you won’t …”
He didn’t finish his sentence, but he didn’t need to there were a lot of blanks that she could fill in on her own.
“Because it’s always been you,” she said simply. “We are both broken, but together we are better.”
She considered saying more, throwing out a joke, but she could feel him tightening his hold on her shirt and instead she just placed a soft kiss on his chest. She could feel the desperate way that he held onto her even though she wasn’t going anywhere. Closing her eyes, she laid her head back on his chest. Some mindsets were hard to break, and the belief that he had that everyone leaves, was the one thing she still saw him struggle with. She knew words wouldn’t mean anything to him. The best that she could do right now was silently show him that she wasn’t going anywhere.
She wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, his hands clenching her shirt, her head on his heart listening to it beat. Slowly his hands began to loosen, but they never let go. The silence was almost breaking her heart and the fears that she had earlier had faded as she realized the truth. She knew he was working something out in his head, but she didn’t know how to get him to talk about it.
“Everyone leaves,” he finally said softly. “I’ve always been ready for the day that you do too.”
“I am not leaving Tony,” she said gently as she met his eyes. “Never.”
“I don’t want you to be here because you think you owe me something, or because you feel sorry for me,” he sighed deeply
“That is not why I am here,” she said with a sad smile. “I am here because I am irrevocably in love with you, and nothing will ever change that.”
“Nothing?” he asked, breathing in deeply and wrapping his arms around her.
“Nothing. Not leaving the toilet seat up, not forgetting our anniversary, not being childless, not drinking from the milk carton. Nothing,” she said, her voice unwavering in its sincerity. “Would you like me to show you?”
She ran her hands down his stomach and under his shirt and was rewarded with a sad smile. He sifted, tipping them both sideways until he was spooning against her back. His hands settled at her waist as he buried his head against the back of her neck.
“Later,” he whispered against her neck. “Right now I just want to lay here and hold you and know that you’re here.”
She nodded and snuggled closer against him. Before Tony she hadn’t been with anyone who liked to cuddle. She had never thought that it was important, but from him, she had learned that some of the most comforting and loving moment were found in the weight of a body against your own. His fingers began to trace small circles over her stomach, and she knew what he was thinking. She softly placed her hands over his and wove their fingers together. She took a deep breath, unsure if she should reveal what Abby had told her in confidence a few weeks ago.
“I know about the ring,” she said softly, her thumb gently stroking his.
“I wondered if Abby has burst from that secret,” he said with a sigh.
“Is this why you did not ask?” she asked.
He nodded against her shoulder. “I knew if I asked, I would have needed to tell you, and I didn’t want to ruin anything.”
She laughed softly. “I am relieved that is your reason.”
“Relieved?” he asked in wonder. “Why be relieved over that?”
“I was starting to worry you had changed your mind. That you had thought about a future with me and decided it was not what you wanted.”
She smiled as he placed a soft kiss on her neck. “I’ve always wanted you. And I want a future with you.”
“You sure?” she asked softly.
“Absolutely.”
“Nothing would make you change your mind?” she asked.
“Nothing.”
She shifted, turning her head until she could meet his eyes. “That’s how I feel about you too. Nothing at all would change that. Nothing.”
She smiled when he nodded. “I get it Ziva.”
She turned back around, cuddling close to him. “Good. Now don’t forget it.”
He gently took his hand off her stomach and she could feel him digging in his pants pocket. When he brought his hand back there was a slim gold band with a diamond in his hand. She smiled at the sight of it.
“Yes,” she said softly.
He laughed. “I didn’t ask you yet.”
“It does not matter how you ask,” she said as she held out her hand. “My answer is the same.”
She felt his chuckle against her neck as he slid the band onto her finger. She tilted her hand and looked at it for a moment before shifting around to face him.
“I love you Ziva,” he said softly, a content smile on his face.
“Show me?” she asked, cupping his chin and lightly kissing him.
He grinned. “I guess I could manage that.”