Ilusion 2
Twenty years of living as Seo Joohyun is tiring. Especially with my personality, I have always been an audience, watching my parents drift from my childhood, seeing them going home to change their clothes every single day feels like not seeing them at all. I’m passive, stiff expression is the only thing I can do, I live in my own world.
And being in the same house with bunch of normal college students suffocates me. Their liveliness every night keeps on making me realize how different I really am. I am not insecure, I just don’t like how it reminds me about someone. It makes more vulnerable that I truly show.
And I don’t like it. I don’t like how crave for his presence when I know I won’t get it. Jonghyun is the best human being I have ever met, he’s older by three years but we were closest to each other. Were, past tense. I tense with the sudden realization again. I could feel my chest aching again like it does every single time I think about him.
“You’re here again” Jung Yonghwa’s husky voice effectively brings me out of my train of thoughts. I exhale softly, creating a visible air from my mouth. The lovely weather of Gangwondo gets me every night, the cold and comfortable wind accompanies me in the silence of the bench just outside the cabin.
I fix the cardigan that I am wearing, my other hand gripping on the cup on my lap. Third day and my staffs are handling each task for the newspaper really well. They see how the team is working hard with every part of the strict and heavy training. But within the three days, this guy, Yonghwa, keeps popping out of nowhere whenever I want to be alone (which is most of the time).
His persistence of trying to open up is starting to be a nuisance. He always gets away with his boyish charm and gorgeous face, it annoys me that I seem to be his next target. Not because almost everyone in our university likes him, I would be one of them. I just don’t get all this ‘I’m-hot-and-popular-so-have-sex-with-me’ act he likes to do all the time when he’s not inside the court.
Just like the past days, I give him nothing but silence. I sip from the coffee I purposely brought with me, not all coffee brands have the same taste that I want.
“You’re alone again” He repeats, sitting down at the other corner of the bench.
Obviously. And I obviously do not like to have any conversation with you. I want to say that, to tell him to get lost but I can’t. Maybe because it’s been a while since a person is diligent enough to try to drag me out of my world. He seems to be creating a hobby of ‘I’m going annoy this quiet girl whenever I’ve got nothing to do’ thing.
“Your staffs are doing a good job with their work”
“Thank you” I am not rude, okay. I am may be a bitch for choosing not to talk all the time but if someone compliments what I do or anything, I’m always thankful.
Tonight seems to be different. Yonghwa grows quiet as the seconds pass by. He chooses to speak his desires of getting into my pants by letting the silence blows with the wind. It feels a bit weird knowing that he decides to shut up because as far as I know, Jung Yonghwa is never quiet. He always go around with his stupid carefree personality, making everyone laugh with his jokes and pranks and being quiet just don’t fit him.
Despite the slight weird atmosphere, I manage to finish my coffee without the need to converse with him. I stare right down at the twinkling lights of the city, occasionally rolling my eyes whenever the howling and boisterous laughter from the inside are increasing.
“Hey you” I quickly turn my head to the door and see Minhyuk, still wearing his smile.
I smile, watching as the air from his mouth evaporates with the endless cold blow of the wind. He has been a brother to me, considering how he knows almost everything about me. He and Jonghyun were closer though, being guys and all their crap. It feels good having him around.
“Isn’t it too cold out here?” He asks, rubbing his hand before burying it inside his jacket’s pockets. “What are you doing here, Yonghwa?”
I stand from my seat and walk past by Minhyuk and Yonghwa. They are friends, Minhyuk is too friendly to let the opportunity pass of getting to know someone like Jung Yonghwa. It isn’t a rude thing to do, I know he is not talking to me and I don’t really want to listen to their conversation.
The cabin is big enough to accommodate thirty persons, seeing more than half of them clutter around the house gives me a mild headache. I am too used with silence. The silence from our house whenever I’m there, the silence of the library where I spend most of my time and the serene atmosphere of the café, it’s nothing like this crazy real deal. I quickly walk through their mess to the kitchen to leave the cup there.
“Seohyun” Tiffany calls while I am ascending through the stairs.
I turn my head and wait for her to speak. “Nice punishment for us, huh” Her twinkling and adorable small eyes looking at me, one of the positive people I know. She spreads the happy virus and I am just glad I can dodge it whenever she is around.
I lift the side of my mouth, nodding in agreement. While inside our room, I brush my teeth while she goes around outside the bathroom talking about how hot and gorgeous seeing the basketball team work their asses off for the games. Tiffany Hwang is in love with guys despite her angelic face and personality. I think it’s in her genes, I know her siblings love going around playing hearts.
“You aren’t going to sleep yet?” She asks innocently, a pout visible on her face when I change my cardigan to a black leather jacket.
“It’s midnight, Tiffany. I don’t sleep at midnight” I reply calmly, grabbing my iPod from my bag. “But you should sleep and look forward on seeing your hot guys”
She lets out a melodic laugh, something only Tiffany Hwang can do without sounding annoying. “You’re just……incredible, Seohyun. I could never say that in tone like yours” I tilt my head while heading to the door, looking at her questioningly. “You and your indifference. It’s what makes you THE Seo Joohyun. The unreachable, gorgeous and cool girl” I curl my brows with her weird statement, I almost could see stars from her eyes. I roll my eyes before closing the door behind me.
People assume that I am mighty and high just because I act like I don’t give a damn about anything. It is downright crazy and I don’t find it flattering at all. But they don’t care, they already labelled me as someone worth their attention and time.
I walk past the house, going to another bench just at the edge of the hill, under the lamppost. I plug in the earphones into my ears, letting the soft and calming music of piano pieces I love listening at. I am a bit far from the chaos of my schoolmates, heaving a deep breath with the anxiety of remembering how hideous my life really is.
I press my eyes tightly when memories of Jonghyun rush into my mind again. I feel the need to sob it out, to let the pain of missing him for years out but I couldn’t. My heart feels so cold with his memories, the smile and laughter he left me feels like it can crush my insides.
“Are you alright? You look like you’re about to hyperventilate” Jung Yonghwa, once again, enters into my personal time. I slowly open my eyes and see that he has his hands buried inside his personalized basketball jacket and wears the most curious expression I have seen.
I sigh, pretending that I didn’t hear any of his words. He must really think of me as a challenge for choosing to follow me in the middle of the night when he needs to be up few hours later. Again, he sits at the corner of the bench but I know this time it would be different from what happened an hour ago.
“You’re always alone…and aloof” It must be the first time, I am not sure, to hear how frustrated Jung Yonghwa sounds with his accusation. I smile, maybe a bit grimly, like I am agreeing with him. “And…you are so different” he adds like he is reading a microscopic organism in front of him. He seems fidgety after he pours out his stupid observations, he looks like he is afraid of what I will say.
I laugh in my mind, I doubt that Jung Yonghwa is capable of feeling afraid over someone like me. Impossible.
“And you can shut your fucking mouth for literally a day but your eyes speak, Joohyun-“
“No one calls me Joohyun” I butt in, my tone unfazed of what had just happened. I try not to think of the weird lump that suddenly forms inside my throat. To ignore how it amazing it is to hear my sacred preferred name coming from his. I try not to think of anything at all.
“Wha-t? Minhyuk calls you that and…he’s the only one who-“ His mind seems to wander off again with his newly-found observation. I never thought he can be nosy like this. If only his admirers would know about this, his creepy and annoying trait.
He points that my eyes speak despite my choice of not speaking when it is not necessary. He is the only one who says that, I begin to guard my eyes, to control it how it looks to everyone. His single statement makes me frantic in the inside, is it the truth?
“You are tough nut to crack” He whispers with the strong wind that seems to accompany us tonight.
I let out a short and bitter laugh, “I heard but nobody told you to spare me your precious time” I watch the steam coming from my mouth vanish into nothing.
He looks at me, I could see all his small move with my peripheral vision. He follows with the laugh but his is full of adoration with what I had just said. “Well, you intrigue me” At least he is straightforward.
“I’m giving you a disappointment this time, Jung Yonghwa. I don’t usually talk to anyone”
“Now you’re talking. More than to people in this training” He points teasingly. His eyes probably focus on the scenery where I am looking.
I shut my mouth, giving him what is supposed to be. I continue listening to my music when he keeps on talking about how frustrated he is with their coach, with how he ragged his training has become. I curl my brows without him knowing, according to the reports I have received, their coach has been working his butt off to give him all the props and pleasure of being part of their basketball team.
I glance at him, somehow understanding where he is coming from. He doesn’t need all the fame, he just wants to play his damn game, that’s all. The frustration in him feels tangible, like he has to let it out before convulsing in deep frustration. I wonder if looking less untouchable is part of his plan of sneaking into his girls’ pants.
In the end, we are left with silence again. The silence of being two lost souls who is spending time away from who people want them to be, it feels comfortable all of a sudden.
“Why are you still up?” Yonghwa asks, after five minutes of bearable silence, his voice a little hoarse from the coldness of the night.
“Shouldn’t I be asking the same question?” Just to get away from answering a lot of people keep on asking, I have to ask back.
He chuckles, exhaling a large amount of steam from his mouth. “I asked first” And he sounds like he needs an answer or he’ll have to punch me.
I deliberate for a while, should I reply or should I just keep my mouth close? I take a deep breath and confused myself from actually taking time to reply to Jung Yonghwa. Of all people. “I…can’t sleep” I let him ogle at my face. I can sense the questions his eyes are giving me but I continue to stare at the sparkling lights beneath me.
“That’s not possible. I saw you sleep in the bus when we were going here”
I glance at him, slightly curving the side of my lips. “Aren’t you an observer?”
I watch him exhale his pile of frustration out as he presses his eyes tightly for a second with his lips cursing. “I’m serious here”
“Oh. So am I supposed to reply to all of your questions just because you are serious?” I can’t help my mouth, I’m born with bitch blood running into my system. It must be the reason why I prefer keeping it shut.
“Goddamnit” He curses once again and I feel a bit guilty with how I am handling this situation. I know I hate it when people don’t take me seriously. But I’m me, I don’t really give a fuck about anything. “You were sleeping. And it isn’t possible because you wake up as early as everyone does”
I turn my iPod off, seeing it as useless when someone besides me keeps blabbing his damn thoughts. I glance at my wristwatch, 3.45 in the morning. Two more hours before everyone has to wake up. I can take a short nap. I stand from my seat, ignoring his surprised expression. I start walking, it will take ten minutes to reach back to the cabin but probably longer with the colder wind blowing.
I hug myself against the wind, occasionally rubbing my hands together for warmth. I know he is following me, I see his shadow inches away from mine. “Only my closest friends and my parents call me by Joohyun. You and the whole world should call me Seohyun” I say, slowly walking through the stony stairs. “As much as possible, I don’t sleep because I get unbearable nightmares. I sometimes rely on pills to get enough sleep” I reach my room a bit faster than I thought I would get, it must be the slight bigger steps to get away from him. I finally turn at him, it catches him a bit off balance and shocked. “And…do what you love, damn your coach” I finish it with a roll of my eyes before turning back to open the door.
“Have a good sleep, Seo Joohyun”
And being in the same house with bunch of normal college students suffocates me. Their liveliness every night keeps on making me realize how different I really am. I am not insecure, I just don’t like how it reminds me about someone. It makes more vulnerable that I truly show.
And I don’t like it. I don’t like how crave for his presence when I know I won’t get it. Jonghyun is the best human being I have ever met, he’s older by three years but we were closest to each other. Were, past tense. I tense with the sudden realization again. I could feel my chest aching again like it does every single time I think about him.
“You’re here again” Jung Yonghwa’s husky voice effectively brings me out of my train of thoughts. I exhale softly, creating a visible air from my mouth. The lovely weather of Gangwondo gets me every night, the cold and comfortable wind accompanies me in the silence of the bench just outside the cabin.
I fix the cardigan that I am wearing, my other hand gripping on the cup on my lap. Third day and my staffs are handling each task for the newspaper really well. They see how the team is working hard with every part of the strict and heavy training. But within the three days, this guy, Yonghwa, keeps popping out of nowhere whenever I want to be alone (which is most of the time).
His persistence of trying to open up is starting to be a nuisance. He always gets away with his boyish charm and gorgeous face, it annoys me that I seem to be his next target. Not because almost everyone in our university likes him, I would be one of them. I just don’t get all this ‘I’m-hot-and-popular-so-have-sex-with-me’ act he likes to do all the time when he’s not inside the court.
Just like the past days, I give him nothing but silence. I sip from the coffee I purposely brought with me, not all coffee brands have the same taste that I want.
“You’re alone again” He repeats, sitting down at the other corner of the bench.
Obviously. And I obviously do not like to have any conversation with you. I want to say that, to tell him to get lost but I can’t. Maybe because it’s been a while since a person is diligent enough to try to drag me out of my world. He seems to be creating a hobby of ‘I’m going annoy this quiet girl whenever I’ve got nothing to do’ thing.
“Your staffs are doing a good job with their work”
“Thank you” I am not rude, okay. I am may be a bitch for choosing not to talk all the time but if someone compliments what I do or anything, I’m always thankful.
Tonight seems to be different. Yonghwa grows quiet as the seconds pass by. He chooses to speak his desires of getting into my pants by letting the silence blows with the wind. It feels a bit weird knowing that he decides to shut up because as far as I know, Jung Yonghwa is never quiet. He always go around with his stupid carefree personality, making everyone laugh with his jokes and pranks and being quiet just don’t fit him.
Despite the slight weird atmosphere, I manage to finish my coffee without the need to converse with him. I stare right down at the twinkling lights of the city, occasionally rolling my eyes whenever the howling and boisterous laughter from the inside are increasing.
“Hey you” I quickly turn my head to the door and see Minhyuk, still wearing his smile.
I smile, watching as the air from his mouth evaporates with the endless cold blow of the wind. He has been a brother to me, considering how he knows almost everything about me. He and Jonghyun were closer though, being guys and all their crap. It feels good having him around.
“Isn’t it too cold out here?” He asks, rubbing his hand before burying it inside his jacket’s pockets. “What are you doing here, Yonghwa?”
I stand from my seat and walk past by Minhyuk and Yonghwa. They are friends, Minhyuk is too friendly to let the opportunity pass of getting to know someone like Jung Yonghwa. It isn’t a rude thing to do, I know he is not talking to me and I don’t really want to listen to their conversation.
The cabin is big enough to accommodate thirty persons, seeing more than half of them clutter around the house gives me a mild headache. I am too used with silence. The silence from our house whenever I’m there, the silence of the library where I spend most of my time and the serene atmosphere of the café, it’s nothing like this crazy real deal. I quickly walk through their mess to the kitchen to leave the cup there.
“Seohyun” Tiffany calls while I am ascending through the stairs.
I turn my head and wait for her to speak. “Nice punishment for us, huh” Her twinkling and adorable small eyes looking at me, one of the positive people I know. She spreads the happy virus and I am just glad I can dodge it whenever she is around.
I lift the side of my mouth, nodding in agreement. While inside our room, I brush my teeth while she goes around outside the bathroom talking about how hot and gorgeous seeing the basketball team work their asses off for the games. Tiffany Hwang is in love with guys despite her angelic face and personality. I think it’s in her genes, I know her siblings love going around playing hearts.
“You aren’t going to sleep yet?” She asks innocently, a pout visible on her face when I change my cardigan to a black leather jacket.
“It’s midnight, Tiffany. I don’t sleep at midnight” I reply calmly, grabbing my iPod from my bag. “But you should sleep and look forward on seeing your hot guys”
She lets out a melodic laugh, something only Tiffany Hwang can do without sounding annoying. “You’re just……incredible, Seohyun. I could never say that in tone like yours” I tilt my head while heading to the door, looking at her questioningly. “You and your indifference. It’s what makes you THE Seo Joohyun. The unreachable, gorgeous and cool girl” I curl my brows with her weird statement, I almost could see stars from her eyes. I roll my eyes before closing the door behind me.
People assume that I am mighty and high just because I act like I don’t give a damn about anything. It is downright crazy and I don’t find it flattering at all. But they don’t care, they already labelled me as someone worth their attention and time.
I walk past the house, going to another bench just at the edge of the hill, under the lamppost. I plug in the earphones into my ears, letting the soft and calming music of piano pieces I love listening at. I am a bit far from the chaos of my schoolmates, heaving a deep breath with the anxiety of remembering how hideous my life really is.
I press my eyes tightly when memories of Jonghyun rush into my mind again. I feel the need to sob it out, to let the pain of missing him for years out but I couldn’t. My heart feels so cold with his memories, the smile and laughter he left me feels like it can crush my insides.
“Are you alright? You look like you’re about to hyperventilate” Jung Yonghwa, once again, enters into my personal time. I slowly open my eyes and see that he has his hands buried inside his personalized basketball jacket and wears the most curious expression I have seen.
I sigh, pretending that I didn’t hear any of his words. He must really think of me as a challenge for choosing to follow me in the middle of the night when he needs to be up few hours later. Again, he sits at the corner of the bench but I know this time it would be different from what happened an hour ago.
“You’re always alone…and aloof” It must be the first time, I am not sure, to hear how frustrated Jung Yonghwa sounds with his accusation. I smile, maybe a bit grimly, like I am agreeing with him. “And…you are so different” he adds like he is reading a microscopic organism in front of him. He seems fidgety after he pours out his stupid observations, he looks like he is afraid of what I will say.
I laugh in my mind, I doubt that Jung Yonghwa is capable of feeling afraid over someone like me. Impossible.
“And you can shut your fucking mouth for literally a day but your eyes speak, Joohyun-“
“No one calls me Joohyun” I butt in, my tone unfazed of what had just happened. I try not to think of the weird lump that suddenly forms inside my throat. To ignore how it amazing it is to hear my sacred preferred name coming from his. I try not to think of anything at all.
“Wha-t? Minhyuk calls you that and…he’s the only one who-“ His mind seems to wander off again with his newly-found observation. I never thought he can be nosy like this. If only his admirers would know about this, his creepy and annoying trait.
He points that my eyes speak despite my choice of not speaking when it is not necessary. He is the only one who says that, I begin to guard my eyes, to control it how it looks to everyone. His single statement makes me frantic in the inside, is it the truth?
“You are tough nut to crack” He whispers with the strong wind that seems to accompany us tonight.
I let out a short and bitter laugh, “I heard but nobody told you to spare me your precious time” I watch the steam coming from my mouth vanish into nothing.
He looks at me, I could see all his small move with my peripheral vision. He follows with the laugh but his is full of adoration with what I had just said. “Well, you intrigue me” At least he is straightforward.
“I’m giving you a disappointment this time, Jung Yonghwa. I don’t usually talk to anyone”
“Now you’re talking. More than to people in this training” He points teasingly. His eyes probably focus on the scenery where I am looking.
I shut my mouth, giving him what is supposed to be. I continue listening to my music when he keeps on talking about how frustrated he is with their coach, with how he ragged his training has become. I curl my brows without him knowing, according to the reports I have received, their coach has been working his butt off to give him all the props and pleasure of being part of their basketball team.
I glance at him, somehow understanding where he is coming from. He doesn’t need all the fame, he just wants to play his damn game, that’s all. The frustration in him feels tangible, like he has to let it out before convulsing in deep frustration. I wonder if looking less untouchable is part of his plan of sneaking into his girls’ pants.
In the end, we are left with silence again. The silence of being two lost souls who is spending time away from who people want them to be, it feels comfortable all of a sudden.
“Why are you still up?” Yonghwa asks, after five minutes of bearable silence, his voice a little hoarse from the coldness of the night.
“Shouldn’t I be asking the same question?” Just to get away from answering a lot of people keep on asking, I have to ask back.
He chuckles, exhaling a large amount of steam from his mouth. “I asked first” And he sounds like he needs an answer or he’ll have to punch me.
I deliberate for a while, should I reply or should I just keep my mouth close? I take a deep breath and confused myself from actually taking time to reply to Jung Yonghwa. Of all people. “I…can’t sleep” I let him ogle at my face. I can sense the questions his eyes are giving me but I continue to stare at the sparkling lights beneath me.
“That’s not possible. I saw you sleep in the bus when we were going here”
I glance at him, slightly curving the side of my lips. “Aren’t you an observer?”
I watch him exhale his pile of frustration out as he presses his eyes tightly for a second with his lips cursing. “I’m serious here”
“Oh. So am I supposed to reply to all of your questions just because you are serious?” I can’t help my mouth, I’m born with bitch blood running into my system. It must be the reason why I prefer keeping it shut.
“Goddamnit” He curses once again and I feel a bit guilty with how I am handling this situation. I know I hate it when people don’t take me seriously. But I’m me, I don’t really give a fuck about anything. “You were sleeping. And it isn’t possible because you wake up as early as everyone does”
I turn my iPod off, seeing it as useless when someone besides me keeps blabbing his damn thoughts. I glance at my wristwatch, 3.45 in the morning. Two more hours before everyone has to wake up. I can take a short nap. I stand from my seat, ignoring his surprised expression. I start walking, it will take ten minutes to reach back to the cabin but probably longer with the colder wind blowing.
I hug myself against the wind, occasionally rubbing my hands together for warmth. I know he is following me, I see his shadow inches away from mine. “Only my closest friends and my parents call me by Joohyun. You and the whole world should call me Seohyun” I say, slowly walking through the stony stairs. “As much as possible, I don’t sleep because I get unbearable nightmares. I sometimes rely on pills to get enough sleep” I reach my room a bit faster than I thought I would get, it must be the slight bigger steps to get away from him. I finally turn at him, it catches him a bit off balance and shocked. “And…do what you love, damn your coach” I finish it with a roll of my eyes before turning back to open the door.
“Have a good sleep, Seo Joohyun”