ARGH LANGUAGES
F-LIST, I NEED YOUR HELP. T___T
I've finally gone back to translating Ryutaro's Gojuonshiki (finally! haha... *cough* >.>;), but I'm having trouble phrasing some things that should be easy to phrase but they're JUST NOT. ... Have I mentioned that I hate English?
This is Sekai (The World):
At night,
the world quietly rests.
So I will also lay down and sleep.
This is the only time I become honest,
feel gravity pull my whole body
without resisting it,
and gaze at the things farthest away.
Tonight, the already waning moon
seems to be shining more brightly than yesterday
and I think of you.
I wish I could sleep
without thinking of anything,
without being afraid of anything.
I wish I could sleep
without hesitating over anything,
without being scared of anything;
just peacefully.
I try to snuggle up close to the world.
Before long, my breath becomes faint.
"GOOD NIGHT............"
~~~
Everything in red is something I see as awkward and needing fixing.
And as you can probably tell, I have been having so much trouble with that first part, it's not even funny. That horrible phrase about gravity has got me stumped. I just can't word it right! Changed to a proper English sentence, the whole thing would be "This is the only time I become honest and gaze at the things farthest away while, without resisting, I feel gravity pull my whole body." But even that sounds awkward. The sentence itself doesn't translate well, and that's where my problem lies. But I really want to put "gaze at the things farthest away" at the end of the sentence because it links with the rest of the paragraph perfectly. There's gotta be a way to make it conform to proper English, right? ...Right? ._."
So... does anyone have any suggestions?
And the second to last line.. There's nothing wrong with it grammatically (as you can prob tell) and I'm happy with my translation of it, but the change between sentences there seems a bit harsh. I want to put an "and" at the start of the second sentence because I reckon that'll make it easier to read, but what do you guys think? It'll become "I try to snuggle up close to the world. And before long, my breath becomes faint." Better, right?
Ugh, idek anymore. =_=;
EDIT: Here's the original Japanese text for those who want to read it:
夜、
世界は静に横たわっています。
だから僕も横になって眠ります。
この時だけは素直になって、
重力に逆らわず、
全体で重力を感じながら、
いちばん遠いものを眺めます。
今日はもう欠けている満月が
昨日より光ってみえて、
君を想ったりします。
なんにも考えず、
なんにも怖がらず、
眠っていたらいいのに。
なんにも迷わず、
なんにも怯えずに、
ただ安らかに
眠っていたらいいのになぁ。
世界にぴったり寄りそってみます。
そろそろ僕は虫の息です。
「オヤスミナサイ――――。」
I've finally gone back to translating Ryutaro's Gojuonshiki (finally! haha... *cough* >.>;), but I'm having trouble phrasing some things that should be easy to phrase but they're JUST NOT. ... Have I mentioned that I hate English?
This is Sekai (The World):
At night,
the world quietly rests.
So I will also lay down and sleep.
This is the only time I become honest,
feel gravity pull my whole body
without resisting it,
and gaze at the things farthest away.
Tonight, the already waning moon
seems to be shining more brightly than yesterday
and I think of you.
I wish I could sleep
without thinking of anything,
without being afraid of anything.
I wish I could sleep
without hesitating over anything,
without being scared of anything;
just peacefully.
I try to snuggle up close to the world.
Before long, my breath becomes faint.
"GOOD NIGHT............"
~~~
Everything in red is something I see as awkward and needing fixing.
And as you can probably tell, I have been having so much trouble with that first part, it's not even funny. That horrible phrase about gravity has got me stumped. I just can't word it right! Changed to a proper English sentence, the whole thing would be "This is the only time I become honest and gaze at the things farthest away while, without resisting, I feel gravity pull my whole body." But even that sounds awkward. The sentence itself doesn't translate well, and that's where my problem lies. But I really want to put "gaze at the things farthest away" at the end of the sentence because it links with the rest of the paragraph perfectly. There's gotta be a way to make it conform to proper English, right? ...Right? ._."
So... does anyone have any suggestions?
And the second to last line.. There's nothing wrong with it grammatically (as you can prob tell) and I'm happy with my translation of it, but the change between sentences there seems a bit harsh. I want to put an "and" at the start of the second sentence because I reckon that'll make it easier to read, but what do you guys think? It'll become "I try to snuggle up close to the world. And before long, my breath becomes faint." Better, right?
Ugh, idek anymore. =_=;
EDIT: Here's the original Japanese text for those who want to read it:
夜、
世界は静に横たわっています。
だから僕も横になって眠ります。
この時だけは素直になって、
重力に逆らわず、
全体で重力を感じながら、
いちばん遠いものを眺めます。
今日はもう欠けている満月が
昨日より光ってみえて、
君を想ったりします。
なんにも考えず、
なんにも怖がらず、
眠っていたらいいのに。
なんにも迷わず、
なんにも怯えずに、
ただ安らかに
眠っていたらいいのになぁ。
世界にぴったり寄りそってみます。
そろそろ僕は虫の息です。
「オヤスミナサイ――――。」