Live-blogging: TVDS7OMGx14, "Moonlight On the Bayou"
Before we even begin, I just want to say that I am already morally opposed to this episode. The previous one (which was UNUSUALLY GOOD) ended with Caroline heading to New Orleans. Gosh, who does she know in New Orleans? That's right, the fuckface who got his own spinoff because Bonnie never killed him when she had the chance Julie Plec has a thing for bad boys.
This is Hulu's blurb for the episode, which aired on February 26th: "In order to lure a vengeful vampire hunter named Rayna Cruz away from his friends in Mystic Falls, Stefan heads to New Orleans, where he comes face to face with Klaus Mikaelson." In spite of myself, I'm already intrigued. So many questions! Why does Stefan go to New Orleans? Don't all of Our Heroes know that Klaus lives in New Orleans now? Wait, is he going to New Orleans on purpose so he can beg Klaus for help with the Rayna situation? I must know! Still, Klaus is boring. Le sigh.
Previously on TVD, #DRAMA happened. Tonight on TVD, more #DRAMA happens!
(Make some popcorn now, bitches. You're gonna need it later.) (I'm guessing.)
Three Years From Now, Caroline takes the twins to a bar (which, by the way: great parenting) and finds out that "nobody has seen or heard from that man in three years." OH MY GUSH DOES RAYNA MAKE KLAUS DISAPPEAR OR GO INTO HIDING OR- okay, calm the fuck down.
Back in the present, Stefan drives and talks to Valerie, who is back at Chez Lockwood using a map to give him directions to a magical safehouse where Rayna won't be able to track him. He's somewhere in Georgia. I wonder how long it will take him to wind up in New Orleans. He stops at a gas station because he needs a new phone charger, but Valerie insists that stopping is the worst idea ever. Sure enough, as soon as he does Rayna shows up and tries to kill him. Of course.
Yay, Bonnie & Damon! Boo, Enzo! He's asked them to meet him at The Armory, "home to a society of supernatural artifact collectors." They apparently recruited him to nab Rayna. "They actually consider her one of the supernatural wonders of the world." The Armory is clearly the new Big Bad.
Then we get a flashback, which explains why Enzo is working for them: They know who his family is. If he was any other character this would really make me feel for him, but Enzo has become one of the most boring parts of the show, so I don't care. If I did, I might point out that they could easily be lying to manipulate him (because what could be more boring than that?). Anyway, his brilliant plan is for the three of them to lure Stefan here so Rayna will follow and they can spring a trap.That's clearly gonna work out perfectly, genius.
ENZO: What do you say?
DAMON: Well, I'll have to discuss this with my counsel.
ENZO: *turns away*
DAMON & BONNIE: *have a silent conversation with their eyes*
BONNIE: Okay. We're in.
Cut to the hospital, where Alaric tells Caroline that he and the twins are moving to Dallas. Right away. She insists on coming with him, which makes sense. But then she says that she can either sit here and worry about Stefan, who is running for his life from a magical huntress who will stop at nothing to kill him, blah blah blah, or do something useful . . . and I can't help but wonder why she doesn't think it would be useful to RUN TO STEFAN AND PROTECT HIM FROM RAYNA. Although, if we ignore that bit, it does still make sense that she wants to take care of the babies. She did just give birth to them yesterday.
Stefan goes to the bar Caroline will go to Three Years From Now, and IMMEDIATELY bumps into Klaus. "Stefan Salvatore in the Crescent City. This ought to be very good . . . or entertainingly bad." SHUT YOUR USELESS MOUTH, KLAUS. Stefan asks after Elijah, and whoever else he's brought back from the dead. "Oh, you know the Mikalesons, never a dull moment." THAT IS FALSE. YOU ARE A MIKAELSON, AND MOST MOMENTS YOU ARE ONSCREEN ARE DULL ONES.
Ohhh, this bar is the magical safehouse that can't be found by locator spells. What a shocking surprise.
The bartender Caroline will talk to in the future is also the bartender today. Her name is Sylvia. Let's talk about Sylvia for a second. First: She's black, so she's probably a witch. This is obviously problematic, but I'm okay with it because witches are the bitches in charge on this show, and it's actually pretty great that so many of the most powerful characters are black girls. Second: She's black. She's not Bonnie. Even if she is a witch (hell, even if she is a Bennett), her chances of survival are pretty fucking low. Well, we know she's still alive Three Years From Now, but this show has such a history of killing off its non-white characters that I won't even be surprised if when something does happen to her. Third: I really like the name Sylvia.
Stefan & Klaus talk a bit more, and it's boring as hell.
Alaric & Caroline & the babies are driving to Dallas. Both of the babies are crying, so Caroline is trying to comfort them from the front seat while talking to Matt on the phone (note: Do none of these people ever text? It's 2016) (other note: Why doesn't Caroline put Matt on speaker so she can use both hands to take care of the babies?) (other other note: When is it going to occur to her that it would be easier to take care of the babies if she wasn't in the front seat? She's not even fully turned around. The baby sitting behind her is basically screwed). Valerie shows up to help Matt find Stefan (don't ask why no one thought to ask Bonnie), which thrills Caroline to no end.
Matt points out the irony: He needs Valerie's help because there is no more sheriff's department. I love him so much sometimes.
Cut to a gas station slash convenience store in (I presume) the middle of nowhere. Nora notices Mary Louise contemplating the junk food, which she hates. She does hate it, but she's hoping it might kill her, since their family has been dropping like flies since they came to this new world, and once again the two of them are running away from "a psychotic huntress who will kill any vampire in her sight." Nora says she should perk the fuck up since they are running for their lives together, then puts a Ring Pop on her finger. Then they kiss, AND THEN THEY BOTH GET SHOT IN THE BACK. #DRAMA
ALEX: Poor thing. So desperate to embrace the modern world, but so unable to grasp the concept of cell phone tracking. Bag 'em up and let's go home.
Damon calls Valerie and reminds her that Stefan has a girlfriend. I don't like where this is going. Haha, Valerie tells him Stefan is in New Orleans, and he says that's doubtful because they only go there "for crappy booze and Klaus blood." She knows about the no-magic bar because Oscar came across it while he was searching for the Phoenix Stone. That's convenient. He mentions that he's at The Armory, and she freaks out because they are "a black hole of lies. They once tricked us into using Beau as bait in exactly the same fashion they'll use Stefan." Apparently, they will have no problem letting Rayna kill Stefan, as long as they get their paws on Rayna.
Seriously, what genius decided Bonnie should have more screentime with Enzo than she gets with Caroline? I know we all know the writers are rude jerks, but is it really necessary to put the best character with the most boring one quite so often? Don't even fucking talk to me about how they're apparently a couple Three Years From Now. Damon shows up, thank the gods. BUT THEN, as he's explaining to Enzo why he & Bon-Bon are gonna peace the fuck out of here now, Enzo shoots him and then uses the (vervain?) gun to smack Bonnie really hard on the head. Je-sus.
Damon wakes up in some sort of hospital room slash cell . . . next to Tyler, who is sedated. Enzo walks in and expositions that Tyler has been in a coma since Damon laid the smack-down on him a few episodes ago. Oh, he also reveals that Tyler works for The Armory as well, WHY AM I NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT SURPRISED. Ooooh, and then Damon figures out that that must be why they have Elena, she's another supernatural artifact. ( Friendly reminder that she & Damon are perfectly safe in side-by-side coffins Three Years From Now.) Then, as if the scene hasn't been dramatical enough already, Enzo says not to worry about Tyler, they're just keeping him alive until his werewolf thing wakes him and heals him. He lets himself out of the cell and says, "Oh, did I forget to mention that tonight's a full moon?" Damon is welcome to watch the show with him on the other side of the glass. Price of admission? Stefan's location. "Thanks. But you know I'm a sucker for the front row."
Where is Bonnie? She could save Damon from his current predicament in ten seconds flat. Oh, she's back on the couch where Enzo left her, just flickering back to consciousness. Enzo walks over and expositions about Damon & Tyler, then offers her some ice. (You'd think The Armory would consider THE LAST BENNETT WITCH enough of an asset that they immediately try to recruit her, but apparently not. Unless they plan to have him manipulate her a while longer before they make an offer?) Bonnie tries to curse his ass into oblivion, but she's "in magical time-out" because he injected her with some sort of serum after he knocked her out.
We see an establishing shot of the full moon, and I'm already bored by whatever's about to happen when Tyler transforms. We know Damon is unkillable. Even if we didn't know he's still alive Three Years From Now, even if Elena's departure didn't mean that Bonnie & Caroline & both brothers are officially safe, we know they aren't about to get rid of Damon. We. Know. So this whole "predicament" is just glorified filler.
CAROLINE: What kind of diner runs out of ketchup?
ALARIC: Shhhhhhut the fuck up, I just got them to stop crying!
Caroline starts talking about all the nannies she thinks he should interview (WHEN did she have time to find ANY? She only found out he might be moving to Dallas, like, two seconds before the babies started siphoning her to death, and then all the vampire C-section drama happened, and then THE DAY AFTER THAT is today. She's always been hyper-competent and super-organized, but come on), but then the babies start crying again. I really hope I'm wrong, but I can't help thinking that traveling with newborns + This Show = asking for disaster. For example, are we quite sure the Gemini Bitch coven is one thousand percent gone? Are we quite sure The Armory has zero interest in the babies?
Damon. Tyler. Countdown to wolf o' clock. BORED NOW.
Bonnie tries to open the door that leads to Damon, but it's locked and she can't do magic. In lieu of that, she . . . talks. To. Enzo. *sigh* They really are so very very boring together, words fail me. I want to cry. Oh wait, I'm already crying. Someone make it staaaahhhp. OH, YAY! She gets him talking, then waits for him to turn around, then picks up a vase and smacks him really hard on the head. Which doesn't knock him out, of course, but as he's writhing around on the floor she reaches down and grabs his vervain gun and shoots him (FINALLY), then drags him over and uses his hand to open the door.
You know, as much as I am bored by the way we keep coming back to this whole whatever with Damon & Tyler, I must say, Klaus has had very little screentime so far. (Which makes sense, when you consider that Joseph Morgan has his own nauseating show to film every week.)
Of course, because I just said that, the writers decide that now would be a good time for him to talk to Stefan some more, and he is smarmy and insufferable and repulsive. UGH, and of fucking course Klaus has to jump on the "let's say something vaguely ominous about Stefan & Caroline being doomed to break up because reasons" wagon, and I may in fact throw up. Ooooh, but then Klaus notices Stefan's scar and fucks the freak out because he is afraid of Rayna, which fills me with glee. "She will pursue you until your paranoia and despair far outweigh your desire to live. Here, elsewhere, or in Hell, she will find you." Okay, this obviously sucks out loud for Stefan, but I'm not about to let that stop me from being giddy that KLAUS IS AFRAID.
He's actually so afraid that he yells at Stefan to get out. He does, but he forgets his cell phone (because #DRAMA demands it), which immediately starts to ring. Klaus checks it, and of course it's Caroline, and of course he answers, NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF THIS.
CAROLINE: Who is this?
KLAUS: Ouch. Has it really been that long?
CAROLINE: . . . Klaus.
RYAN: OH MY ACTUAL GOD IT'S LIKE THE WRITERS ARE DETERMINED TO DO THE MOST BORING THING THEY CAN THINK OF AT LEAST ONCE AN EPISODE *shakes fist at the heavens*
Anyway, they talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk for about seven thousand years.
Damon! Tyler! Could this be the scene where Bonnie storms in and saves everything (please)? OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. She does storm in, but she can't open the cell because she has no magic, and Enzo's hand can open the door . . . so she marches back to him and grabs a convenient axe and chops off his hand, I love her so goddamn fucking much.
Back to Valerie the Very Interesting Heretic. Fortunately, Stefan's chat with her is brief, and then his car mysteriously stops running in the middle of the woods . . . because Rayna shoots one of the tires with an arrow (I keep waiting for the perfect moment to make a joke about how she's Hawkeye). They fight, and of course she comes very close to burying her sword in his heart, but then Ugh shows up and throws her off of him. Oh, damn, he actually threw her so hard that she's dead (for now)! THAT'S HOW AFRAID HE IS.
Tyler talks at Damon, and Damon talks at Tyler. Bonnie shows up, but Damon asks her not to open the door after all, because Tyler has pointed out that (duh) if the door is open he'll kill her too. She does it anyway, so the boys lunge out of the room and fight on the floor in front of her. Even though she has no magic at the moment, she's still Bonnie, so she tries to break it up, and gets a head wound for her troubles. Damon growls at Tyler to go the fuck away, then feeds Bonnie some of his blood . . .
. . . which does nothing. What a great time for a commercial!
Some time later, Enzo wakes up in the cell (his hand has been reattached; Bonnie's blood has not been cleaned off the window) and Alex comes in so they can talk and Ryan does his best to avoid listening to anything they say to each other. Oy fucking vey, Alex says that Enzo's father founded The Armory. What fresh hell is this? But wait, Alex is Enzo's family (she doesn't specify exactly how they are related) (if she's also a vampire, she could turn out to be his mother or his cousin or the long-lost twin sister he never even knew he had), and SERIOUSLY, WHO CARES?
Caroline! Alaric! The babies are finally asleep! New house! Furniture is on its way! Electricity will be turned on in the morning! More talking! Using lots of exclamation points to distract myself from the fact that this storyline is boring beyond all reason! It's not working! Oh no, and then they Have a Moment.
Bonnie is in the hospital, of course, because she's still unconscious (apparently whatever crap Enzo gave her to inhibit her magic means that magic, e.g. vampire blood, won't work on her either) (which is awfully convenient) (#DRAMA). Damon is upset. "You are a terrible friend. You know that? Do you have any idea what I would've had to go through if you had died today, huh? Years of guilt. Crippling, self-loathing guilt. Not to mention the resentment I'd feel if I was forced to break in a new drinking buddy. You're not supposed to die for me, Bon. Neither is my brother. But no matter what I say or how hard I try and drill it into your skulls, you're not gonna stop trying. Which is why I have to take myself out of the equation. It all ends tomorrow. You'll never have to worry about me again."
OKAY WHAT
And then, just when you thought the episode might end on an interesting note, Ugh asks Stefan if he loves Caroline. BUT THEN, in the last few seconds, he says they're going to see a witch who may be able to help with his Rayna Cruz problem!
The End
FINAL THOUGHTS
Um, what in the actual fuck ever happened to Sylvia? Is she a witch or not? Will we find out next episode?
This cliffhanger ending has me worried. Am I going to have to watch an episode of The Ugh Show to find out what happens next? Because that would suck (haha, vampire joke).
Other than Bonnie & Damon, everything going on here is fairly fucking boring. "Oh no, Stefan & Caroline are probably going to break up sooner than later because reasons!" Boring. "What's this, Caroline & Alaric are Having a Moment!" Boring. "ENZO IS WORKING FOR THE BIG BAD and so is Tyler!" Boring. "Valerie is still on the show!" BORING.
It bothers me that The Armory possess a drug that can nullify a witch's powers. The show likes to go out of its way to "explain" why Bonnie can't magically fix anything everything, but this has got to be the laziest reason they've ever given. Also, what exactly is the deal with this drug? It can't really be a drug, right? It's gotta be a potion. Nothing other than witchcraft should be able to mute a witch's magic. Especially a Bennett witch. And how long does it last? An hour, twelve hours, a day, a week? SO MANY QUESTIONS. Hmpf.
Having said all that, I will actually really like this drug (it never does get any kind of name) a lot if it shows up again in a future episode and Bonnie says, "Sorry, that doesn't work on me anymore. Don't you geniuses know who I am?" "You're . . . you're a witch." "Exactly. A Bennett witch." I mean, it's probably definitely never going to happen, but it would be such fun.
I'm getting really tired of pointing this out, but it continues to get more & more ridiculous that Bonnie & Damon have such great chemistry, which the writers allow to go absolutely nowhere, even though approximately half of all her screentime is with him.
Klaus is seriously The Worst. Bonnie should have killed him way, way back in season fucking two.