Trying To Get My Head Straight
I got a letter about a week and a half ago, from my father. My father doesn't write to me often; usually, when we communicate, it's on the phone, so this in and of itself was a little surprising. However, it seems that my father is looking back on his life right now, and regretting that we never really had that sort of open communication relationship that it seems most fathers and sons are supposed to have. (Though, in my experience, such tends to be the exception rather than the rule, but that may be because I know too many dysfunctional families.)
Up until now, I'd been under the assumption that my father generally supported my decisions, realizing that, yeah, I'd make my mistakes and take some lumps, but, more often than not, I'd do the right thing. Come to find out now, he's mostly stayed quiet because he felt like he couldn't talk with me about what's going on with me.
So, he sent me this letter, stating such as an intro to what's really on his mind: He doesn't like that I've been living so long on my own, and feels I need to find someone in my life. He's concerned that I gave up on having a lifelong relationship with someone because of my divorce from Kim back in 1999. He even went so far as to make it clear that, if it were a guy I chose, hey, he and Mom would be good with that. As long as I'm with someone.
Now, this pretty much echoes thing my mother has said to me for a few years now, except she'd add the caveat, "As long as it's not Linda!" (No love lost there, it seems.) Hearing this from my father, though . . . Well, at first, I appreciated the concern, but, the more I thought about it, the more it just kept bothering me. Here we are, a week and a half later, and it’s still nagging at me.
I know my gay/bi/etc. friends out there who have had, or may one day have to have, that nerve-wracking coming-out conversation with their parents are probably a bit envious, but, I tell ya, I'm half-tempted to offer to trade them for their we-don't-care-if-you're-single-as-long-as-you're-not-gay parents in exchange for my we-don't-care-if-you're-gay-as-long-as-you're-not-single ones. I mean, what the heck is wrong with me being 37 and single, right? And it's not like I've tried to be single all this time, for crying out loud, and that I haven’t taken my shots. And, shoot, you'd think they'd be proud of me getting this far on my own steam, instead of becoming one of those codependent sorts who go from bad relationship to bad relationship, just for the sake of having someone there.
Maybe it's the relationship-focused society in which we live, but, once I got past that bit of indignation, it turned to me wondering where the heck I DID go wrong. Shoot, I wonder that often enough as it is, when it comes to relationships -- I'm 37 and single, for crying out loud ;) -- so this just threw all of that worry into overdrive.
Maybe my father has a point when it comes to my feeling burned by the divorce (and, since then, that failed lengthy relationship with Linda, which took more than its share of shots at my senses of stability and trust as well). It isn't very often that someone even catches my eye enough for me to even think in terms of relationships -- I recall Noriko mentioning a few months back something to the effect of never meeting anyone before me who was so oblivious to the opportunities available, after I'd made a complete but apparently endearingly clumsy oaf of myself at a restaurant with a rather cute woman, and was so concerned about the sign we'd both knocked over that I blew an apparently-perfect chance to at least get a little flirting in with her, maybe get her phone number, SOMETHING. So, maybe it's a subconscious thing from all those blows to my trust, mixed with awkward teen years when the only times I heard girls tell me I was cute was out of dripping sarcasm and followed by laughter. I try to keep my confidence up, and I DO feel that I am attractive, and would be worth it to someone out there to hook up with, but, fact of the matter is, that confidence is something I've had to force myself to build over many, many years, not something that comes naturally, and it does waver at times as a result. So, it isn't a second-nature thing for me to keep an eye open for Ms. Right; she could be right in front of me, for all I know.
Meanwhile, I HAVE had women make not-so-subtle hints that they are interested in relationships with me, though, usually, those relationships hinted to are either of the very-short-term variety, or involves almost obsessive behaviours within the first week of even knowing me. The former doesn’t enthuse me -- been there, done that, got the t-shirt, ain’t fulfilling to me -- and the latter puts up that big red “STALKER!” alert flag that sends me running the other way. (Hard to believe, but I have actually had to deal with two stalkers, one from clear across the Atlantic. Scary stuff.)
There have been the few times over the last few years where I’ve thought I’ve felt a bit of chemistry, so it’s not like I’m not feeling any chemistry with ANYONE. Then I really WOULD wonder if it’s all in my head. I’ve even followed through on most of them. For one reason or another, no dice. Made some good friends along the way from those tries, though, so while I wasn’t as successful as I’d hoped, I think I came out ahead, most of the time. And I guess it does show that I'm not just blanket denying everyone out of some fear of repeating my past relationship screw-ups.
So, what is the point of my going on and rambling here about this? Mostly, to try to get all of this straight in my head. My mother emailed today, wondering if I got Dad's letter, and voicing her support of what he said. So, I need to get an answer to them sometime, and all that's coming to mind is, "Thanks for your concern, working on it, and please don't try to hook me up with your church friends' kids." Not that I have anything wrong with folks who go to church; just most of them would have a problem with me not being Christian and/or my being a little bit “off”. Remember, we’re not just talking church here. We’re talking Richmond, Virginia, Bible-belt church. The ones that see people like me, who enjoys artwork of the nice-n-cute as well as the whips-n-chains variety that involves people with animalistic characteristics, has more gay/bi/trans/genderqueer friends than straight, etc., as just plain not right in the head. Then again, it’s not like my parents don’t know this, what with how I used to parade through malls with a fox tail clipped to my backside, and got into a rather loud religious debate with my sister last time we all got together -- in the middle of a Fuddruckers, no less -- when she out-of-the-blue stated, “God hates gays, you know”. (Hey, I never said that my parents didn’t have reason to question whether or not I’m straight. Guess that’s one more thing I have to lay down with them when I write them back.) So maybe they’d find someone in their church who can deal with my weirdness? Hm . . . Miracles can happen.
That IS one thing that has troubled the heck out of me, and, as much as I’ve tried to change it, it just seems to be who I am: I walk that annoyingly fine line between mundane and fan. To the mundane world, if they knew everything there was to know about me, they’d think that I, like everyone else in the furry/sci-fi fandom, need serious psychological help. Yet, to the fandom world, geez, I am hideously mundane. Take the very fact that I actually want a “traditional” family as an example. A lot of folks in the fandom I know, I talk about wanting to do the whole wife and kids thing again one day, and I get some smiles and nods, followed up by how they would never want one, the other, or either of these things, but they understand and respect why I might. Cool of them, mind you, and very nice and open-minded -- well, except the ones who then try to convince me to "snuggle" and (*SHUDDER*) "yiff" with them anyway, or immediately break into a defensive argument regarding their non-traditional relationships -- but, well, highly indicative that I’m not exactly the norm in the fandom for being so mundane.
Meanwhile, on the mundane side . . . Well, I’ve tried that side. The ones who aren’t scared away by my weirdness consider it just another fixer-upper task. Sorry, I may not be 100% thrilled with who I am, but I do not consider myself to be broken, nor in need of fixing. Came to that conclusion after numerous occasions of trying to, and having people try to fix me, and realizing that it’s just what I am: a silly, weird furry-enthusiast computer geek who you can take out in public and won’t completely embarrass you. Usually.
The other reason I am rambling about all of this here, is because there will be some changes coming soon. I do see some areas for improvement, the foremost being how I spend my leisure time. I spend way too much of my social time gaming online. It's a habit that grew out of when I was living in hotels, and had little more to do than to grab a bite to eat and hop online. Granted, these are real-world friends with whom I’m gaming, so it’s not like I’m just going out there blowing 40+ hours a week playing World of Snorecraft with some soap opera angsty raiding guild full of people I’ve never met and pray to the powers that be that I never will. But, still, it’s gotten to where I’m spending four, five, even six nights a week on EQOA, EVE Online, City of Somethingorother and Tapestries, and this has to stop.
The irony I realized a few weeks back, by the way? Everyone I game with in these regular game/RP groups already has a life partner. Well, not sure about Richard in EQOA; I thought he had someone, or a few someones, but I could be mistaken. Otherwise, I’m the only single person there. Made me wonder for a moment there if my purpose is to just play sidekick and comic relief for the folks who CAN find someone in their lives, especially the one or two folks who can get pretty insistent and grumpy when I have other things to do than go online and entertain them.
EQOA is going away in September. That has already been decided. Once that happens, I will likely be seeing about finding some way to consolidate game nights into maybe two per week, for EVE and City Of Heroes/Villains/Normals/Housepets. Mucks? Maybe one night a week, though, frankly, you’ll probably be better off catching me on IM, if you want to talk with me - I often leave my cell phone connected to AIM - because I see myself becoming a highly irregular visitor on there again soon. With any luck, I can get some of my nights back, so I am at least stop living the same damn rut I thought I escaped when I stopped living in hotel rooms. And, who knows? With a bit of social time in the world of the breathing and non-digital, maybe I’ll even find someone who’ll want to join me and all those other friends, single and coupled, on those few nights of gaming time online, along with the ones offline?
Hey, a guy can dream.
And then my parents can go back to complaining about how I live too far away. For now, though, I guess I’d better get back to figuring out a nice response to let them know that their son isn’t a complete failure for being single and 37. Maybe a little failure, but not complete.