A Modest Proposal
I vote that everyone should put their satires up her cause I want to read them.
Here's mine
Suggestions for Central from the Department of Hallway Safety
Dear Mr. John Rist,
After completing the yearly examination of your school I have discovered some alarming findings. In a thorough inspection of Central High School I observed hallways for several days, spoke to teachers and students, looked at your school newspapers, and scrutinized your files. There are a plethora of problems at Central High School that must be addressed immediately. I have included detailed descriptions of my hallway safety concerns and have provided several suggestions to combat each problem.
The main problem in Central’s hallways is congestion, due to mass amounts of students traveling at once, or to groups of students who walk four or five abreast at the slowest pace imaginable. During the changing of classes, nearly 2,000 students are walking around your campus, and problems arise in areas of three-way traffic, such as the entrance to the James building from the Burns building. Many students are trying to move in different directions at once and there is no system set up to help them. To fix this problem, you can do one of two things. You can use your staff to stand at busy intersection and direct traffic. This is very effective because the teacher is right there and can write out traffic violation tickets immediately. The other option is to install traffic lights and monitoring cameras in busy intersections. This is less effective because when going over the video some students who break the traffic laws will be unidentifiable. Like in any place, if there are no punishments for the rules, no one will follow them. You will need to set up a system of traffic violations that may result in detention or, preferably, fines, which would pay for the modifications your halls require.
The second cause of frequent traffic jams is your slow students who walk four or five abreast. Many of your faster paced students have expressed that they difficulty getting to class on time due to these students. One way of fixing this problem is a minimum speed limit, which could be enforced with tickets, like the intersections. The other possibility is introducing a system used by cross-country skiers. When racing, skiers can call “track” if they need to pass a person. The person in the way must move to the side and let the person pass or face consequences.
Your second large issue in Central’s halls is the amount of students stopping in halls to kiss and touch one another. This causes a halt in traffic and is a safety concern, as students who are “making out” may contaminate the school building with their bodily fluids. I found that many teachers are embarrassed to chastise students for this behavior so I’ve provided a few suggestions. First, teachers could use Taser guns as a means to get students to stop kissing. This, of course, could become expensive with each gun costing around $300, but the science classes could be employed to create contraptions, which are equally effective from disposable cameras. These could also be used on students who stand in the middle of the hallway to talk. My second suggestion comes from some information I found about the break-in that occurred over the summer. It appears as though your construction company did not put caps on your pipes. This will actually serve to your advantage, because if you merely attach some hoses to these pipes, your staff can have easy access to water, which can be used to hose down students touching in the halls.
The third hindrance in the traffic flow of your school is the challenge of getting between the top of the Classical Building or the Burns Building and the top of the Practical Arts Building. I suggest that you build a gondola that goes between the roofs of the Classical Building and the Practical Arts Building. This will diminish traffic on the stairwells and on the courtyard, where most fights take place.
I have also noticed that some of your larger students have difficulty climbing the stairs of the Classical Building. You should install escalators in their place, and possibly in all of your stairwells. I understand that many people will protest because the Classical Building is historical and has “beautiful” architecture, but I am sure you can get your way f you just tell the school board it is for the good of the community. Just remind them of the stairs in the Ash Street School and they will give you full funding.
The final problem I saw was the graffiti all over the campus. My first recommendation is to have the art students paint the walls. They want to paint, right? They can use their artistic skills to paint the walls the nice tan color found everywhere, and restore Central to its glory. If this does not work you should encourage the graffiti! Students could take an AP Graffiti course where they tag the walls for a mod. It could serve as an English and an art credit, while promoting artistic expression in the school. If both of these options fail you could try covering every surface in the school with mirrors, similar to a house of mirrors in an amusement park. If the students cannot tell where the walls are, they cannot possibly draw on them.
I have created a complete list of the areas you need to improve upon and suggestions of how you can aid these issues. I will revisit your school in a year to ensure that you have made Adequate Yearly Progress. I hope that all goes well.
Albert X. Bernard
Department of Hallway Safety
Here's mine
Suggestions for Central from the Department of Hallway Safety
Dear Mr. John Rist,
After completing the yearly examination of your school I have discovered some alarming findings. In a thorough inspection of Central High School I observed hallways for several days, spoke to teachers and students, looked at your school newspapers, and scrutinized your files. There are a plethora of problems at Central High School that must be addressed immediately. I have included detailed descriptions of my hallway safety concerns and have provided several suggestions to combat each problem.
The main problem in Central’s hallways is congestion, due to mass amounts of students traveling at once, or to groups of students who walk four or five abreast at the slowest pace imaginable. During the changing of classes, nearly 2,000 students are walking around your campus, and problems arise in areas of three-way traffic, such as the entrance to the James building from the Burns building. Many students are trying to move in different directions at once and there is no system set up to help them. To fix this problem, you can do one of two things. You can use your staff to stand at busy intersection and direct traffic. This is very effective because the teacher is right there and can write out traffic violation tickets immediately. The other option is to install traffic lights and monitoring cameras in busy intersections. This is less effective because when going over the video some students who break the traffic laws will be unidentifiable. Like in any place, if there are no punishments for the rules, no one will follow them. You will need to set up a system of traffic violations that may result in detention or, preferably, fines, which would pay for the modifications your halls require.
The second cause of frequent traffic jams is your slow students who walk four or five abreast. Many of your faster paced students have expressed that they difficulty getting to class on time due to these students. One way of fixing this problem is a minimum speed limit, which could be enforced with tickets, like the intersections. The other possibility is introducing a system used by cross-country skiers. When racing, skiers can call “track” if they need to pass a person. The person in the way must move to the side and let the person pass or face consequences.
Your second large issue in Central’s halls is the amount of students stopping in halls to kiss and touch one another. This causes a halt in traffic and is a safety concern, as students who are “making out” may contaminate the school building with their bodily fluids. I found that many teachers are embarrassed to chastise students for this behavior so I’ve provided a few suggestions. First, teachers could use Taser guns as a means to get students to stop kissing. This, of course, could become expensive with each gun costing around $300, but the science classes could be employed to create contraptions, which are equally effective from disposable cameras. These could also be used on students who stand in the middle of the hallway to talk. My second suggestion comes from some information I found about the break-in that occurred over the summer. It appears as though your construction company did not put caps on your pipes. This will actually serve to your advantage, because if you merely attach some hoses to these pipes, your staff can have easy access to water, which can be used to hose down students touching in the halls.
The third hindrance in the traffic flow of your school is the challenge of getting between the top of the Classical Building or the Burns Building and the top of the Practical Arts Building. I suggest that you build a gondola that goes between the roofs of the Classical Building and the Practical Arts Building. This will diminish traffic on the stairwells and on the courtyard, where most fights take place.
I have also noticed that some of your larger students have difficulty climbing the stairs of the Classical Building. You should install escalators in their place, and possibly in all of your stairwells. I understand that many people will protest because the Classical Building is historical and has “beautiful” architecture, but I am sure you can get your way f you just tell the school board it is for the good of the community. Just remind them of the stairs in the Ash Street School and they will give you full funding.
The final problem I saw was the graffiti all over the campus. My first recommendation is to have the art students paint the walls. They want to paint, right? They can use their artistic skills to paint the walls the nice tan color found everywhere, and restore Central to its glory. If this does not work you should encourage the graffiti! Students could take an AP Graffiti course where they tag the walls for a mod. It could serve as an English and an art credit, while promoting artistic expression in the school. If both of these options fail you could try covering every surface in the school with mirrors, similar to a house of mirrors in an amusement park. If the students cannot tell where the walls are, they cannot possibly draw on them.
I have created a complete list of the areas you need to improve upon and suggestions of how you can aid these issues. I will revisit your school in a year to ensure that you have made Adequate Yearly Progress. I hope that all goes well.
Albert X. Bernard
Department of Hallway Safety