Searching for a sign...
I am so filled with anger and negativity right now, I can hardly stand myself. I KNOW part of it is seasonal affective. It's the second week of March and we still have snow on the ground and weather in the 20s and I'm sick of it. It's causing me to spend way too much time dwelling on stupid things I've done, and being angry at people who have done me wrong, and angry at myself for letting them. For example. Once I had money. My dad left me, not a lot, but enough that if I had it now, I would not be struggling. But I let my ex spend it. I didn't stand up for my own rights, and so it's all gone.
Another example. Dad left my brother and I a house and land, even shares. Because I thought it was the right thing to do, I signed a quit-claim to my brother, and basically have no rights to any kind of proceeds from the property - which my brother would never sell anyway. He needed the quit-claim so he could take out a mortgage to pay his then-wife's credit card debt. I have no legal claims to anything. I thought I didn't need it because I had this money our dad left me. See? Pissed off, because I was stupid, and listened to bad advice from idiots.
When I was staying with him back in 2006, my brother called me selfish and stingy and disrespectful because I had a bag of food that I was taking on a trip and asked him and the boys not to eat it. I was furious that he dared to say that to me, after what I've done for him and his boys, and his stupid whore of an ex-wife that I didn't even like at the time I signed a quit-claim to them. I still can't think about it without something inside breaking apart.
There is some justice - my brother doesn't have a life of wine and roses either after the whore took him to the cleaners. He works hard and sacrifices much for his boys. I get no pleasure out of this; I wish him no ill. He's my only brother and I've endured a lot to have a decent relationship with him. He didn't screw me, I did it to myself, with my stupidity.
I'm intensely worried about my future, also. Moving to another city to finish my degree this fall scares the hell out of me. I wonder how I'll afford it. I don't know if I can trust my boyfriend to help me to get through. I assumed we were going to help support each other while we both worked toward our degrees at the same time. He's been keeping a running tally of everything he's spent on bills while I waited for my financial aid check, and now that I have it, I basically have to give it all to him for expenses. That's fine, we live together and share the bills, and we should contribute equally. However it makes me wonder if, when I graduate college, if he'll present me with a bill for everything he paid for.
I don't have anything going for me. Everything I have in this world is sitting in this chair, right now. I don't have grandparents and parents who are going to leave me money. My mom helps me just as much as she can, but she's on disability, and doesn't have much. I don't have Mom and Dad to help me when I need it and buy me gifts. My brother is never going to give me what is rightfully mine; why should he? All I have going for me is my determination, a late-developed work ethic and my ability to see things through to the end. If I can't get it on my own, I don't fucking want it. And you know? If you don't have anything, nobody can take it away from you.