Biggest post ever
Its been a really really long time, and a lot has happened since then. But for now I wish to concentrate on one thing for a while. This started off as a dream, and developed during a course of IM sessions with a few of my friends. I'm going to post it all because I just feel I have to get this out. The names of these friends will not be shown.
diapered_white_lion_cub: I dreamed I could see and talk to the dead
diapered_white_lion_cub: and this lady who was bald and wearing a shroud walks up to me in a diner
diapered_white_lion_cub: and I could feel that she was sad and had lost her love, so I offered to be the connection to him
diapered_white_lion_cub: so I pulled out this book and started reading it, and I lived the story of the little guy she loved
diapered_white_lion_cub: and he had sacrificed himself for her so she could live, and she never knew
diapered_white_lion_cub: then the book started flashing and the lady disappeared and all I felt for the rest of the dream was the pain of their loss and his death
diapered_white_lion_cub: in my dream I was screaming how much it hurt, and when I woke up I was almost crying, my face was contorted into a really big frown, it almost hurt to have it that way
diapered_white_lion_cub: my stomach was hurting until I woke up too, and for the rest of the night the only way I could sleep was to hug my tiger plush
diapered_white_lion_cub: I couldnt let him go.
What do you suppose the dream was about, in your mind?"
diapered_white_lion_cub: I want to say how much I've been hurting to find my daddy
diapered_white_lion_cub: but its really hard to tell, I think the only reason i get by from day to day is because I repress things
diapered_white_lion_cub: I've lived with a lot of stuff for a long long time, and if I wasnt able to push myself away from it I think I would go crazy
You need someone, would you say?
diapered_white_lion_cub: yeah
Have I hurt you like this?
diapered_white_lion_cub: no, you havent
I was afraid I had at first.
diapered_white_lion_cub: I'll tell you what I do, and what I think I need
diapered_white_lion_cub: or well, what I would like
diapered_white_lion_cub: Every day I push a part of myself aside
diapered_white_lion_cub: the little part that loves everyone, and wants to make everyone happy. The part of me that loves diapers so much it just wants to shout to the world I wear them because I want people to know
diapered_white_lion_cub: around all my friends I keep my guard up
diapered_white_lion_cub: the only exception is online
diapered_white_lion_cub: and even then I knew if I met most of the people online in real life, my guard would go up again
diapered_white_lion_cub: I always take up a leadership position
diapered_white_lion_cub: even in the small things like the spanish groups in class
diapered_white_lion_cub: I lead by example and try to do what I want
diapered_white_lion_cub: on top of this I feel messed up because of my childhood
diapered_white_lion_cub: or rather that I didnt have one
diapered_white_lion_cub: I cannot stand my mother, I love her, but I dont really like her
diapered_white_lion_cub: sometimes I feel guilty for this, others more than justified
You have residual anger,
that's natural.
I love my dad also, but he's incredibly insensitive when it comes to some matters
You've told me, I beleive.
He's hurt you about certain lifestyle "quirks" you have
diapered_white_lion_cub: more than hurt
diapered_white_lion_cub: I dont want either of my parents in my love life, ever
diapered_white_lion_cub: the thought of even letting them know I like someone abhors me
diapered_white_lion_cub: its an idea I just cant tolerate
diapered_white_lion_cub: it feels like every day I live with this gigantic monster inside me that I have to keep down
diapered_white_lion_cub: different from the panther, but in a way the same
diapered_white_lion_cub: sometimes really small things set this off
diapered_white_lion_cub: like yesterday I almost dropped a cookie sheet with cookies on it, and my whole body went "BOOM"
diapered_white_lion_cub: I got stressed way out of proportion
diapered_white_lion_cub: and some days its really really clear to me that if I didnt keep these things down
diapered_white_lion_cub: I would just lose it
diapered_white_lion_cub: and its like this every day
diapered_white_lion_cub: I hide things from the people that think they're close to me
diapered_white_lion_cub: I have a different personality for every friend I have
diapered_white_lion_cub: no one has seen what I keep from the world, basically what and who I want to be
diapered_white_lion_cub: and that just happens to be the white lion cub
diapered_white_lion_cub: I really want a guy taller than myself, and larger, and stronger to come in and just more or less FORCE me to be what I am inside
diapered_white_lion_cub: to take all the control, all the things I do every day away
I can kinda relate to having a different personality for each friend,
sometimes I put on a facade, but it's not quite the same thing.
diapered_white_lion_cub: *nods*
diapered_white_lion_cub: I think I know what you mean
diapered_white_lion_cub: I really get pride from the fact I mislead people
diapered_white_lion_cub: in the way that I dont let them know who I am, or how I think
Keeps you safe, perhaps?
diapered_white_lion_cub: yep
*hugs*
Beleive it or not, this sounds a lot like a form of social anxiety,
not to put a lable on it, but online chatter is probably helping you some.
There's much more to it than just that lable, though, and you know that *hugs*
diapered_white_lion_cub: I dont know about anxiety though
diapered_white_lion_cub: its hard to explain, because for some reason I've just noticed how popular I seem to have become
diapered_white_lion_cub: I make friends now like everywhere I go
diapered_white_lion_cub: I dont mean to brag but I've developed an incredible amount of social skills
Having social skills and being comfortable bening yourself around other people are two different things.
diapered_white_lion_cub: I just don't show people the deepest parts
diapered_white_lion_cub: its a mixture of both
diapered_white_lion_cub: I have the skills, and the confidence to be me around people. It just turns out to be different sides of me
It's still social anxiety, because you're cutting off a part of yourself and manipulating people away from that.
Is that more accurate?
Manipulation in this sense isn't a bad thing.
diapered_white_lion_cub: in a way yes
Are you afraid?
diapered_white_lion_cub: no
diapered_white_lion_cub: someone could find me out, and expose me totally and completely
diapered_white_lion_cub: and I wouldnt care
diapered_white_lion_cub: this giant gaping maw of this monster I've explained would just open up and swallow my emotions
diapered_white_lion_cub: and calmly and cooly I feel I would just show everyone how little I care what they think
diapered_white_lion_cub: I would just go on my way
I really don't know how to describe what that is,
but I'm willing to listen still, and try to udnerstand
I'm sorry *hugs again*
Lion, what do you think would happen if you let people see the real you?
diapered_white_lion_cub: if people knew who I am and I didn't want them to, I think I would completely cut them off
Why do you suppose that is?
diapered_white_lion_cub: I just dont want them to know
diapered_white_lion_cub: if they do, thats fine, but who I am deep inside is something so special to me that I only share it with a few people
diapered_white_lion_cub: its something I dont want to share with everyone, plus I dont want a repeat of what happened when my friends found out I was gay. I was disgusted by the huge change in how they treated me. I've already cut off a lot of friends because of that
diapered_white_lion_cub: its not even that they know, or that I'm afriad
diapered_white_lion_cub: afraid
You don't want to feel that people can mess with a part of you that's so personal?
no, they really can
diapered_white_lion_cub: t
diapered_white_lion_cub: mess with any parts of me, I just dont want to have to deal with it
diapered_white_lion_cub: lemme explain
diapered_white_lion_cub: the night one friend asked me in the car if I was gay, and I told her yes, she completely changed her attitude toward me instantly
diapered_white_lion_cub: she stopped seing "me" and she saw another girl
That's stupid of her.
diapered_white_lion_cub: she said things like "thats so cute"
diapered_white_lion_cub: she even later went on to try and set me and some other friends up for trips to the mall to "pick up guys"
diapered_white_lion_cub: and asked me all sorts of questions about what kind of guy I like etc etc
diapered_white_lion_cub: if I had EVER wanted to share any of that with her I would have told her
diapered_white_lion_cub: but it just wasn't her business
diapered_white_lion_cub: I dont want to go through that with all of my friends
diapered_white_lion_cub: and I know that all of them aren't like that
diapered_white_lion_cub: but again, I just dont want them to know
I understand now.
She crossed the line and showed you that she really doesn't understand you.
Reguardless of a persons sexuality, beleifs, or whatever,
I'll always see that person if I suddenly discover more about them *hugs*
She just sounds closed-minded
diapered_white_lion_cub: she saw what she wanted to
diapered_white_lion_cub: and took what she wanted from the situation
diapered_white_lion_cub: I really think what it all boils down to for me is the power struggle. I know I want a guy who can just take that away from me, who can make me be the cub I am
Make you feel safe, perhaps
diapered_white_lion_cub: thats a big part of it
You've been betrayed by people, it only makes sense.
diapered_white_lion_cub: I've lived with it my whole life, I dont know how to live any other way
I know it must be hard.
To exist repressing bad emotions all your life,
constantly onguard
diapered_white_lion_cub:I grew up in an emotional solitude. I couldnt get out to anyone when I was young, so I raised myself
End of what I wanted to post from that. I have to deal with these problems I keep pushing down, though I still need to figure out a way to do this. To everyone who has the time and patience to read this I want to say thank you. I do plan on being around a lot more now, and the extra time in college is finally affording me this. If anyone wants to talk to me personally lemme know.
diapered_white_lion_cub: I dreamed I could see and talk to the dead
diapered_white_lion_cub: and this lady who was bald and wearing a shroud walks up to me in a diner
diapered_white_lion_cub: and I could feel that she was sad and had lost her love, so I offered to be the connection to him
diapered_white_lion_cub: so I pulled out this book and started reading it, and I lived the story of the little guy she loved
diapered_white_lion_cub: and he had sacrificed himself for her so she could live, and she never knew
diapered_white_lion_cub: then the book started flashing and the lady disappeared and all I felt for the rest of the dream was the pain of their loss and his death
diapered_white_lion_cub: in my dream I was screaming how much it hurt, and when I woke up I was almost crying, my face was contorted into a really big frown, it almost hurt to have it that way
diapered_white_lion_cub: my stomach was hurting until I woke up too, and for the rest of the night the only way I could sleep was to hug my tiger plush
diapered_white_lion_cub: I couldnt let him go.
What do you suppose the dream was about, in your mind?"
diapered_white_lion_cub: I want to say how much I've been hurting to find my daddy
diapered_white_lion_cub: but its really hard to tell, I think the only reason i get by from day to day is because I repress things
diapered_white_lion_cub: I've lived with a lot of stuff for a long long time, and if I wasnt able to push myself away from it I think I would go crazy
You need someone, would you say?
diapered_white_lion_cub: yeah
Have I hurt you like this?
diapered_white_lion_cub: no, you havent
I was afraid I had at first.
diapered_white_lion_cub: I'll tell you what I do, and what I think I need
diapered_white_lion_cub: or well, what I would like
diapered_white_lion_cub: Every day I push a part of myself aside
diapered_white_lion_cub: the little part that loves everyone, and wants to make everyone happy. The part of me that loves diapers so much it just wants to shout to the world I wear them because I want people to know
diapered_white_lion_cub: around all my friends I keep my guard up
diapered_white_lion_cub: the only exception is online
diapered_white_lion_cub: and even then I knew if I met most of the people online in real life, my guard would go up again
diapered_white_lion_cub: I always take up a leadership position
diapered_white_lion_cub: even in the small things like the spanish groups in class
diapered_white_lion_cub: I lead by example and try to do what I want
diapered_white_lion_cub: on top of this I feel messed up because of my childhood
diapered_white_lion_cub: or rather that I didnt have one
diapered_white_lion_cub: I cannot stand my mother, I love her, but I dont really like her
diapered_white_lion_cub: sometimes I feel guilty for this, others more than justified
You have residual anger,
that's natural.
I love my dad also, but he's incredibly insensitive when it comes to some matters
You've told me, I beleive.
He's hurt you about certain lifestyle "quirks" you have
diapered_white_lion_cub: more than hurt
diapered_white_lion_cub: I dont want either of my parents in my love life, ever
diapered_white_lion_cub: the thought of even letting them know I like someone abhors me
diapered_white_lion_cub: its an idea I just cant tolerate
diapered_white_lion_cub: it feels like every day I live with this gigantic monster inside me that I have to keep down
diapered_white_lion_cub: different from the panther, but in a way the same
diapered_white_lion_cub: sometimes really small things set this off
diapered_white_lion_cub: like yesterday I almost dropped a cookie sheet with cookies on it, and my whole body went "BOOM"
diapered_white_lion_cub: I got stressed way out of proportion
diapered_white_lion_cub: and some days its really really clear to me that if I didnt keep these things down
diapered_white_lion_cub: I would just lose it
diapered_white_lion_cub: and its like this every day
diapered_white_lion_cub: I hide things from the people that think they're close to me
diapered_white_lion_cub: I have a different personality for every friend I have
diapered_white_lion_cub: no one has seen what I keep from the world, basically what and who I want to be
diapered_white_lion_cub: and that just happens to be the white lion cub
diapered_white_lion_cub: I really want a guy taller than myself, and larger, and stronger to come in and just more or less FORCE me to be what I am inside
diapered_white_lion_cub: to take all the control, all the things I do every day away
I can kinda relate to having a different personality for each friend,
sometimes I put on a facade, but it's not quite the same thing.
diapered_white_lion_cub: *nods*
diapered_white_lion_cub: I think I know what you mean
diapered_white_lion_cub: I really get pride from the fact I mislead people
diapered_white_lion_cub: in the way that I dont let them know who I am, or how I think
Keeps you safe, perhaps?
diapered_white_lion_cub: yep
*hugs*
Beleive it or not, this sounds a lot like a form of social anxiety,
not to put a lable on it, but online chatter is probably helping you some.
There's much more to it than just that lable, though, and you know that *hugs*
diapered_white_lion_cub: I dont know about anxiety though
diapered_white_lion_cub: its hard to explain, because for some reason I've just noticed how popular I seem to have become
diapered_white_lion_cub: I make friends now like everywhere I go
diapered_white_lion_cub: I dont mean to brag but I've developed an incredible amount of social skills
Having social skills and being comfortable bening yourself around other people are two different things.
diapered_white_lion_cub: I just don't show people the deepest parts
diapered_white_lion_cub: its a mixture of both
diapered_white_lion_cub: I have the skills, and the confidence to be me around people. It just turns out to be different sides of me
It's still social anxiety, because you're cutting off a part of yourself and manipulating people away from that.
Is that more accurate?
Manipulation in this sense isn't a bad thing.
diapered_white_lion_cub: in a way yes
Are you afraid?
diapered_white_lion_cub: no
diapered_white_lion_cub: someone could find me out, and expose me totally and completely
diapered_white_lion_cub: and I wouldnt care
diapered_white_lion_cub: this giant gaping maw of this monster I've explained would just open up and swallow my emotions
diapered_white_lion_cub: and calmly and cooly I feel I would just show everyone how little I care what they think
diapered_white_lion_cub: I would just go on my way
I really don't know how to describe what that is,
but I'm willing to listen still, and try to udnerstand
I'm sorry *hugs again*
Lion, what do you think would happen if you let people see the real you?
diapered_white_lion_cub: if people knew who I am and I didn't want them to, I think I would completely cut them off
Why do you suppose that is?
diapered_white_lion_cub: I just dont want them to know
diapered_white_lion_cub: if they do, thats fine, but who I am deep inside is something so special to me that I only share it with a few people
diapered_white_lion_cub: its something I dont want to share with everyone, plus I dont want a repeat of what happened when my friends found out I was gay. I was disgusted by the huge change in how they treated me. I've already cut off a lot of friends because of that
diapered_white_lion_cub: its not even that they know, or that I'm afriad
diapered_white_lion_cub: afraid
You don't want to feel that people can mess with a part of you that's so personal?
no, they really can
diapered_white_lion_cub: t
diapered_white_lion_cub: mess with any parts of me, I just dont want to have to deal with it
diapered_white_lion_cub: lemme explain
diapered_white_lion_cub: the night one friend asked me in the car if I was gay, and I told her yes, she completely changed her attitude toward me instantly
diapered_white_lion_cub: she stopped seing "me" and she saw another girl
That's stupid of her.
diapered_white_lion_cub: she said things like "thats so cute"
diapered_white_lion_cub: she even later went on to try and set me and some other friends up for trips to the mall to "pick up guys"
diapered_white_lion_cub: and asked me all sorts of questions about what kind of guy I like etc etc
diapered_white_lion_cub: if I had EVER wanted to share any of that with her I would have told her
diapered_white_lion_cub: but it just wasn't her business
diapered_white_lion_cub: I dont want to go through that with all of my friends
diapered_white_lion_cub: and I know that all of them aren't like that
diapered_white_lion_cub: but again, I just dont want them to know
I understand now.
She crossed the line and showed you that she really doesn't understand you.
Reguardless of a persons sexuality, beleifs, or whatever,
I'll always see that person if I suddenly discover more about them *hugs*
She just sounds closed-minded
diapered_white_lion_cub: she saw what she wanted to
diapered_white_lion_cub: and took what she wanted from the situation
diapered_white_lion_cub: I really think what it all boils down to for me is the power struggle. I know I want a guy who can just take that away from me, who can make me be the cub I am
Make you feel safe, perhaps
diapered_white_lion_cub: thats a big part of it
You've been betrayed by people, it only makes sense.
diapered_white_lion_cub: I've lived with it my whole life, I dont know how to live any other way
I know it must be hard.
To exist repressing bad emotions all your life,
constantly onguard
diapered_white_lion_cub:I grew up in an emotional solitude. I couldnt get out to anyone when I was young, so I raised myself
End of what I wanted to post from that. I have to deal with these problems I keep pushing down, though I still need to figure out a way to do this. To everyone who has the time and patience to read this I want to say thank you. I do plan on being around a lot more now, and the extra time in college is finally affording me this. If anyone wants to talk to me personally lemme know.