I'll Keep You My Dirty Little Secret
So it's been a tough week and it's only Monday.
I'm in a really awful mood today.
So I've been wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm supposedly this intelligent young woman that's not too screwed up in the head. Then why can't I even get out of bed in the morning? Why do I only ever want to stay in my room?
Of course, I didn't go to school this morning, or to work this afternoon. Because why would I want to be productive and live my life and take care of my responsibilities when I can stay in bed all day and be miserable because I'm not?
I really don't know the answer to this question.
So of course, I talk to Sunshine about it. I can't keep anything from him.
I came out with a few realizations... I feel like I need to be the best, because if I'm not the best then I don't matter at all. I have to be the smartest, the funniest, the most important, have the best stuff, the hardest working employee. If I'm not, I feel like I don't matter at all.
I think, maybe, that I don't want to get up and do anything because then I can stay in my room and tell myself that if I did try, I would be the best, smartest, whatever. I'm afraid that if I do try, I'll find out I'm not the best... and then what would I be? Nothing. All my life the only thing I've ever been is the smart girl, I don't know what else to be now.
So instead of trying and failing to be perfect, I just don't do anything at all and content myself with thinking that if I wanted to do it, I could, but I just don't feel like it.
I don't like doing things halfway. If I can't do it right and be really good at it, I don't really want to do it at all.
Another part of this little conundrum is that for most of my life, I didn't have to work for anything. Ever. I was smart enough to get good grades without trying, and even in high school I was cut so much slack I never had to try. I didn't even have to try to get into college. And now that I'm trying to become an independently functioning human being, I actually have to get off my ass and try to meet expectations.
I don't know if I can... the thought of actually putting myself out there and giving something my all is a bit petrifying, because what if it turns out that I'm not actually as smart as I think I am? Or as everyone else thinks I am?
Poor Sunshine had to sit in my room for like an hour and try to convince me that my self-worth should not be based on how smart people think I am.
Gah... if only life were based on your SAT scores, I would feel so much better.
I'm sorry if I'm a disappointment to anyone.
I guess I've gotta give it a try.
Until then...
And you can trust me not to think,
And not to sleep around,
And if you don't expect too much from me,
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want's to be with you
And feel like I matter too
I'm in a really awful mood today.
So I've been wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm supposedly this intelligent young woman that's not too screwed up in the head. Then why can't I even get out of bed in the morning? Why do I only ever want to stay in my room?
Of course, I didn't go to school this morning, or to work this afternoon. Because why would I want to be productive and live my life and take care of my responsibilities when I can stay in bed all day and be miserable because I'm not?
I really don't know the answer to this question.
So of course, I talk to Sunshine about it. I can't keep anything from him.
I came out with a few realizations... I feel like I need to be the best, because if I'm not the best then I don't matter at all. I have to be the smartest, the funniest, the most important, have the best stuff, the hardest working employee. If I'm not, I feel like I don't matter at all.
I think, maybe, that I don't want to get up and do anything because then I can stay in my room and tell myself that if I did try, I would be the best, smartest, whatever. I'm afraid that if I do try, I'll find out I'm not the best... and then what would I be? Nothing. All my life the only thing I've ever been is the smart girl, I don't know what else to be now.
So instead of trying and failing to be perfect, I just don't do anything at all and content myself with thinking that if I wanted to do it, I could, but I just don't feel like it.
I don't like doing things halfway. If I can't do it right and be really good at it, I don't really want to do it at all.
Another part of this little conundrum is that for most of my life, I didn't have to work for anything. Ever. I was smart enough to get good grades without trying, and even in high school I was cut so much slack I never had to try. I didn't even have to try to get into college. And now that I'm trying to become an independently functioning human being, I actually have to get off my ass and try to meet expectations.
I don't know if I can... the thought of actually putting myself out there and giving something my all is a bit petrifying, because what if it turns out that I'm not actually as smart as I think I am? Or as everyone else thinks I am?
Poor Sunshine had to sit in my room for like an hour and try to convince me that my self-worth should not be based on how smart people think I am.
Gah... if only life were based on your SAT scores, I would feel so much better.
I'm sorry if I'm a disappointment to anyone.
I guess I've gotta give it a try.
Until then...
And you can trust me not to think,
And not to sleep around,
And if you don't expect too much from me,
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want's to be with you
And feel like I matter too