Letters and Walls
Title: Letters and Walls
Length/Word Count: 1688
Pairing/Characters: Tony/Ziva
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not my sandbox ... I'm just playing in it. I'll clean up when I'm done.
Summary: Ray left a letter. Takes place after 9x13 "A Desperate Man
He had been gone a week when Tony handed her the letter. They were between movies in his apartment when he had turned serious and told her there was something he needed to give her. She took it, and stared at her name on the front of the envelope. Ray’s handwriting was unmistakable. She looked up at Tony who shook his head and shrugged. With a sigh she stood and carried the letter to the window. Slipping her finger under the seal of the envelope, she pulled the letter out and began to read.
My love,
If you’re reading this, it means that you did not accept my proposal, and your Agent DiNozzo has decided it is time for you to read this. Please do not be mad at him for giving you this. I asked him to do so when the time was right.
As you may know by now, the plane did not take me to Miami. Instead it took me out of the country, to a place that I will not name. I had wished you would be by my side, but I cannot say that I am surprised that you are not. I knew that I could not outrun the truth, but I had hoped I could keep you by my side. But I knew I wouldn’t. You are too good for that.
Believe me that I never meant to hurt you. And believe that I never meant to kill that woman and destroy her family. Who I was when I was with you, that is who I was. I never played a part; I never tried to fool you. The man you met and fell in love with in Miami; that was the real Ray Cruz. Who he ended up becoming was a monster.
I wanted nothing more than to take back what I had done. Forget that it had happened. Move on and start over. I wanted to do those things with you. I wanted to whisk you away with me to start a new life, on that I hadn’t messed up. I wanted to be the man that you once knew I was.
I never meant to become a monster. I never meant to become like your father, or like Michael or Ari. I meant it when I told you that I wasn’t like them that I could never be like them. I didn’t believe that I could. I am sorry that I did. I am sorry that I failed you, and that I failed myself. Mostly I’m sorry that I failed you.
That night, when I was suppose to meet you for dinner, I’m sure you now realize why I didn’t. I should have. I wish I could go back and change that night. Shown up for dinner, not go rogue. Propose the way I meant to. If I had, we’d be starting a new life together. Instead I’ve fled the country and you’re not with me.
The only comfort I have is that you have your team. They all love you, and they all want what’s best for you. Listen to them; let them love you right now. Don’t lock yourself away and put up walls because I hurt you. Let them in. There is nothing in the world that your team wouldn’t do for you, so let them do it. Tony especially cares for you. You once told me you think of him like a brother, but I assure you, he does not see you as a sister.
I’m sorry that in the end I wasn’t able to me the man that I wanted to be. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the man you needed to be. But that man is out there, and I hope you find him, and I hope you’re happy with him. Don’t let my screw-up get in the way of something great. You deserve great. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
I’m sorry for everything my love.
~Ray
Ziva sighed and stuck the letter back into the envelope. She stared vacantly out the window, lost in thought. She felt Tony step behind her, and she leaned back into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist but didn’t say anything. She wasn’t sure how long they stood there like that, but for the first time in since Ray had been exposed, she felt secure.
“I’m sorry,” Tony said, finally breaking the silence. “I wasn’t sure if I should give it to you or not. Ray was waiting outside of my apartment the night after he proposed to you. He said I needed to give this to you when the time was right. He knew then that you were going to say no. I think asking you was a final desperate attempt to hold onto the only good thing in his life.”
Ziva nodded. “He said a lot in his letter. And maybe one day, I will believe it.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Tony asked gently as his fingers pulled a strand of hair back from her face.
She shook her head. “Not yet.”
“Anytime,” he said softly. “You know I’m always here Ziva. Whatever you need, I’m here.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“For what?”
“For trying with Ray. For being my friend. For doing what you thought would make me happy,” she shook her head. “For not killing him.”
“I’ve always had your back,” he said softly. “And I just want you to be happy. I really thought he was different. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
“He was different,” she paused, considering her next words. “Just not different enough.”
Tony didn’t answer her, instead he tighten his hold on her and rested his head on her shoulder. She leaned further into his grasp and smiled sadly. Ray had at least been right about one thing. Tony did care for her. She was starting to question just how much he cared. She had a feeling that it was more than just friendship with him, but she hadn’t figured out how to ask him about it.
The rest of the team had been treating her with kid gloves. Kind words from Gibbs, food from Abby, and sad looks from McGee hadn’t helped the situation. She knew they meant well, but none of that was giving her the release she needed. Only Tony seemed to understand.
She had spent every night at his apartment since Ray left on the plane. At first they had just watched movies in comfortable silence, but after a few days, Tony began to suggest going for runs and sparring in the gym after work. He seemed to always know what she needed to release the tension that kept creeping up on her. Last night he had indulged her in an hour long backrub, and she had been surprised when he didn’t try to make a move on her.
“It’s not over for you Ziva,” Tony said, breaking the silence. “The right guy is out there. The guy that you’ll fall in love with, and marry, and have babies with. He’s out there, and one day you’ll meet him and all your white picket fence dreams will come true.”
“What if I decide that I do not want that dream?” she asked softly.
“Then you will always have movie nights with me.”
She turned around and faced him. “Are we going to keep ignoring this Tony?”
“Ignoring what?” he asked carefully.
“This, this thing that is between us. People asking us how long we have dated, and assumptions being made, and innuendos coming up but not being discussed,” she sighed and buried her head against his chest.
“I want to give you time Ziva. I want you, I need you to be sure,” he sighed and wrapped his arms tightly around her. “I need you to be sure this is not just a rebound reaction. I need you to know that this is what you want for good. You are my best friend Zi, you’re the most important person in my world, and if your friend is all I ever get to be, I’m okay with that. Do I want something more? Yes. But only when you’re ready.”
She looked up at him and met his eyes. Very carefully, while never losing eye contact she kissed him gently on the cheek. “Thank you Tony.”
He smiled and kissed her forehead. “What to watch another movie?”
She nodded. “Then another, and another.”
“That many?” he grinned. “I may need to get out the ice cream if we’re going to watch that many movies.”
“I do not want to leave tonight Tony,” she said slowly. “I do not want to be alone tonight.”
He nodded sadly. “You know, you don’t have to keep watching movies to stay here. That isn’t the cost of admission. We can just sit and talk, or not talk. Or sleep. I can take the couch if you want to sleep over.”
“What if I do not want you to take the couch?” she asked softly. “What if I do not want to be alone tonight? I just want to fall asleep, with you beside me, reminding me that I’m not alone.”
She knew her voice broke as she finished speaking and she buried her head against Tony. She took a few deep breaths, gulping for air, trying to push back the tears that were threatening to fall.
“I can do that,” Tony said, hugging her tightly. “We’ll have some ice cream, watch another movie, and get some sleep. Tomorrow is the weekend, and I promise I’ll keep you entertained the whole time.”
She nodded against him. “That would be nice.”
She let Tony lead her back to the sofa and she grinned when he ran to the kitchen and returned with a half gallon of ice cream, a can of whipped cream, and two spoons. She cuddled against him as another movie started, feeling safe and content. With Tony there was no need to put up walls. He knew her better than anyone, and still loved her. It was rather a nice feeling.
**I've been posting stories at dreamwidth ... there's new stuff over at http://whiteinkonpaper.dreamwidth.org that hasn't been posted here if you want to check it out!
Length/Word Count: 1688
Pairing/Characters: Tony/Ziva
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not my sandbox ... I'm just playing in it. I'll clean up when I'm done.
Summary: Ray left a letter. Takes place after 9x13 "A Desperate Man
He had been gone a week when Tony handed her the letter. They were between movies in his apartment when he had turned serious and told her there was something he needed to give her. She took it, and stared at her name on the front of the envelope. Ray’s handwriting was unmistakable. She looked up at Tony who shook his head and shrugged. With a sigh she stood and carried the letter to the window. Slipping her finger under the seal of the envelope, she pulled the letter out and began to read.
My love,
If you’re reading this, it means that you did not accept my proposal, and your Agent DiNozzo has decided it is time for you to read this. Please do not be mad at him for giving you this. I asked him to do so when the time was right.
As you may know by now, the plane did not take me to Miami. Instead it took me out of the country, to a place that I will not name. I had wished you would be by my side, but I cannot say that I am surprised that you are not. I knew that I could not outrun the truth, but I had hoped I could keep you by my side. But I knew I wouldn’t. You are too good for that.
Believe me that I never meant to hurt you. And believe that I never meant to kill that woman and destroy her family. Who I was when I was with you, that is who I was. I never played a part; I never tried to fool you. The man you met and fell in love with in Miami; that was the real Ray Cruz. Who he ended up becoming was a monster.
I wanted nothing more than to take back what I had done. Forget that it had happened. Move on and start over. I wanted to do those things with you. I wanted to whisk you away with me to start a new life, on that I hadn’t messed up. I wanted to be the man that you once knew I was.
I never meant to become a monster. I never meant to become like your father, or like Michael or Ari. I meant it when I told you that I wasn’t like them that I could never be like them. I didn’t believe that I could. I am sorry that I did. I am sorry that I failed you, and that I failed myself. Mostly I’m sorry that I failed you.
That night, when I was suppose to meet you for dinner, I’m sure you now realize why I didn’t. I should have. I wish I could go back and change that night. Shown up for dinner, not go rogue. Propose the way I meant to. If I had, we’d be starting a new life together. Instead I’ve fled the country and you’re not with me.
The only comfort I have is that you have your team. They all love you, and they all want what’s best for you. Listen to them; let them love you right now. Don’t lock yourself away and put up walls because I hurt you. Let them in. There is nothing in the world that your team wouldn’t do for you, so let them do it. Tony especially cares for you. You once told me you think of him like a brother, but I assure you, he does not see you as a sister.
I’m sorry that in the end I wasn’t able to me the man that I wanted to be. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the man you needed to be. But that man is out there, and I hope you find him, and I hope you’re happy with him. Don’t let my screw-up get in the way of something great. You deserve great. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
I’m sorry for everything my love.
~Ray
Ziva sighed and stuck the letter back into the envelope. She stared vacantly out the window, lost in thought. She felt Tony step behind her, and she leaned back into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist but didn’t say anything. She wasn’t sure how long they stood there like that, but for the first time in since Ray had been exposed, she felt secure.
“I’m sorry,” Tony said, finally breaking the silence. “I wasn’t sure if I should give it to you or not. Ray was waiting outside of my apartment the night after he proposed to you. He said I needed to give this to you when the time was right. He knew then that you were going to say no. I think asking you was a final desperate attempt to hold onto the only good thing in his life.”
Ziva nodded. “He said a lot in his letter. And maybe one day, I will believe it.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Tony asked gently as his fingers pulled a strand of hair back from her face.
She shook her head. “Not yet.”
“Anytime,” he said softly. “You know I’m always here Ziva. Whatever you need, I’m here.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“For what?”
“For trying with Ray. For being my friend. For doing what you thought would make me happy,” she shook her head. “For not killing him.”
“I’ve always had your back,” he said softly. “And I just want you to be happy. I really thought he was different. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
“He was different,” she paused, considering her next words. “Just not different enough.”
Tony didn’t answer her, instead he tighten his hold on her and rested his head on her shoulder. She leaned further into his grasp and smiled sadly. Ray had at least been right about one thing. Tony did care for her. She was starting to question just how much he cared. She had a feeling that it was more than just friendship with him, but she hadn’t figured out how to ask him about it.
The rest of the team had been treating her with kid gloves. Kind words from Gibbs, food from Abby, and sad looks from McGee hadn’t helped the situation. She knew they meant well, but none of that was giving her the release she needed. Only Tony seemed to understand.
She had spent every night at his apartment since Ray left on the plane. At first they had just watched movies in comfortable silence, but after a few days, Tony began to suggest going for runs and sparring in the gym after work. He seemed to always know what she needed to release the tension that kept creeping up on her. Last night he had indulged her in an hour long backrub, and she had been surprised when he didn’t try to make a move on her.
“It’s not over for you Ziva,” Tony said, breaking the silence. “The right guy is out there. The guy that you’ll fall in love with, and marry, and have babies with. He’s out there, and one day you’ll meet him and all your white picket fence dreams will come true.”
“What if I decide that I do not want that dream?” she asked softly.
“Then you will always have movie nights with me.”
She turned around and faced him. “Are we going to keep ignoring this Tony?”
“Ignoring what?” he asked carefully.
“This, this thing that is between us. People asking us how long we have dated, and assumptions being made, and innuendos coming up but not being discussed,” she sighed and buried her head against his chest.
“I want to give you time Ziva. I want you, I need you to be sure,” he sighed and wrapped his arms tightly around her. “I need you to be sure this is not just a rebound reaction. I need you to know that this is what you want for good. You are my best friend Zi, you’re the most important person in my world, and if your friend is all I ever get to be, I’m okay with that. Do I want something more? Yes. But only when you’re ready.”
She looked up at him and met his eyes. Very carefully, while never losing eye contact she kissed him gently on the cheek. “Thank you Tony.”
He smiled and kissed her forehead. “What to watch another movie?”
She nodded. “Then another, and another.”
“That many?” he grinned. “I may need to get out the ice cream if we’re going to watch that many movies.”
“I do not want to leave tonight Tony,” she said slowly. “I do not want to be alone tonight.”
He nodded sadly. “You know, you don’t have to keep watching movies to stay here. That isn’t the cost of admission. We can just sit and talk, or not talk. Or sleep. I can take the couch if you want to sleep over.”
“What if I do not want you to take the couch?” she asked softly. “What if I do not want to be alone tonight? I just want to fall asleep, with you beside me, reminding me that I’m not alone.”
She knew her voice broke as she finished speaking and she buried her head against Tony. She took a few deep breaths, gulping for air, trying to push back the tears that were threatening to fall.
“I can do that,” Tony said, hugging her tightly. “We’ll have some ice cream, watch another movie, and get some sleep. Tomorrow is the weekend, and I promise I’ll keep you entertained the whole time.”
She nodded against him. “That would be nice.”
She let Tony lead her back to the sofa and she grinned when he ran to the kitchen and returned with a half gallon of ice cream, a can of whipped cream, and two spoons. She cuddled against him as another movie started, feeling safe and content. With Tony there was no need to put up walls. He knew her better than anyone, and still loved her. It was rather a nice feeling.
**I've been posting stories at dreamwidth ... there's new stuff over at http://whiteinkonpaper.dreamwidth.org that hasn't been posted here if you want to check it out!